If you happen to be an old geezer like some people we know, your taste for taking six and seven-hour plane trips has gone with the wind. We love Paris in the summer when it sizzles, but not after nine mind-numbing hours in the lower stratosphere and a few more negotiating airports. Now, however, comes the interesting news that a New Yorker suddenly craving a spot of English tea might soon be able to get to London in less than two hours, less time than it takes Indiana Jones to wrap up an expansive adventure on Lufthansa TV.
NASA is investigating the possibility of developing supersonic passenger jets that could travel up to four times faster than the current airliners. Today’s commercial planes cruise at about 600 mph, but the theoretical speeds from the new jets would run between 1,535 and a stunning 3,045 mph, and that’s with no psychedelic enhancements. The old Concorde’s maximum speed was 1,354 miles per hour. The space agency has identified about 50 established routes for potential test trials across the Atlantic and Pacific, enlisting Boeing and Northrop Grumman Aeronautic Systems to lead two teams that will develop concept designs and technology roadmaps for achieving the heretofore impossible.
“We are also collectively conscious of the need to account for safety, efficiency, economic and social considerations,” declares project manager Mary Jo Long-Davis. “It’s important to innovate responsibly so we return benefits to travelers and do no harm to the environment.” In July 2023, Lockheed Martin completed the building of NASA’s X-59 test aircraft, which is designed to turn those irritatingly noisy sonic booms into mere thumps. Ground tests and a first test flight are planned for later this year and NASA aims to have enough data to hand over to U.S. regulators in 2027, when Bill will be a lofty 86. Giddyap!
And A Child Shall Lead Them
My pocket needs some money, so I can’t go into town.
My brother isn’t working and my sister doesn’t care,
The car she needs a motor so I can’t go anywhere.
Manana! Manana! Manana is soon enough for me!---Peggy Lee (and the Republican members of Congress)
In Montana, of all places, a cadre of young environmentalists showed the rest of us the way, suing state agencies for violating their constitutional right to a clean and healthful environment by allowing fossil fuel development. Money talks in most environmental battles and state agencies everywhere daily succumb to attacks on soil, water, the atmosphere and anything else the greedmongers wish to either purchase or pollute. This time, the kids won the day in the first trial of its kind in the United States. The Montana ruling adds to a small number of legal decisions around the world that have established a governmental duty to protect citizens from climate change. District Court Judge Kathy Seeley found the policy the state uses in evaluating requests for fossil fuel permits—which does not allow agencies to look at greenhouse gas emissions---to be unconstitutional.
The judge rejected the state’s argument that Montana’s emissions are insignificant, saying they were “a substantial factor” in climate change. Montana is a major producer of coal burned for electricity and has large oil and gas reserves. “Every additional ton of GHG (greenhouse gas) emissions exacerbates plaintiffs’ injuries and risks locking in irreversible climate injuries,” Judge Seely wrote.
Attorneys for the 16 plaintiffs ranging in age from 5 to 22 presented evidence during the two-week trial that increasing carbon dioxide emissions are driving hotter temperatures, more drought, bigger wildfires and decreased snowpack. Claire Vlases was 17 years old when she became a plaintiff in the case. Now 21, she claims that climate change hangs over every aspect of her life. “I think a lot of young people feel really helpless, especially when it comes to our future,” Vlases said. “Maybe this will light a match. Hopefully, this is one for history.”
Out of the mouth of 21-year-old babes….
Meanwhile, Nudist Colony Stocks Are Skyrocketing
Alert reader Kathleen Knight is back with a report the federal government is creating spy underwear. Kathleen, who has an Antenna for the Bizarre in her back yard, reveals that the feds are spending $22 million on developing ready-to-wear clothing that can record audio, video and geolocation data through something its calling The Smart Electrically Powered and Networked Textile Systems program, or SMART ePANTS, for short. Garments slated for production include shirts, pants, socks and underwear, all of which are intended to be washable, but not jockstraps.
SMART ePANTS is being developed under the watchful eye of the Intelligence Advanced Research Projects Activity, which invests in “high-risk, high-payoff research programs to tackle the most difficult challenges of agencies in the Intelligence community,” which includes moonshots like underwear that is not only as stretchable and washable as the normal stuff but also records your every move. Some people don’t think this is the very best idea they ever heard of.
Annie Jacobsen, an investigative journalist and author of The Pentagon’s Brain told The Intercept that the government “is now in a position of serious authority over you. The TSA can already swab your hands for explosives, check out your boobs on their little screens and feel you up. Now they can hand you a coverup barrel and sniff your underwear on your way to the airport gate. What if SMART ePANTS detects a chemical on your skin? Imagine where that can lead.”
The IARPA did not immediately respond to The Flying Pie’s request for comment but did send back a note which claimed their programs are “designed and executed in accordance with strict civil liberties and privacy protection protocols and nobody has to get nekkid at the airport.”
Meanwhile, you might want to get out your old Geiger counter to check those undies.
Would You Like Fries With That?
An estimated 6.5 billion people will be living in urban spaces by the middle of this century. A new crop of indoor farms now taking root in cities around the world may be necessary to feed the booming population In the first half of 2022, investors pumped more than $800 million into vertical farms, warehouses converted into growing spaces for crops ranging from leafy greens to herbs and strawberries. By 2030, this indoor ag business could be worth $33 billion.
Climate-controlled indoor farms have key advantages over traditional farms. They can grow year-round, produce more food on less land due to stacked plantings and aren’t as vulnerable to pests or extreme weather. Bringing the farms closer to the consumers also reduces the need for transportation and refrigeration. The industry is “creating a food source that is available, affordable and accessible,” says Nona Yehia of Vertical Harvest Farms, a category of agricultural enterprises which is cropping up monthly. AeroFarms recently opened a 150,000 square foot facility in Danville, Virginia and Brooklyn-based Gotham Greens is on track to build several farms this year. Farmers in Brooklyn? “We are in a very aggressive growth mode right now,” says CEO Viraj Puri, who doesn’t sound like a real farmer to us.
Still, you have to be prepared. Somebody put a call in to the Yonder Mountain bluegrass band, Fat Man’s Barbecue and Tractor Supply, the cracker boys are moving in. Where’s the nearest waterslide park anyhow?
I Was So Much Older Then, I’m Younger Than That Now
Get this, grannies. A team of scientists from reliable old Harvard Medical School has identified a combination of drugs that can reverse the aging process within a week. The study was conducted on mice and involved administering three different drugs---growth hormone, Metformin and a drug that activates the AMPK, whatever that is. The treatment resulted in a rejuvenation of aged muscles, liver tissue and other organs. In almost no time, the merry mice were playing Bell The Cat and drinking margaritas at Micky’s place.
Harvard researcher David Sinclair shared the discovery on Twitter and in the medical journal Aging. The findings, published in a recent issue, shed light on a significant breakthrough in the field of aging. “We’ve previously shown age reversal is possible using gene therapy to turn on embryonic genes,” Sinclair tweeted. His 17-tweet thread explaining the findings gained an incredible 1 million views. “Now we show it’s possible with chemical cocktails, a step toward affordable whole-body rejuvenation.”
In related news, Willie Nelson has just announced dates for his 2035 tour and Robert Redford has promised “The Return of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.” Butch will be played by either Clint Eastwood, Mel Brooks or Eva Marie Saint.
Why NOT Al Capone?
If you think Donald Trump is the first candidate to run for president while also running from the law, you’re sadly mistaken. Back in 2008, one Jack Shepard sought the Republican nomination while living in Rome, Italy, thanks to an outstanding warrant for his arrest in the U.S. Seems Shepard was charged with arson for burning his Minneapolis home to the ground, but like the kid whose dog ate his homework, Jack had a good excuse.
“Someone kicked in my bedroom door and threw some fire in there and ran downstairs and ran away,” he swears. Alas, Shepard also had his Minnesota dental license revoked “due to a string of violent incidents.” Arson is one thing but If there’s anything that makes a voter really nervous it’s news of ongoing violence at the dentist’s office. Jack did at least show up for his revocation hearing, though dressed as a soccer player at the time.
It’s always disappointing, of course, when wackos the press calls “fringe candidates” do not show up to lend color to the presidential elections. Where is Pat Paulson or Lyndon Larouche or crazy old congresswoman Cynthia McKinney , who once claimed the federal government executed 5000 people and dumped them in a swamp in Louisiana? We miss guys like John G. Schmitz, who is the only person ever expelled from the John Birch Society for “extremism.” Schmitz actually got almost 10% of the vote in Idaho and finished ahead of George McGovern in some counties. J.G. famously said, “I have no objection to President Nixon going to China, I just object to his coming back.” Us, too, John.
The outlook for fun candidates in 2024 is dreary, but there’s still time for a star to rise in the East. No, not Vivek Ramaswamy, an agent of chaos who appeals to the Trump base which likes right-wing lunatics. Somebody like Vermin Love Supreme, the guy who wore a boot on his head and carried a giant toothbrush. VLS wanted to give everyone a pony and promoted zombie apocalypse awareness….nothing wrong with that. James Traficant, a real convicted felon if that’s your cup of tea, was expelled from the House of Representatives in the late 1980s for taking bribes, filing false tax returns and forcing his coworkers to perform chores on his houseboat, nit-picky stuff that got him seven years in jail.
How about a fun guy like Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, a self-described vampire who enjoyed drinking the blood of women and whose policy on crime involved torturing and impaling criminals? If that sounds a bit worrisome, remember Jonny also recorded a nice album of Elvis tunes and called H.W. George Bush a wuss.
Is there anybody out there? It’s not too late and the competition is meager. If your candidacy is compelling, Bill Killeen might even sign up for a second-place spot on the ticket. As Snuffy Smith used to warn us, “Time’s a-wastin!” Everybody has a chance, wretched excess is no disqualifier. Hey, look what happened to Sarah Palin.
That’s all, folks….
