Oh, here’s a gem. One convicted killer has been accused of beheading another in a sadistic torture slaying at a California prison. Corcoran State Prison inmate Jaime (The Doctor) Osuna removed several body parts which shall go unmentioned and one noggin from his cellmate Luis (The Patient) Romero, whom he accused of cheating at mah jongg. According to razor-sharp Assistant District Attorney Phil Esbenshade, Jaime used “a sharp metal object.”
It’s not entirely clear how much happened while Romero, 44, was still alive since earplug sales went through the roof last week at the prison canteen and nobody heard a thing. Esbenshade, wearing his best frowny-face, said “We do believe that the victim was conscious during at least a portion of the time. This is the most gruesome case that I have seen in terms of heinousness in the slaying.” A real wordsmith, that Esbenshade.
Defense attorney Melina Benninghoff, who was appointed to defend Osuna, was home sick Friday, and we don’t blame her. She did not respond to telephone or email requests to comment on her client’s behalf. And what can she possibly say? “Mr. Osuna had been using heavily altered drugs and he unfortunately mistook Mr. Romero for the monster in ‘The Alien.’ The only means he had to defend himself was a recently sharpened machete which he kept hidden in his cell for just such emergencies.” Who’s going to buy that mess?
Osuna is now charged with torture, mayhem and, just for laughs, weapons possession. Since he was already sentenced to life in prison in a state with rare death penalties, things won’t really change much for Jaime. Except, of course, he will now be shipped to a Stockton prison for inmates needing mental health care. The news article states, “though officials wouldn’t say why.” Those officials---always so mysterious.
Goat Tell It On The Mountain
Kris Hedstrom of Odessa, Florida is ticked off and we don’t blame her. Hedstrom paid neighbor Heather Dayner $900 for five Nigerian Dwarf Goats in December and took Bella, Gigi, Rosie, Zelda and Margoat home with her. The buyer was under the impression that the goats could be registered with the American Dairy Goat Association, the national overseers of goat pedigrees. Registered goats naturally have higher value than lowbrow mutt goats.
Dayner allegedly told Hedstrom that the father goat of the five, the illustrious Country Caprese Ace, was registered with the ADGA. The Association, however, rejected Hedstrom’s application to register the babies because Dayner was not an active member. To prove paternity, Kris would need about 40 hair follicles from the father for a DNA test, thus wrote a letter to Heather requesting the follicles. Dayner said nope and offered a refund.
Hedstrom was miffed, having spent a small fortune to rid her newly-purchased goats of lice and worms. “I had to use FIVE different medications,” she complained. “I’m in for WAY over a grand.”
Dayner said Hedstrom had called police on her for three months straight, has trespassed on her farm and tried to get Heather’s goats to join a union called the Caprine Workers of America to get better hay and crackers. When Dayner threw Hedstrom off her farm at the end of May, the latter filed a civil lawsuit asking for a full refund, plus court costs, lawyer fees or DNA evidence to prove the goats’ lineage. “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it any more,” railed Hedstrom.
“YOU? How about US?” complained Margoat. “We don’t know whether we’re coming or goating. It’s bad enough We’re Number 1 on the menu down at Bubba’s and that all our milk is taken with no reparations. Goat lives matter! Let’s have a little civility here!”
Dayner, who plans to represent herself in court, was unapologetic. “I’ve had goats for many, many years and have never been exposed to this degree of atrocious behavior. First it was the trespassing, then the union organizing and finally the cops. I’m so frustrated it makes me want to get out of goats and into the ostrich business!”
”Don’t let the gate hit you on the way out!” bleats Zelda. The ostriches were noncommittal, having their heads in the sand. Metaphorically, of course.
In Sydney, Australia---which we never thought was that kind of place---two men snuck into a bedroom in the dead of night armed with machetes, the better to carry out their employer’s sexual fantasy. The latter dreamed of being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom. Everything was going swimmingly until the pair of intruders discovered they were in the wrong house. Oops.
Recognizing their tiny error, the men made their apologies and swiftly left the startled victim’s bedside. One of them, Terrence Leroy, was apprehended and charged with entering a home and intending to intimidate while armed with an offensive weapon. When he was arraigned in a New South Wales district court, Judge Sean Grant was rather bemused.
“The facts of the case are unusual,” he allowed, in a masterpiece of understatement. “The fantasy was unscripted and there was discretion as to how it would be carried out. Apparently, the employer wanted a broom handle to be rubbed around his underwear for some reason. The perpetrators carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in that fantasy. Certainly not a barrel of laughs for the neighbor to endure. Nonetheless, not guilty. I’m sure neither of these boys will do it again.”
Who’s to say, your honor? And what about the lady who wants to be seduced by Jabba The Hutt?
The Circle Game
In the early hours of Sunday, May 31, senior officers aboard the oil tanker Willowy were called to the bridge to help solve a little problem. Seems their ship---and four others in it vicinity---had started sailing around in circles, unable to steer and on course to converge. Unfortunately for all concerned, this sort of business was not covered in their ships’ manuals. Oh-oh.
Surprisingly, ships appearing to sail in circles is becoming an increasingly common and mysterious phenomenon near a number of ports on the coast of China, especially near oil terminals and government facilities. Researchers monitoring these bizarre circles believe they are probably the result of systematic GPS manipulation designed to undermine a tracking system which all commercial ships are required to use under international law. But the Willowy was obviously nowhere near China, sailing in the South Atlantic Ocean west of Cape Town, South Africa.
The immediate presumption was that strong currents were pushing the vessels around. Alas, there were no such currents to be found in the area. The fun started when a Liberian-tagged crude oil tanker suddenly swung starboard and began actually sailing in circles. The ship was unable to steer and the crew reported that four other vessels in its vicinity were caught in a similar spiral, slowly converging on each other for some unknown reason. Great. Where is Popeye when you really need him?
The crew aboard the Willowy were aware of the Chinese conundrum and also suggestions that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard used GPS jamming to dupe commercial vessels into entering Iranian waters, but they were a long way from previous areas of suspicious activity.
Fortunately for all, the European Space Agency detected something else. The Earth’s magnetic field, which has lost 10% of its strength over the last two centuries, is growing particularly weak in a large region stretching from Africa to South America, impacting satellites and spacecraft.
Known as the South Atlantic Anomaly, the field strength in this area has rapidly shrunk over the past 50 years just as the area itself has grown and moved westward. Over the past 5 years, a second center of minimum intensity has developed southwest of Africa very near where the Willowy was sailing. There is speculation regarding this weakening that the Earth is heading for a pole reversal, in which the north and south magnetic poles flip over the course of a couple of centuries.
Fortunately for the Willowy, it has been centuries since magnetic compasses completely governed maritime navigation. Modern ships use an instrument called a gyrocompass instead, which finds true north as determined by gravity and the axis of the Earth’s rotation rather than magnetic north. The gyrocompass is used alongside the ship’s other systems to identify the vessel’s course and steer it. If it was to fail, it could cause exactly the issues which the Willowy was experiencing.
Fine, but what about those other ships in the vicinity seeming to converge? A spokesman for the ship’s company told Sky News “The initial presumptive cause of circling was considered to be strong currents, which caused the crew to perceive the other ships were circling, too,”
This never used to happen when Captain Ahab was in charge. We’re staying out of the South Atlantic. First it’s the Bermuda Triangle, now this. It’s enough to make a pirate get a day job.
Say No To Penguin Dung
In Subterranean Circus days, some of our best-selling items were Whippets, small nitrous oxide canisters which produced a merry high with few side effects. Bo Diddley’s expansive family bought hundreds while Bo grumped in his Cadillac in the parking lot. The cost of these N2O packages was not inconsiderable, forcing nitrous addicts onto street corners with little signs reading “Will work for Whippets.” As it turns out, all they really needed was a penguin.
Professor Bo Elberling, who knows about these things, says “The truly intense amount of nitrous oxide found in penguin poop is enough to send someone completely cuckoo. It is truly intense---nitrous is 300 times more polluting than CO2. After nosing around in the guano for several hours, one goes completely wacky, begins to feel ill and gets a headache.” Professor Bo does not tell us just why someone may be nosing around in the stuff for hours, so it’s anyone’s guess. The nitrogen in the nitrous exhumed from penguin doody comes from the birds’ diet of fish and krill, which themselves feed on phytoplankton in the ocean. When these are excreted, soil bacteria convert the dung into nitrous, a greenhouse gas. All of which explains why, when some people go to the zoo, they head for the penguin house first.
“Bo Didley bought me a diamond ring,
And if that diamond ring don’t shine,
He bought me some Whippets and I’m feelin’ fine.”
Leech Porn
Nobody likes leeches, especially one elderly man in Cambodia. Like many of us old fools, this fellow jumped into a pond naked to cool off. Unbeknownst to him, a blood-sucking invertebrate quickly spotted his vulnerable parts and slithered up his penis. That night, the skinny-dipper suffered severe pain and made a bee-line for the local emergency room at a hospital near Phnom Penh, hopping up and down.
Medics at the hospital used a tiny camera and discovered the nasty leech had made its way up his urethra and into his bladder, where it was happily chowing down and singing Cambodian folk songs. Scans showed the parasite had already wounded parts of the man’s internal organs with its teeth. YUCK-O!!
The medics quickly rushed down to their special effects cellar and retrieved a deadly Bipolar Resectoscope, the bane of organ-eating annelids, and sent the invader to leech heaven. By then, the critter had swollen drastically in size after glomming more than 500ml of blood from its unhappy victim.
“Next time I use a condom!” said the ouchy swimmer. “Either that or leave my penis at home!”
“The facts of the case are unusual,” he allowed, in a masterpiece of understatement. “The fantasy was unscripted and there was discretion as to how it would be carried out. Apparently, the employer wanted a broom handle to be rubbed around his underwear for some reason. The perpetrators carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in that fantasy. Certainly not a barrel of laughs for the neighbor to endure. Nonetheless, not guilty. I’m sure neither of these boys will do it again.”
Who’s to say, your honor? And what about the lady who wants to be seduced by Jabba The Hutt?
 |
| HIDE!!! The South Atlantic Anomaly is coming to get you. |
In the early hours of Sunday, May 31, senior officers aboard the oil tanker Willowy were called to the bridge to help solve a little problem. Seems their ship---and four others in it vicinity---had started sailing around in circles, unable to steer and on course to converge. Unfortunately for all concerned, this sort of business was not covered in their ships’ manuals. Oh-oh.
Surprisingly, ships appearing to sail in circles is becoming an increasingly common and mysterious phenomenon near a number of ports on the coast of China, especially near oil terminals and government facilities. Researchers monitoring these bizarre circles believe they are probably the result of systematic GPS manipulation designed to undermine a tracking system which all commercial ships are required to use under international law. But the Willowy was obviously nowhere near China, sailing in the South Atlantic Ocean west of Cape Town, South Africa.
The immediate presumption was that strong currents were pushing the vessels around. Alas, there were no such currents to be found in the area. The fun started when a Liberian-tagged crude oil tanker suddenly swung starboard and began actually sailing in circles. The ship was unable to steer and the crew reported that four other vessels in its vicinity were caught in a similar spiral, slowly converging on each other for some unknown reason. Great. Where is Popeye when you really need him?
The crew aboard the Willowy were aware of the Chinese conundrum and also suggestions that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard used GPS jamming to dupe commercial vessels into entering Iranian waters, but they were a long way from previous areas of suspicious activity.
Fortunately for all, the European Space Agency detected something else. The Earth’s magnetic field, which has lost 10% of its strength over the last two centuries, is growing particularly weak in a large region stretching from Africa to South America, impacting satellites and spacecraft.
Known as the South Atlantic Anomaly, the field strength in this area has rapidly shrunk over the past 50 years just as the area itself has grown and moved westward. Over the past 5 years, a second center of minimum intensity has developed southwest of Africa very near where the Willowy was sailing. There is speculation regarding this weakening that the Earth is heading for a pole reversal, in which the north and south magnetic poles flip over the course of a couple of centuries.
Fortunately for the Willowy, it has been centuries since magnetic compasses completely governed maritime navigation. Modern ships use an instrument called a gyrocompass instead, which finds true north as determined by gravity and the axis of the Earth’s rotation rather than magnetic north. The gyrocompass is used alongside the ship’s other systems to identify the vessel’s course and steer it. If it was to fail, it could cause exactly the issues which the Willowy was experiencing.
Fine, but what about those other ships in the vicinity seeming to converge? A spokesman for the ship’s company told Sky News “The initial presumptive cause of circling was considered to be strong currents, which caused the crew to perceive the other ships were circling, too,”
This never used to happen when Captain Ahab was in charge. We’re staying out of the South Atlantic. First it’s the Bermuda Triangle, now this. It’s enough to make a pirate get a day job.
Say No To Penguin Dung
In Subterranean Circus days, some of our best-selling items were Whippets, small nitrous oxide canisters which produced a merry high with few side effects. Bo Diddley’s expansive family bought hundreds while Bo grumped in his Cadillac in the parking lot. The cost of these N2O packages was not inconsiderable, forcing nitrous addicts onto street corners with little signs reading “Will work for Whippets.” As it turns out, all they really needed was a penguin.
Professor Bo Elberling, who knows about these things, says “The truly intense amount of nitrous oxide found in penguin poop is enough to send someone completely cuckoo. It is truly intense---nitrous is 300 times more polluting than CO2. After nosing around in the guano for several hours, one goes completely wacky, begins to feel ill and gets a headache.” Professor Bo does not tell us just why someone may be nosing around in the stuff for hours, so it’s anyone’s guess. The nitrogen in the nitrous exhumed from penguin doody comes from the birds’ diet of fish and krill, which themselves feed on phytoplankton in the ocean. When these are excreted, soil bacteria convert the dung into nitrous, a greenhouse gas. All of which explains why, when some people go to the zoo, they head for the penguin house first.
“Bo Didley bought me a diamond ring,
And if that diamond ring don’t shine,
He bought me some Whippets and I’m feelin’ fine.”
Leech Porn
Nobody likes leeches, especially one elderly man in Cambodia. Like many of us old fools, this fellow jumped into a pond naked to cool off. Unbeknownst to him, a blood-sucking invertebrate quickly spotted his vulnerable parts and slithered up his penis. That night, the skinny-dipper suffered severe pain and made a bee-line for the local emergency room at a hospital near Phnom Penh, hopping up and down.
Medics at the hospital used a tiny camera and discovered the nasty leech had made its way up his urethra and into his bladder, where it was happily chowing down and singing Cambodian folk songs. Scans showed the parasite had already wounded parts of the man’s internal organs with its teeth. YUCK-O!!
The medics quickly rushed down to their special effects cellar and retrieved a deadly Bipolar Resectoscope, the bane of organ-eating annelids, and sent the invader to leech heaven. By then, the critter had swollen drastically in size after glomming more than 500ml of blood from its unhappy victim.
“Next time I use a condom!” said the ouchy swimmer. “Either that or leave my penis at home!”
That’s all, folks….
