He’s Ba-a-a-ck!
Look up in the sky---it’s a bird! It’s a plane…nope, it’s Floridaman, floating to the ground in a pink tutu, looking for trouble and more often than not, finding it.
In Martin County, long-time Florida man Joseph Leedy, naked from the waist down and otherwise “acting erratically,” drove his car from the jail parking lot straight up a walkway and through the glass lobby doors into the county lockup. After making his spectacular entrance, Leedy proceeded to toss rubber snakes all over the place, then doused his vehicle with motor oil before correctional officers intervened.
“He didn’t like President Trump very much,” said Chief Deputy John Budensiek. “Said Trump was on his shit list. He also said the devil told him to kill as many people as possible and he was starting with us.”
Leedy faces an astonishing number of charges, including four counts of assault on an officer. At least they didn’t have to haul him off to jail.
Meanwhile, back at the beach, a Florida man was arrested for trying to sail to London in a giant homemade hamster wheel. “It’s nobody’s business where I want to go in my hamster wheel,” Reza Baluchi, 44, told the Coast Guard after they finally talked him out of there three days after he was discovered. Mr. Baluchi has tried three similar voyages in the past, all of which ended in Coast Guard intervention.
The makeshift contraption is a large wheel with paddles that are designed to propel his craft forward as the wheel revolves. “It’s nuts,” said an unnamed CG officer. “Based on the sorry condition of the vessel, which was afloat as a result of crazy wiring and buoys, Baluchi was conducting a manifestly unsafe voyage.” No kidding. “And he was embarking just as a major hurricane was on the horizon.” Neither sideways rain nor typhoon winds nor lightning bolts on steroids shall stay these brazen hamster wheel sailors from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. And you wonder why we have a Coast Guard. We do still have a Coast Guard, right?
Stop! In The Name Of Love.
Florida man Dusty Mobley tried to cut and run on his riding lawnmower when Okaloosa County police closed in, attempting to serve the 40-year-old culprit with several arrest warrants. The cops shouted at Dusty to stop, but he wasn’t buying, swerving his vehicle and heading for Perdition. Mobley is on a first name basis with deputies after a previous encounter when he jumped into a swamp to evade capture.
As fast as a John Deere ride-on might be, the lawmen caught up and smacked Dusty with a taser blast. When he was apprehended, the criminal was found to be in possession of a revolver, a handcuff key and a pipe with methamphetamine residue. Hey, you never know when you’ll need one of them handcuff keys.
Mobley was charged with the theft of a $40,000 boat, grand theft of a vehicle, felony criminal mischief, two counts of resisting an officer, possession of a concealed weapon by a felon, carrying a concealed handcuff key, possession of drug paraphernalia and a partridge in a persimmon tree. One local wag said, “What I would give to see the video of him getting tased on the lawnmower played to the Benny Hill theme. If he would have outrun them on that mower, it would have been a classic commercial for John Deere.”
The Untimely Demise Of Big Roo
A Florida man has been accused of murdering his neighbor’s rooster…and now a chickenshit feud between the perp and the pet owner has ended in a a 30-day jail sentence.
Big Roo was Jason Defelice’s beloved rooster until James Nix hit him with a stick. “I was defending myself,” says Nix. “I was fearing for my safety. He was coming at me with a mean look in his eye. What would you do? That’s one scary chicken. Or, was.” James alleged it was not the first time the fowl creature attacked a neighbor, but Defelice said he’d heard no complaints from anyone else. “It’s just a chicken—what’s he going to do, slap you around?”
Nix said he was only trying to get away. “I just tried to get him off me but the chicken is jumping all over me. I tried to fend it off but I accidentally knocked it in the head. You know…call it a lucky shot. Next thing you know, he calls the chicken police on me. I mean, come on—chickens are dying every day at Popeye’s and KFC. Really.”
Animal control voted in favor of the chicken. Nix was arrested and sent to jail for the vile crime of animal cruelty. Somewhere in that big chicken coop in the sky, Big Roo is smiling.
Eight Miles High
Florida man Timothy Gunter, 34, was not altogether alarmed when subdued by Lake County police for robbing a home near Paisley. After being booked into jail on charges of burglary and methamphetamine possession, Gunter complained of having received some “bad narcotics” and requested a deputy test his stash. He handed over a plastic baggie containing a clear, crystal-like substance, which turned out to be low-grade meth. “You can’t trust anybody any more,” grumped the offender.
In Winter Park, police reported residents inside a home on 6th Street were awakened by Florida man Austin Smith, 23. When they went to investigate they found Smith in the living room, wearing only a shirt with no pants or shoes, holding their vacuum cleaner in his hands. Smith told the cops he didn’t recall what he was doing because he was high on meth. He was charged with burglary of an occupied building but had the good grace not to ask police to evaluate his drugs.
What started as a road rage incident in cozy Dunnellon eventually spiraled into a chaotic arrest scene involving a Florida man, his loyal pit bull, a naked child, over $15,000 in discarded bills and enough fentanyl to kill over 4000 people. Josue Hernandez, 38, is facing several charges, including two counts of battery of an officer, resisting arrest with violence, child neglect, trafficking in fentanyl and possession of drug paraphernalia. The Marion County Sheriff’s Office was originally alerted to a fight in the roadway stemming from a road rage incident. When a deputy arrived on the scene, he saw Hernandez “throwing garbage from the open windows of his vehicle (the ‘garbage’ was later discovered to include the $15,000).”
“After my 7th request that he come out and speak with me, he rolled down the back driver’s side window and an aggressive pit bull climbed halfway out,” reported the deputy. “He asked me ‘Are you a pussy? Are you scared of dogs?’”
Hernandez then got out of his car and assumed a fighting stance, at which time the deputy tried to grab his wrists. The perp resisted and nearly pushed the lawman onto Highway 484, a busy, high-traffic area. The deputy used his taser on Hernandez twice, but the offender ripped it out and ran away, calling for his dog to attack the cop. Other arriving deputies used oleoresin capsicum spray to discourage the pit bull. Eventually, Hernandez was tackled and detained. It was never established whether the original deputy was or was not a pussy.
Enter Florida Woman
Ordinarily, Elizabeth Hill-Brodigan might have been sent to the principal’s office for hosting a booze-filled house party for over 100 kids at her Cocoa Beach home. Trouble is Lizzy is the principal at Theodore Roosevelt Elementary School. Students there claimed Hill-Brodigan threw these affairs at least once or twice a month. Police responded to numerous calls from irate neighbors who complained about underage drinking, marijuana use and addled children walking through their yards cussing at them. The cops witnessed at least one juvenile vomiting in a neighbor’s front yard who required medical attention. Police also stopped a vehicle that ran a stop sign and barely missed hitting their car. “Two underaged and drunk females were inside, a driver and her passenger. The driver provided a breath sample which was double the legal limit for alcohol. The passenger was cited for pot,” said the report. “They laughed at us and told us girls just want to have fun.”
A Florida woman was arrested by Pinellas County deputies after she allegedly used an electric screwdriver to drive a screw into her 12-year-old daughter’s buttocks. Jaclyn Goszczynski, 40, was hauled in and charged with child abuse after the incident. According to the arrest report, Goszczynski and three children were hanging picture frames when she approached one daughter and asked her, “Have you ever been screwed in the ass?” Without waiting for an answer, Mrs. G. pulled out her tool, pressed it to the kid’s left butt cheek and pressed down on the trigger, driving the screw in. “The screw was stuck in the victim’s buttock until the perpetrator took it out, leaving a visible mark on her backside,” the affidavit reported. Goszczynski was arrested and eventually released on a $25,000 bond. The perp hinted that the Devil made her do it. The Devil vehemently denied all responsibility.
Raise a glass to Florida Man (and now, Woman). Long live his name and long live her glory and long may their stories be told.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
