In our continuing effort to keep our readers abreast of important world events, The Flying Pie feels obligated to point out the rising epidemic of Pickleball, a game so tame even the Pope and his cardinals can play in full regalia without once falling down. Why “Pickleball?” We’re not sure. Joan Pritchard, wife of the inventor, Joel, started to use the name because “the combination of different sports involved reminded me of the pickle boat in crew where oarsmen were chosen from the leftovers of other boats.” Friend Barney McCallum argues that the game was named after the Pritchards’ dog, Kosher Dill. Either way, the unassuming title of the game is indicative of the attitude of most of its players, largely folks over fifty with lumbago, replacement joints and dubious speed. “We just play for fun,” says Sharon Cinnie of Ocala, Florida. “Although my husband Picklemaster John occasionally gets irritated with some old trash-talker and tries to knock his beak off.” Now, now….
Although most of the current generation of Pickleball players seem to think the game will remain a sedate backyard alternative to Wiffleball, other sports of plebeian origin have taken off from their simple beginnings and risen to unlikely peaks. Take the curious sport of Curling, which traces back to 16th-century Scotland, where ragamuffins who couldn’t afford hockey sticks took their brooms and stones out onto the frozen lochs and swept away their winter blues. Scottish immigrants spread the sport to Canada in 1807, then the U.S. in 1828. By the 1924 Olympics in Chamonix, France, Curling had become a medal sport and forever enhanced the fate of Scotland’s Ailsa Craig, an island where all the granite stones are harvested. “Hey laddie—you want a broom with that?”
We are somewhat uncomfortable about discussing another cheap and popular sport now called Cornhole, the title of which had a distinctly different meaning when we were kids. To us, the sport is merely glorified Beanbag, its main constituents being bored tailgaters waiting for someone to bring the Doritos and beans. Nevertheless, Cornhole has outstripped its meager beginnings and now top players make up to $60,000 a year. Every year, hordes of aspirants line up to vie for the coveted title of King of Cornhole at the American Cornhole Association Super Hole. Say what you will, it’s a bugger of a tournament.
We’re Not Gherkin You Around
A Pickleball court is 44 feet long by 20 feet wide, about a third the size of a tennis court and the same size as a badminton doubles court. The court stripes are similar to those of a tennis court as they both include a left and right service court, although the Pickleball court has a 7-foot non-volley zone in front of the net called a “kitchen.” The Pickleball net is lower than a tennis net at 36 inches at the sidelines and 34 in the middle.
The paddle used looks like an oversized ping-pong paddle and is made of wood, aluminum, graphite or fiberglass cores and frames. The ball is made of plastic and contains between 26 and 40 holes, similar to a Wiffleball. There are different balls for playing indoors and outdoors, the latter being a little heavier and tougher with smaller holes to allow faster movement.
Pickleball is available for singles or doubles play, although the kids at the assisted living center mainly play doubles. Taunting about physical deficiencies is allowed for players under 80, as is gambling and wife-swapping, although wives must be returned to their husbands at the conclusion of the contest. The game is similar to tennis with the exception that only the serving team may score points. Pickleball is played to 11 points like badminton, but a win must be by two points, as in volleyball.
Civility is very much encouraged in Pickleball. Cuss words are frowned upon and may be punished by your league elders with temporary suspension, reduction of court time or requiring the offender to wear a backwards MAGA cap and stand in the corner. Contestants are not allowed to wear extremely low-cut blouses, Speedos or in the case of older men, short shorts without underwear. Rackets may be inspected at any time by the referee for performance-enhancing substances, although players are free to imbibe, inject or inhale their drugs of choice. Contestants are required to keep their emotions under control whatever the circumstances and there is no crying in Pickleball.
Let the games begin.
Ten Girls For Every Boy
“The Villages swings like a pendulum do,”---Roger Miller
Speaking of retirees always reminds us of our lively pals down at The Villages of Republican Sin, south of Ocala, otherwise known as The Action Capital For Oldsters. Recently the villagers have adopted the pineapple, the Mexican symbol of friendship, for hanky-panky advertising purposes. Nowadays, if there is a pineapple hanging on your door, you are an admitted swinger looking for love in all the ripe places. If there’s a pineapple on the mailbox, that means there’s a swinger party going on, so don’t drop in for quoits or quilting.
Everybody makes fun of The Villages, but what’s not to like? There’s no rap music down there, no squawling tykes at the concerts, ample weed dispensaries and the laws against public displays of affection are lightly enforced. Surf City has two girls for every boy, but The Villages has ten, and an extensive Viagra black market. The median home price in The Villages is $360,000 as opposed to similar communities in California, where the average is $626,000, wildfires and mudslides included. If you like golf, you’ve hit the jackpot---there’s a course on every corner right next to the Walgreen’s. And where else in Florida can you go to see Merle Haggard? You don’t even need a car. Forget about being robbed in the Walmart parking lot, your chances of being a crime victim in The Villages is 1/879 as opposed to 1/258 in the rest of Florida. “Yeah, and there’s ten swingin’ honeys for every guy/And all you gotta do is just wink your eye/Ten girls for every boy!”
The Guys Of Texas Are Upon You
Before you pack your sex toys and condoms for The Villages, consider an alternative. Men’s Health magazine says the most sex-crazed city in the country is Austin, Texas. We know that was true in 1962, but still? Bob Simmons, our faithful Pie reporter and a part-time Austin resident advises that the poll was taken before he started spending six months a year in San Francisco and therefore might be inaccurate.
On a slow week, the magazine crunched data for condom sales, sex toys, birth rates and sexually transmitted disease totals from 100 large U.S. cities and the capital of Texas rang the gong. Austin led in condom sales and was 15th in births, which makes a person wonder about the quality of the condoms. The city is also 23rd in STDs. Now a reasonable legal scholar might argue there’s no proof those condoms are being put to use but the majority of people who buy cigarettes like to smoke them, right? Besides, the magazine staff can’t follow everyone around without getting a sketchy reputation and a few shots to the solar plexus.
The Lone Star State’s randy reputation is enhanced by Dallas, which finished number 2, Arlington at number 7 and Houston at #10. Unsurprisingly, Columbus, Ohio finished third because there’s nothing else to do there. Oklahoma City somehow finished eighth, obviously due to ballot box stuffing. Anyone who has spent time there knows that the entire population of OKC is either at the rodeo or the softball game.
All of which leaves us to wonder about the cities with the least action. Portland, Maine leads the pack because it’s too cold to take off your clothes there. Same with Manchester, N.H. at number 5, Hartford at 7, Buffalo at number 8 and poor little Burlington, Vermont at #2. Reno, Nevada is a slight shocker at number 9, but then again everyone is bowling there seven nights a week. St. Petersburg, Florida, which is trying to change its elderly image is a depressing sixth, probably due to the recent expansion of lighted shuffleboard courts. They were hoping the Dali Museum would help sex things up but Salvador, himself, might not be enough to pull Pinellas County out of the trough.
If we had to guess, Gainesville would be on the first list and Ocala the second. Between the University of Florida and Santa Fe College, there are over 75,000 college students in G’ville and a lot of beer, whereas Ocala is packed with Republican retirees, horse stall muckers and rodeo clowns. All the Marion County sex fiends have moved to The Villages, and it’s not for the Pickleball.
Sex In The Graveyard
Grandchildren, prepare to shade your eyes and run in fear. The National Poll On Healthy Aging from the University of Michigan claims that 65% of people in the 65-80 age group aver to be “still interested in sex.” I guess the poor regiment of those of us over 80 have been consigned to the dungheap or considered dead. The only thing we ever get asked is how we liked our last stay at the Hampton Inn.
In the poll of 1002 adults of the above age group, 60% were married or had partners, 15% were divorced or separated, 12% were widowed and 7% never married. Fifty-four percent of those in a relationship claimed to be sexually active and seven percent of single respondents reported likewise. Overall, 74% said sex is an important aspect of a romantic relationship at any age.
Still, old age gradually erodes interest, even with Viagra. Forty-six percent of 65-70 year-olds reported being sexually active compared to 39% of 71-75 year-olds and 25% of 76-80 year-olds. Men, if goes without saying, were more likely to be sexually active than women, 51% to 31%, even with those girls from The Villages.
We octogenarians are irked no end to be tossed off the testosterone truck. What do you think we’re doing out here, whittling song birds? It wasn’t easy, but we finally tracked down information from the Daily Mail in New Zealand which states that up to 40% of eighty-year-olds are still sexually active and will be having fun, fun, fun til someone takes their V-bird away. Another study from the University of California showed---now hear this, girls---that having sex once a week slowed aging in women, even if they didn’t particularly enjoy it. It’s like when you’re a kid and your mom assures you you’ll live to a ripe old age if you’ll just eat your Brussels sprouts. Women’s telomeres lengthen with regular lovemaking, like it or not, and grousing in the goodie dampens stress and boosts the female immune system.
Get ready, Nana. Grandpa just got the good news and he’s on the way over with his vacuum pump.
That’s all, folks….
