How quickly we forget the wonders wrought by clever inventors of the past who got no help from computers or artificial intelligence or government subsidies, often working in candlelit basements and utility sheds to move humanity forward. But Kathleen Knight, head of our Chicken Life division at FP Enterprises, has not forgotten. Forthwith, some of the brilliant creations she has unearthed.
1. The Wooden Bathing Suit. These days swimwear manufacturers try to sell the least amount of suit material for the largest amount of money, their own version of the minimalist ‘Less Is More’ philosophy espoused by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. Back in lively 1929, however, wooden bathing suits were to die for. The booming lumber industry in Grays Harbor County, Washington could make you anything from soup to nuts, and one day some brilliant employee had the notion to make bathing suits from thin spruce veneer, and they did. The industry trotted out an advertising campaign featuring the lovely “Spruce Girls,” in which one charming young lady explained how she used leftover veneer from her father’s newly-built house to make her own suit. An article in Popular Science magazine touted the swimwear as “trendy and durable, the latest novelty for use on the bathing beaches. Fashioned of thin spruce, they are said to be practical as costumes and also are sufficiently buoyant to encourage a timid swimmer to take a plunge. So far none of them has warped or cracked.”
Good thing. Practically nobody will tolerate a cheesy warped or cracked bathing suit.
2. The Emergency Folding Bridge. A snappy surprise for the man who has everything, the emergency folding bridge was concocted in 1926 in the Netherlands by a fellow named L. Deth. Granted, the need for an emergency bridge might be considered fairly remote, but who can say when a sudden tornado, tidal wave or sinkhole might come rolling in, bringing with it devastation and giant gaps in the landscape. The prepared citizen can promptly transport his emergency folding bridge to the scene in a simple handcart, snap it together and voila!…problem solved. Take smug satisfaction in being the first in your militia or ladies auxiliary to own one.
3. The Portable Bathtub. In 1960, a group of group of clever British students joined forces to create combination scooter and washbasin, allowing them to carry extra groceries, transport a girlfriend or take a bath while overlooking the Jurassic Coast.
In the late 1800s, ‘folding bathtubs’ were introduced by the Mosely Folding Bath Tub company in Chicago. Their Closet Folding Bathtub, encased in wood, could turn any room into a bathroom. When bathing was over, simply fold and return to the closet. The tub included a built-in mirror on one side for added primping value or extra-bath hijinks. The invention was a welcome one for families in the late 19th century, many of whom were migrating from the country into overcrowded cities with no running water. The tub allowed people to bathe in small quarters like tenements and not compromise their amount of living space.
4. The Pedestrian Catcher. Back in the Roaring Twenties when few automobiles roamed the avenues, a citizen might be forgiven for failing to look both ways before crossing. Even then, however, accidents were rare and serious injuries even moreso due to the relatively slow speed of the cars. Then WHAMMO!---somebody was crunched and actually died and the auto manufacturers realized drastic measures must be taken. In 1930, they came up with a novel solution called the Pedestrian Catcher (also known as the Safety Scoop), an ingenious device “that will literally sweep a fallen pedestrian before it and thus save him from being crushed to almost certain death beneath the heavy wheels,” according to the optimistic hype squad at Modern Mechanix magazine.
The device featured a grooved roller attached to an extension beam on the car. Inactivated, it served as a bumper but once a vulnerable old granny was spotted in the walkway the driver needed only to pull a lever and the grooved roller deployed to the ground. “A flick of the switch and the scoop has another mouthful,” as the jaunty narrator on British Pathe News put it in a video showing the Pedestrian Catcher at work. “When the scoop is open, a jaywalker simply can’t get run over, and sometimes that’s more than he deserves.” Sympathy, thy name is not British Pathe News.
Alas, the superscooper was not all it was set out to be. If a car was going too fast or the driver failed to plunk his magic twanger in time, the pedestrian was scooped-up toast. Eventually, the devices went the way of other epic fails like the Edsel, the McDonald’s Hula Burger and short pants on major league baseball players. Useless as they were, however, Abba still wrote a song about them.
A news report from the 1935 British Industry Fair spoke thusly: “The inventor of this instrument declares that it is not his intention to encourage the alleged laziness of youth but to attempt to make the lives of the sick and bedridden happier.”
Glad we cleared that up.
The Gas-Resistant Baby Stroller. Giggle if you must, but things weren’t so jolly in old England in 1938. The Luftwaffe made daily visits, bombing the bejeezus out of London and points north, south, east and west despite meeting stiff resistance from the Royal Air Force. England’s fortitude frustrated Adolf Hitler, who was known to be supervising a claque of mad scientists working on rockets and germ warfare weapons. Enter the Gas-Resistant Baby Stroller, the pram what am, fitted out with an air-tight gas-proof lid and an air window with a filter which ensured gas-free air. Most of the strollers even had a built-in radio which could play monotonous sounds to keep the baby asleep or tip mom off to an upcoming invasion. One sarcastic Times reporter commented, “It’s perfect, because if it doesn’t work well enough to keep the gas away, you can just leave the dead baby in there and bury the whole thing.”
The Spray-Tan Vending Machine. In 1949, the Star Manufacturing Company of Chicago introduced its “Vending Machine For Tanning,” which looked somewhat like a gasoline pump with a hose attached to a wand on the side. For a mere ten cents, the user could take the wand in hand for thirty seconds to spray selected body parts, no fuss, no muss. The machines quickly popped up around swimming pools, tennis courts, beaches and Donald Trump’s house, and played an important role in women’s beauty practices in the 1950s. The quick success of the devices led to an explosion of the vending machine craze and before long anything and everything could be sold from them.
Or maybe you’d like some nice Sea Shoes for those occasions when a quick walk across the lake would help you avoid all those honking cars on your way to work. And for convenience, there’s nothing like the Peel P50 Mini Car of 1962, the Guinness Book of World Records “Smallest Car Ever Produced.” It was so tiny, you could even pick it up and carry it around with you until you found a suitable resting place. No more preposterous parking fees for you!
How about a remote-controlled lawn mower, so popular in 1950s suburban life but somehow lost to the ages? Personally, we were thrilled when Goodyear came out with Illuminated Tires in 1961, a refreshing change from the boring black tires of today. If you’ve tried and failed to learn to play a musical instrument, don’t give up—there always the Theramin. You only need to touch the control panel in order to play it. True, the Theramin’s music is very unique, some say terrifying, but good enough to be used in some of the best of the old horror movies. A Radio Hat created in 1930 by a Berlin engineer allowed its wearer to “listen to the Sunday sermon while motoring or playing golf. You can even get stock market returns at the ball game or listen to the ball game at the stock market! What a product!”
Technology, then and now, always exciting. But more fun then.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
