Yes, But They’ve Got Real Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
We’re spoiled here in Florida, where you’re never more than five minutes from the nearest convenience store. In the Shiniuzhai National Geological Park in China’s Hunan Province, it takes 90 minutes to get to theirs, and Uber doesn’t go there. The park’s general manager, Song Huizhou, says the 394-foot journey up the cliff to the store takes a minimum of ninety minutes and they don’t even sell lottery tickets. They’ll give you a free bottle of water for your trouble, though, and the mountain is peppered with handy metal anchors you can fasten yourself to while ascending.
If you’re going, you might also want to visit Brave Man’s Bridge (Haohan Qiao), a glass suspension bridge swaying 180 meters above a deep crevasse. Don’t mind those creaking noises, the thing is absolutely safe says your faithful guide Tian Hong, who wouldn’t lie for all the tea in China. Tian swears that 200 people could be whooping it up, jumping up and down on the bridge at the same time and everything would be fine, but she admitted nobody had ever tried it. Visitors are issued thick overshoes to protect the glass, of which there are two panes, each 2.4 centimeters thick and supposedly 25 times stronger than normal glass, supported by a steel frame. Be ready to hear a few of your fellow trekkers screaming as they sway.
Being a noted risk-taker, I suggested to Siobhan we visit the park next time we’re in China. “What’s a good time for you?” I asked.
“How about the Twelfth of Never,” she responded.
“But that’s a long, long time,” I sulked.
The Mensa Olympics
Would you like to live like a Florida Man for a day? Well, here’s your chance---start planning now for next year’s Florida Man Games, a fun-filled opportunity inspired by newspaper headlines detailing the outlandish behavior of certain sketchy Sunshine State individuals. The Florida Man phenomenon has been an internet mainstay for over a decade thanks to a Twitter account that posts real stories of lunatics and goofballs who don’t seem to habitate Maryland or Ohio. Where else but Florida do people get arrested for trying to get alligators drunk or calling 911 for a ride to Hooters?
“We wondered how we could best create an event which would celebrate Florida Man in all his insane glory,” testified Pete Melfi, the event organizer. “Someone gave me the idea to make it into an athletic competition, and that’s what we did. It will be the most unique athletic showdown on Earth.” Among the events will be a Category 5 Cash Grab, where participants try to grasp as many bills as they can in a wind-blown booth. There will also be a “Weaponized Pool Noodle Mud Duel” and some exciting Beer-Belly Wrestling.
The highlight of the day, however, will be the Evading Arrest Obstacle Course, where real police officers chase contestants jumping over fences and through back yards as the crowd goes wild. “Being athletic is not required,” says Melfi, “which is good news for the police.” The Games are slated for February 24, 2024, at an Orlando area location to be named later. Ducats are $45 apiece for non-participants. Counterfeit bills will be considered if well-rendered.
The Zion Narrows
The Narrows is a Bucket List challenge like no other. First, a candidate must be in exceptional shape because the conditions of the hike allow for no rescue once you’ve started. Second, you must be able to keep to a schedule come hell or high water, because you’re definitely going to face at least one of them. Third, skip it if you’re even remotely claustrophobic; the canyon walls are often 1000 feet high and sometimes as narrow as 18 feet across and the latter part of your hike will likely be in twilight.
You start just outside Zion National Park in southwest Utah in the fields of the Chamberlain Ranch, where little streams of water eagerly rush toward the north fork of the Virgin River. You are wearing your water shoes with holes in the soles to let the water out and your neoprene socks, and you are carrying a large walking stick to probe the river bottom before each cautious step. On your wrist is a waterproof watch to help keep you on schedule because the hike is a challenging 16 miles and you want to reach the finish-line Temple of Sinawava before dark when all the pickup vehicles leave the park. You checked the weather update because flash floods from thunderstorms far from Zion can sweep through the canyon unexpectedly and wash you all the way to Mexican Hat.
Only 80 people a day are allowed to traverse the Narrows, where the waters run from ankle-high up to your waist as you plod from side to side of the canyon seeking the least resistance. Due to the sometimes low water level and the gigantic boulders in the river, no watercraft is viable in the canyon, so the only way out is the exit at Sinawava or the way you came in. This became an issue for Siobhan and me when her knee went out about halfway through the hike, slowing her down to tortoise speed. We looked for a trail leading out but none existed, thus putting us in the precarious position of reaching our destination too late to catch our ride. Fortunately, the Temple gods relented, the knee popped back into place and we made it out in time, 11 hours and 40 minutes after we began our trip. Despite carrying reasonable nourishment, I wound up losing 5 pounds in one day. We exited to the kind applause of people playing in the water at the finish line, most of them probably wondering how these old geezers made it.
Siobhan looked at me over her shoulder. “No more 16-mile hikes, right?” she said. “Only in canyons with better emergency services,” I assured.
Last, But Not Least
Okay, gang, who else aside from Anna Marie Kirkpatrick is ready for their first triathlon? Show of hands, please. Okay, I see a response from Ron Thomas, Gina Hawkins and Carolyn Holmes. How about you, Farnell? No, you can’t bring a pool noodle. I’m willing to go in the “over 80” category where they let you use roller skates and an electric bike.
Erin Counihan, 39, of St. Louis did it. “I finished last but I felt like I won,” she smiles. “I was nauseous, tired, hot and miserable. I almost gave up at mile three of the bike.” Erin used to be fairly athletic around 15 years ago but since then she’s had spinal fusion surgery, an all-consuming career and no athletic training. “I was feeling overwhelmed all the time and wasn’t taking very good care of myself. I needed to take on something big and scary to force myself to train. I decided to overdo it with my first Olympic-distance triathlon.”
Because of her back injury, Counihan doesn’t run much. The 26-mile bike hike on a hilly course was also a bit of a stretch. “The whole thing was really frightening,” she admitted, “but I had many family members and friends drive for hours to cheer me on.” The race was as tough as expected but Erin was buoyed by her fan support. “Also the others in the race. One really fit, fast guy high-fived me and told me to keep it up. A gal lapping me said, ‘You got this, Sis!”
Erin Counihan finished 97th out of 97 women but she had a hell of a time. “I had a lot of fun. I made friends. My posse cheered like hell for me and my family was proud of me for even finishing. I felt tough. I am tough! The whole experience was amazing. I recommend it to anybody Oh, and tell Farnell it’s okay to bring his noodle.”
Octogenarian Dream; Around The World In 80 Days
All it takes is a little cash, a rugged constitution and some serious planning and you, too, can emulate Phileas Fogg’s great success story. No whining, please about diverticulitis, dubious grandchildren or missing President’s Day festivities, you can do it, Winsocki, if you’ll only buckle down.
Yes, we know---you’re 80 and all that goes with it , but so were Ellie Hambry, a documentary photographer, and Sandy Hazelip, a physician, two grandmothers who started their ambitious journey on January 11 in, of all places, Antarctica.
“For almost two days, we were rocking and rolling and slipping and sliding through the Drake Passage and we were holding on for dear life,” Hamby told CNN. “But when we stepped on the ground of the Antarctic, we forgot all of that. The beauty of the place is just unbelievable. The penguins, the icebergs, the glaciers---it was amazing.”
Since departing Antarctica, the duo has visited 18 countries across all seven continents, often in matching garb. They have a loving following on social media tracking every mile they travel. The two met after Hazelip’s husband died in 1999 and became closer after Hamby’s husband passed away in 2005. Hazelip says the idea for the trip originated a few years before they were each set to turn 80. “I just got the idea because we had traveled previously together internationally,” said Hazelip. “And so about four years before we were going to turn 80, I mentioned it to her one day. It’s not everybody who’s up for something like this but Ellie was ready to go.”
Over the course of their trip, they rode camels in Egypt, played with elephants in Bali, danced in Nepal and were fascinated by the Northern Lights in Finland. Despite the inherent challenges international travel presents, the best friends finished their trip without a single argument. “Although we’re both independent and very stubborn, we seem to allow each other enough space,” says Hazelip. “We just understand each other and knew this was a good thing we were doing and we kind of respect each other’s feelings.”
For Hamby, the highlight of the trip was the people they met along the way. “We love all the sights we saw, but the things we remember most are the people we met…some of the most wonderful, kindest, friendliest folks in the world. We now have friends all over the world we love dearly. We always say that when we started this trip, we weren’t going on a vacation---we were planning an adventure. And every single day was just that---an adventure.”
Hazelip laughs and says 81 is the perfect age to embark. “Getting older allows you a little bit of wisdom on making decisions, like not riding a motorbike in Bali because of concerns about falling.” Both said their ages didn’t affect their itinerary despite the distinct possibility an injury or worse might crop up.
“If worse came to worse,” smiled Hazelip, “our children would have been at peace knowing we were out there doing what we absolutely wanted to do. What more can you ask out of life?”
A question all of us might ponder.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
