On his ancient television show, The Life of Riley, William Bendix was prone to bemoan a surprisingly negative development with one sentence:
“What a revoltin’ development THIS is!!!”
We know just how he felt. The Summer of 2020 will live in infamy among summers for as long as these seasons are counted. We should be playing baseball now, hiking up Yosemite’s Mist Trail, greasing our woodies for the trip to Surf City, where there’s two girls for every boy. Instead we’re masking up like the Lone Ranger, camping out in the boondocks and sending Tonto to town for supplies. Will it never end?
Not if the goobers of Trailerville have anything to say about it. See, the goobers were tossing spitwads in school during Critical Thinking class and never got the hang of it so they’re forced to let others do their thinking for them. It’s easier that way. In impolite conversation, all they have to do is reel off the latest rant by their favorite radio personality, evangelical minister or Elks Lodge icon.
These days, the boondocks intelligentsia are all aclamor about the injustice of Covid-19 facemasks, shuttered saloons and boarded-up bowling alleys. Their precious freedoms to infect others have been abridged and they’re not going to stand for it any more. Add to this sordid collection of bunglers much of the nations’ would-be immortal youth and you’ve got a deadly quorum. “We’re going out drinking,” bellows Wally Witless, 19, of Tuscaloosa, “and grandmas be damned!” The ultimate irony is that the virus has turned on these jaunty scofflaws and is presently eating them alive. Who said Karma is dead?
Roses Are Red, My Love, And Violets Are….Well….
Just when you thought all the wackos were born in the USA, here comes good old Ayatollah Tabrizian of Qom, Iran (and what do they call the highschool football team there---the Qomets?). Tabrizian, who somehow has amassed 120,000 followers on Telegram, considers Western medicine to be woefully unIslamic and has come up with his own cure for Covid-19.
“Before bedtime, drench some cotton in violet oil,” he advises, “and then apply it directly onto your anus.” Oh. Well gee, couldn’t hurt, right? Not to mention, there are unexpected added benefits. “The violet oil will also increase your brain mass and reverse cognitive diseases like Down’s Syndrome. AND you might fart bubbles!”
Gosh, Ayatollah, you had us at Covid, but thanks for the extra nudge.
If you’re not too busy, Mr. Tabrizian, could you hotfoot it over to Valencia, Spain, with some of your product? They’ve got big trouble in the river city at a local brothel where a single supertramp has directly or indirectly infected 119 people with the virus. Busy girl. It started with the woman grousing in the goodie with several of her customers on the same evening and those guests passing it on. Counting the club owners, security and cleaning staff, waiters, other fun girls, their clients and the guy who filled the candy machine, the total under quarantine soared to 119. Better make that two jugs of oil, Ayatollah.
Due To Circumstances Beyond Our Control, The Orgy Will Shelter In Place
Out of the night, when the full moon was bright, came the horseman known as ZOOM. These days you can’t walk ten feet without a ZOOM conference hitting you in the head. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. And now, apparently, so do raunchy New Yorkers.
Shay and Ray, merry mirthmakers in the Seedy Apple and proprietors of Playscape NYC, a real-life sex club, were deeply chagrined when the Coronavirus sent their plans for a 60-person orgy honoring Shay’s 27th birthday into the stumpgrinder.
“It’s always SOMETHING,” whined Ray in his best Roseanne Roseannadanna voice. But when the going gets tough, the pervs get going. Instead of canceling the festivities, Shay and Ray decided to ZOOM the thing, and it was a smashing success. People tuned in wearing their best crotchless panties, pole dancers slithered and strippers peeled. By the end of the night everyone was getting down and dirty in the non-privacy of their own homes.
“In these troubled times,” said Shay, “you have to use a little imagination, some barnyard humor and modern technology. Okay, naked people—before we say goodnight, let’s do the Time Warp again!”
How Ya Gonna Keep ‘em Down On the Farm?
It was a close call for the farm boys of South Central High School of Farina, Illinois, but they managed to sneak their farm equipment over the wire just in the nick of time. With the Covid-19 pandemic snarling in the distance, South Central’s screamingly popular Drive Your Tractor To School Day was seriously threatened. “It’s the one day a year I can drive myself to school,” said 15-year-old Brandt Hiestrand, a sophomore at SCHS. “I was worried we’d be closed down and not make it.”
Tractor Day is celebrated at many high schools in the rural Midwest at the culmination of National Future Farmers of America Week. The tradition dates back to the early 1980s and offers country boys an opportunity to show off their equipment. Maybe we should rephrase that.
“A lot of farm kids, you know, they might not have the nicest stuff, but that’s because the family has to pay for this hundred-thousand dollar machinery,” says Dennis Wollin, another sophomore and an officer in South Central’s FFA chapter. “So this is kind of the one day that we can bring it down and show it off.” Almost one-quarter of SCHS students are in FFA.
Victoria Iler, 16, prepped for the big day by learning to drive a 1940 Farmall tractor she borrowed from family friends. It was her first time at the wheel but she was quick to learn. “I thought I was going to stall the dang thing or maybe fall out, not going to lie,” she said. Alec Langley headed out on his bright green John Deere (decorated with two American flags) met up with his best friend just down the road and convoyed into town. Brandt Hiestand and his brother Alec, 14, waxed their tractor on consecutive nights, for a total of about six hours, to get ready for the big day.
The students pull into the school parking lot en masse, honking their horns and revving their engines, except for the one poor kid who broke down on the way. Everybody hops off their charges to pose for pictures and inspect the other vehicles. Victoria wins the prize for oldest tractor and Alec Langley’s flags earn him a prize for best-dressed tractor. The Hiestand brothers’ waxing efforts don’t pay off but they do win for loudest tractor.
The celebration is over all too soon. Agriculture teacher and master of ceremonies T.J. Bolin gathers everyone together to lavish praise and send the students off to class. As one, they groan in disappointment. Another Tractor Day is over and the plague is waiting down the road. At least there’s still that ride home to look forward to. If we can believe The Four Lads, memories are made of this.
Calling All Cars!
The Covid-19 toilet paper crisis may be easing at your house, but the Newport, Oregon police department still has problems and they’d like you Oregonians to help them out. “For God’s sake, STOP calling 911 looking for toilet paper!” plead the boys in blue. “It’s hard to believe we even have to ask this. You will have to survive without our assistance.” The cops did have a few ideas, though.
In the old days, they advised, seamen used rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. “We are a coastal town,” a police representative said, “we have an abundance of salt water. You can also use sea shells.” Sea shells?
For what it’s worth, a few consumers may be ahead of the Newport PD. Bidet sales are skyrocketing around the country and enterprising consumers have come up with novel ways to stem the tide. Improvised instruments such as dried corn cobs and ripped out magazine pages have been put to use. One clever fellow named Jonny Blue in Encinitas, California, has instituted a street-corner toilet-paper exchange. “When times are challenging,” Blue proffered, “the community comes together.” To wipe out the problem, no doubt.
Experienced travelers to Mexico in days of yore, the Flying Piemen have oodles of experience with TP shortages. I was telling Siobhan just this morning that many of the South-of-the-border banos (bathrooms) we visited had ripped up newspaper piled on the floor on one side of the toilet. “What did people do with it after they use it?” she wondered, realizing the stuff would quickly clog up any toilet. “They put it on the other side,” I said. A very civilized girl, she took a quick step back in horror. I don’t think she’s ever going to Mexico.
Buck Rogers Told Us This Could Happen
In case any of you out there are a little chagrined about the fate of mankind, cheer up. Neither rampaging Covid-19 droplets, ecological devastation of the planet nor the endless dumbing down of the Earth’s population will stay these humans from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Don’t believe us? Then just ask Oxford University professor Young-hae Chi, an academic at the college’s Oriental Institute. They weren’t hiring nincompoops at Oxford last time we looked.
According to Dr. Chi, extraterrestrials are currently breeding with humans to produce a superspecies which might one day save the planet from devastating climate change and possible extinction. Thank God for that, we were getting frazzled at our prospects. Alien-human hybrids could already be walking among us, according to the doc, otherwise how to explain the superhuman feats of Mighty Mouse or Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
Dr. Chi claims “It is not only scientists and theologians but also non-human species who appear to be greatly concerned about the survivability of the human race.” But why should they care, Professor? “They wouldn’t if they were from as far away as everybody suspects. But they’re not. They are near, they are next to us, we just can’t see them.” Well, most of us can’t. Our neighbor, Gary Borse, an expert in these matters, sees them all the time. “They're everywhere, like Chickenman,” says Gary, who does not ingest peyote buttons or smoke betel-nut cigarettes.
Dr. Chi insists that “Aliens are intent on producing hybrids in response to the impending demise of human civilization. There’s nothing to fear from them. If they wanted to colonize the Earth, they would have started several centuries ago. Occasionally, people ask for more evidence of my claim that aliens are abducting humans for these purposes. My answer is that abductions are reported from everywhere in the world---the UK, United States, Germany, France, Korea, etc.---with significant commonalites among all the incidents. There is a strong correlation between alien abductions and the demise of the Earth’s climate.”
In the words of the immortal hybrid, Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry, be happy!” On the assurance of the interdimensional space-traveler Winston Churchill, "There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs Of Dover." And finally, with the promise of four UFO pilots from across the pond, "Here Comes The Sun." See you in the morning.
That's all, folks....
Bill.killeen094@gmail.com
