The arrival of March brings with it some urgency when it comes to vacation planning. Sure, you can still get a flight from here to there and maybe even a hotel with door locks but the travel oases themselves are filling up faster than Trumpy’s firing bureaucrats. Speaking of which, this might not be the best of years to visit the major national parks like Yosemite, Glacier, Yellowstone and Rocky Mountain, where chaos is guaranteed. Until 2025, The Year of Living Dangerously, these parks were so busy that vehicle passes were required after 9 a.m. during the summer months---now they’re not. Thanks to the Great Musk Purge, far fewer park rangers will be available to handle the ensuing hordes. Roads will be clogged, park shuttles---if there are any---will be inundated and bathrooms will look and smell like the Augean Stables. Where there is snow in Summer, as in Glacier, trails will not be cleared. Assuming you can battle your way through the multitudes and actually get in, you’re on your own, so don’t get lost, hungry or bitten by a hippogator. Even Smokey the Bear has been laid off.
This would be an apt annum to visit the less-visited national parks or even some state parks, many of which are located near their national brethren. For instance, Dead Horse Point State Park, a beauty, is adjacent to Canyonlands in Utah. Panther Creek State Park in Tennessee is a mere 90 minutes from Smoky Mountain N.P. The Garden of the Gods public park in Colorado Springs, a show-stopper, is 2 1/2 hours from Rocky Mountain and it’s free. There are countless others. Check Fodor's or Frommer’s travel guide books for the states you’re interested in.
If you are looking for Scarborough Fair, it’s being held from April 5 to May 26 in tiny Waxahatchie, Texas. Now going under the moniker Scarborough Renaissance Festival, the fair features over 20 stages with live entertainment, an artisan marketplace, daily beer and wine tastings and cheap bobblehead dolls of Simon & Garfunkel. Okay, we made that last one up. You’ll be delighted to know there are no parking restrictions and the tickets are cheap. We won’t be visiting this year, but good luck. It’s Texas, so bring your MAGA hat and some bananas for the monkeys.
In A Cavern, In A Canyon….*
Or you could go to Utah, especially Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon, a mere 84 miles apart. The charming town of Springdale abuts Zion and a room or two is usually available at Flanigan’s Inn, where we stay. There are no vehicle restrictions as yet in either park and the transport from Springdale to Zion is frequent; once inside the park, the shuttle buses are large and timely. Zion N.P. is extraordinarily beautiful with trails aplenty. The most famous, to Angel’s Landing, is challenging and scary but not too many people fall to their deaths. Siobhan, of course, will not go near it.
At stunning Bryce Canyon, home of the famous hoodoos, virtually all the housing is in two giant Best Western Hotels, one of them being the long-established Ruby’s, which even has its own post office. Across from Ruby’s is the nightly rodeo and Ebeneezer’s Bar & Grill, a large music dinner theater featuring quality country music nightly. As with Zion, the buses are large and arrive often. There are several scenic trails through the hoodoos offering endless photo ops.
Not far from Zion is Kanab, a lively little town an hour’s drive from the White Pocket area of Utah. Almost everyone is familiar with The Wave, a fantastic multi-colored chute cut into a sandstone mountain, which is available only by exceptional good luck in the government lottery, but many people don’t know about the dazzling Vermilion Hills National Monument, a remote and unspoiled 280,000-acre geological treasure with some of the most spectacular trails you’re likely to see. Better take the trip with Dreamland Safari Tours, you’ll break an axle trying to get in there.
The north rim of the Grand Canyon is a mere 80 miles from Kanab. It’s also 80 miles east to Antelope Canyon, a five-star attraction near Page. Take a sedative before riding with the Navajo hot-rod truckers from the enrollment tent to the canyon. And listen to your faithful Indian guide, they really do know all the killer spots to take photos. Other attractions near Kanab include Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park, the Sand Caves and the massive Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. If you like nifty pet cemeteries, and who doesn’t, this one leaves all others in the dust.
California, Here We Come….
If none of this sounds appealing, there’s always the Golden State, albeit a mite tarnished by forest fires, mudslides and Ippel Mizuhara. Make sure you get a hefty bank loan before departing, the gas prices are steep and the hotels are steeper. Not to mention, they charge almost as much for your car to spend the night as they do for you. You can start in sunny San Diego, where the livin’ is easy and the freeways are crowded with kamikaze pilots. A little bit to the north is the glorious Del Mar race track on Jimmy Durante Boulevard. The thoroughbreds start running on July 20 and don’t stop until September 9th, and the competition is almost Saratoga-class.
Take the coastal route up to the relaxing vibes of Laguna Beach, with its stunning shoreline, coastal cliffs and vibrant arts scene. Transport is free and on-schedule in lovely Laguna, and nearby Crystal Cove State Park offers hiking on cliffs above the beach which provide expansive and dramatic vistas. If you go, give our old pal Jack Gordon a call and he’ll meet you with pina coladas at the city limits. Make sure you wear your Red Sox hat.
Further north, you can check in to Long Beach and spend the night on The Queen Mary (about $150). If you’d just like to take a look around, it’s $42 for general admission. Next, you can enjoy a fabulous doubleheader day frolicking on the world-famous Santa Monica Pier and skirting dusty vagrants on the once-grand Venice Boardwalk. Don’t look for Arnold at the remains of the old Muscle Beach bodybuilders’ salon, it’s a shadow of its former self. If, however, you find yourself in need of a new marijuana prescription, there are over 3000 beachside docs in scrubs who can write you a scrip, likely a Guinness World Record.
First-time visitors to L.A. usually want to see the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which consists of 2800-and-counting five-pointed terrazo-and-brass stars embedded in the sidewalks along 15 blocks of Hollywood Boulevard and three blocks of Vine Street. It’s a zoo over there, but it’s fun and you can have your picture taken with Princess Leia or a wookie. While you’re there, be a sport and buy a pencil from Lindsay Lohan.
First-timers also have the giant Hollywood sign on their bucket lists. If you’re willing to hike a reasonable trail in Griffith Park, you can get close and the views are to die for. Remember, however, the sign is on private property and the neighbors aren’t keen on seeing you. The front lawn of the Griffith Observatory is a good spot to check out the sign if you don’t like hiking. You can also check in with Bill’s sister, Alice (the Republican), in lovely Camarillo. Buy her dinner and she’ll regale you with embarrassing secrets from Bill’s childhood, assuming she can still remember them.
Hearst Castle
First, you should know Patty won’t meet you at the door. She’s 70 now and doesn’t want to hear any more shit about her tour of duty with the Symbionese Liberation Army. The castle, itself, is a dazzler, nestled atop a hill with ass-kicking views of Big Sur. There are several different tours available, preferably scheduled in advance, with a duration time between two and three hours. Many visitors take more than one tour. A good percentage of guests overnight in San Simeon but we like Moonstone Beach in delightful Cambria. The exotic downtown buzzes with creativity. Historic architecture, art galleries, great shops and excellent restaurants lend a vibrant energy to the tiny town. AND you can fill up on pastry at Linn’s Easy as Pie Shop. Who could ask for anything more?
When you’re through hobnobbing with the Cambrians and the castlefolk, it’s time to mosey up Highway 1 to the Piedras Blancas Rookery, the only elephant seal rookery in the world that is easily accessible, free and open to the public every day of the year. The best time to visit is between December and April, but there’s an abundance of the critters there in Summer. Don’t expect a fancy show, these big’uns are famous for languishing on the beach and occasionally taking a swipe at one another. They are massive…the males can grow to 14 feet and 5000 pounds, so don’t fall through the fence and get skwushed. The viewing area is hard to miss, just off the highway north of San Simeon with plenty of gawkers meandering around the parking area.
If you’ve never been, everything you’ve heard about the raw beauty of Big Sur is true. Everything you’ve heard about the cost of staying in the area is also true, which is why most sensible people shuffle on to Monterey to spend the night. Not being overly sensible, we spent a couple of July nights at the Little River Inn, smack dab in the middle of Big Sur for a reasonable $450 a night. It was cozy, the restaurant was good and the park along the river behind the motel was sterling, if a little crowded. The great location of the LRI made it possible to get to Pfeiffer State Beach (and later, Pfeiffer State Park) at an early hour before both were flooded with customers. If you do nothing else, see the beach, it’s a peach. Get there at 7:30 a.m. and it’s dreamy. If it’s any time but Summer, you’d be remiss to pass by the historic Nepenthe restaurant high on the oceanside cliffs of Big Sur, and a local institution since 1949. It was a favorite of Henry Miller, Salvador Dali, Orson Welles and Steve McQueen back in the day so it’s plenty good enough for you. Except in the Summer when it’s impossibly crowded with bucket-list riff-raff.
You might remember the old Esalen Institute from hippie days. You’d never know it by their prices, but Esalen swears it’s a not-for-profit holistic education center “offering wild comfort for emergent transformation and internal exploration since 1962.” That emergent transformation will cost you big bucks (Esalen grosses $13.2 million a year), but they exist in a high-rent neighborhood with most of the income flowing to maintenance, capital improvements and food.
The famous Esalen baths, where everyone is properly naked, are brilliantly perched over the Pacific, presenting incomparable ocean views. Esalen Hot Springs is open to the public, but only in the middle of the night. Reservations are required and it’s not cheap. That said, if you’re friends with noted lawbreaker Leonard Jourard, he’ll tell you about a secret road leading to the baths, when is the best time to go there and how much bail money to take with you.
Monterey, Carmel & Points North
Heading north out of the undulating hills of Big Sur, you’ll soon reach ritzy Carmel. If you’ve never paid $10 for a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice, here’s your big chance. If you’re willing to pawn your gold watch and chain, love, you may even find an affordable hotel room. That said, the restaurants are very good, the shops are unique and the public rest rooms are as spotless as those at the Sydney Opera House. Take it all in, wave goodbye to the nice poodle-carrying doyennes of Carmel-by-the-Sea and move on to Monterey to spend the night.
It’s not cheap, but the best hotel in Monterey is the Spindrift Inn, on the ocean and right in the middle of the town’s action. Very pretty and exceptionally homey. The people at the front desk treat you like your grandmother does, clucking at you to remember your sunscreen and don’t be late back for charades. You will be advised to visit the exceptional Monterey Bay Aquarium ($60 ouchy bucks for adults), the only one anywhere with a living kelp forest, the first to exhibit large jellyfish and young great white sharks and the only aquarium outside Japan to exhibit ocean sunfish, yellowfin and bluefin tuna. If that’s not good enough, the Aquarium is also responsible for restoring Monterey’s historic Cannery Row, the setting for John Steinbeck’s 1945 novel of the same name. It’s fun to read a bit of it while you’re there.
If you’re heading to San Francisco, be sure to wear a pocket-knife in your hair. The streets are alive with the sounds of grumpy and demanding transients, many of them homeless by choice. But go anyway, it’s a requirement to revisit the Haight, still lively after all these years, and glorious Golden Gate Park, headquarters for the unforgettable 1966 Summer of Love. The Haight is the only place in the universe where you can still find a decent selection of delicious R. Crumb merchandise and take a selfie of yourself wearing it on the steps of the old Grateful Dead house.
Siobhan and I always park on one side or another and walk the magnificent Golden Gate Bridge both ways (45 minutes one way against a headwind). The views are spectacular and you can’t really appreciate them from your car, let alone take pictures. Turn your ball cap around backwards and take off your glasses if you want to keep them, the gusts are a lusty opponent. There’s good parking on both sides.
If you’d rather not step over bodies and avoid clutching hands on your way to dinner, you might consider staying in Sausalito, four miles from the northern side of the bridge. The city’s name is Spanish for “small willow grove” and is home to about 7500 souls, almost no bums and our old pal Patricia McKennee, an old Sub Circus girl. Tell her you’re on the way and she’ll pick you up at the ferry dock and buy you a drink. Stay at the funky old Hotel Sausalito, downtown and right at the docks. It’s an easy drive to San Francisco in the morning and nobody will steal your car.
We could go on for hours but we’re already at 2400 words and we’ve spent your whole bankroll. Don’t worry, though, we’ll be back next week to discuss inexpensive vacations in Laos ($18 a day), Indonesia ($72) and the Kamchatka Peninsula (they pay you $56 to visit). And don’t forget the new 51st state of Canada, where the summers are cool and you don’t need a passport. If you’re looking for something to do there, Sergeant Preston is still holding forth at the Yellow Knife Retirement Home. Bring a nice bone for Yukon King.
That’s all, kiddoes….
*The paragraph on Zion and Bryce Canyon was written before the park firings, but these two (especially Bryce) might be less affected because the visitor load is smaller. Best to contact each park for up-to-date information before making any plans.
