Where the lemonade springs and Anita Bryant sings up on Nonexistent Mountain.”
Ah yes, the Sunshine State, the land of wall-to-wall beaches and half-price margaritas, that fabled Eden of lighted shuffleboard courts and Republican communes rife with professionally decorated golf carts, the dream of many a frostbitten northerner and damaged Mafia retiree.
Would you like to swing on a star, and carry moonbeams home in a jar, or would you rather be a Floridian? The latter is an animal who lives to golf, his wardrobe’s funny and he won’t evolve; his gun is loaded but his brain’s on low, and if you rile him, well, he just might blow. Or would you rather be a duck?
Welcome to Florida, home of bail-jumpers, desperate widows and the world’s dumbest governor. If it wasn’t for warm winters, sunny skies and the Grapefruit League, we’d be extinct by now, and even then there’s that next Hurricane brewing off the coast of Mauritania. The smug Floridian is unfazed by the gathering storm. “Pour me another one, Margaret, any excuse for a party!”
Hail to the swamplands, the old forests and the prairies, where the deer and the antelope play, where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day.
It’s the rest of the place we’re worried about.
Stick ‘Em Up, Please, Mrs. Mahoney
In other states, they have famous bank-robbers like John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson, Bonny Parker and Clyde Barrow. In Florida, we’ve got Robby Snead.
Growing up, Robby was not the brightest bulb in the neighborhood. His energetic mother Ruth was clever enough, a girl who ran away to join the circus in her youth, traveled all over Europe and came home to tiny Anthony, Florida to raise thoroughbred horses. She was not exactly Ma Barker, but for some reason her sons didn’t turn out well. The least gifted of these was Robby, a juvenile delinquent of the first magnitude who spent most of his time running from the law. In and out of jail enough to be called Turnstyle Snead, Robby decided one fine day to push all his chips to the center of the table and rob a bank. Not just any bank, mind you, but the one in his neighborhood where his mother had her accounts. Maybe it was because Robby had lost his license due to some earlier shenanigans and wasn’t allowed to drive.
The day of the robbery broke sunny and clear. Robby walked the few blocks from his house to the bank, pulled a neckerchief over his face and walked up to the teller’s window. “Give me all your money!” he barked to the matronly lady on the other side, who recognized him right away, wily disguise or not.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Robby?” she kindly inquired, because that’s what concerned neighbors do in Anthony. “Yes, ma’am,” the bank robber said, so she sighed, gave him a few dollars and sent him on his way. Satisfied he had enough for a jolly weekend, Robby marched back to his house to have some lunch, soon interrupted by a polite knock on his door.
“Dang!” thought Robby, flabbergasted at the crime-solving expertise of the local police. “How do they DO that?”
Iguana Hold Your Hand
Now we Floridians are aware that our criminal element will be socially challenged, but we expect better deportment from our iguanas. Sometimes, alas, we are disappointed. Recently, a bandana-wearing iguana jumped a homeowner’s fence in Miami, assaulting the man and his wife before being chased off by a mysterious woman in medical scrubs. “Don’t they teach those iguanas about social distancing?” the victim wanted to know.
Alert journalist Arielle Castillo. who covered the story, said the incident took place near the International Links Melreese Country Club near the Miami airport. Locals fretted over whether the red bandana signified neighborhood infiltration by a new iguana street gang. Others were just glad it was wearing a face covering. Castillo thinks it was just a runaway pet which got lost and panicked. “The woman in medical scrubs yelled out in some foreign language,” she wrote. I’ll never know the details. This will torment me for life.”
An observer who wished to go unnamed shook his head in bewilderment. “It’s craziness like this that nurtures the small part of me that thinks Florida is some kind of fantasyland where everyone knows what’s going on but me. I moved here two years ago from the Midwest and every day I become more aware I’m not in Kansas anymore.”
Storm Drain News
Delray Beach police recently responded to an anxious call from alarmed citizens who had come upon a naked woman in a storm drain. “I’m not sure how she got down there,” one of the rescuers said, “but she was screaming for help and we had the car window down and heard her.” Local Fire Rescue crews were able to remove a grate from the drain, then used a ladder and harness to get her out safely.
The 43-year-old victim said she was not hurt, just a tad dirty. Storm drains will do that to you. She told officers she was swimming in a canal near her boyfriend’s housing complex when she noticed a door near the shallow part of the canal; she opened it and found a tunnel, which she followed for awhile before getting lost and wandering for weeks.
DBPD information officer Ted White said he spoke with officers at the scene and they agreed this was by far the most bizarre incident they’d ever responded to. “If we’d had any significant amount of rain while she was down there, it could have been a different story,” he said. “She told us she was down there about 20 days until she saw some light and decided to sit down in the area where she was found because she could see people walking by.”
“And I thought Army Ranger training was tough,” grinned White.
The Further Adventures Of Florida Man
“A Florida man needs no introduction,”---University of Florida slogan
After decades of Sunshine State follies duly recorded in the media and starting with, “A Florida man….” the term has become symbolic for idiocy of a high order. Florida Man seems to be a bad planner, a little cloudy on the ramifications of blowing things up, driving 120 miles an hour on a one-lane road or climbing into the polar bear cage at the zoo. No amount of common sense advice can stay these wackos from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Herewith, their latest catastrophes:
Florida Man Joshua James, 23, was arrested recently for assault with a deadly weapon after tossing a live alligator into the drive-through window at a Wendy’s in Loxahatchee. Officials with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission told WPTV that James pulled up for his order, accepted his drink cup and then threw the reptile inside. “Sorry,” said the server, Ida Mae Clarendon, We don’t take barter here.”
Florida Man Edward Archbold, 32, choked to death after eating dozens of live cockroaches in a contest to win a python. The Broward County medical examiner officially ruled his untidy demise “death by asphyxia.” Archbold collapsed and died after ingesting the nasty critters at a promotional event at a pet store in Deerfield Beach. “His airway became obstructed with arthropod body parts,” added the coroner. No other catastrophes were reported among the 30 contestants. Ben Siegel, owner of the reptile store said, “We feel terribly awful. Especially since here in Florida you can stand out in a swamp and the pythons will swarm you. They’re easy to get. I think Edward just wanted to show off a little.”
Florida Man Anthony Berden, 19, was arrested while wandering around a Cocoa area park dressed as a dinosaur and carrying an air rifle and several magazines. Florida Man Michael Blevens, 37, was cleaning his gun when it discharged, but merely dismissed the incident. An unkempt sort, as some Florida men are, Blevens only noticed the bullet hole in his arm while finally changing his shirt three days later. Florida Man Reza Baluchi washed ashore in Flagler County the other day when his gigantic red barrel-type aquaconveyance “had some complications.” Baluchi left St. Augustine earlier headed for New York but only made it 30 miles. “I wanted to show people that they can do anything they want to do,” said Baluchi. “Don’t listen to anyone, chase your dreams.” Um, Reza, could we have a word with you? Take a look over there---that’s Fort Matanzas, not the Chrysler Building. Florida Man Thomas Lane, 61, of Indialantic was charged with breach of peace and misusing 911 as well as resisting an officer without violence after making multiple threats at various locations along the Indialantic boardwalk near Melbourne Beach. When police arrived, he instructed them to refer to him as “The Saint” and bow before him or feel the wrath of his dreaded “turtle army.” Maybe he was an overenthusiastic Maryland grad.
Oh, and yeah, we have Florida Women, too. Mary Esther, 28, a Fort Walton Beach woman, was motoring along in her merry auto one day when she closed her eyes to say a little prayer. The car blew through a stop sign, zipped across an intersection and smashed into a helpless house. “I guess God wasn’t listening,” the woman grumped.
Spendthrifts Are People, Too.
Not long ago, Andrew Lippi, 59, achieved Everyman’s dream of buying a private island in the Florida Keys. The cost was a trifling 8 million dollars. A few days later, Lippi was charged with felony grand theft for swiping coffeemakers, linen and light bulbs from a Kmart in Key West. The total value of Andrew’s loot was a meager $300. “I ran out of money,” said the ex-millionaire. “All I took were a few necessities for the mansion.”
Novocaine News
After several months of investigation by Dade Police Medical Crimes Unit investigators, fake dentists Daniela Gonzalez, 37, and Victor Bernal, 44, were taken into custody without incident and charged with unlicensed activity. Gonzalez and Bernal were plying their trade out of a large bus on NW 74th Avenue in Miami-Dade. Police said the pair diagnosed and offered treatment to undercover detectives and were selling, dispensing and delivering drugs without a prescription.
“It’s all good,” said Bernal. “We have thousands of satisfied customers who will tell you we were the best dentists they ever had. We have letters of appreciation all over our walls. We didn’t charge as much as other dentists and we were very liberal with the laughing gas. And when we took out a tooth, our clients could barely feel it.”
Cut those dentists loose, Sergeant McAdoo. The proof is in the pulling.
News Of The Naked
It was a wild and wooly scene in Niceville when the police and fire departments arrived at a local home in flames. The resident, an unnamed naked man, had accidentally set his dwelling on fire after drinking 2 liters of Vodka and smoking untold amounts of marijuana while baking cookies on his indoor George Foreman grill. According to police, the grill and cookies caught fire when he left the grill unattended. When the man attempted to cover the flames with towels, the towels caught on fire. Firefighters said if he’d remained in the house much longer, the homeowner would have died of smoke inhalation. Police seized some of the remaining cookies for evidence. So did the fire department.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
