It’s that other type of lip filler.
Increasing numbers of women are getting their labia majora “puffed,” according to reliable sources who know about these things. The procedure involves injecting dermal filler or transferring fat into their goodies to restore plumpness. Groan if you like, but doctors claim the procedure could soon become as ubiquitous as boob jobs.
“One day it’s going to be a household type of thing, where we talk about it the way we talk about breast implants,” says board-certified urologist Dr. Fenwa Millhouse in an interview with Allure. “Labia puffing has grown significantly in popularity in just the last year.”
The cosmetic procedure is meant to make dowdy old labia majora, the outermost part of the vulva more plump and youthful, according to Millhouse. “I’ve had women in their twenties get this procedure because they feel their labia majora are very underwhelming, and certainly peri- and postmenopausal women get it as well.”
Dr. Shazia Malik, a UK-based obstetrician and gynecologist, told Metro UK that labia puffing is often desired by women looking to regain a youthful, fuller appearance after aging, weight loss or childbirth. “Many women seem to address perceived imperfections or asymmetry,” she explained. “Aside from the aesthetic improvement, labia puffing can also increase confidence, particularly in intimate situations.”
An anonymous 36-year-old puffette told Allure she underwent the procedure after giving birth to “restore volume and feel sexier.” Another woman said she had it done because her vagina was “looking like a very old, worn-out gym sock.” Nobody wants that, right? Millhouse talks about one enthusiastic patient who was particularly ecstatic at the upshot of her procedure. “She observed the results, turned around and said ‘I’m getting turned on just looking at myself.’ How do you beat that for a satisfied customer?” Good question. We can hardly wait to see the TV ads. Hey, they did it with Charmin.
Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?
Because the Thai police will come right over and lock you up, that’s why. A Chinese couple, Oh Zhihang, 67 and his partner Lin Tingting, 35 found this out after setting up a tripod, stripping themselves naked and doing the Nasty Dance on the pavement in Pattaya, Thailand recently. Shocked onlookers watched as the fun couple went to town in broad daylight in public view, police swooping in after being alerted by a busybody security guard who photographed the proceedings.
After the walk of shame to the police station, Zhihang protested that he did not know public sex was illegal in Thailand. “I am a photographer,” he said, “and I travel around the world taking nude photos in various locations. I have visited many countries where I have done the same thing. I apologize to the Thai people for damaging the image of Pattaya.” The shocking sex act comes just days after a feisty Russian couple was filmed in sexual acts on a beach in the same city. “At least the Russians were halfway submerged in the water,” the cops report.
Pattaya is 100 kilometers from Bangkok and is widely known as a party town, apparently for good reason. Nonetheless, the cops are appalled. “The super circus comes to town this weekend,” reported a police spokesman. “What’s next---the flying trapeze?”
Down The Stretch They Come!
Move over Kentucky Derby. An enterprising startup has announced the launch of the world’s first sperm race, in which samples went head-to-head on April 25 in Los Angeles to raise awareness about declining male fertility. The unusual contest was organized by Sperm Racing, a group of young moguls who raised over $1 million to back this veritable Breeders Cup of creative juices at the famous Hollywood Palladium before thousands of odd spectators.
Two competing schools, the University of Southern California and UCLA fielded microscopic swimmers for the inaugural, which took place under a tiny camera which tracked the progress of the sperms as they attempted to cross the finish line, Three races were held to determine the overall winner, with play-by-play commentary provided during each heat. There were also instant replays, leaderboards and betting through approved parlors. “Sperm racing isn’t just about racing sperm,” reported startup co-founder Eric Zhu, author of The Sperm Racing Manifesto. “It’s also about turning health into a competition. It’s about making male fertility something people actually want to talk about, track and improve.”
Maybe some people, Eric.
“When You’re Dead, You’re Dead.”---Joe E. Brown
“Maybe not.”---Dannion Brinkley
Despite what you believe about an afterlife, nobody really knows, right? Except maybe good old Dan Brinkley, who was struck by lightning and survived. The chance of being struck by lightning is less than 1 in a million, but that’s only important when you’re the 1. “It went into the side of my head above my ear,” Dan relates. “It threw me up in the air, I see the ceiling, it slams me back down. A ball of fire comes through the room and blinds me. I am burning. I am on fire. I am paralyzed.”
Brinkley was taken to a hospital via ambulance and doctors there declared him dead. He woke up 30 minutes later in the hospital morgue, always a disappointment. He said his soul temporarily left his body. While explaining what happened to him when he flatlined, Dan described what many people expect when they die---a light in the distance and a flashback of one’s entire life. But Dan didn’t stay dead long, he recovered. Two long years after the incident, Brinkley learned to walk again.
“There are signs of normal brain activity found up to one hour after resuscitation,” according to Dr. Sam Parnia, an associate professor of medicine at NYU Langone Health. “We are not only able to show the markers of lucid consciousness, but also that these experiences are unique and universal. They’re different from dreams, illusions and delusions.”
Brinkley says he has learned “you don’t die, you learn you are a spiritual being, you’re not going to Hell. Nobody dies, it never happens. It’s not a part of the nature of reality.” Okay, Dannion, if you say so. You put a lightning deflector on your house, though, right?
What If They Opened A Zoo And Nobody Came?
Toco, the human collie, is sad today. Alas, it seems that not many people share his interest in pet-amorphosis and Toco may have to close his bizarre zoo due to a lack of ticket sales. The Lassie masquerader went viral in 2023 after dropping more than sixteen grand on a hyperrealistic custom collie suit to realize his dream of becoming man’s best friend. He quickly amassed over 60,000 followers on YouTube where he frequently posts footage of himself going for walks, fetching sticks and frolicking on the lawn with other humans in sheepdog costumes.
All this led Toco to believe there was a market for a place where anyone could become an animal and “fulfill their wildest dreams,” according to the dog-man. He opened the Tocotoco Zoo, where people can spend over $300 to don, say, a lifesize Alaskan Malamute costume with jaws than can open and close. The zoo is located in Saitama Prefecture, just north of Tokyo. Initially, the attraction was a smash hit, booked months in advance, but sad to say the novelty seems to have worn off and reservations are…well…in the toilet.
“Please come,” pleads Toco. “If you’ve ever considered life as a dog, this is the time to find out if you have what it takes. The cost is reasonable for 180 minutes of lifechanging bliss. And after all, you can’t put a price on ecstasy.”
Don’t forget to bring a certified human to clean up after you.
Forget It!
Bullied in high school? How about that weekend as a fraternity pledge where the members dressed you up like Olive Oyl, stuck a funnel up your butt and force-fed you a six-pack of Budweiser? Remember the time you lost that winning $100,000 lottery ticket or washed your hands at the track, erasing the $50,000 winning trifecta you’d written on your left wrist? Can you ever live down that humiliating date with Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Try as you might to forget, you’ll be forever haunted by a boatload of life’s most devastating experiences, your ultimate punishment for naivete, carelessness or plain bad luck. Or maybe not.
According to Dr. Johathan Rasouli, a neurosurgeon at Northwell Staten Island University Hospital, you---like Jim Carey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind---might be spared by a brand-spanking-new memory-erasing medical procedure. There are now three cutting-edge methods that can mute and dampen traumatic memories now being used to help people with depression.
“Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) is like wireless jumper cables for your brain, but a lot more precise,” says Rasouli. “It’s a noninvasive treatment that uses magnetic fields like MRI to stimulate specific parts of the brain, usually targeting areas involved in mood regulation.” Patients have a magnetic coil placed on their scalps, which sends pulses to specific areas of the brain. “It is primarily used for treatment-resistant depression,” comments Rasouli, but researchers are now exploring its impact on memory recall, emotional processing and addiction.” The theory is still in the early stages of testing, but doctors feel that targeting certain brain circuits can change how people access their memories.
Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) is a “brain pacemaker” which is currently used to treat Parkinson’s disease, dystonia, epilepsy, OCD and major depression. Small electrodes are implanted directly into specific areas of the brain, where they send electrical impulses to the structures that are involved in movement and mood. “Some studies show that DBS can influence emotional memory, reward processing and even reduce traumatic recall,” claims Rasouli. In the future, it could be used to mute traumatic memories, though it’s invasive and unlikely to become a casual outpatient procedure anytime soon.
Finally, there is Propranolol Therapy, which uses a beta-blocker medication usually prescribed to treat high blood pressure. Researchers have recently discovered that Propranolol can “dampen the emotional punch of memories and thus be used for therapeutic purposes,” claims Rasouli. “This is probably the closest real-world analog to the Eternal Sunshine concept, but with no actual memory deletion.” Instead of erasing the memory entirely, this “sleeper hit” makes it feel less vivid or depressing. “When taken before recalling a traumatic event, propranolol reduces the intensity of the emotional response, essentially reconsolidating the memory with less emotional weight,” the doc asserts. “Currently, it’s being used for PTSD, anxiety and phobias.”
Good to know. Maybe I can finally dislodge those terrible memories of coming home from college to discover my mother had given away my entire comic book collection, which included Superboy, Volume 1, Number 1, which is worth a startling $23,000 today. Maybe I can forget those ninth-inning rallies by opponents when the Red Sox closers forgot to throw baseballs and served up cantaloupes instead. Maybe I can get rid of the day I tackled massive Paul Higgins on a kickoff return and was left motionless in a pile of dirt.
But then again, maybe I’ll keep those memories. My mother told me adversity breeds character, and she was rarely wrong. Considering the amount of disasters I’ve encountered, I should be banking an awful lot of the stuff. If I could just get back that picture of Janis Joplin trying to teach me to play the autoharp….
That’s all, folks….
