While clog-dancing slackers have been running hither and yon holding bluegrass concerts and dressing up like Lash LaRue, important News of the World goes unreported. The Flying Pie rushes into the breach to rectify the situation and turn down the music for a day. So reach for your pipe, call for your bowl and ignore your fiddlers three.
Would You Like Fries With That?
Candace Chapman Scott, 36, is in trouble. The former Arkansas mortuary services employee was recently found to be breaking a few yard sale laws in the Razorback state after peddling 20 boxes of unlicensed goods like human skin and skulls to a customer from Pennsylvania. Ms. Scott was charged with 12 counts of mail fraud, wire fraud and interstate transportation of stolen cadavers for fun and profit. A lawyer representing Candace did not immediately return a phone call from nosy reporters because….well, what can you say? “My client is legally blind and mistook the body parts for old shoes?”
According to court documents, Scott worked for a company that offered commercial cremation services. One of their clients was an anatomy lab at the University of Arkansas which used donated cadavers for medical education and research. “They’ll never miss a couple of these bonesacks,” thought Candace. She contacted a wacko private Facebook group called Oddities, which bills itself as “a safe way to shop,” praising their nifty catalogue and asking, “Just out of curiosity, would you know anyone in the market for a fully intact embalmed brain?”
Well, now that you mention it, Ms. Scott….
Candace promptly sent photos of two brains and a heart, which sold via PayPal to a nice man in Enola, Pa. for 1200 smackers. Over the next month, the fellow purchased an ear, an arm, lungs. livers, kidneys, hands, breasts, penises, fetuses, skin, skulls and one whole human head for $10,975. And you thought Dr. Frankenstein was a busy little fellow. After each sale, Scott returned the rest of the cremated remains to the school. Nobody weighs the ashes, right?
In July, alas, a stupefied plumber called the local police precinct to report finding human organs and skin resting in three five-gallon buckets in Pauley’s basement, which tells us clearly that it’s always wise to hire a very liberal fixit man. Law enforcement officials intervened, confiscated all remains and intercepted a set of packages just as they were being shipped to Scranton. Somewhere in northeastern Pennsylvania, an anxious customer sits forlornly waiting for his anticipated package of mauve noses. “This is outrageous,” he sputters, angrily. “Next time I’m sticking with Amazon.”
Nasyrova (l) and victim Olga Tsvyk. Olga's sticking with the Cheesecake Factory from now on.
Well, Everybody Can’t Be Miss Congeniality
You have to watch out for those Russian immigrant women. If they’re not marrying rich shlubs for eventual divorce revenues, they’re poisoning their doppelgangers with sedative-laced cheesecake, then stealing their identification and other assorted valuables.
A jury of her peers recently convicted Viktoria Nasyrova, 47, of attempted murder, assault and being a very mean person in Queens District Court, earning her a nice seven year sentence. The New York Post reported the judge who delivered Nasyrova’s sentence called her “an extremely dangerous woman with a diabolical scheme,” earning the arbiter some serious spittle and a few Russian curse words as Viktoria left the courtroom.
Nasyrova’s lawyer, Jose Nieves, told NPR that he is filing an appeal against the verdict and sentencing. “So she’s not such a nice girl,” he remarked. “Little bitches deserve justice, too.
Florida Man Returns For An Encore
A Florida man was arrested in DeBary recently after breaking into two homes while naked and coated in wheel-bearing grease, peppermint oil and blood. A sheriff’s office video shows Blake Tokman fleeing from deputies by diving into a pool, swimming to the other side and jumping on a trampoline. When all that didn’t work, he began kicking and punching at the lawmen until subdued by a burly quartet. Tokman was charged with two counts of occupied burglary, three counts of battery and two counts of criminal mischief while using wheel-bearing grease. The arrestee’s only comment was, “I was in a college fraternity too long. I never got over it.”
Meanwhile, Florida Man Travis Jordan, 39, was arrested and charged with disturbing the peace after an incident at Kennedy’s Lamp Post tavern in Cape Canaveral. Witnesses at the bar told responding officers that Travis pulled out a concealed machete after his request to sing a karaoke song was rudely denied. “What’s wrong with ‘Melancholy Baby?’ he wanted to know.
A Florida Man is accused of driving a stolen vehicle into a Space Force Base in Brevard County during what he called a “a mission from the President of the United States.” Corey Johnson, 29, purloined a truck in Riviera Beach and headed to Patrick Space Force Base after the president told him “in my mind” about an incursion of aliens and Chinese dragons. Turned out it was only a bunch of college kids from MIT on Spring break, but that can be just as scary.
A Florida man gave a whole new meaning to the term “cut and run” when he jumped on his John Deere lawnmower in an attempt to evade police in Okaloosa County. Dusty Mobley, 40, was eventually apprehended after a bizarre police chase ended up with Dusty jumping into a swamp and being laid low by a stun gun. The cops were trying to serve warrants on Mobley for prior malfeasances of justice involving hookers, alligators and a stolen airboat. There must be a song in there somewhere.
Insecurity
You smug people in the Pre-check line at the airport are missing out on all the fun. You never get to see the TSA officials pull out cattle prods from guitar bags or long knives hidden inside whole enchiladas like we proles do. Dead sea horses in a liquor bottle? We got ‘em. Metal chastity belts setting off alarms? Them, too. On St. Patrick’s Day, TSA personnel at Southwest Florida International Airport stopped a miscreant who was carrying an entire gas canister. “He was miffed,” said the security crew. “Said he was taking Greyhound from now on.”
There was a bit of a stir at Indianapolis International Airport when TSA officers discovered an explosive suicide vest with electric matches and bags of potassium chloride and titanium powder in a man’s checked bag. “C’mon!” he protested. “I checked it through.” He wasn’t a terrorist though. Just an explosives instructor with a fully deactivated vest that he used during lessons. Oh, right! That’s what they all say. If that’s us monitoring the bags, we’re erring on the side of caution. TSA officials say they once stopped a guy with an AT4 recoilless shoulder-mounted anti-tank launcher in his bag. He claimed it was for “Possible future mercenary” shenanigans. They didn’t give it back so now he has to use an AK 47 like the rest of us.
A passenger at Miami International once showed up with a bag of live eels--163 of them--not to mention 22 invertebrates. Another guy at Ft. Lauderdale International had a batch of clay pots in his bag, not illegal unless you have a human skull in one of them. Airport officials in Schenectady were scurrying around like chickens minus heads when they thought they had a dead kid in a suitcase. Turned out to be a ventriloquist’s dummy, closely resembling Mortimer Snerd. Just in case you were wondering why the TSA keeps all those blood pressure monitors behind the counters.
I Don’t Know Much About Art But….
One of the least appreciated things in the world is the poor pothole. Pick up a $3 newspaper anywhere and the editorial page will be full of letters kvetching about the sad things. “I wouldn’t mind paying taxes,” is the typical whine, “if they’d just use the money to fix the potholes.” But they don’t, favoring more bike lanes, speed bumps and traffic circles. Pretty soon all the hundreds of traffic circles in Gainesville will merge and turn the place into a gringo version of Guadalajara.
An amateur street artist in Manchester, England calling himself “Wanksy” had just about enough of these potholes and took dramatic action. Armed with a colorful selection of industrial chalks, he set out to draw a nice collection of penises around the potholes. “These things are never filled for months,” Wanksy complained to BBC’s Newsbeat. “Suddenly you draw something they don’t like, they’re out here fixing it next day.”
The Manchester town council is apoplectic about the “obscene art” and would like Wanksy to cut it out. “These disgusting drawings do not get potholes filled any faster,” claims a miffed representative of the city, lying through his teeth. “Oh right,” smiles the outlaw artist. “The other day I painted one and the cleanup crew almost ran over me getting to it. I barely dodged the bobbies.”
Wanksy the Magnificent. Long live his fame and long live his glory and long may his story be told.
It’s not every day that someone inadvertently joins a search party looking for herself. It could only happen in Iceland, where the missing tourist participated in an intense weekend-long hunt near Eldgja Canyon in the country’s southern volcanic region. Apparently the mixup occurred during a sightseeing trip when the woman broke off from her travel group and changed clothes, according to the Reykjavic Grapevine,
When the unnamed party returned to her bus in a different outfit, the rest of the group failed to recognize her and a missing person bulletin went out; “Asian, dark clothing, speaks English well.” She read it, felt sympathetic and began to assist in the search. Hours later, approaching 3 a.m., the search party finally realized their blunder and called off the hunt. Emily Litella was called in to address the weary search party. “Never mind!” she smiled, apologetically.
Oh, Shit!
Have you---like I---ever wondered where that stuff you deposited in your airline toilet really goes, or do you prefer not knowing? Well, a Canadian woman named Stephanie Moore has a good idea where some of it went. The 36-year-old teacher was staying overnight with her mother after a trip to Cuba when both were awakened by a thunderous crashing sound and woke up to find a huge hole in the hallway ceiling and a lump of “blue ice” sitting in a puddle of water nearby.
Ms. Moore told CBC News, “At first I just thought we had a little damage to the ceiling. I had no idea it went through the roof.” Insurance appraisers and roof repairmen said it was a first for them. “The roof was solid as a rock, but frozen excrement dropped from 30,000 feet is unpredictable. Sometimes it melts on impact, sometimes it rockets through metal. Good thing it doesn’t happen more often.”
The case has been given to Sergeant Preston of the Yukon who brooks no nonsense and is avidly pursuing the matter. The frozen excrement has been deposited at RCMP headquarters for safekeeping. And yes, it’s in the freezer.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
