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Florida Man is everywhere. Gone are the days when he confined himself to the 34.7 million acres of his home state, now he feels free to take his act on the road. Recently, Christopher John Lubowski, 51, of Ormond Beach was minding his own business driving his 18-wheeler in Montgomery County, Texas when he noticed blue lights flashing in his rear-view mirror. Now, C.J. considers himself to be a law-abiding citizen who would pull over immediately under normal circumstances but on this particular occasion he found himself in possession of a disturbing amount of methamphetamine and stopping would mean an inconvenient stay in the county lockup.
It’s not as though the cops were looking to bust anyone that day. Constable Curtis Fletcher of the Patton Village force was resting in his cruiser with a cuppa Joe and a nice slice of pecan pie from the Splendora Cafe & BBQ when he couldn’t help but notice Lubowski swinging and swaying all over the highway. “Gol-dang it, I was just settling in for lunch,” testified the lawman. “But, you know, I just had to go. This crazed addict was going to kill somebody. He was fried to the gills on meth!” Curtis promptly instigated a chase, soon joined by the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office, but C.J. was in no mood to stop.
In case you’ve has never tried it, you should know that pulling over a rampaging semi is no easy task. Lubowski raced down the roadway for 2 1/2 scary hours with a string of police vehicles in his wake. Finally, on an open stretch of highway in Fort Bend County, the cops shot the tires off the big rig and brought it to a stop. C.J. was arrested on umpty-leven charges, locked up and held on a $150,000 bond. Constable Fletcher eventually managed to get back to his pie, but by then the coffee was morose.
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| Oh, the inhumanity! Or just another boffo performance-art smash by Podwilla Possum's gypsy theater troupe? |
The Possum Defecation Blues
If you leave out the Scientologists, Clearwater seems to be a nice enough place. Sparkling beach, upstanding citizens, first-class softball venues, summer home of Donna the Bakery Queen. So what in the wide, wide world of sports was Florida Man Robert Wilcox doing there pooping on a dead opossum? According to the police report, “Wilcox was observed defecating on a deceased opossum with his pants lowered and his anal region exposed.” Even worse, the nefarious act was perpetrated during rush hour traffic and in plain sight of countless observers. The perp, of course, denied it. “I was just airing out my undies and a little slip-up occurred,” he said. “It could happen to anybody.”
Are rowdy iguanas keeping you awake at night with their loud reggae music? Do the massive critters lurk in your trees just waiting for a visit from the Domino’s delivery man? Maybe it’s time you climbed up on your roof and turned on the Cuban Tarzan Signal, gaining the instant attention of one Andrew Morales, a Florida Man who specializes in invasive animal removal, with a bent to enormous lizards. If you think size doesn’t matter, try wrestling one of these characters to the ground. Morales’ latest evictee had a four-foot tail and was the size of an average fifth-grader with claws straight out of a Wolverine movie. Unlike your average Florida Man, the Cuban Tarzan considers himself a public servant, always on call to save the day for a small remuneration. “Alligators and crocodiles cost extra,” he advises.
You Meet The Nicest People In A Hyundai
Not just anybody gets to march into their local BMW dealer and get a test drive. Certain things are taken into consideration, like one’s age and shoe style, bank account statement, that crazed look in his eyes. That’s why a Gainesville BMW dealer said no dice to Kevin Leiman, 20, when he asked to test drive a BMW M4 valued at $110,000.. Kevin, of course, was outraged and he immediately darted into a phone booth and emerged as Florida Man. Gainesville Police Department officials said Leiman first went back to the parking lot and sat in his Hyundai SUV, then circled the building twice, hit the gas and smashed into the showroom windows. Once inside, he began looking for the keys to the M4, but was unsuccessful. He left on foot and was nabbed by the cops shortly thereafter. And you thought the everyday life of a car salesman was a big bag of dreary.
In early January, Florida Man Matthew Zaccarino, 39, of Altamonte Springs was confronted by police after being found trespassing at a construction site wearing a red lace bra and a G-string. Deputies found a handgun cleverly hidden underneath silicone prosthetic breasts that Zaccarino was sporting. As police approached, the perp attempted to remove his lingerie, claiming he was on his way to a costume party. Matthew was charged with trespassing while armed, loitering, resisting arrest without violence and bad taste in undergarments.
All children love to visit Chuck E. Cheese, ”where a kid can be a kid.” Chuck E., himself, is always there to greet them in full costume and get the merriment started, as was 41-year-old Jermel James in full regalia when police barged into the Tallahassee Charles Entertainment barracks and put the cuffs on. “Chuck E. is a little busy, Ma’am,” one of the cops told an upset mother. The officers escorted the large rodent out of the arcade to the prowler as stunned children looked on in horror. One angry mother yelled, “Would y’all put Mickey Mouse in handcuffs? I think not!.” Jermel was charged with using a stolen credit card, resisting arrest without violence and being a bad role model for tykes.
The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men…
It doesn’t happen very often, but now and then the Florida Board of Erratic Behavior deigns to confer the title of “Honorary Florida Man” on rank outsiders who have performed feats above and beyond the call of duty. Their most recent honoree is one Ryan Wesley Routh, a simple Carolina roofer subject to alarming mood swings during which he might run naked through the woods or even attempt to assassinate a would-be president. On September 15, 2024, one of those mood eruptions caused him to hide in the bushes outside a Florida golf course where presidential candidate Donald J. Trump was hacking away. As often happens on these occasions, Ryan was carrying with him his trusty SKS-style rifle, trying to get a bead on The Great White Hope. He lingered there for almost twelve hours before an opportunity arose at 1:31 p.m..,pointing his rifle through the fence line approximately 400 yards from Trump. Then, wouldn’t you just know it, a passing Secret Service agent espied the culprit and fired four alarming rounds in his direction. Routh promptly skedaddled the scene but was later captured on I-75 in Martin County. Seventeen burner phones were found in his vehicle, along with the rifle, a scope, two backpacks containing ceramic tiles which could deflect a bullet and a GoPro camera for remembering those tender moments. Three days later, Lazaro and Samuel Plata, two brothers who were former employees of Routh, dropped off a box to authorities which contained a 12-page letter that their employer had written earlier. The first page read:
“Dear World: This was an assassination attempt on Donald Trump but I am so sorry I failed you. I tried my best and gave it all the gumption I could muster. It is up to you now to finish the job, and I will offer $150,000 to anyone who can complete the job. Everyone across the globe from the youngest to the oldest know that Trump is unfit to be anything, much less a U.S. president. U.S. presidents must at bare minimum embody the moral fabric that is America and be kind, caring and selfless and always stand for humanity. Trump fails to understand any of this.”
On the day of his arraignment, Routh was seen smiling and laughing with his lawyer. On April 7, 2025, federal prosecutors indicted Routh for conspiring with a supposed Ukrainian to use a rocket launcher to shoot down Trump’s plane. Asked to comment on his father’s actions, Routh’s son Oran said “My Dad just really hates Trump…like every reasonable person does.”
Last week, Ryan was sentenced to life in the Big House. His many friends are hoping future President Al Franken, a compassionate man, will administer a pardon.
And You Think The World Cup Is A Big Deal…
The 2026 Florida Man Games will be held this year in Bradenton on February 21 at the Freedom Factory. Either previous host St. Augustine can only tolerate so much wackiness or the games need roomier quarters for their “mud, mayhem and maximum freedom” activities, which include the popular Evading Arrest Obstacle Course and the chaotic Grocery Cart Joust. New events this year include Bullwhips And Bad Decisions, a caged octagon battle where combatants “test their grit and endurance,” and Naked Rampage, which is not explained but is likely based on Florida Man Carlos Guerrero’s destruction of a rented home with a hammer, mallet and machete while naked.
In Human Beer Pong, two competitors climb into giant inflatable ping pong balls, the offensive player’s mission to stumble his way into one of three pools filled with booze. The defender’s goal is to take him out by any means necessary before he reaches the pool. Three rounds, pure chaos, big laughs, or so the promoters promise.
The Mechanical Gator is the Florida Man equivalent of the western bars’ mechanical bull. Hold on tight as the bucking, thrashing, tail-whipping gator tries to throw you straight into muddy oblivion. According to the hype, “It’s the ultimate test of grip strength, balance and Florida spirit. Will you ride like a legend or get tossed faster than a tourist at an airboat show?”
If any of this makes you angry, you can take out your rage in the exciting Smash Room, where you are highly encouraged to “break shit.” There is, as you would expect, a Mugshot Photo Wall just like the one the cops have down at the station…with the exception that you and a gal pal can don orange jump suits and pose together, which is almost never allowed down at the sheriff’s place.
Florida Man lives! Once thought to be the last vestige of a dying breed but now returned to prominence by a new appreciation for American ignorance, he fandangoes down the boulevard to the tune of a different drummer, tone deaf but determined.
That’ all, folks….
