What’s a Trump-respecting Republican to do? The kids are screaming to go to Disney World but The Mouse has riled right-wing-honky parents by ignoring Governor Ron’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill. Fox News has even branded Mickey (shudder) “woke.” Nobody really knows what that means but conservative goobers don’t like it one bit. Alas, now the wife is siding with the kids, threatening to take Dick and Jane to the Magic Kingdom while hubby plays militia man in Fargo. There’s only one good solution--- we need a Trumpy World.
The initially proposed site for the massive project, Fruitland Park in Lake County, Florida was all set until Donald got the news. “It’s FRUITland Park, for God’s sake, we can’t have that. People will tease me.” The current leader for the village is Niceville in Florida’s Redneck Panhandle. “We might have to expand the airport!” frets the mayor, “but imagine the glory, the tourists, the vast opportunities for bribe money. We’re all in!”
Just think of it, a Tragic Kingdom with six different sections. Let’s call them Adventureland, Fantasyland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland, Liberty Square and Main Street, U.S.A., each with its own unique features. Fantasyland would have its colossal duplicate White House where the kiddies could jump on the challenging Incumbency Ride with its miniature Resolute Desks. Each desk would have its own pile of possible executive orders and a stamp pad, allowing little Johnny or Daisy to perform such important tasks as ousting the Toronto Blue Jays from the American League, sending all card-carrying transvestites to a bad clown camp outside Tulsa or dropping ten thousand stink-bombs on San Francisco. There would also be a Pardon Pen in each inkwell in case anybody wanted to let Cruella de Vil, Captain Hook or Rudy Giuliani out of jail. “Damn, Daisy---this is more fun than cutting the heads off your Hillary dolls.”
Frontierland & Beyond
Just because Disney has a Pirate’s Lair, there’s no reason Trumpy World shouldn’t have their own version, a gilded duplicate of Mar a Lago where guests could imagine being Donald for a day. Everybody gets a big MAGA pirate hat which reads “Make Trumpy Rich As Croesus,” a slightly used blunderbuss and a cutlass. Flintlocks cost extra. Each day at ten a.m., the pirate galleon will leave its dock to lay siege to unsuspecting customers on the ill-fated Kamala Harris Riverboat Ride, who will be relieved of their cash, cell phones and eldest female progeny while a dashing quartet in spangles sings “The Winner Takes It All.”
All patriots visiting The Tragic Kingdom will be foaming at the mouth to visit beautiful Liberty Square, home of both the fake Liberty Bell and the faux Liberty Tree. The time setting of Liberty Square is 1776 when the infant USA declared independence from Great Britain. On each corner of the square, there will be a soapbox which jaded orators like Lindsay Graham, Steve Bannon and The Pillow Man can mount to spew their venom (fifteen minute time limit). In the center of the square there are pews with kneeling pads surrounding a giant statue of Trumpy, himself, constructed with the remains of melted down voting machines. Just outside the main square you’ll find the scary Haunted Mansion. It’s said that on crystal clear nights when the full moon is bright, the spectre of Barack Obama can be seen chasing a frantic Tucker Carlson through the attic. By the way, to maintain historical accuracy, Liberty Square intentionally has no bathrooms. In case of an emergency, please use the Trumpy statue.
On Main Street U.S.A., that great street, I just wanna say…they do things they don’t do on Broadway. This is where the kids are greeted by the long list of Trumpy cartoon characters like Marjorie Taylor Green as the Evil Queen Grimhilde who poisoned Snow White, the iconic Goofy (RFK Jr.), Dopey & The 204 Dwarfs (the GOP House members), perhaps even The Lady and the Tramp (Elon Musk and you-know-who). The boulevard leads right up to Elon’s fabulous castle where heavily-armed sentinels man the 27 turrets in case any of you get funny ideas. (Insider’s Tip: don’t tell anyone we told you this but that drawbridge over the moat can’t be pulled up like the one at Disneyland. Just sayin’.
Welcome To Adventureland
No visit to Trumpy World is complete without a visit to Adventureland. Here, guests can enjoy a fabulous Jungle Cruise, which starts on the Rio Grande River along our southern border. Each kid gets his own fishing rod and is extremely likely to net a prize catch from the amply-stocked waterway over the course of the ride. If a fisherman reels in an unsatisfactory immigrant on the first try, he is allowed to throw him back in and try again. Mexicans are worth one point, Guatemalans and Hondurans two points and the slightly rarer Venezuelans are good for three…or you can forego the points and keep your immigrant if he is a medical professional, technology genius or golf pro.
Or maybe you’d rather take Aladdin’s Magic Carpet Ride over Arabland. If you are one of those patriots who ask not what your Trumpy can do for you but what you can do for your Trumpy, you’ll enjoy soaring over remote OPEC oil depots and dumping your own personal projectile on the crude oil storage tank of your choice. Successful combatants will leap up and down with glee when they see the brilliant flames licking the walls of the devastated raghead refineries. Free Charcuterie Bento Box lunches will be provided for all bombardiers. Ride photos are twenty bucks.
It’s Almost Tomorrow
Okay, we admit it—the entrance to Tomorrowland might be a little scary, especially the dystopian landscape with pumped in sulfur fumes, the mass graves of disagreeable journalists and the large skeleton-bearing crosses of opposition leaders lining the boulevard. Alas, progress is never made without a few sacrifices.
Soon the avenue opens up to sunny fields of wildflowers filled with uniformed children waving printed signs testifying “Freedom is Slavery!” “Ignorance is Strength!” “One People, One Nation, One Leader!” All guests check in at the Proud Boys kiosk to have their papers checked and get their new ID tags. Ironically, no guns or sharp metal objects are allowed.
Visitors are sorted into groups and directed to one of several different labor areas, including Oil Rig Installation Academy, the Secret Police bastion, the Abortionist rendering plants or the Statue-Polishing Brigade sometimes called Fox News. Nobody goes to the beach. Everyone goes to the Trumpy Rodeo, where wild-eyed cowpokes on fiery horses chase down anti-government sympathizers, lasso them and tie them on the backs of irritated bulls prodded by geeked-up rodeo clowns.
An octet of blonde, barrel-racing women enters the arena, preceded by a barely-clothed woman carrying the world’s largest American flag. The women race one after another around the spaced-out barrels, faster and faster, until the horses fall from exhaustion and the women turn into butter. Then, the crowd rises as one as the magnificent Great Leader surges into the arena in a festooned orange chariot, waving madly to his public as the crowd goes berserk. It’s the new life in Trumpy World, and you are there.
Of course, nobody has to go to Tomorrowland. Nobody has to go to Trumpy World at all, Not just yet.
That’s all, folks….
