If you were smart enough, you went to college. If not, you went to work or joined the Army. Otherwise, you were a bum and not to be tolerated. There were very few bums. When you got married, it was for good. Divorces were disgraceful and disallowed by the Church. You raised your children to be solid citizens and aging parents were cared for at home. You drove significant distances to visit your relatives. You would be better off biting the head off a snake than hitting a girl.
Then, in the sixties, the world exploded. JFK, the invincible man, was assassinated. Friends, fearful of being sent to The War, fled to Canada. Thousands of perfectly sane kids ran away to San Francisco just for the hell of it. People got divorces and stopped going to church. Old folks were put in nursing homes. Sometimes, the Yankees did not win the pennant. People began taking a drug which made them think they could fly. Bad poets who couldn’t sing created a new version of music.
This is not intended to elevate the earlier times or to disparage the recent ones, only to stand in awe of the tumult and wonder what’s next. There seems to be no limitation to the possibilities. Students can now get a college degree without leaving their homes. Untutored photographers are taking brilliant pictures with tiny telephones. Bold entrepreneurs are signing up customers to fly into space. American sports fans have actually been seen attending professional soccer matches. And there are no music or book stores in the malls. Hell, pretty soon there may be no malls. Okay now, that’s progress.
The Caterpillar That Roared
“Like diamonds, plastics are forever.”---The New York Times
“Not so fast, my friends!”---W.T. Killeen
The first global analysis of the production, use and fate of all plastics ever made was published in July 2017. It showed that by 2015, humans generated 8.3 billion metric tons of plastics, of which 6.3 billion tons had already become waste. Only 9% of the waste was recycled, 12% was incinerated and 79% accumulated in landfills or the natural environment. The stuff was everywhere, littering the roadsides, contaminating the oceans, killing off wildlife and there was no end to it. Some municipalities, including Gainesville, legislated the end of plastic bags, but such cities were far too few since much of the citizenry was distressed over what else they could use to line their trash cans.
To the rescue comes Spanish apiary afficionado Federica Bertocchini, who discovered waxworms in her beehives and dispatched them to a plastic shopping bag. When she checked the bag later, it was riddled with holes. Hmmn, thought Federica, who immediately started bouncing around, singing “This Could Be The Start Of Something Big.”
Researchers gave 100 of the the worms their very own plastic bag to see what would happen. Within 40 minutes, the critters had chewed sizable holes in the thing. After 12 hours, they reduced a single bag by 92 mg, about the weight of a typical shopping bag. “We are planning to implement this finding into a viable way to get rid of plastic waste, working toward a solution to save our oceans, rivers and all the environment from the unavoidable consequences of plastic accumulation,” Bertocchini said.
So now, after you finish your shopping, you’ll have to stop by The Worm Store. It’s the civically responsible thing to do.
Maybe The Nuns Were Right
As if being in Turkmenistan isn’t bad enough, the place is also home to a cute spot called the Door to Hell. Just in case you think they’re exaggerating, the DTH is a 230-foot-wide crater in the middle of the desert near the woebegone village of Deweze. In 1971, a team of Soviet scientists set up a drilling platform there in hopes of finding natural gas reserves. The rig collapsed and the clever researchers, fearing the spread of poisonous methane gas, decided to set the crater on fire. No sweat, it will burn out in a few hours. Or not. 48 years later, it’s still flaming away. Good news, though. Deweze now has a booming tourist trade. People want to check out where they may be headed.
All of us who think Canada is a nice, civilized place to live are mildly disturbed to learn that another human foot has been discovered along a shoreline in British Columbia. Oh, and it’s the FIFTEENTH one in the last twelve years. The latest was recently found in a shoe in West Vancouver, size 9.5, light grey Nike. Authorities say there’s no cause for alarm, though. Coroners service spokesman Andy Watson testified “These feet are not linked to any sort of suspicious activity. I want to make sure people are aware this isn’t a cause for panic.” Well, thanks for clearing that up, Andy. But we were just wondering---is there some kind of leper colony nearby?
Apparently, this sort of thing is somewhat customary in the Pacific Northwest. Several other human feet have been discovered in a nearby region of Washington state in recent years. Encouragingly, coastal police in Oregon have reported no such outrages in their neck of the woods.
Meanwhile, in Houston, a couple of potheads just looking for a nice spot to toke some weed got a big surprise. After a few puffs, they heard a strange noise in the abandoned house they were visiting and decided to investigate. “We were a little high,” testified stoner #1, “but not THAT bad. When we went into the next room, there was a big goddamn TIGER in there!” Police said the animal was well-fed and in good shape but closed up in “a rinkydink cage that could easily bust open. It was secured with a nylon strap and a screwdriver. These dopers were lucky.” And he’s not just blowing smoke.
If you’ve become annoyed by the upsurge in “service” animals and their recent explosion onto trains, planes and automobiles, consider the story of Wally the alligator, the adopted pet of Pennsylvanian Joe Henney. Poor old Joe was struggling with depression when Wally came into his life and now eschews prescription medication in favor of a snuggle from his reptile. “My doctor says whatever works for me,” says Joe. Henney avers that his pet favors chicken wings and likes lounging in an indoor plastic pool with a second gator named Scrappy when he isn’t working. “He’s a big teddy bear and likes to give hugs. I take him to the senior center and minor-league baseball games.” The big teddy bear turns four this year and could someday reach a length of 16 feet. People sitting near Joe at the ballpark could someday be singing Take Me Out Of The Ball Game.
Boy, Look At Frosty Go!
It snows a lot in Kentucky, reducing outside activities to a trickle. Flush with cabin fever, Cody Lutz and his visiting fiance decided to build a massive 9-foot snowman around a giant tree stump in the Lutz front yard. The finished product, tricked out with an enormous top hat, was awesome.
“Everyone driving by loved him” said Cody. “People would drive by, then rush home to get their kids and come back. Everyone blew their horns at the big guy. We were thrilled.”
But you know how it is. There’s always that 10%. Apparently, some young goobers were affronted by the giant Frosty in their neighborhood and decided to off him. They jumped in their extra-large pickup truck and made a bee-line for the abominable snowman, laughing all the way, like in the song. KA-BOOOM! goes the truck. “I beg your pardon,” says Frosty.
“The crash left the tree stump exposed,” giggled Cody, “and it now has a snowy imprint of a bumper stuck to it. Frosty is handing out life lessons.” Still standing and smiling, the super-snowman had the last laugh. Sic semper stulti. That means as always with idiots.
Burger King Blues
Curtis Brooner had a problem. He couldn’t get out of the Burger King bathroom in Portland, Oregon. No fool Curtis, he used his cell phone to alert BK workers to his plight. Unfortunately for him, the Burger King training school forgot to include Bathroom Extraction in its course of classes. The workers responded by shoving a fly-swatter under the door, directing Brooner to use it to unjam the lock. Curtis could swear he heard hysterical laughter outside the door. The fly-swatter trick didn’t work and the sad prisoner was trapped for over an hour before a locksmith came to the rescue. “It’s not the kind of bathroom you want to hang around in, if you know what I mean,” said Curtis. It’s the kind of place you want to get out of as fast as you can.”
Brooner described himself as too shaken to immediately leave the restaurant, as you can well imagine. Trapped in the shitter can lead to a lifetime of psychological repercussions, according to leading therapists. Curtis was given a bandage and some ointment for wounds sustained in the incident. The manager apologized and offered him free meals for life. The verbal agreement remained in play for a mere 13 days but came to a screeching halt when the Burger King district manager nixed the deal. Naturally, Brooner, 50, is suing for $9,026, the estimated cost of one $7.89 Whopper meal a week for the next 22 years. After all, Burger King always tells us to “Have it your way.”
Girls Just Want To Have Fun
Two nuns who worked for decades at a Catholic school in California were not entirely enthralled with leading the Christian life. Sister Mary Margaret, the school’s principal and Sister Lana Chang, an eighth-grade teacher, decided to have a look at the high life of Las Vegas, embezzling a “substantial” amount of cashola from tuition and other funds at Saint James Catholic School in Torrance. Living in Torrance will do that to you. The archdiocese notified police but church officials don’t plan to press charges since the nuns’ order, the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet, has promised to somehow pay back all of the estimated $500,000. That’s a lot of bake sales. You’d think the girls would have hit at least one jackpot….you know, with God on their side and all.
An unnamed substitute teacher in New Jersey has some nerve. In a fit of honesty, she revealed to her students at Cedar Hill School in Montville that there was no Santa Claus. Adding insult to injury, she further advised that reindeer can’t fly, that elves are not real and that Elf on the Shelf is just a doll that duplicitous parents move around when you’re not looking. Sipping on a suspicious beverage, she saw no reason to stop there, denigrating the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and even poor old Harry Potter. Is there no decency left in this woman? She even assured the kids there was no Magic. Now just a minute—we know that’s a big falsehood. They’re playing just down the road in Orlando.
Principal Michael Raj claimed that once he became aware of this dreadful situation he had words with the lady. Well, DUH! Are words enough to soothe the battered dreams of tiny children? Will words put the wings back on reindeer, regenerate the free-spending Tooth Fairy, rehabilitate the Easter Bunny? And what about the damn elves? Words, indeed! Why this outrage is enough to bring back the stocks, to resort to lashings at the pole, to reconsider death by the noose.
Montville Schools Superintendent Rene Rovtar wrote that she was “troubled and disheartened” by the incident. Easy for her to say. What about poor little Jennie May Tinytot, blubbering in her bed, clutching what could be her last doll? If there is any justice in the world, this evil perpetrator will be found out, bedeviled by dwarfs on a daily basis and ultimately buried in tinsel. Justice delayed is Justice denied.
The Night The Brains Went Out In Georgia
There’s not nearly enough crime in Monroe County, Georgia so sometimes the deputies get a little bored. Two of them, Cody Maples and Allen Henderson, decided a traffic stop might be in order. Naturally, they scheduled it for New Year’s Eve. Almost everybody is doing something illegal then, right? It didn’t take long for the boys to snare miscreant Dasha Fincher and her bag of cotton candy.
Okay, it was blue. Some things are….like the sky, the ocean and Blue Cherry Gatorade. But when Maples and Henderson see blue, they think methamphetamine. It’s a cop thing. The deputies said the car Fincher was riding in was stopped because its window tints were too dark, although they later admitted the windows were legal. Looking into the vehicle, the two paragons of justice spotted a large open plastic bag. They scoffed at Dasha when she told them it was just blue cotton candy. Then they used some kind of odd roadside field test which detected meth inside the bag. Fincher was arrested, charged with trafficking and possession of methamphetamine, her bond set at an unpayable one million dollars. Hey, it’s Georgia.
Dasha sat in the pokey for three months until a Georgia Bureau of Investigation lab test determined the substance in the bag was not an illegal drug. It took four more weeks for the charges to be dropped. Striking a blow for carnival-goers everywhere, Fincher is suing the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office for reckless and negligent behavior and violation of her civil rights. You go, candy girl! The sheriff says he’s no longer using the Sirkie Acquisitions Nark II Test, which has a notorious history of false positive results.
County fairs everywhere expelled a huge sigh of relief.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
