It’s all well and good that Siobhan and Bill have been cavorting around Colorado on a marathon vacation, but who’s watching the ticker-tape machine for those important news stories of the day? Has anyone brought to your attention the creation of the world’s largest baloney sandwich in Lebanon, Pennsylvania? Or told you that The Big Peanut is back on Interstate 75 in south Georgia? Or that Los Angeles naturalists have discovered that a blind, translucent millipede with 486 legs (altogether, the Rockettes only have 72) is slithering around beneath the streets of the city, just waiting for some errant blast of radiation to multiply its size by a million and wipe out life on Earth as we know it? Probably not.
In case you were wondering, 486 legs is not even the national record. The aptly named Illacme plenipes (Latin for “in highest fulfillment of feet”) holds the American title with a whopping 750 limbs, about the same as 93.7 octopi. The plenipes was actually the international champion until 2021 when a millipede with 1,306 legs was found in Australia and immediately signed to a football scholarship by wily Alabama coach Nick Saban. “We’re always looking for a promising field goal kicker,” said Nick. “It only takes one of those legs to be special.”
You Dog, You!
Toco is a Japanese man who always wanted to be a collie, not that there’s anything wrong with that. He even invested $14,000 in a hyper-realistic collie suit that makes him look like the real deal. The human pooch has become a sensation on YouTube, uploading several videos of himself masquerading as a latter-day Lassie, playing fetch, rolling over and engaging in other canine activities. Some of his critics wish that Toco would play dead.
In his most viral video to date, which garnered 3.8 million views, Toco stepped out in public in his costume for the first time ever, parading around busy streets, performing tricks and even interacting with other dogs as astonished onlookers oohed and aahed. The other dogs looked at each other as if to say, “What the hell, Rex?”
Despite insisting he was more comfortable in a sheepdog’s clothing, Toco said he was “nervous” and “scared” venturing out in public, and the reception was mixed, to say the least. “Anybody who spends $14,000 to transform into a collie needs therapy,” scoffed one critic. “You can’t convince me this isn’t some weird kinky sex thing,” said another. The great majority gave him a wide berth, approving or not. “Sit doggie, sit!” was the prevailing reaction.
Nonetheless, Toco doesn’t sweat the comments. “I’m just sad that people think badly of me.” says the man/dog who sometimes plays in a kennel with fake grass. “Everyone has a hobby, right? This just happens to be mine. You remember your dreams from when you were little. You want to be a hero or a wizard. I wanted to be a dog and walk outside. My dream has come true.”
Despite being proud of his pet-amorphosis, Toco takes pains to conceal his puppy proclivities from friends and colleagues. “Sometimes you need a loan from the bank or you’re looking for a romantic partner,” he said. “Difficult to explain you spend most of your time on all fours sniffing the ground and wagging your tail.”
Don’t worry, Toco, you won’t have a bit of trouble getting a credit card.
Sounds Like A Fish Story To Us
In all the kerfuffle of the Ukraine-Russia contretemps, nobody has even mentioned the wily Ukraine navy. Until now. Flying Pie reporters operating out of Kiev have recently discovered the Ukes have restarted a marine mammal program which includes not only training dolphins to search for mines and marking them with buoys, but also “to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads,” according to the RIA Novosti news agency. An unnamed source inside the Ukrainian navy advised the agency that the exercises are being held at the state oceanarium in Sevastopol and described as “counter-combat swimmer tasks in order to defend ships in port and on raids.” Nobody has yet explained how the dolphins are going to pull the triggers.
The old Soviet Union previously had a dolphin program of its own based in Sevastopol until the USSR broke apart. The unit stayed in Sevastopol but ownership was transferred to Ukraine and kept afloat by switching to civilian tasks like working with disabled children. In the station’s earlier incarnation, commandos from the Russian navy once deployed dolphins armed with hypodermic syringes loaded with carbon dioxide attached to their noses. Yeah, we get it---you’re asking what the hell for? So get this. The dolphins were supposed to ram the enemy in the chest cavity with their noses to stimulate the injection. Is this a great James Bond stunt or what?
U.S. Navy personnel scoff at the likelihood Ukraine will be successful with its dolphin attack teams but admit they have their own plans for the savvy mammals, which have been deployed to clear mines, among other things. The U.S. also has its Shallow Water Intruder Detection System, which uses sea lions equipped with a spring-loaded clamp that can be attached to a diver’s leg. The sea lion then swims back to its handlers who can reel in the enemy diver like a snared fish.
Your tax money at work, from sea to shining sea.
We Kind Of Love The Chrysler Building, But It’s All Very Platonic
Alert reader Kathleen Knight, who earlier shined a light on training camps for chickens, is back with news of humans obsessed with inanimate objects. No, not their cars, that would be understandable, especially when you got a look at the appetizing 1957 Ford Thunderbird. Erika LaBrie, 50, who was earlier married to the Eiffel Tower, has strayed from her wedding vows and is now in love with a fence. Not the kind which sells your purloined diamonds for you, the kind which keeps the pigs and chickens in.
LaBrie characterizes herself as an “objectum sexual,” which is a phrase for someone who is drawn romantically or sexually (or both) to inanimate items like a bench or a ball peen hammer. Erika, who was once a champion international archer (falling madly for her bow), can presently be seen straddling a red fence in no uncertain terms in a viral TikTok video, clearly revealing her feelings for the chiseled structure. “Fences are such dangerous objects for me,” she confesses, “because they are so perfect in their geometry. I’m definitely physically attracted to this fence and I would like to get to know him better.”
LaBrie originally encountered the Eiffel Tower in 2004, and it was love at first sight. They married in April of 2007, honeymooning in beautiful Paris. Previously, “when I was young and foolish,” Erika had a relationship with the less fascinating Berlin Wall, which actually inspired a musical theater production.
There are others, of course, more than we’d like to imagine, who have fallen for everything from the Hoover Dam to the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner. Amy Weber, a church organist in Pennsylvania, is in love with an 80-foot magic carpet type ride called the 1001 Nachts, having ridden the beast over 3000 times. South Korean Lee Jin-Gyu is married to his dakimakura, a body pillow he purchased from Japan, which features an image of Fate Testarossa, a girl from an anime series. Lee and his pillow had been dating for six years before the nuptials. Amanda Whittaker, a shop assistant from Leeds, England, is in a long-distance relationship with the Statue of Liberty, the first time she’s been in love since a passionate teenage love affair with a snazzy drum kit. Our favorite, however, is a German woman named Sara Rodo, currently romancing a Boeing 737 she lovingly refers to as Dicki.
Keep the lovelight glowing, kids.
Keep It Clean With Energine
Richard Fish, an eccentric attorney on the old Ally McBeal television show, always insisted on a “clean bowl,” from his officemates, not an unreasonable demand in light of what sometimes happens when less than tidy circumstances prevail.
On a recent Saturday night at Papa Bees restaurant in Longwood, Florida, a clogged toilet led to a huge brawl, police involvement and several arrests. According to a Papa Bees worker, one of the toilets had been crammed with toilet paper by an overwiper in a five-member group of women who were the only customers in the place. The employee, whose job it was to clear the toilet, told the women they had to leave because the restaurant was now closed. One of the women began yelling at the worker, then rose up and smacked her in the nose. The remaining women then “began to join in the punching, kicking, hairpulling and throwing items at the worker,” according to the police report. Other staff at the eatery told police the women threw cups, salt shakers and ketchup at them while they were trying to break up the fight, lending to the appearance of a bloody battle. “We thought everybody was shot,” said one of the arriving cops. “It looked like the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.”
Ultimately, the quintet of brawlers fled but were captured by police in the parking lot and charges of disorderly conduct, battery and criminal mischief were filed against Keiyanda, Kenisha, Tyesha, Jahleigha and Jasmine. Additional charges were filed against Jasmine for having a name not ending in the letter “a” or having any rhyming value.
Detectives said the criminals claimed to be the victims, accusing the bruised and battered employee of pushing them as they got up to leave. “She’s completely full of shit,” testified the offended worker. Or was, anyway.
“Down The Stretch They Stumble!”
And you thought they were extinct for 65 million years. Now the Tyrannosaurus rexes are back. Last weekend at Emerald Downs, a thoroughbred race track in Auburn, Washington, more then 200 people wearing inflatable T-rex dinosaur costumes ran down the track with the race ending in a three-way photo finish. After the dust settled, Ocean Kim of Kailua, Hawaii, was awarded top honors in the 100-yard dash while Deno the Dino of Boise, Idaho finished second and local hero Rex Ray Machine was third.
The 2023 T-Rex World Championships, an event started in 2017 as a pest control company’s team-building activity, has blossomed into a compelling suburban Seattle annual event. “We’re thinking of taking bets on the race next year,” said track president Phil Zeigler. “So many people are coming and commenting on T-Rex Weekend---it’s getting bigger every year. Next year, the University of Washington band will play ‘My Old Seattle Home’ with local resident Marty Jourard on sax and all the women guests will be encouraged to wear gigantic hats. Our version of the mint julep will be a mix of Starbucks Coffee and Crystal Head Vodka, which beats the Derby drink by ten lengths. We expect over 250 dinosaurs and another two dozen pterodactyls for the air show. Y’all come! There’s nothing like the sound of a couple hundred dinosaurs rumbling down the track!”
Seabiscuit would be proud.
That’s all, folks….
