In college at Oklahoma State University, there was no grandmother to deliver me from the slings and arrows of outrageous evenings. I regularly burst into consciousness about the time my 7:30 Biological Science lab was starting and often arrived late. Fortunately, my seatmate, the lovely Betty Jo Kendrick, was there to take notes, which she shared together with a scolding.
“What time do people get up in Boston?” she wanted to know. “Well after eight,” I assured. “Our cows like to stay up for late-night TV.” Betty Jo pouted, but she liked me. Not enough to go out with me, though, because I was “a Yankee.” I told her those were fightin’ words to a Red Sox fan, but she didn’t get it.
“If you’d ever let me stay over at your house, I’d be up in time to make the coffee,” I promised. Well practiced, she’d bat her ample eyelashes and say “Bill Killeen, you’re making me blush. You just take that talk right out of here.” I was never able to talk Betty Jo into romance but soon took up with a half-Indian maiden named Rita, straight off the reservation. She had no qualms about Yankees, she was just happy to date someone who wasn’t a cowboy. Rita taught me to take all my classes in the afternoon.
In my short stint in New York City, I slept through the raucous nightly knock-down, drag-outs between the hotel girls and their johns. In Austin, I slept through thirty-degree November temperatures in my $5-a-month back-porch quarters before stumbling over to Wally Stopher’s apartment as soon as it was light. In Gainesville, I had the good sense to open the Subterranean Circus at 10 a.m. so I could watch Johnny Carson til one. And here in languid Fairfield, a good night’s sleep was never an issue until a few years ago when a wafer of melatonin and a sprig of valerian promptly solved the dilemma. Lately, though, sleeping through the night is a chore. Maybe it’s a malady which overcomes you when you approach (dare I say it?) 80 years of age. Maybe it’s merely a temporary phenomenon. Maybe I’m writing too many blog paragraphs in my head when I should be entertaining visions of sugarplums, or worrying whether the Red Sox will ever again ascend above sea level. At any rate, I’m ready for The Cure. Now I just have to find it.
Just The Facts
In a 2016 Consumer Reports study of 4,023 U.S. adults, 27% reported having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep most nights. A whopping 68%---or an estimated 164 million Americans---struggled with sleep at least once a week. And there’s no reason to think things have improved with the Orange Menace in charge. Now we’re afraid to go to sleep for fear of what he might have done overnight. Are we at war with Bahrain? Did we sell the Grand Canyon to uranium miners? Has the government built a wall around Portland? Are we out of Valium yet?
Wakefulness is a tricky critter, blessed with nine or ten lives. If you stifle him on one front, he attacks on another. You can buy the perfect pillow, reduce the light in your bedroom to zero-minus and calm your mind with meditation; wakefulness will tap you on the shoulder and advise you that your aging body no longer produces appropriate amounts of melatonin. Sorry to let you know at 4 a.m. pal, it’s all part of the job.
Americans spent an estimated $41 billion on sleep aids in 2015 and that’s expected to grow to $52 billion by this year, according to Natana Raj, an analyst for BCC Research of Wellesley, Mass. Most of them either don’t work or they present other problems. Prescription drugs which do work, are generally not meant to be taken over a long period of time. Wakefulness sufferers toss and turn, get up, walk around, lay back down and count the minutes til daybreak.
How much sleep do we need, anyway, and forget about that 8 hours balderdash? Nobody sleeps eight hours any more, except for the Senate majority. If you ask Dr. Nathaniel Watson, co-director of the University of Washington Sleep Center in Seattle, he’ll tell you this: “You need as much sleep as it takes for you to stay awake and alert the next day without caffeine.” The trouble with that is we have to give up coffee for a day to figure out the answer. Dr. Watson says it’s okay to wake up in the middle of the night as long as you go back to sleep, as if everyone had a magic potion which allowed that to happen.
Dr. Watson grumbles that most people don’t function well with less than 7 hours of sleep, so I know I’m in trouble. Less than 7 hours over time can harm your health. Continued sleep shortages contribute to depression, heart disease, lowered immunity, obesity, type 2 diabetes and even the dreaded Beer Goggles. Say What? You know—Beer Goggles—the condition which allowed men in one experiment to rate the least attractive models as the most attractive after a mere 24 hours of sleep deprivation. Obviously, all measures must be taken to curb this outrageous blight on mankind. Until then, better stay out of bars.
What Works?
No single remedy works for everyone, but start with the basics. Stick to a sleep schedule as closely as possible. Stay active during the day. Check your medications to see if you’re taking anything which compromises sleep; if so, ask your doctor for a substitute. Avoid naps (yeah, yeah, we know, just try it). Avoid or limit caffeine, especially after noon. Cut down on alcohol and don’t smoke. Avoid large meals and beverages before bed.
Advancing to more esoteric solutions, many non-sleepers have found relief with progressive muscle relaxation, biofeedback, and breathing exercises to reduce anxiety at bedtime. Practicing these techniques can help a person control breathing, heart rate, muscle tension and mood, allowing him or her to relax. Some swear by an unlikely-looking alternative called remaining passively awake, also called paradoxical intervention, a therapy for learned insomnia in which the subject gets in bed and tries to stay awake rather than expecting to fall asleep.
Although most doctors are disinclined to recommend relying on prescription sleeping pills for more than a few weeks, several medications have been approved for long-term use, including Eszopicione (Lunesta), Ramelteon (Rozerem), Zalepion (Sonata) and Zolpidem (Ambien, Edluar, Intermezzo, Zolpimist). All medicines have side effects, so prescription drugs should be a last resort as an ultimate cure. That said, lack of sleep is often a more critical issue than minor side effects of a drug.
You could also try The Military Method, outlined in a book by Sharon Ackerman. This routine was created by the United States Navy Pre-Flight School to help pilots fall asleep in 2 minutes or less. It took pilots about six weeks of practice, but it worked. Just do this:
1. Relax your entire face, including the muscles inside the mouth.
2. Drop your shoulders to release the tension and let your hands drop to the side of your body.
3. Exhale, releasing your chest.
4. Relax your legs, thighs and calves.
5. Clear your mind for 10 seconds by imagining a relaxing scene.
6. If the previous do not work, try saying the words “don’t think” over and over for 10 seconds.
You should be horizontal in no time. If not, call Foodini the Great and request hypnotism. Foodini’s magic works every time. Unfortunately, sooner or later he’ll utter a cue word and you’ll find yourself assassinating a prominent politician. Tough luck, but no cure is perfect.
Off The Beaten Path
A recent study at Japan’s University of Tsukuba found that octacosanol, a component found in wheat germ oil, rice bran oil, sugar cane and beeswax, helped lower stress levels and increased sleep in mice.
Switching the menus of breakfast and dinner might help. Foods such as bananas (filled with muscle-relaxing potassium), eggs (high in protein, a good sleep aid) and toast (a light source of carbs to regulate blood sugar) could help generate better sleep.
The Kailo patch has been a boon to sleeplessness caused by pain in some people. In a considerable minority, alas, it does nothing. The non-invasive patch interacts with the body’s electrical system; it contains nano capacitors that work as bio antennas, assisting the body in clear communication to turn down the pain volume. Reusable and lasts for years. The perfect gift at office Christmas parties if it doesn't work for you.
The Somnox Sleep Robot Cuddling Pillow looks like fun. The robot comes in pillow form and is designed to be cuddled. Apparently, this slows down the user’s breathing. The pillow also emits “soothing sounds,” rubs your neck and tells you bedtime stories. Okay we made those last two up.
Weighted blankets, customized to weigh about one-tenth their users’ bodyweight work for some. Having weight on top of us sends the brain a signal that we don’t have to be on the lookout for dangerous goblins in our environment. Sleep doctor Christopher Winters, president of Charlottesville Neurology and Sleep Medicine says “We subliminally kind of crave being weighted down.” Who knew? Weighted blankets are particularly helpful for people with restless leg syndrome since the pressure helps them stop moving.
Blue-Light-Blocking Glasses screen your eyes from the light emitted from phones and computer screens. This type of light can impede your body’s production of melatonin, a hormone that helps control your sleep cycle. If you don’t like wearing goggles to bed, try an App like Flux, which can reduce your devices' light as the night goes on.
If nothing else works, you can resort to the Ultimate Weapon, a video titled “The Political Campaign Speeches of President Donald Trump.” a tedious compendium of stultifying drivel reputed to stop a flying squirrel in mid-air. It’s the ultimate snore.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
