What did you get for Christmas? Never mind the usual things like pearls or diamond earrings or a new Kubota tractor, tell us about the weird stuff, the big surprises, the terrible mistakes.
Almost anyone would like a musical instrument for Christmas, especially a harpist like Harpo Marx. His friend, surrealist Salvador Dali knew this and sent him a lovely full-sized harp in the mid 1930s. It arrived wrapped in cellophane with spoons for tuning knobs, cutlery glued all over the frame and strings made of barbed wire. Delighted with his gift, Harpo sent back a photo of himself playing the harp with bandaged fingers. Two months later, Dali visited America at Harpo’s behest to sketch him playing his harp with a lobster on his head.
Roy Collette of Owatonna, Minnesota and his brother-in-law Larry Kunkel merrily sent the same pair of moleskin pants back and forth for 24 years, each trying to outdo the other in the manner of presentation. Eventually, Larry won. It took Roy two months after Christmas in 1984 to unwrap his present, cemented as it was into a 12,000-pound, 17-foot-high red space ship.
In one final heartwarming story, our Oviedo pals Will and Marleah enjoyed a special moment in their years-long relationship when Marleah told Will she had a dream that he gifted her with a Christmas engagement ring. “What do you think it all means?” she wondered. “Ah, you’ll see for yourself tonight!” replied her beau.
At midnight, while visions of sugarplums danced in her head, Will approached Marleah and handed her a small package. Delighted, she tore through the wrapping and opened it quickly only to discover a small book. The title? “A Guide To The Meaning Of Dreams.” No cookies for you, Santa!
How Does Santa Do it?
Well, it’s not easy. Consider the problems. Scientists who have researched Santa’s annual trip agree that he has around 32 hours to deliver presents to children around the world. There is general agreement that starting in New Zealand and Australia and finishing in Alaska, Hawaii and other spots in the western Pacific is best. Also, “children” will be defined as humans 14 years old and below since nobody that old believes in Santa, anyway. With those restrictions in place, Santa still has to visit the homes of 1.93 billion children on Christmas Eve. That’s a lot of milk and Oreos. However, this enormous number could be reduced by 30% if visits were limited only to children who celebrate Christmas and not those whose religions prohibit the observance of this holiday. Sounds reasonable, right? That being the case, we are now down to a more manageable 603 million kiddoes.
Okay, now we’re cooking. Now, it’s obvious to any nitwit that no normal person can cavort through the skies at such breathtaking speed as to service over 600 million kids in one night. Ah, but Santa is no normal person. He has been endowed with the super-power of time dilation, which is a phenomenon where time slows down for an object the faster it moves. In essence, Santa travels so fast that time actually slows down for him (See Einstein’s Theory of Relativity), and because it does, he has much more time to deliver his presents. Time dilation also means that Santa Claus ages slower than the average person, which explains why he’s been around for so long.
At the same time, scientists have discerned that Santa experiences a phenomenon called time contraction, in which the size of an object is reduced the faster it moves. This means that Santa gets smaller the faster he moves and his reduced size allows him to fit into the tightest of chimneys, in between the cracks of windows and doors and through very small spaces in the walls.
So how fast is Santa actually going? Obviously, he has some 317 million miles to travel before his job is done so he would need to be scooting more than 10,7 million kilometers per hour or 1800 miles per second, and that doesn’t take into account any pit stops the jolly old elf might need for restrooms or reindeer feeding. Researchers who have investigated Santa’s logistics pretty much agree that his sleigh weighs around 1.232 million tons fully loaded. This weight also takes into account Santa’s ample girth and the weight of his reindeer, about 600 pounds apiece. The toys alone would tip the scales at a whopping 8.4 million tons, so forget about propulsion from eight tiny reindeer. You’d need 5.6 million 600-pound critters to pull that sleigh, so don’t ask for all their names. Don’t worry about your roof, though. They hover.
Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot? (written 12-31-2024)
Of course not, unless it’s our auld acquaintance with the Deadly Duo, Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen, who bring giddiness to a new level during CNN’s New Year’s Eve extravaganzas. There is such a thing as too cute and these two underline that point every year. This time they have surprise guest Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, who is famous for…well…for insisting you leave the second “f” out when pronouncing his nickname. They’ll try to make up for Fitty by bringing on Shania Twain later on. Maybe Patty LaBelle will show up to sing Kiss Away The Pain.
Admit it, when you were young and foolish you promised yourself you’d be in Times Square some day to watch the ball drop…probably right after you hitchhiked across the country, fell in love with a Mexican grape-picker and read the first twenty pages of your brilliant novel on poetry night at the City Lights bookstore. It’s one of those bucket list things people talk about but seldom get up the momentum to do. And just as well---it’s cold up there and you’re squashed together like libertines at a lube & oil. It’s impossible to move unless everyone decides to motivate at the same time, and you don’t want that. I was foolishly shopping at the original Macy’s one Christmas Eve and the customers were crammed in tight, spilling out the doors. When the crowd surged, my feet left the floor in the Perfume Department and didn’t hit ground until we reached Men’s Intimate Apparel (it’s New York, remember). Scary business.
Here’s a problem you never thought of. How do you go to the bathroom on New Year’s Eve in Times Square? People begin arriving by 11 a.m. and the viewing area is full by 6 p.m, so you’re there a looong time. The surrounding restaurants and shops will definitely not let you use their restrooms and there are no pay-toilets or port-a-potties in sight. Sorry to tell you this, but you only have a couple of choices---adult diapers or urinary bags with catheters---otherwise it’s Man vs. Nature and you know who always wins that one. This is one celebration where ‘NO ALCOHOL ALLOWED’ is a blessing in disguise. “Mom, why is that lady squatting down over the sewer grate?”
Lowering The Opossum
If standing among thousands of people in urine-stained underwear isn’t your cup of Jamoka, there are always alternatives. In the mountains of Western North Carolina (if you’re lucky), you’ll find the tiny village of Brasstown and inside there the esoteric Clay’s Corner, basically a convenience store and gas station. For 25 years, owner Clay Logan has welcomed the new year with a family-friendly bash that includes music, fireworks and a spectacle called Lowering The Opossum, which features a regal possum encased in a tinsel-draped clear plastic box being lowered to the ground. A New York Times reporter sent to cover the event told it this way:
“At midnight, as he lets a rope slip between his fingers lowering a possum in a plexiglass cage from the roof of his gas station, Mr. Logan will call out as he has every New Year’s Eve since 1990, ‘5-4-3-2-1!’
And then, as the crowd starts going bananas, he shouts ‘THE POSSUM HAS LANDED!’ The possum is alive, of course, and will be released at the end of the ceremony unharmed, if a little shaken. The show is more than just the spectacle of suspending in the air a fuzzy-headed, pink-pawed animal that looks as if someone stuck it together with spare parts. There are fireworks, the firing of muskets, country food like peach cobbler and bear stew and the Miss Possum contest, a cross-dressing affair in which bearded truck drivers wear eye shadow and strut across the stage with hands like oven mitts swinging at the sides of bursting lace dresses.”
Now, that’s more like it! Who needs a boring ball drop when you’ve got peach cobbler, cross-dressing bearded truck drivers and possum landings? Gas up the buggy, Leroy, we’re headed for Brasstown. Anna Marie is up for Miss Possum this year!
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
