All of us have these moments. We’re sitting there watching the tide come in at East Quoddy Light or the sun set over the Arbuckle Mountains when we get a great idea. Why has nobody thought of this wonderful plan before, we ask? There are millions out there just waiting to use it, bathe in its glory, celebrate the ramifications. Then, like Zacharias, struck dumb in the Bible, we let this revelation quietly slip away like a thief in the night, and get back to our Wordle.
Someone has to take the helm here, steer the ship in a more propitious direction, and who better than The Flying Pie to sort out this business? Let’s get started with a critical bundle of information sadly lacking in the libraries of felons everywhere:
Great Idea #1---The Criminal’s Handbook
If felon Samuel Brown, 33, of San Diego, California had a copy, he would clearly have avoided his ugly and embarrassing fate. Right there in Chapter 6, Paragraph 13 is the instruction: “Do Not Rob The Same Bank Two Days In A Row.” Obvious to some of us, but not so much to others, like Samuel. The bumbling bankrobber slipped a stickup note to a teller at the Fountain Valley Chase Bank on a Monday afternoon, fleeing with what police called “a large amount of cash.” His plan worked so well, he went back the next day for more. The bank manager, a clever man, had a motto of his own; “Rob me once, shame on you; rob me twice, shame on me.” Bank security nailed Sammy without incident and police hauled him off to the hoosegow. Now while it’s true that criminals are known to always return to the scene of the crime, the second visit is recommended to be as an observer.
Meanwhile, back in Pennsylvania, two teenage brothers from Somerset, N.J. would have benefitted from the handbook’s Chapter 4, Paragraph 2: “Do Not Apply Your Hazard Lights When Disposing Of A Dead Body.” It gets you in trouble every time. Anthony Gamble, 19, and little bro Joshua, 17, were taken into custody by Pennsylvania state troopers who pulled over to check on two apparently disabled vehicles, lights blinking away like a coquette’s eyelashes. As they detained the younger teen, Anthony, wearing bloodstained clothing, made a run for it and was summarily tackled. Troopers found a dead body in nearby woods with stab wounds in the head, neck, upper chest and arms. “We didn’t want some dumbass smacking into our rides,” said Josh.
If Joseph Morgan of Philadelphia had read his handbook, he would easily have seen in Chapter 1, Paragraph 7 the bold notation, "Bring Your Child To Work Day Does Not Apply On Heists.” Unaware of the rule, Joe brought his young son along on a job which involved robbing a pet shop. A security guard nabbed the bandit but little Scotty, who was feeding the fishes, got off by cleaning the kennels.
Great Idea #2---The Stoner Olympics
This would work like the NCAA Final Four in basketball. Candidates would be nominated by the leading head shops in all 50 states and Guam, then narrowed down to an elite quartet in a series of regional smokeoffs. Nominees would be judged on presentation, quality of product, ability to stand the longest and congeniality. The Final Four grand finale would be held at Woody Harrelson’s house in Maui right after the spectacular Pot Parade with Willie Nelson as Grand Marshall.
Everyone would go. Paraphernalia merchants would erect hundreds of tents on the Harrelson estate, selling everything from bongs to Big Bambus to Bayou Blasters. Select marijuana peddlers would have sophisticated weed-tasting units where potential consumers could sample various strains of the demon weed. At night, everyone could stumble down to the theater-on-the green to watch Reefer Madness and hobnob with Cheech and Chong.
The major television networks would, of course, battle for rights to the main event, also covering the red carpet arrival of serious smoking stars like Snoop Dog, Lady Gaga, Senator Bernie Sanders and Chuck (Smell ‘em and Weep) LeMasters. When the contest is over, the confetti has fallen and the trophy raised, everyone will gather to watch the world champion pothead wave to the crowd and jog down the runway with the ultimate boast; “So long, suckers, I’m off to Disney World!” Hey, stranger things have happened.
Great Idea #3---The Head Shop Truck
Why not? They’ve got bizarre rolling lunchcarts with foods of every description, from Los Osos, California’s Greasy Wiener to the Randy Radish’s baked quiche in Virginia to The Gumbo Man’s jambalaya in Jacksonville. In Mammoth Lakes, California, neither typhoons nor blizzards nor edgy surfaces can stay the heavily-treaded Snocat vehicle of Mammoth Lakes Burritos from the swift completion of its appointed rounds. This clever monster can roll up to a storm shelter in a hurricane, dispensing lifesaving chimichangas and hot sopa. But what of deprived stoners in paraphernalia wastelands, what are they to do?
Imagine, if you can, a neon-green headshop truck rolling into downtown Pascagoula, a veritable bong desert, its speakers blasting out the Beatles, singing “Give Pot A Chance!” The citizens of DeFuniak Springs would come running from all directions to visit the smoky Keep On Puffin’ pot truck before local police could gather their wits. Paraphernalia-starved weed-eaters in Pahokee would finally have a grand selection of pipes and papers to choose from, just like folks in the Big City. It’s an idea whose time as come. Chuckie, warm up the Potmobile!
On The Griddle? Maybe, Maybe Not….
Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire, has been thinking about building the Titanic II, a $500 million replica of the original, this time really unsinkable. The ship would be 270m long, 50m high and weigh about 40,000 tons, with 840 rooms and 9 decks. This is not Palmer’s only big idea. In 2013, he opened Palmersaurus, the largest dinosaur park in the world (since closed) with more than 160 replica dinosaurs, at his Coolum resort in Queensland. Billionaires just wanna have fun.
Yuri Milner, an investment savant who made his fortune getting in early on companies like Facebook, Groupon and Zynga, thinks humanity is headed towards having a “Global Brain.” The brain would consist of all humans being connected to one another and to the machine and interacting in a unique and profound way, “thus creating an intelligence that doesn’t belong to any single human being or computer.” So much for umpires and Dear Abby.
Peter Thiel, co-founder of PayPal thought about constructing Man-Made Islands that would be free from government laws and regulations. His Seasteading Institute appealed for entrepreneurs who could work on their projects without government interference. He has since reconsidered the original idea, feeling it might be too expensive and unpredictable to have a city built in the middle of the ocean. He’s now heading for calmer waters in areas regulated by some governments.
Google’s Larry Page and Eric Schmidt have teamed up with filmmaker James Cameron to mine any asteroids which happen to be wandering close to Earth. The initial plan was to have telescopes built in order to scope out asteroids that are rich in minerals. The boys wanted a space station up and running by 2020. They’re 3 years late and fading.
Russian billionaire Dmitry Itskov is obsessed with immortality. His plan for the next step in human evolution originally called for the introduction of robots that we could control with our brains by 2020 and the ability to transplant the brain into a life support system by 2025. The mind would be able to move into a computer by 2035 and by 2045 artificial brains would control insubstantial hologram bodies. Dmitry, alas, is running a little behind schedule.
In 1992, Dutch contractor Johan Huibers had a terrifying dream that his native homeland was flooded by the North Sea. You would, too, if you lived in Holland. In response, he began construction of a life-sized replica of Noah’s Ark in 2009 that measured approximately 30 meters wide, 23 meters high and 135 meters long, equivalent to a four-story building the length of a football field. It cost him a piffling $1.6 million and was completed in 2012. Johan’s Ark now sits on the Merwede River in the Dutch town of Dordrecht, waiting for the flood. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to be ready, right?
Heroes Of The Trade
Gary Dahl, who left this mortal coil in 2015, decided one fine day that people would actually buy little rocks if you prettied them up and gave them an owner’s manual. His Pet Rock inspiration brought in millions before the craze died down. The concept was simple Dahl sold people rocks (like those you can find anywhere) in a box for a nominal price. The owners of these rocks were to treat them like pets and take care of them, which you’ll have to admit is much cheaper and less worrisome than keeping St, Bernards or fainting goats. People loved the idea and especially took to the owner’s manual which explained how to care for and train your rock. The public was not buying stones, they were buying the joke, which became a party piece, a hip novelty, a conversation-starter and a bright future for good old Gary Dahl.
How about a towable camper with a detachable boat for a roof? Or a bike path lighted from beneath by thousands of twinkly, solar-powered stones embedded in the surface, like the snappy Smart Highway in the Netherlands? Would you like a canoe that folds down to the size of a duffle bag or a table with chairs that tuck in all the way underneath the matching table? Eco Nuts is an organic laundry detergent that contains berries from the Himalayas. The owners tried to get a deal on Shark Tank, but no luck The company is now worth more than a million bucks. Hideyuki Nakayama’s glass globe doorknob refracts the scene on the other side of the door, giving you a preview of what’s going on in the next room before you turn the knob. The Luna Light is a very large globe which can be hung or placed on the floor and rolled to any desirable spot. Japan has Musical Roads with grooves cut at very specific intervals along the road surface. Depending on how far apart the grooves are and how deep they are, a car moving over them will produce a series of high or low notes, thus making a melody. How great is that? You can now listen to “Happy Trails” while you’re motoring over them.
Remember, folks, if you have any great ideas like these, send them in to AHA! MOMENT at the address below. We’ll take care of all those messy patent rights for you and send out your share of the profits on the next train to Clarksville. Thinking caps on!
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
