“There are strange things done in the Autumn sun by the men who moil for votes.”---WTK
The Mouse That Roared
When they close down the circus, what happens to the clowns? Well, eight of them showed up for the first Republican Presidential Debate on August 23, red-nosed and bushy-tailed with seltzer bottles in hand. Or maybe it was brown-nosed considering their loyalty to The Fuehrer, Donald Trump, seasonally known as Pumpkinhead.
When the clown car pulls up and the fun boys start popping out, all the circusgoers search for the ringleader, the looniest of the lot, the guy with the loudest horn and the worst behavior. Without a doubt, the fruitcake of the day at The Jabberwocky in Milwaukee was Vivek Ramaswamy, who danced around like a puppet on a very loose string, squeaking “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!”
Among other things, Vivek believes the voting age should be raised to 25, thus reducing the number of sane people eligible to go to the polls, which would clearly help the Grand Old Party. He also thinks the U.S. should abandon Ukraine, abolish the FBI and start looking for the real 9/11 culprits. “How many police, how many federal agents were on the planes that hit the Twin Towers?” he wants to know. Jeered unanimously by the other candidates on the stage, Ramaswamy screeched, “I’m the only candidate who isn’t bought and paid for.” Then again, who would bother?
GOP strategist Doug Heye called Vivek “the smart-alecky little brother that starts fights at the dinner table.” An ardent Trump supporter seen by some as a millennial version of the former president, Ramaswamy has promised to pardon Trump if he’s convicted in any of his various legal battles and says he plans to invite The Donald to be “a mentor and adviser” in the coming Ramaswamy administration. Great. The Batman and Robin of the dark side. Where is Harold Stassen when you really need him?
Hey, Hey, RFK---How Many Jews Did You Dis Today?
“Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars, and let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.”---Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
If Vivek Ramaswamy is off the rails, Democratic outlier Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is driving his train somewhere in the Klondike. “Covid 19 is targeted to attack Caucasians and Black people,” he says, “and the people who are most immune are Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese. The U.S. has put hundreds of millions of dollars into ethnically targeted microbes so we can target people by race!” Damn, it’s those pesky evil scientists again---what will they think of next?
Kennedy also blamed school shootings on antidepressant drugs. “Before Prozac, we had almost none of these events,” he fussed. Before AK-47s we didn’t have as many, either, but let’s not talk about that. RFK Jr. also is convinced that voter fraud let George W. Bush steal the election from John Kerry and that Sirhan Sirhan only shot his father after being hypnotized by aliens from the planet Gumbo, that vaccines cause autism and that the Wizard of Oz is alive and well and running a Dollar Store in the jungles of Argentina.
His mortified family has distanced themselves from The Crackpot Express, although his put-upon wife Cheryl Hines supports his presidential bid. “Robert’s opinions are not a reflection of my own,” she kindly said after a Kennedy tweet compared vaccine mandates to the tactics of Nazi Germany.
“Wi-Fi causes cancer and leaky brain,” Junior told podcaster Joe Rogan recently. “And chemicals in the water supply are turning children transgender,” except in Flint, Michigan. Don’t say we told you this but AIDS may not be caused by HIV, either.
Kennedy is suing the Biden administration and several media outlets including The Associated Press, the Washington Post, the BBC and Reuters for alleged censorship. He has written a book accusing Dr. Anthony Fauci “of helping orchestrate and execute 2020’s historic coup d’ etat against Western democracy.”
Dr. Paul Offit, director of the Vaccine Education Center at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and a long-time antagonist of Kennedy, says “When vaccines came along in December, 2020, I thought people would rush to get them and 100% of the population would be vaccinated and the disease stymied. Wrong! This is the first virus in history of humankind where you are more likely to die based on your political affiliation.”
“What fools these mortals be,” said Puck. He was never more accurate than today.
Mr. DeSandman, Bring Us A Dream….
“I think we’re all bozos on this bus.”---Ron DeSantis (& The Firesign Theater)
Before Governor Ron showed up, the worst things that ever happened in Florida were Hurricane Andrew, the Great Citrus Freeze of ‘85 and Trans Bike Week in Daytona, all pittances compared to the Reign of Duh-Santis. Sporting his cherry red Make Florida Dumb Again cap, the governor has in virtually no time raised Florida to the top of the charts in banned books, doubling up even woeful Texas’ totals, attacked Disney World over “queer theory,” made targets of minority communities and bused undocumented aliens to jolly Cape Cod at state expense. In June, DeSantis made a video featuring a montage of muscular men, bolts of electricity flying from DeSantis’ eyes and an image of actor Christian Bale in the movie American Psycho. In July, the DeSantis campaign fired a staffer who shared a pro-DeSantis video that featured The Gov at the center of a Sonnenrad, a symbol appropriated by the Nazis in the 1930s and still used by white supremacists. In August, Governor Ron vowed to start “slitting throats” inside the bureaucracy when he becomes president, which is now about as likely as Chris Christie giving up midnight snacks.
The DeSantis campaign is firing staffers faster than Guatemalans are crossing the Texas border. Campaign manager Generra Peck described these and other firings as “aggressive steps to streamline operations,” which translated to English means “we think they are stupidheads and we’re running out of money.” According to a late-September Quinnipiac University poll of likely Republican voters, support for DeSantis dropped six points in August, putting him at 12% after a high of 31% shortly after he announced his candidacy. Nice upward mobility, Ron. Who says all those Republicans are brain-dead?
Gathering Of The Sheep
On September 27, ex-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and six squeamish sycophants of the ex-prez hoping to be considered for second place on the GOP ticket met at the Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California for the second Republican debate. Remember when political parties had actual platforms? Not this one. The only promise they make is “We’re going to do everything the opposite of what Biden has done, plus save all the babies and guns, kill all the queers, round up the immigrants, build an even bigger wall and hang Mike Pence.” Okay, there might be one holdout on that last one.
Vitek Ramaswamy brought out his accordion and played some polka music to show he didn’t really hate Ukrainians. Mike Pence told a joke, which fell flat. The Guy From North Dakota kept futilely waving his hand for attention. Chris Christie had a nice moment, dubbing Trump “Donald Duck” for his reluctance to show, drawing a few giggles. DeSantis, noting that the civilized audience in Simi Valley was not booing anti-Trump doggerel, blamed Donald for the looming federal shutdown. Pence tried another joke, which also bombed. Tim (Uncle Tom) Scott criticized his neighbor Nikki Haley for spending $50,000 on curtains, then Haley said Scott and his fellow congressmen were spending money like drunken sailors. The Guy From North Dakota started jumping up and down while waving both hands for attention. Former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, who qualified for the first debate but not the second, was set upon and mauled by a pack of local Girl Scouts working Security when he tried to sneak in the stage door. Mike Pence went for broke and the stage manager removed him with a hook. The Guy From North Dakota pulled his pants down and mooned the moderators. California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom, who was in attendance at the event, called it a clown show, but Representative Jim McGovern protested that was a disservice to actual clowns. To show there were no hard feelings, Nikki Haley bailed The Guy From North Dakota out of jail and drove him home. “Nice ass,” she said. “You, too,” he lied.
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| Somebody call Linus, the Great Bumpkin just landed! |
Survivor
Near the end of the second Republican Presidential Debate, Fox News host Dana Perino asked the candidates to replicate the climax of each Survivor episode by voting someone off the primary island. Chris Christie quickly scribbled Trump’s name down but the others fumbled around for a few moments and decided they’d rather not, which once more proves Republicans don’t wanna have fun.
Although Dana’s idea was brilliant, we’d like to take it a step further and isolate The Snarly Seven and a couple of alternates somewhere in the depths of Borneo with nothing but their wits, a bathing suit and one can of Spam each, thus testing their brains, guts, cunning and stamina, all qualities expected in the next president. Not to mention the additional personal enhancements. Haley and Pence could use a little tan, Christie would benefit from the restrictive Sago Diet and Governor Burgum could get a month off from life in North Dakota.
What alliances would be formed in the challenging Kelabit Highlands, what unlikely romances would develop, who would be the first candidate exiled by virtue of his or her menace or downright despicability? Watch as these spoiled politicians stumble through the underbrush setting up lean-tos, filtering water, hunting wild pigs, foraging through dubious rice paddies, determined to suffer through the agonies of monsoons, the threat of headhunters and the total lack of Starbucks franchises. And then, finally, The End, as fireworks boom in the skies and Abba blasts through hidden amps with “The Winner Takes It All” and the audience rises as one to celebrate the victor.. Hold on, it’s a little smoky, and…. are we seeing something odd here….OHMIGAWD, it's Sarah damn Palin! Is it too late to blockade the island?
That's all, folks....
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
