Every week The Flying Pie hears from readers who want to know “Where have all the hippies gone?” Not quite gone to graveyards, every one, but it’s a disturbing trend. A diligent search, of course, will find nests of hippies in Eugene, Oregon or Girdwood, Alaska or even plucky Burlington, Vermont, but it’s nothing like the days of yore when brilliant tie-dyed armies filled Golden Gate Park and Greenwich Village and a million other little edens, rolling their joints, gobbling down their sprouted grains, swaying to the Grateful Dead and sleeping with one another’s husbands and wives. Try to remember the kind of September when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
We are not so naive as to think the country will some day wake up and rise as one to recreate the glory days of hippiedom, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a special place full of psychedelia, sixties music, crash pads and blacklight rooms. Do you realize that right this very minute there are scores of islands off the Florida coast selling for prices just north of $250,000? Maybe we can coax Richard Allen and Hoch Shitama to buy one and turn it into Golden Gate Park East, liberally stocked with sandalmakers, juice bars with meditation rooms, $15 lids and the Fillmore South. Communes could grow food for the islanders and visitors, who would sail over in droves to view the last remnants of the 1960s and buy posters of Frank Zappa sitting on a porcelain throne. People these days are so nuts about getting on ocean liners, the boat industry even has Cruises to Nowhere. How great would it be to take a trip on that old gospel ship and go sailing right over to Hippieland, where the girls wear tiny halter tops and transparent angel dresses and you can buy a tab of speedless, highly refined acid for a sawbuck? A descendant of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi would be available for life counseling, mornings would feature free yoga on the beach and there would be a bonfire and protest demonstration every night about something. You never run out of things to protest, right? We’ll need a mayor, of course, but last we heard Wavy Gravy wasn’t busy. And, of course, there’s always Cheech or Chong.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember and follow, follow, follow….
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| A walk in the woods. A very LONG walk. |
“I love to go a-wandering along the mountain track, And as I go, I love to sing, my knapsack on my back!”---Stan Haag
As the Spring equinox approaches, intrepid hikers Gina Hawkins and Richard Rahall are packing up their cares and woes, here they goes, winging low, bye-bye blackbird.
Hawkins and Rahall are heading for Springer Mountain and the daunting Appalachian Trail, 2190 miles of fun, frolic, cussing and throwing things. A typical thru-hiker takes five to seven months to reach the terminus at Mount Katahdin in Maine, first timers about six months. Only one in four trekkers make it all the way but Gina says neither rain nor sleet nor moose poop on the trail will stay these adventurers from the eventual completion of their appointed rounds. As we all know, talk is cheap. Hiking the entire A.T. is a grueling task requiring extraordinary physical and mental stamina and determination. The terrain is mountainous for its entire length with an elevation gain and loss---get this---equivalent to hiking Mt. Everest and back sixteen times!
Oh, and there are bears, big ones less friendly than Yogi, and bear encounters with hikers are on the rise. “Excuse me kind sir, but you got any spare ham?” Or “Put down the bear spray, Sonny, or I’ll skwush you like a grape.” The highest population of black bears on the trail is in the Shenandoahs, the Smokies and New Jersey, believe it or not. Black bears love berries, mice and whatever they can steal from hikers, like the occasional ear. The common advice given when encountering a bear (if the animal is stationary) is to move away slowly, going sideways. Personally, we have had good success with doing the Super Bowl Shuffle, which either confuses the bear or makes him smile. Under no circumstances should you run. A bear can run as fast as a racehorse uphill and down, whereas you can run as fast as a chihuahua.
Now Richard Rahall is a sturdy marathon runner with obvious stamina, mental toughness and a steely determination. But Gina is…well…not. “Yeah, but I’ve got a suitcase full of Tylenol, good shoes and some strong whiskey,” she beams. We’ll see. We asked Ms. Hawkins what happens if she falters and Richard wants to carry on. Does she rent a car, hit the Sonic Drive-Ins and rush to trail overpasses to drop Rahall double-bacon cheeseburgers from above, like Charley’s wife in the song “Charlie and the MTA?” She says she’s good if someone just pushes her across the starting line like a reluctant paratrooper. In any case, we need her to get on with it. If she starts out on March 19, she has almost two months to hike, have fun, fall into a gorge, recover, get cleaned up and report to the Hogtown Opry with a smile on her face. Either way, she’s still our hero.
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| Tell her Randall sent you. |
Take A Walk On The Wild Side
Berkshire Hathaway Travel Protection, a bunch of sissies, is out with its newest list of the safest destinations in the world to visit. Boring old Canada is first, sleepy Switzerland second and freezing Norway third. Don’t get us wrong, all of them are easy to look at and delightful to hold but their hills are alive with the sounds of snoring. If you want to inject a little action into your life, The Flying Pie has a few suggestions.
1.—Bring your taco truck to Gaza. Plenty of business, no competition and the rare opportunity to see the rocket’s red glare, bombs bursting in air. Oh sure, every so often one lands nearby and there goes the neighborhood, but just move the truck down the road and you’re back in business.
2.---Search for a lovely wife in war-torn Ukraine. The girls can’t wait to get out of there and your local competition is diminishing by the day. It’s no secret that Ukrainian women are among the world’s most attractive, even with all the department store cosmetics departments closed for repair. If you’re low on self-confidence, remember one of these women actually married Randall Roffe.
3.---Open the first McDonald’s Franchise in North Korea. Nothing against rice plates, kimchi and chuk (porridge) but can you imagine eating that stuff all the time like the weary residents of Pyongyang do? Hook up with Dennis Rodman or Michael Jordan and set up a meeting with basketball-crazy Kim Jon Un and you’ll be selling quarter-pounders and large fries in no time. No Ronald McDonald, though. Kim thinks all clowns are spies, and he’s right.
4.---Start up the first coaster park in Ethiopia. Did you know there’s not a single roller coaster in Ethiopia? Not a one! Even North Korea has roller coasters, for crying out loud. As of 2021, there were 120.3 MILLION coaster-starved people in Ethiopia just champing at the bit for a little upside-down action. No Dodgems, either. Yeah, we know, there’s a little civil unrest in the country but you get that even in Manitoba now and then. No pain, no gain, right?
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| Bridge over troubled waters |
You’re Leaving, On A Jet Plane
“Summer is icumen in, laud sing doowah!” ---Lieuen Adkins
Is this the year you finally boot yourself in the hunkers, get on the phone and buy you some tickets to Yorba Linda? If you’re the kid who always puts his pencil down and goes to sleep when the teacher asks for essays about your summer vacation, don’t you think it’s time to snap out of your coma and Go West, Young Man (or woman or combo)? If you ever wanted to leave your heart in San Francisco, your money in Vegas or your husband in Puckerbrush, this could be your last chance before dotage sets in. The options are endless west of The Big Muddy and The Flying Pie is here to steer you right.
1—San Diego to San Francisco in 12 days. While nobody was looking, 1.3 million people decided to live in San Diego. Go see why. Then drive up the coast to dazzling Laguna Beach, home of 100+ art galleries and some of the country’s most acclaimed art festivals. Laguna is a free-spirited town with a great beach, inspiring coastal views, free tram transportation for miles and a nice vibe. Stop in at Jack Gordon’s place in Laguna Hills and he’ll give you a beer and ply you with Red Sox propaganda for ten hours straight.
After that it’s on to the Venice boardwalk, a little seedier than it used to be but still fun, especially if you enjoy opportunities to buy marijuana-related products, haunt trinket shops and contribute to the support of trashed-out derelicts. There’s nobody left doing biceps curls at Muscle Beach, but you can start a revival. Keep your wallet in a side pocket.
From there, it’s just a short hop up the road to the world-famous Santa Monica Pier and the terminus of good old Route 66. The Pier was constructed in 1909, the first concrete pier on the West Coast, and quickly gained a reputation as the top fishing spot in the area. Where else can you stick your line in the water while you ride the roller coaster and have dinner? The place is full of young lovers, street artists and wackos of the first order, so bring your video camera and get ready to smile.
Next, it’s on to funky Cambria and its faithful Indian companion Moonstone Beach. This can be your base camp for checking out the nearby Hearst Castle and/or the large elephant seal rookery north of San Simeon. Viewing of the seals is open to the public free of charge, close up and personal from the Elephant Seal Boardwalk. Don’t take Siobhan with you or you’ll be stuck there all afternoon.
There are plenty of options on the way, but we’d drive straight to Sausalito by way of San Francisco. Sadly, the hippie population in SFO is down to a ragged few and the bum population is soaring, but massive Golden Gate Park is still there with its splendid Japanese Gardens and Haight Street is open for business and memory-stoking. The ferry is a treat and Alcatraz still draws a crowd if you like that sort of thing. If you go, message Patricia McKennee, who lives on the Sausalito main drag and can’t wait to meet you. Tell her Groucho sent you.
If you’d like to extend your California trip, head east to Yosemite and perhaps across Death Valley to the airport in Las Vegas, but don’t try to do it in 11 days. (2 days in San Diego, 2 days in Laguna, 1 day in Santa Monica, 2 days in Cambria, 4 days in Sausalito/San Francisco.) If you do the add-on, you’ll need at least two or three days in Yosemite, one night at Furnace Creek in Death Valley and another in Las Vegas. The Mandalay Bay is the closest big hotel to the airport. Bring your bankroll, gas isn’t cheap in Cali and neither are the dancing girls.
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| Room with The View |
The Arizona-Utah Loop
Fly into Flagstaff and drive 34 miles west to Williams, Arizona, your base camp for the Grand Canyon. It’s a colorful town with reasonably-priced hostelries and there’s a faux gunfight in the street every night, though sadly without Sheriff Will Thacker. The same gang of owlhoots gets on the train next day to amuse riders on the trip to the Canyon and back. Most of you do not want to be there because the slow ride (2 hours and fifteen minutes) is double the driving time and drastically reduces the amount of time you get to spend at The Big Gulch. Moreover it leaves Williams at 9:30 in the busy months and by then you should be well down the Bright Angel Trail. It’s wise to start early in the summer because the rains come in from the west between 1-2 p.m. many days.
It’s expensive to stay in a Canyon lodge, but not unreasonable, especially if you plan long hikes or a mule excursion to the Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Canyon, which starts at 6:30 a.m. The mule trip is not for sissies, as it takes 5 1/2 hours to get from top to bottom, where temps in summer are often over 100+ degrees and the sleeping facilities are primitive. Not to mention the requisite saddles for your mount, which are harder to abide than a six-month sentence in a Turkish prison.
When you finally climb back out, you’ll want to rush right down to the Amara Spa in lovely Sedona, two hours south, where they’ll dust you off, give you a pat on the back and send you on your way with a silly smile on your face. No first trip to Sedona is complete without partaking of the exciting Vortex Tour, where you’ll be driven to seven energy centers by an expert guide who will help you to more deeply connect, relax, focus your mind and heart to achieve balanced energy. If it doesn’t work, you’re not trying hard enough, so no money-back guarantees.
When you finally manage to drag yourself away from the the red rock canyons of Sedona, you head north and east across the Utah state line to mind-blowing Monument Valley, where you will stay nowhere but the Navajo-owned View Hotel (alcohol in your room only). Each room has a balcony that looks out onto a surreal landscape, unchanged in centuries. If you went to Western movies as a tot, you probably saw one made right here; if not, you can watch a film displayed on an outside wall of the building each night. Next day, find a guide in the parking lot who will truck you into the outback in an open-air vehicle for a visit up close and personal with the exotic rock formations. If you can hire a member of one of the families who live in the Valley, all the better. Tip generously.
Next, we move south and west to the famous Antelope Canyon, near Page, Arizona. You may not recognize the name, but you will the soft sandstone walls brightened by sunlight leaking in from the cracks above. Shaped by millions of years of water and wind erosion, the Canyon was named for the herds of pronghorn sheep which once roamed the area. This is another Navajo property and its headquarters is set up along a main highway where you sign up for the hour of your choice. Eventually, you’ll be loaded up into trucks driven by speed-obsessed maniacs and delivered to your destination in one or more pieces. Your driver will tell you it is not necessary to use your seat belt, but, if you’ll forgive the expression, he is full of shit. Serious lensmen might want to try the Photographers Tour, which is allegedly less crowded. The Navajo guides, despite their need for speed, are very helpful with picture-taking on all the tours and will set you up for some great shots. Even if you can’t sharpen a pencil, you’ll inevitably get primo photos at this magic destination. While you’re in Page, don’t miss the famous Horseshoe Bend on the Colorado River, easy to access from the highway.
Head north back across the Utah line to the incredible wonders of Bryce Canyon, which is not actually a canyon at all, but rather a collection of giant amphitheaters along the eastern side of the Paunsaugunt Plateau. Basically, you’re going for the distinctive geological structures called hoodoos, formed by frost weathering and stream erosion of the river and lakebed sedimentary rock. These spectacular red, orange and white rocks are only found in Bryce, one of the smaller national parks, which is relatively easy to traverse. The hikes through the hoodoos are moderate, which means an athletic grandma has a chance of making it through the alleys of the Navajo Loop Trail, which takes visitors down from the rim at Sunset Point, through the narrow corridors of Wall Street, past the Silent City and an intersection with Queens Garden, then back up to the rim. On second thought, bring along some shots of adrenaline for Nana.
Finally, we’re off to nearby Zion National Park, home of the world-famous Zion Narrows, always listed as one of the top two or three day-hikes in the country by people who pontificate on such things. It was second in our experience only to the climb through Yosemite to the summit of Half Dome. Only 90 people each day are allowed permits to walk through all 16 miles of this slot canyon that cuts between 2000 foot cliffs, and reservations are booked months in advance.
You’ll be walking through the waters of the north fork of the Virgin River, sometimes ankle-deep, occasionally up to your waist, swishing from side to side looking for the easiest passage. Not only are the rocks in the river wet, round and extremely slippery, they are also prone to unpredictable shifting, making walking more challenging. Water shoes with holes and neoprene booties aid in slogging through the river and it’s wise to to rent a large staff to probe your next steps. It’s also a good idea to have a schedule of when you intend to arrive at various points of the hike. Too much resting and lollygagging and you won’t be out by dark, which makes things more interesting than you’d like. There is no alternate way out other than the start at Chamberlain Ranch and the finish at the Temple of Sinawava, so once you’re in, you’re in for the duration. Anyone not fit enough to walk 16 miles in a river bed should abstain. People with sketchy health issues shouldn’t even think about it. Siobhan and I were in the river for about 11 hours, and it was taxing to say the least, but it was also beautiful and invigorating. I did lose 5 pounds in the process but there are easier diets.
A cute alternative to the trek, and one used by large numbers of Zion visitors, is to enter the Narrows at the finish line and walk as far in as you feel comfortable. That way you’ll know exactly how far you have to go to get back out. Most of these toe-in-the-water folks don’t bother with equipment suggested for the long hike. Zion is also home to the famous Angel’s Landing hike up steep grades, slippery edges and dramatic drop-offs. It would be a good way to lose your children if you’re desperate.
All finished? Okay, it’s back through booming St. George, Utah to Las Vegas and your flight home. If it’s in season and you’re in the mood, you might want to overnight in St. George and drop in to the terrific 1920-seat open-air Tuacahn Amphitheater at the mouth of Padre Canyon to catch one of the professional-quality plays which rotate there throughout the summer. The drive from St. George to the Vegas airport is a mere two hours.
All further questions about travel west of the Mississippi should be directed to the Flying Pie Travel Bureau, a free service for Pie readers and their mobile friends. If you haven’t been west of the mighty Mississip, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. Happy trails to you til we meet again.
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| Who can can like Tuacahn? |
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
