“My optimism wears heavy boots and is loud.”---Henry Rollins
In a world that is falling apart all around us, what would we do without optimists? Perhaps retire to the chummy shores of faraway Pitcairn Island, hitch a ride to the planet Zelda in one of Gary Borse’s Identified Flying Objects or march to the top of Diamond Head and swandive into oblivion. Optimists make lemonade from sour little citrus balls, wrap your damaged Achilles tendon and send you back into the game, remind you that relief is just a swallow away. Pessimists, on the other hand, shuffle their feet, spit on the ground and run the surrender flag up the flagpole at the first hint of cumulonimbus. Optimists make the world go ‘round, pessimists pull over to the curb and apply the parking brake.
Ah, but I am a realist, you say, neither a foolhardy Charlie Brown nor a depressing Friedrich Nietzsche. We say you realists are just pessimists in disguise, people with pocketsful of “I Told You So!” buttons to hand out on convenient occasions. Were we realists, we might accuse our valued friend Gina Hawkins of folly for thinking a raw recruit like herself could march the 2190 miles of the testy Appalachian Trail without sneaking onto a Greyhound from Blairsville, Georgia to Millinocket, but no, we hold our tongues and help pack her knapsack with trail gruel, Clif bars and hard liquor. Just to be on the safe side, of course, we’re asking her to place a tracking device in her underwear. There’s pessimism after all, and there’s sensible caution. It is not at all cynical, say, to have medics on call, the helicopter warmed up and the extraction team practicing midnight crisis techniques.
The Appalachian Trail; What You Should Know
“You become an informal clump, a loose and sympathetic affiliation of people from different age groups and walks of life, but all expecting the same weather, same discomforts, same landscapes, same eccentric impulse to hike to Maine,”---Bill Bryson
The storied Appalachian Trail, which extends from Springer Mountain in northern Georgia to faraway Mount Katahdin in central Maine, has lured headstrong youngsters, earnest trekkers and crazy fools for decades, many of them seeking to escape the stress of city life, reconnect with nature, test themselves against the many hardships the footpath doles out daily. Others, like freshman hiker Jason Candide of Omaha, do it impulsively for the glory. “I want to hike The Trail just to say I’ve done it,” he relates to three-time thru-hiker Frank LaMotta. “Then you’re a fool,” said Frank. “You won’t last a month.” Even an optimist needs a Plan.
Only one hiker out of every four makes it the length of the Trail, a mammoth five-to-seven month undertaking which takes careful preparation. Rookie hikers tend to carry too much food and water, too many or too few clothes, not practice enough in difficult circumstances. It’s generally agreed among experienced hikers that 30 pounds is all you want to carry on your back for ten or more hours a day. The Approach Trail is difficult, surprisingly so to new hikers. After two or three days, sore knees and weary Achilles tendons are common; slow and steady wins the day. Veterans advise starting out at eight miles a day and working up.
If it’s dry, trail runners are an option, but waterproof hiking boots are often better for the cold, wet, sometimes snowy days ahead. A survey of thru-hikers who walked the Trail in 2022 found 86% favored trail runners for the majority of the hike, a surprising statistic which has stood the test of time. 91% of respondents who began their hike in trail runners said they were happy with their choice, while only 64% of trekkers starting in hiking boots were satisfied.
Okay, so now you’ve thoroughly researched the hike, drastically improved your physical fitness level, bought the right equipment and adopted the proper attitude. You’re a lean, mean hiking machine and you’re ready to go. But have you thought about the bears?
The Bears
“Black bears rarely attack. But here’s the thing. Sometimes, they DO. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn’t happen often, but---and here’s the salient point---once would be enough.” ---Bill Bryson
Much of the Appalachian Trail is black bear habitat. Bear populations are increasing in all states and bear encounters are on the rise on the A.T. Brigid Bell’s thru-hike took an unexpected turn on May 9, 2023, when she was bitten by a black bear while exiting a privy in Great Smoky Mountains National Park.
“It happened so fast I didn’t even have time to be afraid,” claims Bell. “I knew it was useless to run, but I definitely picked up my pace.” So did the bear, who lunged forward and bit Brigid on the upper buttock. She jerked her body forward, pulled away and walked calmly toward the safety of a nearby shelter where other hikers, armed with rocks, began throwing things at the bear, eliciting a temporary retreat. Bell said her training as a 911 dispatcher kicked in, allowing her to remain in control of her actions. “I was probably the calmest person in the camp,” she says. Brigid even had the presence of mind to take a few pictures of the bear.
Although black bears tend to shy away from humans, bears which have had access to human food often lose their fear of people, learning to associate hikers with tasty treats. Bears willing to approach humans are not easily deterred and have to be rehomed in remote areas or, in the case of especially aggressive bruins, euthanized. Wildlife experts say, “A fed bear is a dead bear,” which hardly seems fair, so hikers are drilled about feeding them or leaving unsecured food where wildlife can access it at night. Sections of the A.T. are periodically closed to overnight camping in response to reports of excessive bear behavior, especially one seven-mile stretch near the North Carolina-Tennessee border which is often beset. All that said, from 2000 to 2019, there have been only nine actual deaths via black bear attack in the entire lower 48 states. By contrast, in 2017, 89 people were killed by hornets and over 250 died while taking selfies. Maybe someone should come up with a Selfie-Spray.
The Optimist Hall Of Fame
“The Socialist is the greatest optimist in the world. He never sees anything but victory ahead. Even where the vote is small and outward indications might to the average beholder carry little hope, the Socialist sees nothing but ultimate triumph. No one but he has ever planned for a world free from want or steadfastly believed that his ideals would be wrought into a fact so glorious as to excel all the utopias of which man has dreamed.”---Anonymous, 1908
Think you’re a diehard optimist? You’re not even trying. Let’s take a look at the competition.
1.---Don Quixote. In a cruel world full of stoic realism, mockery and violence, this man’s childish idealism and determination to fulfill his dream is impossibly optimistic. And, as it turns out, just plain impossible. His creator, Miguel de Cervantes, once said: “Too much sanity may be madness and the maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be.” But Don Q.’s little known sense of humor eased the frustration.
At the end of each daunting episode, D.Q. and his faithful Spanish companion Sancho Panza rode to the top of a hill on their horses, then pulled up to let Don Quixote tell a bad joke. “Oh, CISCO!” recoiled his partner in mock horror. “Oh, SANCHO!” replied his compadre, breaking up in hysterics.
2.---Roberto Goizueta. On April 23, 1985, this CEO and Chairman of Coca Cola announced the shelving of the iconic Coca Cola formula and its replacement with a substitute called New Coke. Shortly thereafter, suburban Atlanta villagers arrived at the Coke plant bearing pitchforks and torches and threatened to burn the place down if their beverage rights were not restored. Roberto and his boys caved and the original Coca Cola was revived. New Coke lost the company $4 million in research and development and $30 million in unsold inventory. Apparently, fifty million times a day, at home, at work, or on the way, there’s nothing like a Coca Cola, nothing like a Coke.
3.---Roy Brown. Brown was a hotshot designer with the Ford Company in 1954, when he began creating the Edsel, which was intended to be the “it” car for the nation’s middle class. “We don’t think so,” said John Q. Public of the unattractive gas-guzzler which had an X-rated grille, oil leaks, hoods that stuck and trunks which didn’t open, and Ford lost $350 million. Cisco and Pancho rode to the top of a hill and threw Roy off a cliff.
4.---Adolph (Mr. Potato Head) Hitler.
“Hey, guys, the war seems to be going well, let’s drop in to Moscow for some stroganoff and Stoli.”---Der Fuehrer
Somebody get this guy a map and a winter weather report for the Soviet Union. The sheer scale of the Eastern Front where his invasion of the USSR took place was daunting, to say the least, and the weather didn’t help. German forces were ill-prepared for the bone-chilling cold, which presented logistical challenges, equipment failures, numb digits and a colossal loss of morale. The Russian army, on the other hand, was accustomed to the conditions and used them to their advantage. Hitler’s invasion also diverted crucial military resources from other fronts, including Western Europe and Northern Africa and pushed the Russians into an alliance with the Allied Forces, significantly shifting the balance of power in favor of the Allies. Best “Oopsie!” ever.
Shortly after the Soviet fiasco, a crack team of U.S. Army commandos secretly captured Hitler and replaced him with Charley Chaplin, who eventually ran the Nazi war machine into the ground. Now you know….the rest of the story.
Facts About Optimists
1.---Optimists Live Longer. Look it up. Research has consistently linked optimism with overall health and longevity. Optimistic thinkers have lower rates of hypertension, heart disease and cancer, as well as lower rates of mortality in general. Optimists tend to exercise more, sleep better, eat healthier and refrain from smoking. One large 2019 study determined that optimists have a lifespan 11% to 15% longer than average unless they are rulers of Germany. Optimists are more likely to live to 85 or older, a fact which applied independent of variables like socioeconomic status, health conditions, depression, social integration and healthy behaviors. When given a poor but manageable health prognosis, pessimists are more likely to become fatalistic and see only an inevitable death sentence, while optimists recognize the severity of their condition but are more likely to take steps to cope with it.
2.---Optimists Have Better Love Lives. Ask around. Optimists have higher quality, longer lasting romantic relationships, according to researchers from Stanford University. These results hold even when only one partner is an optimist. Psychologists believe optimism leads to a greater sense of perceived support from a partner, which helps couples fight fair. When asked about a point of contention in the relationship, both optimistic thinkers and their partners were more likely to say that the other partner was invested in making the relationship better.
3.---Optimists Are More Successful.
Just as optimists seem to be more resilient outside the workplace, they are also resilient on the job. Even if their bosses don’t recognize that they’re doing good work, optimists are able to keep performing well. People who are optimistic also seem to have better job security, according to the 2019 study. People who are optimistic about their careers are more likely to succeed at work and to feel satisfied with their jobs. Optimistic managers may be more effective at helping others be productive and achieve their goals.
4.---Optimists Bounce Back Faster And Stronger. In a famous study of elite college varsity swim teams published in 1990, coaches told athletes to swim their best event. After the races, coaches provided false feedback about the results, adding a couple of seconds to the swimmers’ times. The difference was small enough to be believable but large enough to cause disappointment in the athletes. Then, they were given half an hour to rest and ruminate on their perceived performances before repeating their events.
On their second efforts, pessimistic thinkers swam 1.6% slower than the first time while the optimists swam 0.5% faster. In the competitive world of swimming, the difference between the optimists and pessimists was the difference between winning and losing their events. Optimists use failure as fuel to perform better in the future. A later study on high-level athletes showed that optimism also helps protect athletes against burnout.
As good old Norman Vincent Peale told us long ago, “A man who is self-reliant, positive, optimistic and undertakes his work with the assurance of success magnetizes his condition. He draws to himself the creative powers of the universe.”
Buddha suggested “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.”
From Robert Brault: “An optimist is someone who isn’t sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.”
That’s us. Call us crazy.
That’s all, folks. But only for today.
