February teeters on the brink. Impatient March, festooned in riotous azaleas, dogwoods and redbuds, paces in Spring’s anteroom. Northerners, long buried under the ivory impudence of Winter, peek at hopeful calendars and note that Spring training is in bloom. Where have you gone, Mookie Betts, the nation lifts its frosty eyes to you?
If the Vernal Equinox is almost here, it must be time to flesh out our Summer vacation plans. Those cottages are filling up in Coeur d’Alene and Estes Park, the campgrounds sold out at Yellowstone. It’s altogether appropriate then that The Flying Pie lends a hand to would-be travelers, particularly those who subscribe to Idahoan Mike Hatcherson’s mantra, West Is Best! (Mike repeats this self-encouragement each morning after three cups of coffee as he stumbles out through the snow to his frostbitten mailbox.)
There is no end to the wonders of the wooly West, no shortage of Summer escapes, from the mountains to the prairies to the ocean white with foam. Throw a dart at your mapboard and you’re bound to hit one jackpot or another, it’s all good. Some destinations, of course, are superior to others and we’re going to suggest a few of the less obvious alternatives for nuevos viajeros. If you appreciate this advice and have a good time, our t-shirt size is L.
The Serene Six
1. Monument Valley. This is Navajo Country, straddling the Utah-Arizona line at 5564 feet above sea level about one hundred miles from the celebrated Four Corners area where Utah, Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico meet and greet. You might have seen it in one or another of the million old western movies of your youth. Whatever you have heard about the place, the description is inadequate. From your balcony at The View hotel—and you will stay at The View—you look out on an incomparable painting, a slowly morphing picture of rare colors, of setting sun illuminating the imposing monuments, of thunderstorms approaching and retreating, of lightning transforming the firmament.
We at The Flying Pie are not overly disposed to “spiritual” places, many of which are large disappointments. Monument Valley is a decidedly spiritual place. Only a calloused dullard would not feel the vibe here. It’s holy ground with residence offered to a mere handful of old Navajo families who lead primitive lives. The natives zip around the property riding horses bareback. There is no such thing as a paved road. Visitors are allowed near Indian housing only in the company of a Navajo.
There are no amusement parks attendant so leave the kiddies at home, but bring the camera. A dunderhead could collect gallery-worthy photographs since the landscape does all the work. Monument Valley is a one or two-day stop. Just two hours down the road outside Page, Arizona is the smooth-skinned twisty delight called Antelope Canyon. You’ve seen the pictures, now take your own. Your friends will be deceived into thinking you’re an artist.
2. Hoh Rain Forest is located on the Olympic Peninsula in western Washington state, a hop, skip and jump from the Pacific Ocean. Supposedly, it rains every day here, though not on the morning we visited. Precipitation totals from 140 to 170 inches a year, so lush is the operative word in the Hoh. The Western Hemlock trees grow a stunning 300 feet high and measure seven feet around and the color of the day is neon green. All very nice, but not enough to hit the highlight reel, except for one thing. Almost as soon as I stepped into the place, I had a unique feeling of belonging there…as if I’d left and finally returned, a sense of wellbeing unequaled in any place I had never been before. I was home, somehow, and it didn’t make any sense.
2. Hoh Rain Forest is located on the Olympic Peninsula in western Washington state, a hop, skip and jump from the Pacific Ocean. Supposedly, it rains every day here, though not on the morning we visited. Precipitation totals from 140 to 170 inches a year, so lush is the operative word in the Hoh. The Western Hemlock trees grow a stunning 300 feet high and measure seven feet around and the color of the day is neon green. All very nice, but not enough to hit the highlight reel, except for one thing. Almost as soon as I stepped into the place, I had a unique feeling of belonging there…as if I’d left and finally returned, a sense of wellbeing unequaled in any place I had never been before. I was home, somehow, and it didn’t make any sense.
Siobhan, who liked the place very much, had no such impression. It would have been really spooky if she fell under the same spell. Perhaps I’m the solo person to feel this way, but maybe you’ll be another. If not, hike the wonders of nearby Hurricane Ridge, which has snow on the ground even in July. Or drop in on Marty Jourard in Seattle. He’ll be glad to show you every show bar in town.
3. Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park links RMNP bedroom community Estes Park and Grand Lake to the west, winding past countless 12,000-foot peaks, high-alpine tundra and several spectacular overlooks. The road crosses the Continental Divide at a spiffy 12,183 feet. It can take as long as four hours to navigate on a busy day but Siobhan and I made the return trip from Grand Lake in 90 minutes one night on an empty road. A few bravehearts opt for bicycles but if one of them is you, bundle up. The old hippie town of Nederland is near Estes Park, so stop and replenish your pot larder.
4. Going To The Sun Road in Glacier National Park is fairly well known but Glacier continues to be underappreciated and less attended than many of the national parks because of its remote location near the Canadian border. The Sun Road, which rises from Apgar to 6600 feet at the continental divide at Logan Pass, winds through some of the most beautiful scenery in the United States, eventually descending past brilliant blue lakes to St. Mary’s and the grand historic Many Glaciers Hotel. Very near the hotel is the trailhead of the Grinnell Glacier Trail, which sidles past and then overlooks Swiftcurrent Lake, climbing 1600 feet and passing under a significant (and soaking) waterfall on its way to what’s left of the glacier. Total distance: 11.4 challenging miles. Reward: you get to throw snowballs at everyone.
4. Going To The Sun Road in Glacier National Park is fairly well known but Glacier continues to be underappreciated and less attended than many of the national parks because of its remote location near the Canadian border. The Sun Road, which rises from Apgar to 6600 feet at the continental divide at Logan Pass, winds through some of the most beautiful scenery in the United States, eventually descending past brilliant blue lakes to St. Mary’s and the grand historic Many Glaciers Hotel. Very near the hotel is the trailhead of the Grinnell Glacier Trail, which sidles past and then overlooks Swiftcurrent Lake, climbing 1600 feet and passing under a significant (and soaking) waterfall on its way to what’s left of the glacier. Total distance: 11.4 challenging miles. Reward: you get to throw snowballs at everyone.
5. Canyonlands National Park, a vast and imposing delicacy of deep canyons, towering mesas, pinnacles, cliffs and spires stretches out across 527 square miles of Utah terrain just outside the town of Moab. You'll hardly be alone, especially at the park's signature Mesa Arch, but neither will you have fellow hikers climbing up your back on the great array of scenic trails. One of the park's most seductive assets is its sheer peacefulness, the calm it provides, as if it could be a thousand miles from anywhere. On a good day, the horizon is almost 100 miles in the distance. Nearby, at the Moab city limits, is Arches National Park, a smaller and busier alternative featuring colossal balanced rocks, massive fins and....well....arches. The park literature claims there are 2000 of them and that could be right. We gave up counting at 1624.
6. The Arizona/Utah State Line. First, fly into Vegas, watch a show and donate your small share to the casino of your choice. Then head for Zion National Park, a mere two hours up the road. Ideally, you might waterhike the 16 miles of the Zion Narrows, the northern fork of the Virgin River which runs through a giant canyon with 1000-foot walls sometimes as close as 18 feet apart. At worst, you should visit the terminus of the Narrows route and travel upstream as far as you're inclined before turning back. Zion has a famous--and scary--hike to Angel's Landing and an easier but worthwhile trail to the Emerald Pools. A mere 155 miles east of Zion is Bryce Canyon National Park, renowned for its rare crimson/orange hoodoos, spire-shaped rock formations unique to this park. Heeding the advice of our hosts, we got up at five o'clock in the morning to photograph these things at dawn. The photos were fine, the postcards are much better.
East of Bryce Canyon is the enormous Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument. This place covered 1,880,461 acres (eclipsing the state of Delaware) until its size was reduced in 2017 by President Bozo the Clown, but it's still pretty big. If you're looking for dinosaur fossils, and we know you are, this might be the place. Just since the year 2000, numerous dino fossils over 75 million years old have been found at GSE. In 2002, a volunteer discovered a 75-million-year-old dinosaur near the Arizona border. His name is Gryposaurus monumentensis but the locals call him Bruce.
To the East and South is the Glen Canyon National Recreation Area, which encompasses the territory around Lake Powell and lower Cataract Canyon. Further east is the earlier mentioned Monument Valley; to the south is Antelope Canyon and the famous Horseshoe Bend. If you want to get a little more frisky, the North Rim of the Grand Canyon is only 123 miles from Page, Arizona. Whew! Had enough? If not, there's always the famous Four Corners Monument, a bump in the road celebrating the juncture of Utah, Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico. We wouldn't bother. There's nothing there. Not even a Dairy Queen.
Tips For Your Trips
The Bright Angel Trail is the most traveled pathway in the Grand Canyon, not unduly steep and fairly wide, as trails go, but the South Kaibab Trail is the most scenic in the park.
There are few spiffy places to stay near Crater Lake. See it on your way to someplace else, like the lovely Oregon Coast or the Columbia River Gorge, starring the splendiferous Multnomah Falls.
If money is an issue, skip the Red Bus Tour at Glacier N.P. and take the free shuttle, which goes everywhere and stops often. If you plan on staying on the St. Mary's side of the park, make sure you have reservations well in advance so you don't end up in a biker motel in Babb, Montana, like us.
Hotels are expensive and often not available close to the Grand Canyon. A good, inexpensive alternative just an hour down the road is the town of Williams, Arizona. They even have a nightly gunfight in the street for the kiddies. We don't think the bullets are real. If you stay in Williams, it's also a short hop to Sedona, where you can get your palm read and go on the Vortex Tour, which could change your life. Laugh if you want but my sister Kathy did this and a few months letter got an all-expenses-paid trip to the Super Bowl.
If you go to Glacier, stay in Kalispell and visit Whitefish, rather than vice-versa. You'll save a fortune. If possible, schedule your visit to correspond with the Summer art festival in Big Fork, a corker. If you like hot springs, there's a mess of 'em in the city of the same name (Hot Springs) on the shores of Flathead Lake. Siobhan, a notorious bacteriaphobe and hot springs cynic would advise you to avoid Wild Horse Hot Springs, but hey, six dollars (seven with a towel) is a major bargain for a long dip. Siobhan, did you ever hear of antibiotics?
Wait until July to visit Glacier or Yellowstone. They've barely got the Going To The Sun Road shoveled off by mid-June. Our friends, Sharon and John Cinney, went to Yellowstone in June and the place was covered with snow. Sharon said it was beautiful but she's just putting lipstick on the pig. Snow is a major impediment to driving, hiking and, most of all, being warm. Go to Yosemite instead.
Oh, and one final tip. Never buy LSD from an unlicensed dealer.
That's all, folks....
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
