We got trouble right here in River City. Harkening to complaints of unruly chickens, the city of Des Moines is hellbent on establishing a new pecking order which would cut the number of birds allowed to any individual from 30 to 12. The city council has given its preliminary approval. This did not sit well with local breeder Ed Fallon, who organized a chicken parade of likeminded citizens who marched around City Hall holding poultry. “We believe the city is overreacting,” said Ed. “There were only three complaints, for crying out loud.”
Assistant City Manager Malcolm Hankins thinks Fallon might have a point. “Maybe we need an amendment to that law. Could be we should allow roosters but require other chickens to be licensed and then set up a process for dealing with nuisance chickens that can’t contain their cock-a-doodle-dos.” Ed Fallon and his boys have taken a wait-and-see attitude for the time being and there are no further chicken parades scheduled for the immediate future. “We’re a patient lot,” he claimed, but we’re not fooling around and we’re determined. You don’t want to be playing chicken with us.”
I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone….
Psychic Craig Hamilton-Parker is getting a little attention from the U.S. Secret Service. The man who calls himself “the new Nostradamus” has predicted such events as the Covid-19 pandemic, Brexit and Donald Trump’s election in 2020, which is all well and good, but now he’s gone and predicted gunman Thomas Matthew Cook’s assassination attempt on the ex-president just two days before it happened. The prediction was made on Psychic Craig’s YouTube channel.
“It has always been in the back of my mind that there would soon be an attempt on Trump’s life because I read his Nadi chart,” says Hamilton-Parker. Nadi astrology is an ancient belief which posits that people’s fortunes can be foretold by certain mystics. The religion dates back about 500 years.
“While I predicted the attempt would happen, it was still absolutely shocking to see it unfold,” claims the seer. “I am sure there would have been a civil war in the country if Trump had not survived, so I was very relieved.” The psychic testifies that Trump was an alcoholic Indian priest in his past life. Long time predictions have Gavin Newsome, the Governor of California, taking control of the Democratic Party with Elizabeth Warren as Tonto.
Road Trip!
It is the dream of more than a few major league baseball fans to one day pack up all their cares and woes, kennel the dog, clean out their savings accounts and embark on the ultimate road trip---a visit to every single MLB ballpark in the country. There are 30 of them, shrines to America’s pastime stretched out from Seattle to Miami, and a guy named Ben Blatt has figured out how to see all of them in 30 days. Fortunately, he even created an algorithm on slate.com which shows everybody how to do it. He will also regale you with tales of his own trip and the difficulties encountered, like the dreaded rainout.
As a simpler alternative, you might want to opt for the world’s only Hammer Museum in Haines, Alaska. First opened to the public in 2002, the Hammer Museum portrays the complex history of the tool in all its glory, making it a highlight of your Inside Passage tour. The museum has six galleries featuring over 2,500 hammers which provide a unique view of the past. From ancient times to the present, the simple hammer tells the story of man’s progress and ingenuity. All this for a meager $7 with a $1 discount to active military and roofers. A warning---no discussions of nail guns are permitted on museum grounds.
Still driving? Don’t forget to stop at the International Banana Museum in California’s Coachella Valley, which has the largest collection of banana-related paraphernalia in the world. Their banana cream pie is to die for.
How about the National Mustard Museum, the pride of Middleton, Wisconsin? More than 6000 mustards are on display and they even have a testing bar where mustard fans can try and buy varieties like wasabi, blue cheese and chocolate.
Music fans are flocking to the American Banjo Museum in Oklahoma City, of all places. Opened in 1988, the building now houses more than 400 instruments, one of the largest collections in the world. If you’re still sampling mustards in Wisconsin, however, the World of Accordions museum is just down the road in Superior.
Finally, Houston, Texas invites you to attend the National Museum of Funeral History, a cheery little place full of funerary artifacts and burial traditions. The museum’s exhibits include memorabilia from the funerals of such icons as JFK, Elvis Presley and Martin Luther King. Permanent collections include a display on the history of embalming and a range of vintage hearses. You can even climb into a silky casket, pull down the lid and take a nap. Just remember, they close at six and the night watchman drinks a lot.
The Further Adventures Of Florida Man
Wyly James Weeks, 35, was taken into custody by St. Petersburg police recently after arguing with the cops about his right to be drunk, naked and sitting in a trash can on a downtown street. Weeks protested that he didn’t have to tell police “my name or demographics.” The cops said he was depriving citizens of their trash can privileges. Nude drunkenness seems to be a recurring issue with Weeks, who was arrested earlier with a male friend leaving a bar in Tampa. “Show me the law that says a man can’t be naked and drunk on a public street,” Weeks ordered the lawmen. They did.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to St. Augustine, the city announced The Florida Man Games would return for their second year in 2025. This unruly competition, in which teams of the state’s legendary wackadoos compete for cash and glory, will arrive on March 1. Each team must consist of three to five members all 18 or older, with at least one of them being 21 or older. All teams must prove their Florida residence. Twelve teams will be accepted, each representing a different city in the Sunshine State, to engage in such competitions as the Sumo Cage Match, the Weaponized Pool Noodle Mud Duel, the Grocery Aisle Brawl and the popular Evading Arrest Obstacle Course.
Turnout for the first edition of the games was a raucous 5000, with avid fans flying in from England, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. The event will move in 2025 to the roomier St. John’s County Fairgrounds, which even has a covered roof and an RV tailgating area if you’ve got $550 to spare. General admission is $25 at thefloridamangames. Pete Melfi, founder of the games, asks all in attendance to remember the motto of the Games: “Have fun, don’t get arrested and don’t die.”
Customers with proof of incarceration within the previous 24 months get a 15% discount.
Quick, Jeeves---The Melatonin!
Those crafty Riklin brothers are at it again. The Swiss concept artists have launched an “anti-idyllic” version of their zero-star hotel concept where guests have a double bed on a platform without walls or ceiling. The No-tel is located on a roadside near a petrol station in the village of Saillon in the southern canton of Valais, Switzerland. The intention is to prod their guests to mull over all the problems of the world and to make them think differently. “Sleep is not the point,” says Frank Riklin. “What’s important is reflecting about the current world situation. Staying here is a statement about the need for urgent changes in society.”
Guests are invited in their half-sleep to consider topics like climate change, war, artificial intelligence and the pain inflicted by bagpipe music. The project, developed with hotelier Daniel Charbonnier, also features other zero-star rooms in a quiet vineyard and on a picturesque hillside. The rooms come with butler service, drinks and breakfast. The price for an imperfect night’s sleep is 322 euros. Not your cup of decaffeinated tea? No matter. The Riklins have a waiting list of 6500 and it’s growing daily. And now word arrives of the possibility of an imitation oasis in America with the rumor serpentologist Will Thacker is buying up farmland in bucolic Zuber.
Yet Another Sign The End Of Civilization Is At Hand.
It’s troubling to entrepreneur Osawa Aswami of Japan that people just aren’t eating enough insects. These critters have been drawing much attention recently as an alternative source of protein which could ease the global food shortage. Ergo, Aswami’s first step to attack the problem---a vending machine offering a whole range of tasty bug-based snacks in the town of Timori in Nagano Prefecture in southern Japan. “I hope people will feel open to trying this new food and perhaps take some of it home as a souvenir,” says Osawa.
The menu consists of 18 types of deep-fried insects, including crickets and grasshoppers. Some are sprinkled with salt and some are chocolate-flavored. Prices range from 1000 to 2600 yen. Last month, Aswami set up a second machine in the village of Ashi. She says it was so popular, some of the insects sold out. Nagano Prefecture has a culture of eating insects, however, and Osawa freely admits the bugs might not go over so big in places like Modesto. Nonetheless, the global edible insect market is poised to boom, according to investment bank Barclays. Citing data from Meticulous Research, whoever they are, it forecasts the industry will grow by billions by 2030. Hey, they’re crunchy!
Talking Trash
It will never catch on in American haute couture circles but garbagewear is all the rage in L.A. Eco-conscious Angeleno Rob Greenfield is leading the charge, proudly wearing gobs of rubbish as part of a project to show how much trash we mindlessly toss out every day. Greenfield walks the streets of the city in an outfit containing around 28 kilos of garbage generated by drinks, snacks and meals he’s consumed. It’s all packed into his clear plastic suit with specially designed pockets on his arms, legs and back. Greenfield prides himself as a minimalist with no bank account or driving license. In 2019, he fed himself for an entire year with food he grew and harvested himself, but for his current campaign he decided to put asceticism aside and consume like the average American for 30 days. Hang in there, Rob---you’re a hero to white trash everywhere.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
