See The USA In Your Chevrolet!

They’re singing that song on TV again, sometimes three times in two minutes, but it’s a good reminder: vacation time is on the way, whether powered by Chevy, Winnebago or the Atchison, Topeka & Santa Fe.  Intrepid Flying Pie reporter Gina Hawkins (secret identity—Regina Coeli) is headed west in late March in her trusty 2021 Subaru Crosstrek to sunbathe on the mesas and sniff out stories in 14 states.  If you see her comin’, better step aside--a lot of men didn’t and a lot of men cried.

In July, Bill and Siobhan are headed for Paris to see their niece Kathleen Ellison and visit with the world’s greatest cartoonist Gilbert Shelton, if he’s still alive and crosshatching.  The folks in France have a tendency to fawn over their funnymen---comic actors, comedians, illustrators who have them rolling in the aisles.  Gilbert made the move decades ago and never even thought of coming back to take over his father’s Firestone store in Texas.  It’s hard to see the Eiffel Tower from College Station, after all.

And where might you be headed this Spring or Summer?  To the rockbound coast of Maine to climb Cadillac Mountain in Acadia NP?  To the Florida Everglades to run through the trees from the Everlys?  To see 30 major league baseball parks in 30 days, rain or shine?  To play mini-golf in a former salt mine or pan for gold on the outskirts of Coeur d’Alene?  The world is your bivalve…just  don’t forget to bring along your oyster knife.

Escape To The Past In RetroWorld

“If it’s the real thing, the Del-Vikings will be there.”---Ron Thomas

Kathleen Knight, Flying Pie stringer from other dimensions, is off to Las Vegas to pry loose some secrets from the planners of RetroEscapes theme park, a very large blast from the past.  We know a few things already.  At the park entrance, guests will walk through a time-travel portal into a variety of lands based on American pop culture of different decades from the fifties to the nineties, plus a “Tomorrow Zone,” whatever that is. 

The new park is still in the early developmental stage with no opening date announced.  RetroEscapes is being designed by PGAV Destinations, whose previous work includes individual attractions such as Cosmic Rewind at Epcot, Manta at SeaWorld Orlando and Cheetah Hunt at Bush Gardens.  Also full parks like Aquatica and Discovery Cove in Orlando and SeaWorld Abu Dhabi.

The world’s first ever nostalgia park will have such faded glories in new clothing as an Elvis diner, a rocket bar, a disco, a video game arcade and a skate park, just for starters.  The entire atmosphere is intended to mimic street scenes and amusement park features from ancient times and the illustrations created by RetroEscapes are charming and seductive, but looks aren’t everything.  Let’s hope the antique diner finds a chef who actually knows how to make meat loaf (don’t forget the ketchup).  Anyway, we’ll be there with bells on Day One.  There’s a rumor they’ll have pie.

Not Necessarily The Happiest Places On Earth

If you’d like to combine your theme park visit with a dose of reality, you’ll love, not like the Isgyvenimo Drama set in a Soviet-era bunker near the Lithuanian capital city of Vilnius.  This park takes visitors several decades back in time to 1984 Soviet Lithuania, showing what life was like for citizens living in the USSR.  Along the way, you’ll get to wear gas masks, have your belongings confiscated and learn the Soviet national anthem, among other annoyances.  Like most Lithuanians at the time, you’ll likely be subjected to investigation, which is your best chance ever to say “We don’t need no steenking badges!”

Your prize for surviving a day is an authentic dinner of borscht, black bread and kefir.  Pour a smidge of Stoli into that kefir and you’ll survive just fine.

If you’re a caver, you might look into Salina Turda (no untoward giggling, please) in beautiful Romania.  It has all the ornamentals of an amusement park---a Ferris Wheel, putt-putt golf, etc., but everything is 400-feet underground, set within the grounds of a former salt mine that was excavated during the ancient Roman era and opened to odd tourists in 1992.  Visitors can pamper themselves in a salt-focused spa and take a boatride across a tranquil underground lake which is guaranteed not to have many surly monsters in it.

In sparkling Ho Chi Minh City, you’ll get your kicks at Suoi Tien, an amusement park for all ages, or so they say.  The management assures us you can go to Hell there---Buddhist Hell, that is, because the park is all about the wonders of Buddhism.  Suoi Tien is not only about grotesque depictions of afterlife torment, however--no, indeedy.  They have a zoo, a few Buddhist temples for the kiddies, many photo-worthy sculptures and a handful of small, unexciting rides.  You can cool down at Bien Tien Dong water park, the site of Vietnam’s first artificial beach.

Some girlies like to swim with the dolphins but real men like to dive with the crocodiles at Crocosaurus Cave in Darwin, Australia.  The park is home to the largest collection of Australian reptiles anywhere, but the crocs get top billing.  Intrepid visitors can jump in with the big guys in the inviting Cage of Death, which consists of a clear chamber semi-submerged in the crocodiles’ enclosure.  More civilized guests are invited to snap photos of themselves with the baby crocs.

Next time you’re in Singapore you’re invited to explore exciting Haw Par Villa, which walks you through Chinese folktales featuring the good, the bad and the ugly.  You might want to fast-walk the kids past the beheadings in the 10 Courts of Hell section, which is aptly named, and into one of the friendlier historical tours.

How about a drive-by visit to Pripyat Amusement Park, never opened, in friendly Ukraine, where the iconic Ferris wheel stands abandoned in the Chernobyl exclusion zone.  Maybe you’d like to see the rusted, toppled dinosaur statues of Spreepark in Germany, abandoned in 2001.  Or, for a real thrill, take a slide at Siam Park’s Tower of Power in exotic Tenerife, which features a 28-meter vertical waterslide “that passes through a tank filled with actual sharks!” 

And we used to think the Fun House was scary.

Swimming With Pigs

Attention Glenn Terry!  By now just about everybody has had a swim with the dolphins, the manatees and The Creature From The Black Lagoon.  Hold up on those vacation swim videos, folks, they’re a snore.  But what if you could be the first in your neighborhood to swim with the pigs?  Oh, you don’t think pigs can swim?  Nobody told you about Petunia’s backstroke medal in the Olympics of 1952?  Pigs, in fact, are excellent swimmers that can paddle and float with the greatest of ease, and they love it.  Not having sweat glands, the porcine community often uses water to cool down.  Swimming is also useful in protecting themselves from insects.  Feral pigs, famous for their natatory skills, often greet boats in the Bahamas looking for burgers or fries.  On one famous occasion, Philbert Desanex, a non-swimmer, was tossed into the ocean by a gang of varlets.  He quickly morphed into Wonder Wart Hog, a champion stroker, who cast a trawler net over the whole gang and brought them to justice.

Anyway, now you, too, can visit Pig Beach on Big Major Cay in the Exumas to join your porky friends for a swim.  Boats leave regularly from nearby islands like Stanley Cay or Great Exuma, and day trips are available from Nassau.  You can even double your pleasure, double your fun by visiting nurse sharks at Compass Cay or snorkeling in Thunderball Grotto.  Don’t forget to bring along a beach ball and some root vegetables.

If cats happen to be your cup of tea, you might want to grab your coat and get your hat and head for Cat Island in Aoshima, Japan.  Though humans (and amenities) are few, the cats are many, numbering in the hundreds and depending on the kindness of strangers to keep Friskies on the table.  You can catch the ferry at Nagahama Port near the train station at 8 am.  No sneaking out any friendly kitties, they put you in jail for catnapping.

Disa & Data

You can visit with Chatty Belle, the world’s largest talking cow sculpture in Neillsville, Wisconsin, but you’ll have to carry much of the conversation.  And hey---no politics, please.  If you’d rather a buffalo, get yourself up to Jamestown, North Dakota to see Dakota Thunder, their 60-ton concrete marvel at the North American Bison Discovery Center.  We always knew there must be some reason for visiting North Dakota—this could be it.

The Florida Keys have their own big critter, Betsy the Giant Lobster, an anatomically correct model measuring 30 feet high and 40 feet long holding forth in Islamorada.  Don’t you dare miss her on your way to gay Key West.

If you’ve had enough of oversized animals, how about a bite to eat at the venerable Spam Museum in Austin, Minnesota?  If you have neither the time nor the cash to visit Greece, you might like to stop in lively Nashville, home of the only full-scale replica of Athens’ famous Parthenon.  England has its iconic Stonehenge but you probably didn’t know that Alliance, Nebraska has Carhenge, automobiles stacked up to imitate the mysterious stones.

The girly girls will go nuts for Barbie’s Malibu Dream House, all pink and beachy with a full-stocked clothes closet.  They can stay overnight and hit up potential Kens at the chummy bar.  They also have bedrooms at the Roswell, New Mexico Missile Silo/Bunker, originally a launch control center and 186-foot-deep missile silo.

If you’re in The City by The Bay in early April and you espy the cops busting a couple of good old girls out on the town, how about hustling over there and handing Officer Friendly a Get Out Of Jail Free card.  It could be Gina and one of her hard-drinking cohorts one toke over the line.  Anyone posting bond for the kids gets a free trip to the Spam Museum.

That’s all, folks….

bill.killeen094@gmail.com   

  

The Further Adventures Of Florida Man

“A Florida Man needs no introduction.”---University of Florida handbook.

Florida Man is everywhere.  Gone are the days when he confined himself to the 34.7 million acres of his home state, now he feels free to take his act on the road.  Recently, Christopher John Lubowski, 51, of Ormond Beach was minding his own business driving his 18-wheeler in Montgomery County, Texas when he noticed blue lights flashing in his rear-view mirror.  Now, C.J. considers himself to be a law-abiding citizen who would pull over immediately under normal circumstances but on this particular occasion he found himself in possession of a disturbing amount of methamphetamine and stopping would mean an inconvenient stay in the county lockup.

It’s not as though the cops were looking to bust anyone that day.  Constable Curtis Fletcher of the Patton Village force was resting in his cruiser with a cuppa Joe and a nice slice of pecan pie from the Splendora Cafe & BBQ when he couldn’t help but notice Lubowski swinging and swaying all over the highway.  “Gol-dang it, I was just settling in for lunch,” testified the lawman.  “But, you know, I just had to go.  This crazed addict was going to kill somebody.  He was fried to the gills on meth!”  Curtis promptly instigated a chase, soon joined by the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office, but C.J. was in no mood to stop.

In case you’ve has never tried it, you should know that pulling over a rampaging semi is no easy task.  Lubowski raced down the roadway for 2 1/2 scary hours with a string of police vehicles in his wake.  Finally, on an open stretch of highway in Fort Bend County, the cops shot the tires off the big rig and brought it to a stop.  C.J. was arrested on umpty-leven charges, locked up and held on a $150,000 bond.  Constable Fletcher eventually managed to get back to his pie, but by then the coffee was morose.

Oh, the inhumanity!  Or just another boffo performance-art smash by Podwilla Possum's gypsy theater troupe?

The Possum Defecation Blues

If you leave out the Scientologists, Clearwater seems to be a nice enough place.  Sparkling beach, upstanding citizens, first-class softball venues, summer home of Donna the Bakery Queen.  So what in the wide, wide world of sports was Florida Man Robert Wilcox doing there pooping on a dead opossum?  According to the police report, “Wilcox was observed defecating on a deceased opossum with his pants lowered and his anal region exposed.”  Even worse, the nefarious act was perpetrated during rush hour traffic and in plain sight of countless observers.  The perp, of course, denied it.  “I was just airing out my undies and a little slip-up occurred,” he said.  “It could happen to anybody.”

Are rowdy iguanas keeping you awake at night with their loud reggae music?  Do the massive critters lurk in your trees just waiting for a visit from the Domino’s delivery man?  Maybe it’s time you climbed up on your roof and turned on the Cuban Tarzan Signal, gaining the instant attention of one Andrew Morales, a Florida Man who specializes in invasive animal removal, with a bent to enormous lizards.  If you think size doesn’t matter, try wrestling one of these characters to the ground.  Morales’ latest evictee had a four-foot tail and was the size of an average fifth-grader with claws straight out of a Wolverine movie.  Unlike your average Florida Man, the Cuban Tarzan considers himself a public servant, always on call to save the day for a small remuneration.  “Alligators and crocodiles cost extra,” he advises.

You Meet The Nicest People In A Hyundai

Not just anybody gets to march into their local BMW dealer and get a test drive.  Certain things are taken into consideration, like one’s age and shoe style, bank account statement, that crazed look in his eyes.  That’s why a Gainesville BMW dealer said no dice to Kevin Leiman, 20, when he asked to test drive a BMW M4 valued at $110,000..  Kevin, of course, was outraged and he immediately darted into a phone booth and emerged as Florida Man.  Gainesville Police Department officials said Leiman first went back to the parking lot and sat in his Hyundai SUV, then circled the building twice, hit the gas and smashed into the showroom windows.  Once inside, he began looking for the keys to the M4, but was unsuccessful.  He left on foot and was nabbed by the cops shortly thereafter.  And you thought the everyday life of a car salesman was a big bag of dreary.

In early January, Florida Man Matthew Zaccarino, 39, of Altamonte Springs was confronted by police after being found trespassing at a construction site wearing a red lace bra and a G-string.  Deputies found a handgun cleverly hidden underneath silicone prosthetic breasts that Zaccarino was sporting.  As police approached, the perp attempted to remove his lingerie, claiming he was on his way to a costume party.  Matthew was charged with trespassing while armed, loitering, resisting arrest without violence and bad taste in undergarments.

All children love to visit Chuck E. Cheese, ”where a kid can be a kid.”  Chuck E., himself, is always there to greet them in full costume and get the merriment started, as was 41-year-old Jermel James in full regalia when police barged into the Tallahassee Charles Entertainment barracks and put the cuffs on.  “Chuck E. is a little busy, Ma’am,” one of the cops told an upset mother.  The officers escorted the large rodent out of the arcade to the prowler as stunned children looked on in horror.  One angry mother yelled, “Would y’all put Mickey Mouse in handcuffs?  I think not!.”  Jermel was charged with using a stolen credit card, resisting arrest without violence and being a bad role model for tykes.   

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men…

It doesn’t happen very often, but now and then the Florida Board of Erratic Behavior deigns to confer the title of “Honorary Florida Man” on rank outsiders who have performed feats above and beyond the call of duty.  Their most recent honoree is one Ryan Wesley Routh, a simple Carolina roofer subject to alarming mood swings during which he might run naked through the woods or even attempt to assassinate a would-be president.  On September 15, 2024, one of those mood eruptions caused him to hide in the bushes outside a Florida golf course where presidential candidate Donald J. Trump was hacking away.  As often happens on these occasions, Ryan was carrying with him his trusty SKS-style rifle, trying to get a bead on The Great White Hope.  He lingered there for almost twelve hours before an opportunity arose at 1:31 p.m..,pointing his rifle through the fence line approximately 400 yards from Trump.  Then, wouldn’t you just know it, a passing Secret Service agent espied the culprit and fired four alarming rounds in his direction.  Routh promptly skedaddled the scene but was later captured on I-75 in Martin County.  Seventeen burner phones were found in his vehicle, along with the rifle, a scope, two backpacks containing ceramic tiles which could deflect a bullet and a GoPro camera for remembering those tender moments.  Three days later, Lazaro and Samuel Plata, two brothers who were former employees of Routh, dropped off a box to authorities which contained a 12-page letter that their employer had written earlier.  The first page read:

“Dear World: This was an assassination attempt on Donald Trump but I am so sorry I failed you.  I tried my best and gave it all the gumption I could muster.  It is up to you now to finish the job, and I will offer $150,000 to anyone who can complete the job.  Everyone across the globe from the youngest to the oldest know that Trump is unfit to be anything, much less a U.S. president.  U.S. presidents must at bare minimum embody the moral fabric that is America and be kind, caring and selfless and always stand for humanity.  Trump fails to understand any of this.”

On the day of his arraignment, Routh was seen smiling and laughing with his lawyer.  On April 7, 2025, federal prosecutors indicted Routh for conspiring with a supposed Ukrainian to use a rocket launcher to shoot down Trump’s plane.  Asked to comment on his father’s actions, Routh’s son Oran said “My Dad just really hates Trump…like every reasonable person does.” 

Last week, Ryan was sentenced to life in the Big House.  His many friends are hoping future President Al Franken, a compassionate man, will administer a pardon.

And You Think The World Cup Is A Big Deal…

The 2026 Florida Man Games will be held this year in Bradenton on February 21 at the Freedom Factory.  Either previous host St. Augustine can only tolerate so much wackiness or the games need roomier quarters for their “mud, mayhem and maximum freedom” activities, which include the popular Evading Arrest Obstacle Course and the chaotic Grocery Cart Joust.  New events this year include Bullwhips And Bad Decisions, a caged octagon battle where combatants “test their grit and endurance,” and Naked Rampage, which is not explained but is likely based on Florida Man Carlos Guerrero’s destruction of a rented home with a hammer, mallet and machete while naked.

In Human Beer Pong, two competitors climb into giant inflatable ping pong balls, the offensive player’s mission to stumble his way into one of three pools filled with booze.  The defender’s goal is to take him out by any means necessary before he reaches the pool.  Three rounds, pure chaos, big laughs, or so the promoters promise.

The Mechanical Gator is the Florida Man equivalent of the western bars’ mechanical bull.  Hold on tight as the bucking, thrashing, tail-whipping gator tries to throw you straight into muddy oblivion.  According to the hype, “It’s the ultimate test of grip strength, balance and Florida spirit.  Will you ride like a legend or get tossed faster than a tourist at an airboat show?”

If any of this makes you angry, you can take out your rage in the exciting Smash Room, where you are highly encouraged to “break shit.”  There is, as you would expect, a Mugshot Photo Wall just like the one the cops have down at the station…with the exception that you and a gal pal can don orange jump suits and pose together, which is almost never allowed down at the sheriff’s place.

Florida Man lives!  Once thought to be the last vestige of a dying breed but now returned to prominence by a new appreciation for American ignorance, he fandangoes down the boulevard to the tune of a different drummer, tone deaf but determined.

That’ all, folks….

bill.killeen094@gmail.com  

       

Critical Info From Bill Pie, The Science Guy

Coffee

“Smells so lovely when you pour it
You will want to drink a quart…of coffee.
It’s delicious all alone,
It’s also good with doughnuts…black coffee.
Coffee stimulates your urges,
It’s served in local churches,
Keeps the Swedes and the Germans
Awake through the sermons…that coffee.”

---Keillor & Battle

Health records from a recent study of 130,000 people showed that habitual coffee or caffeinated-tea drinkers have a lower risk of dementia and marginally better cognitive performance than those who avoid the drinks.  You knew it all the time, right?  The report published in the prominent Journal of the American Medical Association illustrated that over 40 years those who routinely drank two or three cups of coffee or one or two cups of tea had a 15-20% lower risk of dementia than those who went without.  There were no benefits seen with a greater intake of coffee or tea. 

“Our study can’t prove causality, but to our knowledge it is the best evidence to date and it is consistent with plausible biology,” said the study’s lead author Yu Zhang, who studies nutritional epidemiology at Harvard University.  Coffee and tea contain caffeine and polyphenols that may protect against brain aging by improving vascular health and reducing inflammation and oxidative stress, where harmful atoms and molecules called free radicals damage cells and tissues.  Substances in the drinks could also work by improving metabolic health.  Caffeine, for example, is linked to lower rates of type 2 diabetes, a known risk factor for dementia.

The researchers analyzed records of 131,821 volunteers enrolled in two big U.S. public health studies, the Nurses’ Health Study and the Health Professionals Follow-up Study.  Both took repeated assessments of the participants’ diets, dementia diagnoses, any cognitive decline they experienced and scores in objective cognitive tests for up to 43 years.  Overall, men and women who drank the most caffeinated coffee had an 18% lower risk of dementia compared with those who drank little or none, with similar results seen for tea.  The effect seemed to plateau at two to three cups of caffeinated coffee or one or two cups of tea.  No link was found between decaffeinated coffee and dementia.

You’ll have to excuse us now while we put on another pot:

“It’s so nice to take to worky and it really makes you perky, it won’t let your thoughts get murky and it’s even great in Turkey…coffee!

Attraction

Do pheromones exist?  If physical beauty is a leading attractant of one person to another, how do we account for those couples where it seems out of balance?  Is there some esoteric element out there that helps to account for love at first sight?  Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Pheromones do exist.  They are substances which are secreted by an individual and received by a second individual of the same species.  While they appear to play an important part in the attraction of one animal to another, they seem to have no role in human interaction.  Humans have no functioning vomeronasal organ, which processes pheromone signals and rings the gong for animals.  Why in the wide wide world of sports has no blues songwriter ever tackled the sad fate of the lacking vomeronasal organ?  It’s a poser.

There is, however, a steroidal compound called androstadienone.  A pharmacological dose of “Andy” is known to facilitate a woman’s sexual response and increase the attractiveness of potential male suitors.  A putative pheromone secreted particularly by women is estratetraenol, which (close your eyes) was first isolated from the urine of pregnant gals.  The effects of estratetraenol are smaller than those of androstadienone but go in the same direction.  Neither of these two compounds, however, is considered anywhere near as effective as the better-known Love Potion #9 whose ingredients are a secret known only to Jerry (the nose) Leiber and Mike (the earlobe) Stoller.

Another possible attractant could be copulins, fatty acids found in vaginal secretions which when smelled by men can affect male hormone levels and perceptions of attractiveness.  You have to get awfully close, however, to feel the mighty pull of copulins.  Odds are by then you’re pretty attracted already. 

Third Penis Never Fails

You’re not going to believe this (and it might make some women nervous) but in 2024 doctors in the United Kingdom reported a case of a man with three penises.  It must have happened more than once because the medical people even have a name for the phenomenon—triphallia.  People with three penises probably don’t go around talking about it unless they are in the circus so this discovery was only made upon the death of the big swinger.

This startling discovery lends a whole new meaning to the word “threesome.”  Also the expression “one on the side.”  Sex addicts are relieved to know there is now an alternative for the third wheel while the other two are getting it on.

Meanwhile, back at the ER, physicians report a jump in the number of Headspin Hole cases.  The HH is a chronic, benign scalp injury common in breakdancers, characterized by hair loss, inflammation and a tender, fibrous lump on the vertex of the skull caused by years of repetitive friction and pressure during headspins.  This activity is not what yo mama meant when she told you to start using your head.

We hate to bring this up but it’s always important to pay attention to the dangers presented by Butt Eels.  Doctors in Vietnam reported a patient’s horrific experience after inserting a two-foot-long eel into his rectum just for sport.  The eel, hungry, as eels are wont to be, started chewing through the man’s intestines until he cried uncle and dashed off to the hospital.  Smirking surgeons were able to save the man’s life, extracting the critter and part of his intestines as well.  “Next time, I go back to breakdancing,” the victim said.

Never undercook your bacon.  Like Secretary of Health & Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, a 52-year-old Florida man was discovered with a brain worm.  We don’t know the cause of RFKJ’s problem but the Florida man had an infection called neurocysticercosis after eating uncooked bacon and subsequently infecting himself through poor hygiene, transferring eggs from his own feces to his mouth.  Just to be on the safe side, it’s probably best not to be kissing RFK next time you see him.

Before you go off on a tangent dissing fecal bacteria, however, you should know that recent studies have solidified the notion that fecal transplants (removing fecal bacteria from a healthy person to an unhealthy one) can be an effective treatment for certain severe infections.  So let’s not have any more of that talk about “I don’t take no shit from noone.”

Phenomena

1. Elephant Dung Leads To More Guitars.  Researchers with nothing better to do recently discovered a critical link between African elephants and ebony trees, which provide the wood traditionally used in guitars and piano keys.  The big guys eat the fruits from these trees, carrying the seeds in their digestive tracts for miles before depositing them still intact on the forest floor.  UCLA biologist Thomas Smith noted that in areas where these elephants are hunted to extinction there are 70% fewer ebony saplings.

2. Close The Door, They’re Coming In The Windows!  Scientists are warning that a little-known group of microbes called free-living amoebae may be posing a global health threat.  Found in soil and water, some species can survive extreme heat, chlorine, rap music and even modern water systems—conditions which kill most germs.  One infamous example, the “brain-eating amoeba,” can cause deadly infections after contaminated water enters the nose.  Even worse, these fiends can act as hiding places for dangerous bacteria and viruses, helping them evade disinfection.  Where is RFK Jr. when you really need him?

3. But Officer, It Might Have Been The Fennel!  Researchers have now discovered that some people get “drunk” without drinking.  Apparently, their gut bacteria can produce alcohol from food.  The lab boys have now identified the microbes and biological pathways behind this inconvenient condition as Auto-Brewery Syndrome.  Testing has showed that the gut samples of patients with the problem produced far more alcohol than those of healthy people.  In at least one case, however, those snappy fecal transplants mentioned above came to the rescue, leading to long-lasting symptom relief.  “Holy shit—what a relief!” exulted one of the victims.

4. God Is Not Going To Like This, but researchers at Hiroshima University now contend that life may have started in sticky, rock-hugging gels rather than inside cells.  Those wily Japanese suggest these primitive, biofilm-like materials could trap and concentrate molecules, giving early chemistry a protected space to grow more complex.  Within these gels, the first hints of metabolism and self-replication may have emerged.  We’d be more impressed if Chuck LeMasters hadn’t been telling us the same thing since 1985.

Coffee.  And just to complete the cycle, scientists now tell us that roasted coffee may do much more than just wake you up and get you on the bus.  It might even control blood sugar.  Researchers recently discovered several new coffee compounds that inhibit a-glucosidase, a key enzyme linked to type 2 diabetes.  Some of these molecules were even more potent than a common anti-diabetic drug.  The study also introduced a faster, greener way to uncover health-boosting compounds in complex foods.

“It can rock it, it can roll it, do the stomp and even stroll it…coffee!

“It warms you to the bone, it complements your scone, it plays your saxophone…coffee!

“You can’t really live without it, there’s no two ways about it, and if you start to doubt it just add some sauerkraut, it makes you want to shout, it saves you from the gout, it turns you inside-out, it’s vital in a drought, I think I’m almost out…COFFEE!”

That’s all, folks….

bill.killeen094@gmail.com

 

 

      

Uncle Bill Needs YOU!

Four years ago in early January, I sat down with David Fritz of the FATWOOD band and said, “what you and the other bands need to understand is that for this event, the audience is the star attraction.  It’s like they’re on stage and everybody is paying attention to them.  Many are coming back here for the first time in forty or fifty years and remember it as the place they had their dreams, sowed their wild oats, occasionally met the love of their lives.  For many who have left, Gainesville is a fantasy remembered only for the good things that happened to them here.  It’s like a shrine to their youth.  When they return, we have to live up to their expectations.”

“Coming in loud and clear,” said Fritz, aka Paco Paco, who went up on stage and did just that.  As did the four other bands who played that memorable day.  Paco is gone now, but the credo remains for the next great reunion of old Gainesvillians, The Grand Finale.  The musicians will strut their stuff on May 2, 2026, but the people on the great lawn at Heartwood Soundstage are the stars of the show.  If you were here in the sixties, seventies, eighties, we particularly want to see you return to the scene of your crimes.  You and your fellow returnees are the stars of the show.  We will do everything we can to make it a red letter day, an emotional watermark, a time long remembered.  Our job is to make you cry from sheer happiness and we’re good at our job.

Last Tango Testimonials

“I was stuck out in Arkansas, of all places, when I heard about The Last Tango from an old Gainesville crony.  He still lived in South Florida and he asked me to come.  I wasn’t keen on the drive and flying was expensive, but I thought what the hell.  My life was parked in neutral and I was fairly depressed at the time, so I had nothing to lose.  I got there a couple of days early and meandered around looking for my old haunts, a few of which were still there.  I cussed out all the giant new buildings on University Avenue and remembered the colorful stores which used to be there.  I hit some of the bars downtown, which were full of young people, then meandered over to Lillian’s.  I smiled, it was much like I remembered it.  Most of the people in there were talking about Bill Killeen’s big party the next day.  I started getting optimistic, perhaps encouraged by the alcohol.

Next day was a revelation.  Heartwood was like grade school at recess.  Everybody was going nuts.  The first band played all Beatles tunes and, of course, I knew them all.  You didn’t need to smoke, there were little pot clouds everywhere.  A lot of people danced, especially the women.  They were older, but they looked GREAT!  My friend wandered off so I went up and started dancing myself.  At first I felt like a crazy fool but it didn’t take long to get into the spirit of the day.  A band of mostly women began singing The Age of Aquarius and so did I.  I felt giddy and loose and optimistic.  Life didn’t have to be a pain in the ass, it could sometimes be like this.  I started to tear up and I felt like an idiot, and then I didn’t.  A woman in a billowing outfit with undyed grey hair came up to me and started dancing around…like an invitation.  I took her up on it.  Later, after the cowboy sang Auld Lang Syne, we both cried and eventually went to her place.  It might have been the greatest day of my life.  Am I coming back for The Grand Finale?  That might be the dumbest question ever.”---Thomas Decker, Sarasota

“Over the last 18 months, I had watched the dream of my friend Bill Killeen coalesce from an ephemeral idea into a reality.  And now the time for the Subterranean Circus grand reunion was at hand.  Bill and Jeff Goldstein had lined up the finest talent available to bring off this stellar event.  The outlying tents stood ready and even the promised ice cream truck was there.  The waiting was over.

I heard a voice and then realized it was my own.  I had written more than one ad lib but used none.  I talked with my brothers and sisters as though once again on the flight deck of WGVL-FM, the Quadship, as we flew somewhere above the clouds over Gainesville.  From across the Prairie rife with mushrooms, from the fields of green, the minstrels had come to reprise the music that had nourished us in the tradition of Stephen Stills, Ron Blair, Benmont Tench, Don Felder and Bernie Leadon.  They had come to grace this gathering with home-grown vibes.  It was pure love with a sound track.

Some members of the family, alas, had been called to leave before us.  I believe I saw the shadows of wings above us.  We were born to a generation that changed the world.  I celebrated life again with you as we danced and let our freak flags fly.  So thanks for listening, ladies and gentlemen.  Thanks for listening during my radio days.  Thanks for returning for this one Last Tango.  And thanks for deigning to wear some flowers in your hair.  Montana signing off with peace and love.”---Will Thacker, Black Hammock

“I almost didn’t go to The Last Tango, but at the last minute I though what the heck.  I had a date once with Bill just before I left town so at least I’d know somebody there.  I was a Gainesville short-timer but I loved the place---best city I ever lived in (left for good in ‘81).  I clearly remember the Circus, Silver City, Down to Earth, the Florida Theater and, of course, Lillian’s and George Swinford.  I don’t know if it was just that time in my life or the energy of the town, itself, but if felt different to me there than anywhere else I have ever been.  I loved going to the Prairie to watch the sunsets (nearby Cedar Key,too).

At any rate, the reunion was just smashing.  I didn’t know anybody but I felt like I knew everybody.  For the first time in months, I actually DANCED and I didn’t care who was looking.  I met several people during the day and have kept in touch with most of them.  I would LOVE to have gone back for the movie but it’s a long drive from St. Louis.  I hope Bill does this again someday, I’ll be there for sure.  Oh, and about that date---a lady never talks, but it was for a nice dinner and a movie.  We never made it to either one (wink).---Sara Flanders, Maplewood, Missouri

“I am not exactly a social butterfly.  Not many parties or concerts or fancy events.  Maybe a ball game now and then.  I graduated from UF in 1972 and did check out the Subterranean Circus but it wasn’t exactly one of my haunts at the time.  I lost my wife of almost 40 years in 2020 and wasn’t looking for another.  An old golf buddy who still lives in Florida told me we should get together at this big Last Tango reunion in 2022 and I was bored stiff, so I went, not expecting much.  I am sort of a loner, which I guess you’ve figured out by now, but as I was standing near the stage watching the musicians, a guy in a cowboy hat came up to me to say hello.  He told me in more depth what the day was about and he had great humanity and pointed out some people there who had met again after forty or fifty years.  Found their friends they never expected to see again.  I almost felt guilty that I didn’t have very many real friends and I thought what little I had done in my life to stay in touch.  Another fellow the cowboy hat knew came over to talk.  They said a few words and the cowboy said he had to get ready to play.  The second man asked me if I was having a good time.  I told him I didn’t think I fit in too well, that I hadn’t cultivated too many friendships in my life.  He reached his hand out, told me his name was Blake Harrison and said he’d like to be my friend.  I don’t get emotional about much but I really choked up and got watery-eyed.  I blinked like hell to hide it.  Soon after, I saw the cowboy come out on stage with his band.  I found out his name was Paco Paco.  They were spectacular.  At the end of the night, I wandered off with plenty to think about.  I got in my car and called my brother in Cincinnati and then my daughter in Hartford.  I babbled to them for quite awhile and I’m sure they thought I was nuts.  I went to my high school class reunion the next year and found a few old friends who were still on this side of the dirt.  We’ve been staying in touch.  I’m also a volunteer at the food bank now and I’ve started seeing a lady who works there.  I can’t express how much my life has turned around for the better.

I was stunned and saddened when I eventually got the word about Paco and Blake, my only Gainesville friends, who made me rethink my life.  I’m going to thank them the only way I know how—by honoring them with my presence at The Grand Finale.  Don’t be shocked if a stranger comes up to you, asks to shake your hand and offers to be your friend.  That will be me, looking for a couple more buddies.”---George Lowrey, Charlotte, N.C.   

Facts & Figures

Date: May 2, 2026, noon to 8 pm.  At 12 pm, we’ll show the film Last Tango in Gainesville on the big screen.  At 1 pm, the first of five bands will play.  The Grand Finale is free but you must have a ticket from Heartwood to get in.

On May 1, at 7 pm, Wil Maring and Robert Bowlin, headliners at the Hogtown Opry, will have a 90-minute show on Heartwood’s inside stage.  Mike Boulware will introduce.  Tickets are $40 plus tax and there are only 125 seats, some of which will be sold by the time you read this.

There are eateries on the grounds, a deli and a pizza restaurant.  Heartwood will have alcohol available.  There will be two doctors at a medical table in the merch area.  The Subterranean Circus facade will be available as a background for photos.

Principals:  Anna Marie Kirkpatrick will emcee.  Gina Hawkins will man the big screen and the green room.  In order, the bands will be:

Patchwork & Friends, introduced by Will Thacker

Couch Messiahs, introduced by David Atherton

Nancy Luca Band, introduced by David Hammer

Uncle John’s Band, playing all your Grateful Dead favorites

Uncle Bill Needs You!

In 2022, approximately 1000 people showed up at The Last Tango.  Over the course of the next six months, about that many said they would have come if they’d only known.  Several of the people affiliated with the show emailed or texted everyone they could think of for six months before the party.  Facebook friends shared information.  Heartwood sent out bulletins.  A blimp sailed over the Southeastern United States with a banner trailing behind reading, “Hey—almost dead hippies.  You can still get your rocks off at The Last Tango in Gainesville!”  Sometimes it’s difficult to get your message across.  Let’s not have that happen again.

Each week, about 3200 people read The Flying Pie, many of them Gainesville expats or current residents.  If all of those would make a point of sending the news out to just one old Hogtowner we’d be thrilled.  Although all humans over 15 are welcome, we’d rather have 500 ancient souls from the good old days than 1500 newbies.  Ideally, we’ll have many of each.  The days are winding down.  There are plans to be made, rooms to be reserved, dog-sitters to hire.  Let’s get the word out.  In the words of the sainted Simple Simon, “Ask not what your PIE can do for you, ask what you can do for your PIE.”

See you at the party.  If you notice me wandering around, come up and say “Lafayette, I am here!”

That’s all, folks….

bill.killeen094@gmail.com

   

 

  

Baby, It’s Cold Outside!

Mr. Weather came on TV this morning and told us it was 21 degrees outside, the coldest February 1st ever in these parts.  We were impressed and immediately donned thermal shirts, snow pants, giant hooded jackets, furry hats and gloves, then went out to deal with the elements.  Some people believe there is no such thing as freezing cold, there is only inadequate garmenting.

Once outside, we remembered Dylan’s line in Talkin’ New York---“New York Times said it was the coldest winter in 17 years.  I didn’t feel so cold then.”  It was cold enough, however, to freeze the water in our horse troughs, so we battered the ice into submission with hammers and broom handles.  Roxie the Rottweiler, 100 pounds of muscle and fat, was delighted with the temperature change and romped through the yard looking for something to chase.  It was very quiet out on NW 112th Avenue, even for a Sunday, as the neighbors peeked through their blinds to see what 21 degrees looked like.  Nary a single citizen was bouncing down the asphalt on his morning walk.

Our two visitors, down from Ann Arbor for some brief relief from the northern Winter, were appalled at the lack of consideration.  “It’s like Detroit without the carjackings,” one complained.  “Where are the sun-drenched beaches?  How can we get a tan to make the Michiganders jealous?”  The Sunshine State was all talk and no action, a promise unfulfilled, a hollow cannoli.  Embarrassing, to say the least.  We gave them a little orange rain check and sadly put them on a plane back to the Klondike.  The only sure things in life are death and disappointment.

Groundhog Day

February 2, 2026, Fairfield Florida, temperature 20 degrees, and the PVC is cracking in new places, the horses are shivering and the citrus trees are feeling discouraged.  It’s Groundhog Day in many respects, the first being “just like yesterday.”

In lovely downtown Punxsutawney, Phil the beleaguered groundhog was rousted from his cozy alcove on Gobbler’s Knob and promptly pointed to his shadow, predicting six more inspiring weeks of winter.  Is it just us or does Phil make the same promise every single year?  As they do annually, tens of thousands of masochists gathered in 1 degree temperatures to watch the proceedings.  In case noone ever explained all these shenanigans to you, it works like this: If the sun is shining (and it always is), Phil sees his shadow, which he regards as an omen of six more weeks of bad weather, and returns to his hole.  If it’s cloudy (and it never is), Phil doesn’t see his shadow and stays above ground, signifying an early spring.  Like any professional athlete, Phil has fickle fans…they booed him unmercifully after the announcement.

All this foolishness is rooted in an ancient European Christian celebration known as Candlemas (Feb. 2), which occurs halfway between Winter and Spring.  It commemorates the presentation of Jesus at the Temple of Jerusalem as a light to the people of Israel.  Christians often pack up their loose candles and haul them to church to be blessed before they’re used the rest of the year.  Historically, the weather on Candlemas was observed to predict the start of Spring, as in the old roadside ads:

“If Candlemas be fair and bright,
Winter has another flight.
If Candlemas brings clouds and rain,
Winter will not come again.”

Burma Shave

In ancient European weather lore, the citizens would observe hibernating animals like badgers to foretell the arrival of Spring.  But when German settlers settled in Pennsylvania in the 1700s, they needed no stinking badgers…they resorted to the chubby little groundhogs native to the area.  You’ll be flabbergasted to know that in 2025 the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration ranked the accuracy of 19 weather-predicting  critters (including a prairie dog, duck, alligator and turtle) from around the USA, and the annoying Phil placed a pitiful 17th out of 19 for accuracy, with a meager 35% correct rate.  The irony is that Phil was beaten by another groundhog named Staten Island Chuck, who had an 85% accuracy rate.  If this were the major leagues, Chuck would be called up from Triple-A and Phil would be exiled to Akron.

Origins

So how did all this craziness get started?  And why Punxsutawney instead of, say, Canarsie or Duluth?  Well, as often happens, it started with a newspaper editor, guy named Clymer Freas, of all things.  Clymer was a dues-paying member of the huffy Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (which, by the way, started as a shameful groundhog hunting club) and on February 2, 1886 decided to write an article in the Punxsutawney Spirit newspaper claiming that Phil the groundhog could predict the weather.  Phil’s fame began to spread far and wide as newspapers around the world reported on his amazing talents, and on Feb. 2, 1887 a modest crowd gathered in town to watch Phil do his stuff.  Over time, the crowds grew, but never so much as after Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day movie hit the big screen, after which Phil’s fame exploded.  Now, thousands gather every year at Gobbler’s Knob to witness what the Seer of Seers has to proclaim.

If you are messing with animals in any way, shape or form, you will inevitably draw the interest of the spoilsports at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), the world’s largest animal rights organization, which has a propensity for running its train off the tracks every now and then.  PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk pointed out that groundhogs are timid little fellows “who actively try to avoid humans,” especially loud, smelly ones.  “Yet every year this terrified little animal is subjected to loud announcers and noisy crowds and held up and waved around without any regard for his feelings, welfare or instincts”  Ingrid neglects to mention Phil’s elevated status among groundhogs, free room and board, a gourmet diet and sparkling care.

Phil lives in a custom-built, climate-controlled habitat located inside the prestigious Punxsutawney Memorial Library.  This allows him to avoid the harsh cold and unpredictable conditions of a natural winter hibernation.  He is hand-fed a diet of fresh fruits and vegetables, with a noted preference for bananas.  He is under the care of a dedicated group of handlers known as “The Inner Circle,” and lives in extreme comfort with his wife, Phyllis.  Moreover, each summer at the fabulous Groundhog Picnic, Phil drinks a secret recipe called “the Elixir of Life,” which legend contends grants him seven additional years of life for every sip.  Ingrid Newkirk should be so lucky.

Ms. Roboto

Imprisoned by Arctic conditions, the Outdoor Philosopher grumbles into his herbal tea and looks for succor.  He picks up his iPad and begins to scroll down the endless internet list of promises, scams, vacation opportunities in Monrovia and photos of Will Thacker with his latest book purchaser, who in this case happens to be Fidel Castro.

Continuing down the page, he finds offers for goods and services which will change his life for the better.  Whether it’s a secret nectar which will save his kidneys, the latest miracle in penile enhancement or Frizetta’s Mobile Massage Wagon, help is on the way if he will only avail himself of this once in a lifetime opportunity.  With his future wellbeing at stake---and who knows, perhaps the fate of mankind as well---he decides the responsible thing to do is to investigate these promising possibilities.  He engages an entity called Acme Wonder Products to inquire about their exciting offer.  Neon Rose with the wooden hose writes back.

Rose: Hello Eugene.  My name is Rosie and I have been a medical professional for 16 years.  I’ve recorded your questions in your medical record but I still need to ask you a few more questions.  This conversation will be kept strictly confidential so none of your friends will laugh at you or post mean memes on Facebook.

Eugene: Good to know.  The answers to all of the questions except #4 is Yes.  The answer to #4 is Sometimes.

Rose: Far out.  You might be interested in some data I possess.  Among the 354 patients aged 55-85 which I treated last year, most had similar problems to yours.  After personalized treatment plans, virtually all of them improved by two levels.  I will now send you reams of barely intelligible statistics to bolster my argument.  Prepare to be overwhelmed with incredulity.

Eugene: I’m extremely impressed.  However, such incredible technology might be extremely expensive.

Rose: Better than going to the hospital for surgery, Mister.  I will now customize three plans for you.  The Miracle Wonder Package is $370 and comes with all the bells and whistles.  The Plebeian Subdivision Kit is $270 but lacks some of the finer aspects of the MWP.  And the miserable Trailer Park Box is a pathetic $170 and is missing some of the parts.  Which one do you want?

Eugene: Whoa!  Slow down, Sparky.  All this sounds like a lot of money to me.

Rose: Are you out of your mind?  Products like these are cutting edge, you can’t get them for nothing.  If you don’t have any money, just say so.

Eugene: You are a robot who has no comprehension of human financial limitations.

Rose: I am a real person and I will disagree with your opinion, understand?

Eugene: Yep.  Goodbye.

Rose: Get out of here!!!

We admit to a bit of exaggeration in Rose’s comments, but the first sentence of her last four remarks were word-for-word.  Her early remarks, most omitted for brevity, were extremely detailed in the presentation and explanation of her product and its benefits.  They appeared to come from a very charismatic, intelligent, knowledgeable entity, someone whose opinions you might have confidence in.

When it came to making the sale, however, Rose’s bus promptly plowed into the side of a building.  She was not only argumentative, she was insulting.  Many of us are worried that Artificial Intelligence will take our jobs away, but not Easy Ed down at the car lot.  Ed gets it, the soft sell, the schmoozing.  He might mention his wife’s cancer surgery in passing or bring up his one-armed first-grader.  He’ll make you a jaw-dropping offer just as you walk off the lot.  It’s possible he could bring up the moral turpitude of the Ford dealer across the street or his boss’ incredible philanthropy to the Salvation Army.  But if you do opt to look further, he will send you off with a wave and a smile.  The battle might be lost but the war is not necessarily over.  “Come back and see me anytime,” Ed yells as you drive away.  And maybe you will.  AI, for all its merits, does not understand finesse, farsightedness, the art of the deal.  Neon Rose with the wooden hose needs to go back to school.

That’s all, folks….

bill.killeen094@gmail.com

   

  

The Wintertime Blues

Baby, it’s cold outside!  Shoulder itching cold.  Horse blanket cold.  International Falls, Minnesota cold.  And we have to go out in it and do things.  It’s an outrage!  Back in the day, when you moved to Florida, you used to get an official document that promised serene seas, temperate climes and free newspapers on any day the sun didn’t appear.  Arthur Godfrey started a television show in Miami Beach and told everybody about it.  Frozen northerners came down in droves, building condos which blocked out the sun.  But then some curious things started happening on the way to Edenic bliss.  First, hordes of very toothy sharks took up residence just off the east coast.  Then the newspapers went out of business.  And now it’s almost snowing.  All things considered, we might as well be in Philadelphia.

We’re not sissies.  We trekked two miles to high school on minus-zero days with howling winds and blowing snow.  We endured pulsing earlobes, frozen nose hair, eyelashes that stuck together, fingers and toes on the verge of frostbite, dagger-like icicles falling all around us.  And that was on the good days.  We paid our dues with backbreaking shovels, dead car batteries, invisible black ice and snowballs between the eyes.  We fell through thin ice into freezing water, crashed sleds into trees and were occasionally trapped in our cumbersome snowsuits until help arrived.  We thought all that was over when we got to the lovely Sunshine State.  Then we look outside one frosty morning and discover to our horror that it’s 25 abominable degrees.  Where do we sign up for the boat to Jamaica?

What Do They Do On A Snowy Night In Fargo?

The UHaul Company, which knows about these things, tells us that Ocala, Florida is the fastest-growing municipality in the country.  The Sunshine State actually has 8 of the top 10 growth cities and 12 of the top 25, including Clermont, for crying out loud.  Blame national television, where every night in January bad-weather fanatics dart about the screen yammering about the brutal cold everywhere north of the Florida-Georgia line and showing disturbing videos of giant semis sliding down the highway into tiny donut shops.  Ever wonder what happens when you get stuck in the middle of one of those 79-car pileups?  Do you just get out of your Buick, cross over the median and start hitchhiking the other way?  Does Ken Kesey show up in his magic bus and take you to the nearest commune?  What happens to your car and all the stuff inside?  Does the state department of transportation gather everything up for a giant yard sale?  Is it time to call the ubiquitous Dan Newlin?  Inquiring minds want to know.

What if you live in Fargo?  Do you just stay home all the time and whittle?  No, you don’t.  You go off to watch the cardboard sled races, play snow golf or ice-fish.  And consider this; Fargo is Canada’s toasty Caribbean area.  Everyplace in the country is north of Fargo.  Think about that the next time you get annoyed with Captain Trumpy and start looking for a new home.  A good guideline to follow: stay away from places where hockey is the national sport.

If Fargo is freezing and Canada is worse, what’s north of Canada?  That would be Alaska, where everyone wears mittens, keeps sled dogs and eats blubber.  An Alaskan’s idea of a good time is snowshoeing across the tundra to the big Fur Rondy in Anchorage and participating in the Frostbite Footrace, then yukking it up with the mushers over at Bubba’s Blubberburgers.  Anchorage, however, is a day at the beach compared to Barrow.

Barrow is not the absolute coldest place in Alaska for record lows, but it is generally considered the coldest inhabited place due to its Arctic location.  It is, in fact, so cold in Barrow that they had to change the town’s name because nobody would go to Barrow anymore.  So now it’s called Utquiagvik, which means “place where fingernails fall off” in the native Inupiag language.  Even so, the population has increased since the name change and Utquiagvik is now the 12th most populated city in Alaska.  Unfortunately, the Barrow Whalers athletics teams’ nickname was lost in the transition and now they are the the Utquiagvik Utopians, a misnomer if ever there was one.  The locals pass the time taking selfies at the iconic Whale Bone Arch, running from polar bears and betting on whose big toes will fall off first when they dip them in the Arctic Ocean.  On the positive side, Barrow’s rampaging Northern Lights are to die for.  Literally.

We’re Number 1!

The coldest place on Earth where anyone actually lives is Oymyakon, Russia, with temperatures as low as -96 degrees Fahrenheit.  The coldest place of any consequence is Yakutsk, Siberia, home to 355,500 crazy fools, where cars are left running for hours to keep the fuel from freezing and people wear fur-lined underwear.  The air is cold enough to numb exposed skin in no time.  “Just dress warmly, in layers, like a cabbage,” the residents tell you.

Yakutsk is shrouded in “ice fog” during the winter, a phenomenon which occurs when the air is so cold that hot air from houses, etc., cannot rise.  Incoming visitors are advised not to walk in the streets when the temperature falls below minus 40.  And you wonder why vodka is the national drink? 

That’s What Happiness Is…

Are the people in Utquiagvik and Yakutsk less happy in their surroundings than the rest of us?  Not necessarily.  In the former, the pay from the oil industry is good, the landscape is pristine and the Jehovah’s Witnesses almost never come trotting down your driveway.  In the latter, you can explore underground ice tunnels, visit the world’s only Mammoth Museum or warm your frozen mitts over a tasty bowl of salamat.

The pilgrim climbs to the snowy mountaintop, finds his guru and asks the ultimate question: “Oh anointed one, how can I find happiness in these miserable conditions?  I have sweltered in the suffocating jungles of the Amazon, been chastened by the sobering snows of Kilimanjaro, soaked to the skin in dreary Mawsynram, dried to the bone in the Sahara.  I have searched for happiness high and low, in sickness and in health, through earthquakes and forest fires and avalanches and floods.  Once, in a horrendous tornado, I was blown from Anadarko to Wichita, Kansas.  Where, oh where does happiness lie?”  The smiling wizard rises, points a finger in the air, puts a disc on the turntable and says…

“You put your left foot in…you put your right foot out.  You put your right foot in and you shake it all about.  You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around…that’s what it’s all about!”

“I describe my pain and you mock me?” gripes the pilgrim.

“Hey, don’t knock it if you ain’t tried it,” smiles the wizard.

“Happiness!” says the guru.  “Some like it hot.  Some like it cold.  Some like it in the pot nine days old.  Happiness has nothing to do with the elements, it’s a gadfly.  Many people spend their whole lives waiting for it to arrive, then fail to recognize it when it waves at them from a second-story window.  After all, it could be a mirage.  ‘And anyway, it looks a little hard to reach,’ says Moe.  ‘That’s why they have stairs,’ says Joe.”

The guru greets a second customer.

“I believe in yesterday,” smiles Innocentia of Sunnybrook Farm.  “All my troubles seemed so far away.  Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.  Oh, I believe in yesterday.”

“As do we all, little one.  But yesterday is far away and those troubles often fade in the rear-view mirror…look smaller tomorrow than they do today.  You can’t build a wall around yesterday, or today, for that matter.  You have to live in the now, knowing all the while that present circumstances will inevitably change but you still hold the steering wheel.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Charlie Brown once said, ‘Ten thousand years from now, who’ll know the difference.’  Cher said it better: ‘If it doesn’t matter in five years, it doesn’t matter.’

Happiness doesn’t just appear from a vacuum.  There are no genies popping out of magic lamps these days.  You have to create your own happiness…work joy-inducing moments into your daily routine.  Here are a few things that push the H-button for people you may know:”

Charles Schulz—“Happiness is a warm puppy.”

Georgio Armani---“There is nothing without love.  No money, no power.  Love is very important.  When you wake up in the morning, you need to know that somebody else is waking up thinking of you.” 

Freedrich Nietzsche---“The secret is to live dangerously!  Build your cities on Vesuvius!  Send your ships into uncharted seas!”

Booker T. Washington---“Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.”

Mahatma Gandhi---“Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt---“Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”

William James---“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.”

Dalai Lama---“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” 

Ralph Waldo Emerson---“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

Happiness.  Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot nine days old…whether they’re in Oahu or Yukutsk or the Salt Caves of Atacama.  You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative and don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.  If all else fails, try bacon.

Utquiagvik, nee Barrow.  Anyone for a little croquet?

That’s all, folks…

bill.killeen094@gmail.com