In Politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”---Napoleon
If you were on the Last Tango team, you’re in the same league as Tarzan; if you find yourself in a bind you can loudly call the rest of the apes and they will come. Gary Gordon, co-emcee of the affair with the apolitical Will Thacker, decided now was the time to run for mayor of Gainesville. He ascended the nearest mountain, let out a roar and the Hominidae came a-runnin’. So here we are, gathered together in a neo-brewery, lookin’ for love in all the old places, wondering how you get a man from here to there. Probably the first thing to remember is not to do what the guys below did:
Oopsy!
1. Running for a second term in 1976, President Gerald Ford declared during a debate, “There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe and there never will be under a Ford administration.” This is like a local saying there are no gigantic buildings blocking out the sun in Gainesville. Moderator Max Frankel gave Ford a chance to recant but he demurred.
Suggestion: When debating with smart people, write the correct answers to touchy questions on the inside of your arm. If the moderator gives you a second chance, giggle and say, “Did I say Door Number One? It’s obviously Door Number 3.” This clever ploy only works once, so use it with discretion.
2. During a speech in 2004, Democratic candidate Howard Dean began enthusiastically shouting the names of states where he was about to campaign, then he let out a sudden piercing shriek forever to be known as the Dean Scream.
Suggestion: Never scream in public unless you detect a fire or someone has stolen your pants. People appreciate decorum. There is never an occasion when any reasonable person should enthusiastically scream “DELAWARE!” or worse, “NEW JERSEY!” Behave.
3. Democratic candidate Edmund Muskie was interviewed outdoors during a snowstorm in February, 1972. Perhaps because of the snow melting on his uncovered noggin, Muskie appeared to have tears streaming down his face. The perceived show of emotion damaged his image as a strong and even-tempered politician.
Suggestion: Always remember the immortal words of manager Tom Hanks---“There’s no CRYING in politics!” It’s downright unseemly. New Englanders don’t even cry over frostbite, bad clam seasons or the loss of Provincetown to transvestites. Stiff upper lip!
4. During the famous 1960 Kennedy-Nixon debates, Kennedy appeared vivacious and polished while Nixon was gaunt and sweaty. That sharp contrast is often cited as a factor in Kennedy’s triumph.
Suggestion: When your TV debate opponent is better-looking, funnier and smarter than you, dress up as Yoda and answer all the questions backwards. They’ll never know. And hey---everybody likes Yoda.
5. William Henry Harrison’s 1841 Inaugural speech, the longest in history, amounted to 8445 words or about 5 Flying Pies. Moreover, he gave it in sub-zero temperatures without coat, hat or gloves. This led to pneumonia which doctors tried to cure with leeches, heated cups and live snakes. No good. Harrison bought the farm after just one month in office.
Suggestion: When making bad-weather speeches, keep a hot water bottle in your shorts and nip on Carolina Reaper peppers. Failing that, give your oration on the steps of the Mayo Clinic. They have the best leeches and their snakes are fresh out of Johns Hopkins Medical School.
Bozos
Where have all the funny politicians gone, long time passing? Where are the Harry Trumans, the JFKs, the Dan Quayles, the Spiro Agnews? It’s a vast wasteland out there in Politicoland, devoid of giggles, let alone guffaws. The best we can come up with now is a few sad pols who are unintentionally funny. Like these guys:
Gainesville’s own Ted Yoho is a repository of brilliant quotes. He once claimed “One side of our government, or two-thirds of it is running 100 miles an hour toward socialism,” and that conservatives like him are “like Fred and Barney in the Flintstone-mobile, trying to stop that.” Other parallels to dinosaur-era thinking are abundant.
Ted was also outraged by a proposed tax on tanning-beds. “I had an Indian doctor in our office the other day, very dark-skin and two non-dark-skinned people. I asked ‘Have you ever been to a tanning booth?’ And he goes, ‘No, no need.’ So therefore the tax is a racist tax and I thought I might need to go get to a sun-tanning booth twice so that I can come out and say I got taxed because of the color of my skin.”
Say what?
Yoho is a large-animal veterinarian. Think of Ted as madman Joe McCarthy if the latter could deliver a calf.
2. Representative Joe Barton (R.-Tex.) Claimed “Carbon dioxide is not a pollutant because I am creating it as I talk to you. It’s in your Coca-Cola, your Dr. Pepper, your Perrier water.” Then he apologized to BP CEO Tony Hayward after the White House urged BP to create a Gulf oil-spill relief fund, saying it was “a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown”
Barton, also the Chairman emeritus of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, later walked back his BP remark thusly: “If anything I said this morning has been misconstrued to the opposite effect, I want to apologize for that misconstrued misconstruction.”
Apology accepted, Joe. After all, British petroleum companies deserve to be represented in Congress, too.
3. Senator Rand Paul (R.-Ky.) “With regard to the idea that you have a right to health care, you have to realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a physician. That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me. It means you believe in slavery. It means you’re going to enslave not only me but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses.”
Rand, you little twit! How could you forget the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker? That guy who wipes off your windshield at the stoplight? The nanny who tucked you in last night?
Once, after a beef with the American Board of Opthalmology,Paul created his own board and certified himself. On another occasion, when asked in the House of Representatives if he would like to be recognized, Rand whipped out a hand mirror, took a look and smiled, “Yep, it’s me, alright!”
Think Doogie Howser, post-retirement.
4. State Representative Gordon Klingenschmidtt (R-Colo.) Also a former Navy chaplain, Gordon has repeatedly bragged about performing a gay exorcism to rid a woman of “the foul spirit of lesbianism.” He also tried to perform a long-distance exorcism on President Obama because of some arcane matter with the NSA, but alas, it didn’t work. Klingy avers that Obamacare causes cancer and that Barack’s former FCC Chairman was driven by the devil to molest and visually rape your children.” Has anybody else noticed the wacko element’s obsession with pedophilia? Whassup with that?
5. Representative Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) In a hearing about adding military personnel on the island of Guam said “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.” Laugh if you will but consider how much it might cost to raise Guam from the bottom of the sea.
6. Governor Paul LaPage (R-Me.) Refused to attend Martin Luther King Day activities, claiming the NAACP is a special interest, adding “Tell ‘em to kiss my butt.” Also said that a Democratic state leader “claims to be for the people but he’s the first one to give it to the people without providing Vaseline.”
Governor Paul also urged a repeal of Maine’s ban on the plastics chemical component, BPA. “It’s not one bit dangerous,” he swears. Put it in the microwave and heat it up, maybe it gives off a chemical similar to estrogen. So the worst thing that could happen is maybe some women get little beards.”
Think Don Rickles mated with pot-au-feu.
One-Liners
1. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, on hearing his wife was in prison (though only to speak with prisoners):
“I’m not surprised, but what for?”
2. Ted Kennedy, while discussing Victoria Reggie:
“She’s a wonderful, wonderful person and we’re looking for a happy and wonderful night….er, I mean LIFE together.”
3. Jim Hightower, Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the 41st President:
“If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush’s head.”
4. U.S. Congresswoman Patricia Schroeder, when asked by a male colleague how she could be a mother and a congresswoman at the same time.:
“I have a brain and a uterus and I use both.”
5. Napoleon Bonaparte, explaining his tactics in conquering Europe:
“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
6. President Nixon during a 1977 interview with David Frost:
“I would not like to be a Russian leader. They never know when they’re being taped.”
7. President Lincoln, on human nature:
“I am a great believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be counted upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts. And beer.”
8. President Calvin Coolidge, sharing his insights on the complexities of the labor market:
“When large numbers of people are unable to find work, unemployment results.”
9. Humorist P.J. O’Rourke on the two political parties:
“The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller and get the chickenweed out of your yard. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, then they get elected and prove it.”
Longshots
We used to think a candidate for President required character, a modicum of intelligence, some political experience and a good plan. Now, we know better. If Donald Trump can be elected, so can Clarabell the Clown, Spongebob SquarePants or that guy at the interstate highway ramp with the sign stating, “Will work for NRA money.” A few of the following guys are still around. Maybe they should give it another shot.
Vermin Love Supreme is a performance artist and all-around flake best known for walking around with a boot on his head and carrying the world’s largest toothbrush. If elected, he promised to pass a law requiring every one to brush twice daily (good start). He also promised everyone in the nation a free pony and was a proponent of amping up zombie apocalypse awareness. Not bad. Health conscious, animal lover, devoted to the nation’s defense. Could be worse.
Jello Biafra, legendary frontman for the Dead Kennedys and certified punk guru, attempted to snake the 2000 Green Party nomination from boring old Ralph Nader, but lost out. Biafra, whose running mate was death row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal, promised to enact a higher minimum wage law, abolish the military and lower the voting age to five. His popularity waned with blue-collar voters when they discovered he had earlier written a song called “Kill The Poor.”
Albert (“The Impaler”) Sharkey, an ex-wrestler, ran once but without the guidance of a good press agent. Albert is a self-proclaimed vampire who only drinks the blood of women because “women are beautiful….they have such lovely necks and arms.” He’s tough on crime, promising to torture and impale criminals, and is the only candidate to have recorded an entire album of Elvis Presley songs. “2024 will be here before you know it,” says Albert. We’re wondering if that’s a good thing.
Comedian Pat Paulsen was approached by the Smothers Brothers about running for President in 2008. “Why not?” he wondered, being between jobs. “The job has a pension plan, you get a lot of money when you retire and you meet bodacious women.” The public was properly amused but put off by Pat’s replies to many campaign questions. For instance, he might say “I feel that is too directly bound to its own anguish to be anything but a cry of negation, carrying within itself the seeds of its own destruction. However, to get to the heart of the matter, I will come right to the point and take note of the fact that the heart of the issue, in the final analysis, escapes me.”
Offputting, perhaps, but Pat did come in second in the New Hampshire Democratic Primary with 921 votes.
Joan Jett didn’t win in 1992 but she had the best slogan---“Lick Bush in 1992!” No quitter she, Jett refurbished her slogan and ran again four years later, inviting voters to “Lick Slick Willie in 1996!” We can hardly wait to see what she comes up with this time.
That’s all, folks….
