Perhaps the Chinese know something we don’t know. Their New Year begins on January 29, a mere nine days after Donald J. Trump assumes the office of President, and they have advised us it’s the Year of the Snake. While liberal Democrats huddle in tents in the desert and rabid Republicans start honing their axes, The Flying Pie turns to Baba Vanga for a look at the future. This reliable Bulgarian mystic, blind as a highschool umpire, foretold the heinous 9/11 attacks, the unexpected death of Princess Diana and RFK Jr.’s worm invasion, so she knew her stuff. Even though Baba bought the farm in 1996, she saw it coming well in advance and was able to make early predictions for years far into the future. Take a seat, pour yourself a strong comfort drink and listen up.
“I see great destruction in Europe, intense internal strife resulting in a reduction in population. I see a year when some humans may become telepathic. I see the prospect of coming in contact with extraterrestrial life, so everyone should quit giving Gary Borse the raised eyebrow.
I am worried about a string of catastrophes which could lead to the beginning of the apocalypse. The human race will not be entirely eliminated but the 2026 cars might not come out on time.
Elon Musk will get an afternoon TV show on a major network. Vladimir Putin will die after wrestling a rhinoceros to prove his manhood. Donald Trump will contract a serious case of monkey pox and be forced to govern from a cave in the Primate House of the San Diego Zoo. Glenn Terry will skydive in a winged pig suit and land in a downtown Gainesville awning none the worse for wear.
What about flying cars? “Don’t make me laugh.” What about Syria? “Who cares? Shitpile, like Lebanon.” Will the USA survive Trump? “Oh yeah. An intestinal blockage will get him at about 18 months. Vance will take over, be outed as a glue-sniffer and impeached. Elon and Liz Cheney will then battle it out in a no-holds-barred cage match and Cheney will mop the floor with that doughboy. First woman President! Who knew?”
The Noz Knows All
Nostradamus, born Michel de Nostradame on December 14, 1503 in Saint-Remy-de-Provence, France was a renowned 16th-century astrologer, physician and seer. The Noz is best known for his book Les Propheties published in 1555, which contains 942 cryptic quatrains, many of them still being interpreted. Here’s what he had to say about the new year: “By 2025, we should be very close to our current planetary turning point, which I believe will end by 2030. We will be nearing a solar maximum and the potential for planetary societal collapse should we get a major solar flare. Such an event will destroy databanks, cut communications and destroy nearly every electrical electronic device on the planet, including those clever sex toys. Oh, and Amelia Earhart will finally be found alive on Howland Island, acting as queen of a tribe of displaced Hawaiians. She’ll be 126 years old but nobody will dare mention it.”
You Gotta Have Heart
On the health beat, grab your multisyllabic adjectives---2025 will see an unprecedented breakthrough. Researchers will successfully bio-print a fully functional human heart using advanced 3D bioprinting technology. Starting with high-resolution CT scans, scientists will create an intricate digital model capturing every minute detail of the heart’s complex structure. This model will serve as the blueprint for a state-of-the-art 3D bioprinter, which meticulously layers human stem cells and biodegradable scaffold materials to construct the organ with remarkable precision.
Once printed, the nascent heart will be placed in a specialized bioreactor that mimics the physiological conditions of the human body. Here, the heart will mature over several weeks, allowing the cells to organize and differentiate properly, establishing vital networks of blood vessels and electrical pathways necessary for normal heart function. In a groundbreaking surgical procedure, the matured heart will then be inserted into a pig for testing.
The implications of this achievement will be monumental. It will alleviate the global shortage of donor organs by providing bioprinted hearts to the DNA of individual patients, thus reducing the risk of infection. This breakthrough will pave the way for extending human longevity by replacing failing organs with custom-made, fully compatible substitutes. Additionally, it opens avenues for innovation in bioprinting other complex organs, revolutionizing regenerative medicine and personalized health care. Although most companies in this space are in the start-up phase, a rash of IPOs will pop up in no time. The surge in innovation and investment could reshape the healthcare industry and lead to improved patient outcomes and significant economic growth.
Latest Reports From Your Oily Warning System
Despite what they tell you on Landman, Big Oil is in trouble. In the span of just a few years, China has made a mockery of all prior assumptions about Electric Vehicle production and adoption. Schroders, a nearly trillion-dollar asset manager, touted growth potential for Chinese EV production back in 2021, projecting that EV sales might reach close to five million vehicles by the end of 2024, a market share of 15%. The ensuing reality blew the roof off these projections as Chinese EV registrations rose above eight million in 2023. By September of 2024, EV market share of new car sales reached north of 45% in China, as overall sales growth rose above 40% year-on-year. This happened six years earlier than expected.
China is showing the way in the transportation electrification boom. As other countries join China in rapidly building out exponential growth in production capacity, battery prices will deflate further, making EVs cheaper than their petrol-burning brethren, with a crossover point in costs within twelve months, even on an unsubsidized basis. With an exponential adoption rate curve ahead, it brings forward the possibility that 2025 will be the peak year for oil production worldwide, with an accelerating decline in demand in the years ahead.
In 2025, with the handwriting on the wall with regard to future demand (since 66% of oil ends up as gasoline or diesel in cars and trucks), OPEC will find its relevance dwindling and its multi-million barrel per day production limits irrelevant. Some members are already cheating production quotas to grab what they can as export demand falls. Most members realize the jig is up. Sooner rather than later, OPEC will be consigned to the ash heap of history.
Meanwhile back at the airport, crude oil price drops will be a boon for airlines. Chemical, paint and tire manufacturers will throw parties. Many companies in North America will shut down shale oil production. Fracking will slowly diminish. In Asia, stubborn Japanese car manufacturers will find themselves in a desperate race to catch up with the other EV players. Time to check out that stock portfolio, boys and girls, take another look at those ExxonMobil and BP shares before you get the Stock Market Blues, like Hank Jr.
I thought I’d buy low and sell it high,
But things sure didn’t work out that way,
I think I’ve lost my ass-ets today.”
Karnak’s Predictions For 2025:
1. Judy Cain will become pregnant, move back to Gainesville and open an axe-throwing bar.
2. Will Thacker, made wealthy by his vast publishing empire, will also return to town, buy a radio station and play music of the seventies and eighties exclusively, each number preceded by an abominable pun. His evening show at 7:00 will have a live audience of two dozen seventyish groupies with whistles. Fear the banana.
3. Glenn Terry will receive a large donation from anonymous sources and hire the Ferko String Band mummers to lead his Flying Pig Parade. Bill Killeen, in costume as Al Jolsen, will prance ahead of the band, kiss babies and hand out Meyer lemons.
4. David Atherton will visit 85 musical venues within a 24-hour period, accompanied by his pilot and an illegal smile. The Guinness Book of Records will take a look.
5. Chuck LeMasters will come out of hiding after 36 years of self-flaggelation for the annual UF Homecoming Parade, tossing out well-rolled joints from the Sheriff’s Boys Ranch float.
6. David Hammer will uncharacteristically incur a stain on his lapel, freak out and break into a stirring rendition of Let’s Get Dirty. His nursing home audience will throw underwear at the stage.
7. Vicky Bordeaux will stay home all day on April 1 and not hug a soul. There will be gnashing of teeth throughout the land.
8. Gina Hawkins will be elected mayor of Gainesville, and about time. Adhering to her promise to be an active politico, all future City Commission meetings will be held while commissioners are dancing, riding bicycles or picking up refuse. Richard Rahall will hold her beer.
9. Ron Thomas will start up a nude rock band, playing songs like Nothing To Hide, The Streak, What Do You Say To A Naked Lady and Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off at Ladies Auxiliary meetings across Florida. “I’ve been suppressing my natural party boy persona for far too long,” admits Thomas. “It’s time to let it all hang out.”
As it were.
That’s all, folks…
