Too Much Monkey Business
Those wild and crazy macaques in Lopburi, Thailand are acting up again. Reluctant to interfere with their major tourist draw, local officials have turned the other cheek while the monkeys grabbed food from passing humans, creating tussles which often leave people scratched and bumfuzzled. Alas, outrage grew in March when a woman dislocated her knee after a monkey pulled her off her feet in hopes of snatching her Tom Yum Goong. Another man was knocked off his motorcycle by a monkey mad for papaya salad. Athapol Charoenshunsa, the director of the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation, said “People elsewhere hear these things and they think it’s all very funny but they don’t realize we have 2500 of these little devils. Obviously, we have to do something quickly. I don’t want monkeys hurting humans and I don’t want humans hurting monkeys.”
An official monkey-catching campaign was launched this week, prioritizing the more aggressive alpha males. So far, they’ve caught 37 macaques, which seems like slim pickin’s. Lesser control measures in previous years have fallen short. Opponents of the monkey roundup blamed the problem on tourists and residents feeding the animals, drawing many monkeys into the city and getting them accustomed to fetching food from humans. “It didn’t used to be so bad,” said one observer, “until they opened the Kentucky Fried Chicken. Now you can’t even get through the drive-up lanes.”
Rise Of The Cicadas
Trillions of evolution’s bizarro wonders, periodical red-eyed cicadas with pumps in their heads and jet-like muscles in their butts are emerging in horriferous numbers not seen in decades, or maybe ever. Crawling out from under ground every 13 to 17 years with a collective song as loud as jet engines, the cicadas are nature’s kings of the calendar.
These black bugs with bulging eyes differ from their green-tinged cousins, which come out annually. They stay buried for extensive periods, then surface to overwhelm a landscape, even covering houses with shed exoskeletons. If you just love having a crunchy walkway, you’ll adore cicada armageddon. The last time two broods emerged together was in 1803, when Thomas Jefferson was president. He mistakenly called them locusts in his Garden Book.
“Periodic cicadas don’t do subtle,” says Connecticut bug expert John Cooley. Georgia Tech biophysicist Saad Bhamia says if you want to use the dated word “awesome,” this is the time. “We’ve got trillions of these amazing living organisms springing forth everywhere, climbing up trees, buildings, what-have-you. It’s like an entire alien species living underneath our feet and suddenly they come out to say hello.”
The brood is set to march through the Southeast (but not Florida), emerging when the ground warms to 64 degrees, which is now happening earlier because of climate change. The bugs are brown at first but darken as they mature. Soon after the cicadas begin their dance in the Southeast, they’ll inundate Illinois and points north. Don’t worry, they’re easy to recognize. They’ll be wearing funny hats and singing some version of “This Is Our Once-A-Year Day.” If you see ‘em comin’, better step aside; a lot of men didn’t and a lot of men cried.
Don’t worry if you miss the current spectacle, however. Cooley promises there will be an even bigger one in 2076, when the two largest broods, XIX and XIV come out together. “That,” he marvels, “will be the ultimate Cicada-Palooza!”
Older Than Dirt
The world’s oldest man says the secret to long life is good luck, moderation in everything and fish & chips every Friday. Englishman John Tinniswood, 111, has been confirmed as the new holder of the title by Guinness World Records following the death of 114-year-old Juan Vincente-Perez of Venezuela. Born in Liverpool on August 26, 1912, a few months after the sinking of the Titanic, Tinniswood lived through two world wars and participated in the second one. The retired accountant and great-grandfather never smokes, rarely drinks, follows no special diet except for that fish & chips fetish.
“If you eat too much or drink too much or you walk too much---if you do too much of anything---you’re going to suffer eventually,” Tinniswood avers. You hear that, banjo players? “But living this long, who knows? It’s pure luck, you live long or you don’t and you can’t do much about it. Make sure you tell Bill Killeen that, he’s a bit of a fanatic.”
John says he’d very much like to meet the world’s oldest woman, 117-year-old Maria Branya Morera of Spain. “But just for polite conversation,” he swears, “none-of that hanky-panky stuff. A man should go to his grave being a gentleman.”
Doesn’t That Just Piss You Off?
“Well, I never!”
That seems to have been the reaction of fellow passengers on a three-hour Air New Zealand flight from Auckland to Sydney after an unnamed passenger was arrested for urinating in a cup after the plane landed. The incident came to public attention recently when New Zealand news website Stuff reported that a passenger in the same row named Holly reported the ill behavior to the air crew. Holly said she and her 15-year-old daughter were sitting in the middle and aisle seats when the man in the window seat whipped it out and began urinating into his drink cup. The witness said the plane had been on the tarmac for about 20 minutes waiting for a terminal gate to be allocated when she heard the unmistakable tinkle. “The man was obviously quite drunk,” she reported, “and spilled a bit on a flight attendant on his way out.”
Air New Zealand said it does not comment on individual incidents concerning urine. The airline claims it bans between five and ten customers each month for disruptive behavior, including intoxication, “but not too many for urinary crimes. Thank God.”
Nyet!
The Russian republic of Chechnya has decided to ban all music that is “too fast or too slow.” From now on, music should correspond to a tempo of 80 to 116 beats per minute according to a recent statement by the nation’s culture ministry. The republic’s leader, Ramzan Kadyrov, advised culture minister Musa Dadayev that all music must now “conform to the Chechen mentality.” Oh. So no more Rolling Stones, right? “That is correct,” replied Mr. Dadayev. “Borrowing musical culture from other peoples is inadmissible.” The new standard is relatively slow compared to most modern day popular music, but still too fast for “Hey Jude.”
The ban was announced following a meeting between the republic’s ministry and local and regional artists. Musicians have been given until June 1 to rewrite music that doesn’t meet the criteria, which surprisingly includes the Russian national anthem (76 BPM) and also that of Chechnya (78 BPM). Even more embarrassing, the music on the video delineating the new policy is a pokey 78, Now what, Ramzan?
According To Our Department Of Antitourism…
The Japanese town of Fujikawaguchiko has had enough of tourists, thank you. Overrun by interlopers seeking perfect photos of iconic Mount Fuji, the town recently began building a large black screen on a stretch of sidewalk to block the view of the mountain. “Fujikawaguchiko is a town built on tourism and we welcome visitors, but there are many things about the tourist manners that are worrying,” claims Michie Motomochi, the owner of a cafe serving Japanese sweets near the critical area. “These unruly mobs litter, cross the road in heavy traffic, trespass into private properties, it’s very rude.” Michie’s neighborhood suddenly became the place to shoot about two years ago after a photo taken of Mount Fuji from an unusual angle (it seemed to be sitting atop a local convenience store) became a social media sensation. Ever since, the mostly foreign tourists have been piling into town to try their luck.
The black mesh net being constructed will be 2.5 meters high and 20 meters long and will almost completely block the view of the mountain. Tourist Anthony Hok of France was miffed. “It’s an overreaction. Too big solution for subject not as big. Doesn’t seem right to me. Does Paris put curtain in front of Eiffel Tower? Does Egypt build wall in front of Sphinx? Does America keep people away from Corn Palace? Of course not!”
Andrew hasn’t heard that two entrepreneurs will be setting up a drone booth in about a week.
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| Your everyday brain-eating worm in fetching pink. |
Disa & Data
A Japanese man identified only as “Asphodelus” fell asleep in a department store massage chair and woke up to find himself alone and locked in. He eventually set off an alarm, which notified the police, who assumed he was a thief and searched him vigorously. “It was a valuable experience and a nice back rub,” the troublemaker said.
A Ghana man studying forestry in Alabama set a world record for most trees hugged in an hour when he cuddled up to 1123 trees in the Tuskegee National Forest. Abubakar Tahiru, 29, was required to wrap both arms around each tree in a close embrace without causing any damage to the trees. Averaging 19 trees a minute, Tahiru easily surpassed the minimum requirement of a paltry 700 trees to establish the new record.
Cooper Wallace, aka Seagull Boy, dressed in his full gull regalia, was recently declared the winner of a major European Gull Screeching Contest in De Panne, Belgium at the tender age of 9. “I like seagulls because of their noise,” Cooper said. “Sometimes they can be a bit scary and I’m still wary of eating at the beach so that’s why I eat in a small tent. My school friends thought my practicing was annoying at first but now they know I am a champion.”
And then there's Galena, the 28-pound cat from Utah who suddenly went missing. “We searched every nook and cranny for a week,” said cat-owner Carrie Clark. Unbeknownst to her owner, Galena had sneakily stepped into an Amazon return package and went sailing far over the sea…or at least over the state line into California, where a warehouse worker discovered her seven days later, none the worse for wear. Thanks to a microchip, she was soon united with her grateful family. “It was a little disappointing,” said Galena. “I didn’t even get to see Laguna.”
Finally, the RFK Jr. campaign office has advised us that the often confused presidential candidate has a dead parasite in his head. Sure, Bobby, blame it on the bossa nova. “No, really,” he insisted, “the abnormality was caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.” But we knew that all along, didn’t we, guys?
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
