Remember when we were kids and going to the zoo was a big deal? Our parents packed us up in my Grandmother’s old Chevy and we tootled on up to Benson’s Wild Animal Farm in Hudson, New Hampshire for a visit with the critters, which were not all that wild to tell you the truth. I don’t remember any evil-eyed Bengal Tigers or menacing Gorillaphants but they did have a polar bear which swanned around his cage in a sad dance of utter boredom, swishing constantly from one corner to the other. I felt sorry for the polar bear and brought it to the attention of my Dad, a serious man. “It’s the zoo,” he said, “none of the animals are happy.”
Zoos have improved dramatically since then, expanding the size of cages, providing more natural habitat and better care for their animals. The upscale Philadelphia Zoo, the nation’s oldest, even has mesh overpasses on its Big Cat Trail to allow the cats to roam and the visitors to get a closer look. Other zoos have followed suit, but attendance is down, animal-rights advocates are still raising hell and the future of the institutions is murky. Studies have revealed that many animal species are far smarter and more sensitive than previously understood and often suffer when removed from nature. “Even the best zoos today are based on captivity and coercion,” says John Coe, the legendary zoo designer who has developed many of the new concepts used in Philadelphia. “And to me, that’s the fundamental flaw that can’t be corrected.”
All this being the case, is it any wonder that a zoo in China might be replacing their animals with people decked out in animal costumes? Hey, laugh if you want but it worked for Disney. The Hangzhou Zoo in eastern China is denying it, of course, but visitors may be on to something. The supposed sun bears from Malaysia are suspiciously smaller than the other bears and photos are circulating of the bears standing in positions more common to humans than their ursine friends. The bears also seem to have unusually slender hind legs. Other Chinese zoos have been accused of trying to pass off dogs dyed to look like wolves or African cats and donkeys painted to look like zebras. Florida herpetologist Will Thacker wants in on the action, claiming his boa constrictor costume is just back from the cleaners. “I work cheap,” he assures, “for chicken feed, actually.”
Stay tuned. Werewolves may be back in vogue.
And Many Residents Are Hopping Mad
“Where did they come from, where will they go, where did they come from Cotton-Eye Joe?”
Wilton Manors, Florida, home of the original Gay Mart, is widely considered the second-gayest city in the United States, only topped by Provincetown, Massachusetts, if you’ll excuse the expression. It’s a well-kept community not far from Fort Lauderdale, where the residents mostly mind their own business, take care of their lawns and go nuts every so often when events like this year’s Stonewall Pride Parade come to town. But that was before The Siege of The Rabbits.
Over the last two years hundred of bunnies have descended on Wilton Manors, sending the town into a tizzy. Apparently, some 30 months ago a Wilton resident let loose two lionhead rabbits from his backyard and….well, you know. Rabbits will be rabbits. The number of bunnies now outnumber the 81 homes in the Jenada Isle neighborhood.
The furry phenomenon has divided the nabe into two factions, the first wanting to let the bunnies run free, the second threatening to shoot them or feed them to their snakes. An organization called East Coast Rabbit Rescue has come to the fore to raise money to rescue and rehome the rabbits, lassoing 19 their first day, “three of which are definitely pregnant,” according to people who can tell about these things. “Our hope was to nab about 45,” said ECRR President Monica Mitchell, “but unfortunately some residents were very hostile; they didn’t want us to take the bunnies.” An officer from the Wilton Manors Police Department was present during the roundup to provide protection but Mitchell asked the city to do more. “The lionheads are a fluffier species with a thick or double mane and not built for suburban Florida. Please contact us if you can foster some bunnies and live in the West Palm Beach area. We will provide everything you require to take care of them. All they need is love.”
Cue the Beatles. And don’t forget the carrots, right Bugs?
Hogmania
Back in the days when Smilin’ Ed read the Sunday comic section of the Boston Post to the kids out there in Radioland, Tarzan of the Apes was front page material. Tarzan, of course, was an Englishman of noble ancestry who’d been lost in the jungle as a wee child and raised by the same Mangani great apes who killed his father. As an adult, Tarzan battled poachers and other evildoers with amazing success, but now and then he ran into trouble and when he did he let loose an extremely pervasive ape call which roused all the monkeys in the vicinity to come a-runnin’ and rout the enemy. Worked every time.
I remembered this while writing a Wonder Wart Hog strip for Gilbert Shelton in the early 1960s. When the Hog of Steel got into an overwhelming bind, he rose to the highest rooftop and let out a Hog Call which brought swine of all descriptions rushing in from far and near to save the day. Like everyone else, until today I had assumed WWH had returned to an upscale sty in northern Vermont to live off the ample reward money he collected over the years for snaring ne’er-do-wells. But maybe not. It seems there’s trouble afoot in Hogland and the tribes are on the move.
Pigs, swine, hogs, boars---wild, feral, non-native and six million strong---these tusked omnivores are suddenly showing up everywhere in at least 35 U.S. states. The invaders, which can grow more than five feet long and weigh over 500 pounds are adaptable creatures which can thrive in nearly any environment. They are also increasingly widespread on myriad Caribbean islands and in Mexico from the Baja to the Yucatan Peninsula, as well as Canada, where even deep snow and bitter cold cannot stop these animals from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
What’s more, the females can begin reproducing at just eight months of age and each sow can produce up to two litters of 4 to 12 piglets every 12 to 15 months. This allows the species to multiply rapidly and colonize new territory with unparalleled efficiency. Feral swine can ravage agricultural crops and harm people who corner them, so don’t get too frisky. I was driving my Cadillac Superior Model hearse on the dusty back roads of rural Oklahoma one day when a particularly large boar hog came running out of the bushes and began bumping repeatedly into an aged front tire. Speeding up was not an option on the rutty, potholed avenue and I might have suffered a grisly fate if I hadn’t whipped out my Friend of Wonder card and waved it in front of the raging beast. “Sorry podner,” he finally saluted, “You looked like a goober to me.”
Just remember, they’re watching. Be alert, cover your back, don’t take unnecessary chances. And for God’s sake, stay away from the bacon counter.
Close Encounters Of The Weird Kind
A masked band of raccoons is on the loose near Bunche Beach in Fort Myers. An unnamed raccoon made off with the purse of local woman Danielle Araica while she was distracted by the release of a rehabilitated sea turtle, while other marauders fled with a cache of boloney sandwiches from her cooler. “I hate to say this, but I think the racoons and the turtle were working together,” she said.
Meanwhile, in Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota, a drunk squirrel was caught on camera struggling to escape after ingesting fermented pears left on a picnic table outside a local house. Representatives of the Psychology branch of the Minnesota Squirrel Rescue Brigade commented that in times of squirrel depression sometimes acorns can’t dull the pain.
In further squirrel news, residents in Rego Park, Queens, have reported at least five attacks from the savage rodents on 65th Drive near Fitchett Street. One woman required emergency room treatment after being bitten on the hand and others say they are afraid to walk in their own neighborhood. Micheline Frederick told of a varmint running up her leg and biting her on the neck. “It just basically runs up my leg and I’m like okay squirrel, hello, what are you doing? Then all of a sudden it’s a cage match and I’m losing.” Her hands covered with blood and bruises, Frederick got a rabies shot just in case.
Her neighbor, Lucia Wang, was also a victim. “I tried to shake it off,” she said, “but I couldn’t. Squirrels have claws, they dig in, cling to your jacket, there’s no way to shake them off. I kept thinking of the movie, ‘The Birds” and hoping a bunch more of them didn’t jump in.”
Queens authorities said the residents are on their own. “They need to hire a trapper,” said one. We’re not in the squirrel business. We got enough trouble with the other rats.”
Queens authorities might want to hold their tongues, however. When the British Charity PDSA recently announced the winner of the Gold Medal, its top civilian award, a giant African pouched rat named Magawa marched up to the podium. Apparently, Mag---as he is known to his many admirers---won the honor for his diligent work searching out unexpected land mines in Cambodia. The three-pound rodent was presented with a tiny gold medal and commended for his “lifesaving bravery and devotion” after discovering 39 landmines and 28 items of unexploded ordnance in the past seven years, according to the charity.
“Say WHAT?!?” gasped Magawa when it all was explained to him. “They told me we were looking for overripe bananas. I coulda been exterminated! Does anybody have a phone number for Morgan & Morgan?”
That’s all, folks….
