Recently, we got an email from alert reader Kathleen Knight advising us of a chicken training camp in bustling Seabeck, Washington. This was a bit of a surprise because we have been in the chicken care business in the past and the critters never once indicated a desire for higher education of any sort, even in your basic stop-and-go skills. Chickens are a flighty lot, given to foraging for food, scratching the ground searching for insects and watching Ted Lasso on TV, and are seldom seen carrying books. When you come to think of it, though, if you’re not going to set your chickens free, as avian activist Gilbert Shelton would prefer, you might as well give them a little schooling. After all, we train our dogs, we train our horses and there are even people extant who train fleas, so why not chickens?
The Terry Ryan Chicken Camp practices mechanical skills with special attention to eye-claw coordination. Lessons include “observing and recording behavior, systematic desensitization, capturing a behavior, shaping behavior and the use of targets.” Students work on discrimination tasks and train their hens to do things like avoiding obstacles. practicing hygienic egg care and not pecking the postman. No roosters allowed, since they seem to have a one-track mind. Each trainee will partner up with his or her own chicken. During class, the chicken is kept in a holding area within reach of the training table and then trotted out when the school bell rings.
Graduating camper Molly Caudell of Big Bottom, Washington has nothing but raves for her experience. “This was a bucket list adventure for me,” she said. If you can train a chicken you can train anything. I’m sure it will help me in my dog and pony training business. I particularly liked the use of valium and weighted bird-boots with the students.”
Oy Vey!
Did the Grim Reaper just pick off one of your acquaintances, perhaps an ornery guy devoid of personality, a slumlord or a person who dealt in kitten trafficking? There will not be a large gathering at the cemetery, no sad lady in black leading a solemn jazz parade, no funeral wreaths, no tears falling on moist cheeks. What to do for this character, will noone toss a single rose on the descending casket?
Apparently, someone will. For a price, the Peloponnese Professional Mourners of Southern Greece can be flown in at a moment’s notice to moan, wail, rend their garments and even swandive into the gravesite after the coffin. These moirologists are so convincing you’d think they were part of the family, long lost lovers or people the deceased owed money to.
The practice of professional mourning dates back to Egypt, China and the Middle East during ancient times when wailers were very common. They are mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments. In those days, there were strict requirements to enter the trade, an occupation only for childless women. The candidates had to be without body hair and allow the names of goddesses to be tattooed on their shoulders, evoking particular goddesses during the service. Having a large crowd of mourners was considered a status symbol and a great honor in ancient societies where crying was an art and the pulling out of hair got you a spot in the mid-season All-Star Funeral.
And Away We Go!
There are times when many of us consider the life of the Repo Man, a non-stop adventure show with thief-in-the-night chicanery, pulse-pounding car chases and the occasional hail of bullets delivered by an aggrieved victim. But on second thought, the pay is lousy and your kid’s teacher really doesn’t want to hear from you on Take Your Dad To School Day. Consider then, the high-salaried, prestigious job of Airplane Repossession Specialist. Aside from the occupation of Fine Art Thief, the ARS is top-of-the-mark for glamorous, status-enhancing employment.
Of course, there are a few challenging requirements, the first being the ability to actually fly a plane. Most people who can perform this feat already have lucrative jobs that don’t involve trying to beat sketchy airstrip security down the runway as they blast away at you with automatic weapons. Second, it’s always a good idea to have a fueling depot nearby as it’s a well-known fact that aircraft deadbeats keep the fuel tank on Empty to thwart APS personnel. Next, keep an eye out for nearby flying objects like, for instance, other planes. You haven’t filed a flight plan and nobody knows you’re there.
Finally, remember to check for contraband in case you are forced to land at a legitimate airport which doesn’t know you’re coming. Colorado Repossession Specialist Arthur Kowalski had to abandon his original landing field due to weather conditions and decided to pull into Denver International Airport, much to his chagrin. Security personnel examining the unscheduled arrival found alarming quantities of cocaine aboard and tossed Arthur in the hoosegow for two days until help arrived.
The clever ARS retriever might consider emulating the tactics of Kevin and Heather Anonymous, who posed as tourists to perform a rare midair repo. While circling the Grand Canyon, Heather made goo-goo eyes at aircraft debtor Lonnie Hutchins, giving husband Kev an opportunity to apply the cuffs and duct tape, which is not entirely legal. Lonnie was dumped at the Tusayan airport in ignominy and Mr. & Mrs. Anonymous were last seen yukking it up at the Bellagio
Sh-BOOM! (An employer’s brochure)
“Anyone considering an occupation change should seriously consider the career opportunities available in Landmine Clearance. The job is not boring, pays well and practitioners earn the grateful thanks of their communities whether or not they hang around long enough to notice.
Landmines and unexploded bombs can remain in the ground for decades after a conflict has ended. Every day, 15 people are killed or maimed by these indiscriminate weapons. Just yesterday they got little Jimmy Gomez as he maneuvered his Schwinn through the mean streets of East L.A.
MAG International finds and clears landmines, cluster munitions and unexploded bombs and returns safe land to communities. Using a combination of methods and tools to detect and destroy, including manual deminers (that”s YOU) and mine detection dogs (that was Sparky), MAG leads the pack in this exploding business field. Our fleet of specialized armored machines prepares ground for clearance, removes vegetation and other obstacles and shrieks out an earsplitting “OH, SHIT!” alarm voice when perdition is near.
MAG recruits men and women from local communities like yours. This gives people affected by landmines the opportunity to clear them as well as supporting their own families and cities. In 2020 alone, our elite force destroyed 115,627 landmines and unexploded bombs and cleared 53,948,775 square miles. That’s not soggy gingerbread. If you are thinking about the clearance business, there’s no better opportunity than MAG International. Ask about our four-day work week with special country club benefits at the oasis of your choice. Employment can be immediate and, as we like to say at MAG, you can start off your career with a bang. Call today, our operators are standing by, many of them on one leg.”
Help Wanted!
Being an endangered species can bring out the diva in a critter. Take China’s Giant Pandas, for instance. Aloof to a fault, they are even indifferent to procreation and must be encouraged by Panda Fluffers who utilize fancy feather dusters and considerable caution to help them get in the mood. Laugh if you like but the dusters make 30 grand a year.
Will Thacker and others are making a decent wage as Professional Snugglers. People who are lonely, depressed, ill or have medical issues find solace with an empathetic shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear or a nesting bedmate. A good snuggler can reel in $40 an hour with tasty bonuses for nekkid shenanigans.
You may be looking for love in all the right places, but if your public relations skills are mediocre, how do you attract high-class action on those computer dating platforms? You hire an Online Dating Ghostwriter, that’s how. ODGs know how to accent the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on the affirmative and don’t mess with Mr. Inbetween. A $200-an-hour ghostwriter can make Randall Roffe look like Gregory Peck.
If those wandering icebergs keep showing up in your marina, you’ll definitely want to hook up with a talented Iceberg Mover. Global warming has increased the incidence of runaway floes and nobody wants his weekend ruined by a blocked strait or canal, not to mention an imperiled oil rig. Icebergs are moved by incorporating a floating tow line and actually lassoing the berg. All you need is a tugboat, a heavy jacket and a giant book of crossword puzzles for the waits between jobs.
If you like to dress up like an undead person and scare all your friends, this one’s for you. In jolly old England, annual auditions are held for Zombie roles in London Dungeons. It may sound like it, but this is not a dead-end job. If you’re very scary looking and good at pursuing complete strangers through dark passageways you could work your way up in the profession to Tormentor or maybe even Jack The Ripper. A passable zombie makes $38,000 a year so imagine what Mitch McConnell would get.
Train Pushers in Japan called Oshiyas push passengers from platforms onto trains as quickly as possible until the doors close. License Plate Blockers in Iran stroll behind cars to prevent their plates from being captured by cameras. The country has a regulation whereby cars with plates ending in odd and even numbers are permitted on roads only on alternate days.
Sewer Flushers may not be invited to all the best parties but who else is going to unclog the mess brought on by the accumulation of non-biodegradable trash and congealed layers of cooking fat and oil in the pipes? Not Queen Camilla.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Not those clumsy, inefficient police…we’re talking that new breed of wily Thief Hunters who employ novel strategies and instruments for dealing with criminals. Starting salaries in the $50,000 a year neighborhood. If that sounds a little scary, how about becoming a merry Waterslide Tester or a stoic Human Statue or maybe a diligent Worm Picker? There are potential Gumologists, Electric Shock Givers and Swan Wardens in demand, some with perks like all the worms you can eat.
Want to spend the rest of your days with a well-paying position in an amusement park? Who doesn’t! Believe it or not, there are scads of jobs open for Vomit Cleaners in most of the better fairylands in the U.S. and no previous experience is required. Just grab your mop and bucket and head for the nearest Roller Coaster. You’ll have fun, fun, fun til someone takes your nose plugs away.
That’s all, folks….
