Thursday, March 23, 2023

News Of The World

A few weeks ago, you could fly a herd of elephants over the White House and noone would raise an eyebrow.  Jetpack-man was dive-bombing the Pentagon, passengers in the Goodyear Blimp were dropping PB&J sandwiches on tourists at the Washington Monument and impolite citizens in hot air balloons were peeking in Mitch McConnell’s bedroom windows.  All the merriment and mirth came to a crashing halt when the evil Chinese government sent a spy balloon over WAWA headquarters in Pennsylvania to learn the secrets of their success.  Mild-mannered Joe Biden was forced to put on his Superman outfit, jump in a warplane and blast the thing out of the sky.  Ever since, various elements of the U.S. Air Force have been firing away, dispatching all manner and make of unidentified flying objects, or at least the real slow ones.  Good thing Santa got his work done before the flyboys got their adrenaline injections.

Things like the Chinese spy balloon, the George Santos scandals (everybody knows he’s Anthony Weiner in disguise) and Rihanna’s Super Bowl swaddling clothes keep the nation’s press occupied and the general public, alas, knows none of the rest of the news.  We here at The Flying Pie are aware of the problem and more than ready to fill in the reporting gaps.  Just don’t ask us to cover the ongoing border crisis, which will never end.  The last time we crossed the border, rascals left two Mexican narcotics agents bound and gagged in our trunk.  Try explaining that to customs.

Whoomp!  There it is.

Ever since 9-11, firemen, police officers, EMTs, military personnel and members of the Rasmussen University ROTC have been elevated to exalted status even though the closest they ever got to the twin towers was Dubuque.  The other day in the Salt Lake City airport, a senior citizen saluted a uniformed lavatory worker and said, “Thank you for your service!”  The workman saluted back and smiled “Rad, man.  We’ll have new urinal cakes in the p.m.” 

There are a few heroes out there, however, among them the rugged crew at Junction Fire Company in Mifflin County, Georgia, which responded to an urgent call from desperate citizen Erin Meixel, whose daughter Quinnley had somehow got her head stuck in a cake pan and couldn’t get it back out again.  All the king’s horses and all the king’s men in Quinnley’s neighborhood had given it a tug to no avail, but the fearless firemen were undaunted.  “When we got there, she was wearing the pan like a shawl around her shoulders,” one of the boys said.  “She was a trooper, though.  She could still eat and drink with the pan around her.  Apparently, this sort of thing runs in the family.  The mom testified that as a child she got her legs stuck in a plastic chair and had to be cut out by a roving platoon of boy scouts.”  The Junction boys simply cut the pan in two places with tin snips and voila! Quinnley was finally freed from her ordeal.  “I might do it again,” allowed the little girl.  “They give you SO much ice cream you wouldn’t believe it.”

Woody Woodpecker Lives

Worldly-wise Nick Castro of Nick’s Extreme Pest Control has seen it all, from a planeload of rats to a house taken over by German cockroaches (they had to burn it down).  Well, almost all.  Expecting to find a dead animal inside the wall of a Glen Ellen, California home where residents reported seeing maggots and mealworms emerging from one corner, Castro cut a hole in the wall of a second floor bedroom and was instantly inundated with acorns pouring from the opening.  Nick and his colleagues eventually discovered the acorns were piled 20 feet high inside the wall and weighed about 700 pounds.  A technician investigating outside the home discovered woodpeckers had been poking holes in the chimney stack and stashing acorns for the past two to five years.  The acorns eventually fell through into the wall cavity.  Castro and company took about eight hours to remove the nuts, much to the consternation of the hard-working woodpeckers.  We’re sympathetic with the birds.  Chuck LeMasters will tell you what it feels like when interlopers rummage through your property seizing your stash, and he’s liable to use a few cuss words.  When we were kids, Woody Woodpecker, after winning the day, unfailingly finished each cartoon adventure with his signature ha-ha-ha-ha-ha laugh.  This time the laugh was on Woody.

Let Them Eat Cake

In case you were wondering, the Guinness World Record for wearable cake dresses is now held by Natasha Coline Kim fah Lee Fokas of the SweetyCakes GmbH bakery in Switzerland.  Natasha’s creation weighs in at a staggering 289 pounds, 13 ounces and was created for the Swiss Wedding World Expo in Bern.  Just thought you’d like to know.

Oh No, Not That!

Everyone’s a critic, and German ballet director Marco Goecke is not going to stand for it any more.  The Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung newspaper reported that a furious Goecke approached its dance critic, Wiebke Huester during the interval at a premiere at Hannover’s opera house recently and asked what she was doing there.  The two didn’t know one another personally, but Goecke apparently felt provoked by a recent review the critic wrote of a production he staged in The Hague, Netherlands.  He threatened to ban her from the ballet and accused her of being responsible for the cancellation of several season tickets in Hannover.  He then pulled out a paper bag filled with animal feces and smeared her face with the contents.  This bold renegade did not carve a Z with his blade, simply walked off through the packed theater foyer leaving Wiebke with….er, mud on her face.  In a statement posted on its website, the opera house apologized for the shitty treatment and banned Marco until he apologizes profusely, completes a course in public relations and washes his hands 700 times.

We’ve Bin There In The Sixties

A tipsy Australian woman found herself in trouble recently after a night of heavy imbibing at Surfer’s Paradise on Queensland’s Gold Coast.  The unnamed victim (Aussie newspapers are kinder to ladies than ours) somehow dropped her cell phone into a streetside trash bin and it fell to the bottom.  If it had been mere diamond earrings or a string of pearls, she might have abandoned them then and there but no woman we know is going anywhere without her cell phone.  Trying to rescue the elusive object, she fell upside down into the garbage, her legs sticking out the top.  A sympathetic friend stood by but refused to climb in to help.  “You know this is my best dress, Rebecca, no way am I going in that thing,” the woman protested as a man with a video camera went to work filming the odd event.  According to the Daily Mail Australia, after a few minutes of jolly good fun, the guilty cameraman climbed in, rearranged the victim and eventually pulled her out.  You want to know about the phone, don’t you?  It was fine.  The rescuer, on leaving, couldn’t resist imparting some good advice.  “Don’t drink and dive,” he admonished.  The sooty woman retorted, “I was  perfectly sober, my good friend, any reports to the contrary are a load of rubbish.”  She should know it when she sees it.

Ach Du Lieber!

The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile has been dogged by bad luck on its recent tour of the country.  During a lost weekend in February, the 27-foot-long vehicle topped off a series of bad days in Las Vegas, where CBS affiliate KLAS TV reported the Wienermobile had its catalytic converter stolen.  As a result, the engine just couldn’t cut the mustard and the thing was towed in to a local truck rental facility.  Employee Joseph Rodriguez was startled when he came to work.  “No way you expect to see a famous hot-dog truck in the middle of your bay,” he said.  “People were everywhere, taking pictures.  We put a temporary catalytic converter on so the Wienermobile could make a scheduled appearance.  Good thing, too.  There’s a four-month waiting list for new converters.  In any case, I relished the experience.”  Recently, thefts of catalytic converters have skyrocketed since they’re relatively easy to steal and can be resold for upwards of $1000.  “Frankly, it’s an outrage,” sniffed Wienermobile driver Francis Donatello, who couldn’t help but smile.

The Latest Adventures Of Florida Man

A Mount Dora woman recently awakened to find a burglar asleep on her couch holding one of her kitchen knives.  This sort of thing just doesn’t happen in serene Mount Dora so homeowner Judith Smolinski didn’t get too excited.  “I was in my kitchen making coffee, when I heard loud snoring,” she said.  “I walked in the living room and there he was on the couch, all wrapped up in my blanket.”  Interloper Duane Immich, 26, apparently had burglarized several nearby businesses before purloining a beer from Judith’s refrigerator and deciding to take a nap.  The culprit was booked into the Lake County jail on charges of theft, breaking and entering and being a dumbhead.

Florida Man knows no bounds.  In Winnipeg, Florida Man Rondell Johnson barged into the Crosstown Civic Credit Union and robbed the place at gunpoint.  Johnson was wearing a dress, blonde wig, gloves and a mask.  Adding to his womanly ensemble were two nerf balls used as breasts.  “I thought he looked rather fetching,” remarked arresting police constable Frances Preston.  “Nothing a breast reduction wouldn’t cure.  His outfit was smashing, actually.” 

Earlier, recent Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum, a loser by the width of a mauve nose to current governor Ron DeSantis, was discovered in a Miami Beach hotel room with a male escort and a bit of crystal meth.  “He was too intoxicated to answer questions,” police advised and charges are currently pending.  The cops were called to the Mondrian South Beach hotel when Gillum’s partner apparently overdosed and collapsed.  “Andrew is definitely qualified for governor now,” said ex-supporter Taylor Lea.  “He’s a regular Florida Man with all the bells and whistles.” 

Charges are pending?

That’s all, folks….