Last May, Flying Pie roving reporter and chicken enthusiast Kathleen Knight discovered a bustling chicken training camp in faraway Seabeck, Washington. This was surprising to us, having once been in the chicken management business and never having heard a peep about any desire for higher education. Chickens seemed a flighty lot, given to foraging for food, scratching the ground searching for insects and quaffing a few brewskis while watching Ted Lasso on TV. But Kathy assures us “they are intelligent and emotional animals which demonstrate thinking skills on a par with mammals and primates.” According to people who know about these things, if you hide an object from a chicken (which we hardly ever do), the chicken will know where it is, which is something even human kids aren’t able to do.
Neuroscientist and chicken maven Lori Marino avers that “Chickens are behaviorally sophisticated, discriminating among individuals, exhibiting Machiavellian-like social interactions and learning socially in complex ways that are similar to humans.” Who knew? Like bottlenose dolphins, chickens demonstrate the ability to differentiate between numbers of items and they display the markers of having an episodic memory---being able to recall specific events, like the January 18 firebombing of a Virginia Chick-fil-a, which has become sort of a chicken holiday.
Though their intelligence has not been directly compared, individual analysis suggests that both dogs and chickens are highly intelligent creatures capable of emotion, advanced social interaction and empathy. Chickens can dream! Also turkeys, who have been known to dream about dining on humans at Thanksgiving. Chickens are excellent communicators, able to convey the significance of an event; for example, the call to alert others to an aerial predator is different from the warning to beware a ground predator. Chickens can understand basic mathematical concepts, but cannot do algebra, sorta like Fonzie. Chickens can recognize up to 100 people, even if they’re wearing Groucho masks.
Kathleen Knight beseeches Flying Pie readers to go Vegan, or if not, just leave the chickens off your menu. When last seen, she was leading a band of feisty roosters with picket signs parading afront a fading Kentucky Fried Chicken facade, yelling “Hey, hey, KFC! How many chicks did you fricassee?” At least a dozen cars pulled out of the drive-up lane and one shamefaced employee turned in his apron.
Laurens County, S.C.---A man and woman authorities called modern “Bonnie and Clyde wannabes” were arrested yesterday after leading deputies on a merry chase in a stolen car which also contained a dog, a cat and four chickens. Authorities said that while deputies were on routine patrol, a black Honda sedan with an expired tag blasted through a Gray Court intersection with feathers flying out the windows. “There was loud clucking,” stated Officer Farrel Byrd, “and the car was traveling at inconsistent speeds and changing lanes left and right.”
Lauren County police have jailed the pair on charges of theft of a vehicle, reckless driving and contributing to the delinquency of a chicken.
Uttar Pradesh, India---A large number of chickens were stolen after a lorry transporting the birds crashed on a highway in Uttar Pradesh recently. The accident occurred amid foggy weather conditions in several parts of the country and left dozens of vehicles damaged in the process.
After the crash, commuters reportedly began looting chickens from the wounded lorry instead of helping the injured driver. Video footage captured by a chicken supporter clearly showed the faces of the thieves as they hastily grabbed the defenseless birds and bundled them in sacks. The chickens were worth nearly two hundred fifty thousand rupees, which seems like a lot for chickens. “I am devastated,” said the driver, who wishes to remain nameless. “This is a great loss of profits to me and my family.” Asked by a BBC reporter what the damages would be in euros, the victim said, “I don’t know how to translate that. But I can tell you it’s not chickenshit.”
United Kingdom---Dumb clucks? We think not! According to a study published in Royal Society Open Science, the key to interpreting the moods of chickens---and nobody wants a moody one---can be tuning in to the sounds of their calls and clucks. Suppose, for instance, your chicken has just been jilted by a calloused boyfriend, lost all her money in the futures market or misplaced her Taylor Swift CDs. How is a simple poultry farmer to know?
The RSOS scientists played audio recordings of hens to 194 participants in their study and 69% could tell the difference between excited birds (those about to get a treat) and displeased birds (those who weren’t) based only on the audio recordings alone. “Chickens have swear words, too,” claimed one of the study volunteers. Joerg Henning, co-author of the study, said in a press release, “This provides confidence that people in animal husbandry can identify the emotional state of the birds they look after even with no prior chicken experience.” Starting with a simple understanding of happiness or disappointment, researchers will probe deeper into clucking in an attempt to discover how a hen feels when the veterinarian’s office doesn’t return a phone call or when her rooster is caught having phone sex.
“If we know these secrets,” says Henning, “we can establish better bird health, minimize divorces and put a few chicken shrinks out of business.” So the next time you hear a little fracas going on in the barnyard, rush out with your notebook, a pencil and a sympathetic ear. Try to learn a few clucking nouns and verbs. Strive to determine if it’s still “i before e except after c” and whether an adverb can still modify a verb, an adjective or another adverb. And always remember, “Alone, we can do so little; together, we can do so much.” Helen Keller, a noted chicken fancier, said that.
Important Chicken Facts
1.---Chickens invented the pecking order. The social structure of flocks depends on a hierarchy, which is an order of dominance. All chickens know their place in this order and it helps to maintain a stable, cohesive group.
2.---Eggshell color can be determined by the hen’s earlobe. That’s why there are brown eggs, ecru eggs and the occasional purple and gold eggs at Easter time. Generally, hens with red earlobes will lay brown eggs and hens with white earlobes will lay white eggs, although there are exceptions. The nutritional content and flavor of the eggs is the same.
3.---Chickens know their own names. Not only that, but they know the names of all the other chickens around them. “Barnie” and “Benedicta” are popular chicken names.
4---Some chickens sleep with their eyes open. Chickens who draw the short straw will take up positions at the ends of the perches and sleep with open eyes and will turn 180 degrees to allow the other side of their brains to sleep. Chickens in the middle sleep with their eyes closed.
5.---You can tell if your chicken loves you. If your chicken relaxes enough to groom or preen itself by your side, consider yourself loved. Same goes for when they allow you to brush and groom them. Chickens only allow those they trust to be around them during these vulnerable moments. Never tickle your chicken. It’s a deal-breaker.
6.---Chickens like to jump into their hotrods and drive straight at other chickens. The driver who veers out of the way first is called “Human,” which is highly insulting. When the inevitable collision occurs now and then (especially in redneck areas), the result is called “Dinner.”
“But I’ve seen it all in a small town, had myself a ball in a small town…---John Mellencamp
Well, maybe not this small. The official population of Chicken, Alaska is currently 12, but the good news is that’s up 5 citizens from the last census. The actual year-round population is closer to two or three dozen, which includes missionaries and people who got lost in the snow. There isn’t any electricity in Chicken so you have to have your own generator. There are also no public toilets, but there is a decorous outhouse. Mail delivery is a spiffy twice a week and Fedex is just a rumor. If, for some reason, you’d like to go to Chicken, the bad news is it’s six hours from Fairbanks down a small road, which is closed from October to March when the white stuff piles up. The dirt lane heading into town is best traversed by a sturdy vehicle with giant tires. Chicken is close to the border near Yukon, Canada, so a surprising number of bold adventurers driving from Dawson City into Alaska on the Top of the World Highway actually pass through there.
Though Chicken is certainly remote, business picks up in summer when miners and other visitors come to town. There’s even an RV park and an 800-meter shoestring airport. “I personally counted over 100 people one weekend last July,” reports an excited long-term resident named Joseph Blaugh. Metropolitan Chicken actually covers 115 square miles.
There are businesses in Chicken, but not many. You’ll definitely want to stop in at the gift shop to purchase a t-shirt which boasts, “There’s not a single mosquito in Chicken, Alaska….they’re all married and have large families.” Believe it or not, there is a music festival in June of each year called (of course) Chickenstock, where all the natives show up in whatever weird attire is handy. Mick Jagger will not be appearing this year but an Edgar Winter knockoff band is on the card and Ice-T will be rapping a blue streak.
Right, you want to know about the name. Seems that in the late 1800s, gold miners in the area kept themselves alive by eating vast amounts of ptarmigan, now the Alaska state bird. When Chicken became incorporated in 1902, the locals wanted to call the town Ptarmigan, in honor of lunch, but nobody knew how to spell it, thus “Chicken.”
By the way, if you’re so inclined, the entire town of Chicken is for sale, lock, stock and outhouse for a mere $750,000. We’d have a go at it ourselves but all our money is tied up in Deadhorse.
That’s all, folks….
