It’s official. Americans promise not to panic at government revelations that Unidentified Flying Objects are not meteors, weather balloons or overly large clusters of very fast fireflies, and they might even be piloted by aliens from outer space. A survey conducted by the reliable Pew Research Center, a nonpartisan think tank in Washington D.C., found that approximately 65% of U.S. citizens agree that UFOs exist and 51% believe that ETs are at the controls. This is not big news to Gary Borse of Fairfield, Florida, who’s been having breakfast with them for years. “They’re big on orange juice,” says Borse, “but think that sausages are vile. And don’t even ask about tater tots.”
The newest Pentagon report revealed that military aviators recorded 144 unidentified aerial phenomena sightings between 2004 and 2021, of which only one could be identified. The report did not describe any UAPs as extraterrestrial in origin, instead stating “There are probably multiple types of UAP requiring different explanations based on the range of appearances and behaviors described in the available reporting.”
Pew Research questioned 10,417 American adults and found that 76% of those between 18 and 20 years of age were likely to believe in intelligent aliens compared with 69% of people ages 30 to 49 and 58% between 50 and 64. Regardless of age, 87% rejected the notion that UFOs posed a threat to national security. “Let’s face it,” grins Gary Borse, “if they wanted to make trouble we’d all be speaking Proxima Centaurian. It’s like Hungarian, but with more vowels.”
Bee Here Now
The national real estate boom has lifted many a sinking ship, but every silver lining has a cloud. Sara Weaver and her husband rushed to buy an affordable 1872 farmhouse in Skippack, Pennsylvania without conducting an inspection because the competition for real estate was so fierce. Be careful what you wish for, Sara, you might get it. And with it, 450,000 bees buzzing in your walls.
“The seller disclosure said ‘bees in wall,’ but come on!” Weaver protested. “We bought the house in winter so the bees weren’t active. We thought a few of them would be no big problem. HALF A MILLION is more than pushing the envelope. I mean, nobody needs that much honey.”
The Weavers rang the alarm bell and professional bee remover Allan Lattanzi showed up with his giant beesucker. Allan says he removed three colonies of at least 450,000 critters from the walls, but he could be off by a couple hundred. The bees had been living peacefully inside the house for 35 years, abiding by the terms of a liberal contract with the previous owner. Lattanzi moved the fellers to Yerkes Honey Farm where he keeps his own apian colony.
“It cost $12,000, but it was worth it,” says Sara. “Funny thing, though, when it’s quiet at night I can still hear the buzzing in my ears.” Asked for comment, Allan Lattanzi shrugged. “Nobody’s perfect,” he alleged. “and Mrs. Weaver didn’t buy the lifetime protection guarantee.”
Who Y’gonna Call?
Probably not the unnamed lady ghostbuster we’ll call Paula in Buffalo, N.Y., who plummeted 20 feet through a century-old Central Terminal Building roof while searching for ghostly spirits. Paula was taken to a local hospital with unspecified injuries. She was quoted on local NBC station WGRZ as saying only “The damn thing pushed me!”
According to Buffalo police, the victim “was hunting ghosts without a license. She had no permission to be there and she didn’t even have any of that good ghostbuster equipment.” The terminal building was an active train station for half a century, operating from 1929 to 1979 before falling into disrepair. After awhile, the ghosts apparently took notice and moved in. The TV show Ghost Hunters has filmed at the location several times and claims there is definite paranormal activity inside. You don’t have to say much to convince Paula. “I have to get an honest job,” she says. “Maybe something in pest control.”
The Return Of Jetpack Man
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Jetpack Man! Either that or Randall Roffe is into the helium closet again.”---Walter Cronkite
He’s back. The L.A. Times recently reported that a Boeing 747 pilot radioed in to report the weekend warrior traversing the skies about 15 minutes east of LAX at 5000 feet. Air traffic control alerted all pilots in the area to use caution. This was the third appearance of Jetpack Man in less than a month, bringing the FBI into the case. Who is this Jetpack Man and what is he up to? When and where will he strike next? More important, where do we get one of those contraptions? And how does it work, anyway?
Jetpack Aviation’s most basic offering is the JB-10 backpack, which uses two turbojet engines. The engines have a feature called zero-bypass ratios, which means all of the air that comes into the front of the engine is being used by the combustion system to produce thrust. “It’s not the most fuel-efficient form of propulsion,” according to David Mayman, founder and chief executive of the company. “But it produces an extraordinary amount of power for the size and weight of the engine, which is obviously what you’re looking for if you’re talking about strapping it to your back.”
Each of the engines has a fuel pump and an engine computer. To take off, the pilot increases engine thrust by using a switch on the right-side handle. The handle’s computer translates this mechanical signal into a digital one and tells a master computer, which then sends the information to the individual engine computers with an order to keep the thrust balanced on each side.
Done correctly, this setup will propel the pilot into the air in a stabilized, upright position for up to eight minutes at speeds up to 120 miles an hour. You want to be motivatin’ full-tilt when you only have eight minutes, right? The toughest challenge according to Mayman is balancing the thrust from the engine so the jetpack can maintain control and not toss the wearer into a grain silo or an inconvenient bridge. Even the slightest bit of lopsidedness can send a jetpack veering off the straight and narrow.
“We haven’t lost anybody yet,” Mayman testified, “but a guy from Milwaukee on the way to his wedding wound up on the field at a Packers game. Nobody but the fans thought it was too funny and he was ruled out of NFL stadiums for life. Some people just can’t take a joke.”
Discover Your Inner Martian
Bored? Looking for something to do to while away the hours? How about 8,760 hours? If so, NASA is taking applications for four people to live for a year in Mars Dune Alpha, a 1700-square-foot Martian habitat created by a 3D-printer located inside a building at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. Get this---they even pay you to play Martian!
The volunteers will work a simulated Martian exploration mission complete with spacewalks and equipment failures. NASA is planning three of these experiments with the first one starting in the Fall of this year. Before you get too excited, a few words of caution. There will be limited contact with the folks back home and several food restrictions. All meals will be ready-to-eat space vittles not ranked highly on your Michelin Guides. Also, you will live in a windowless building with no pets and seriously limited hanky-panky. If you’re still with us, you must also possess a master’s degree in science, engineering or another math field or have pilot experience. Only American citizens or permanent U.S. residents are eligible. Oh-oh, here’s where they get rid of Siobhan: “Applicants have to be between 30 and 55, in good physical health with no dietary issues and not prone to motion sickness.” Almost astronaut-level qualifications. Apparently, past Russian efforts at this sort of thing didn’t end well because the volunteers were too much like everyday people.
“We know the standards are rigorous and the candidates limited but think of the perks,” said Chris Hadfield, former Canadian astronaut. “You can catch up on EVERYTHING on Netflix. Or you can bring along a musical instrument knowing nothing about it and come back a concert musician.”
That settles it, I’m going to try out, even if I have to lie a little bit. It’s the only way I’m ever going to learn to play the banjo.
Uh-Oh, Spaghettios!
Spaghetti Western contretemps have nothing on Florida. A Clearwater couple with no regard for pasta were locked up in a Pinellas County jail recently when a violent domestic altercation wound up with spaghetti being used as a weapon. Adolfo Rivera, 35 and his girlfriend Stephanie Lannas, 45, got into a spat while having dinner, according to authorities, and it escalated to the point where each shoved plates of noodles into the other’s face. When police arrived, they found Rivera and Lannas covered with spaghetti and sauce and overloaded on wine. “We charged them with domestic abuse,” one officer said. “Seems like there are no laws against food fights.”
After sobering up, Lannas insisted it was all in good fun and said the couple never fought, but county records reveal Stephanie was arrested last year after she stabbed Rivera in the arm with a fork. “Okay, that once,” she admitted. “But I was very, very hungry and he was taking too long with the spaghetti.” Both were released pending further action by the state’s attorney. Rivera promised they would stick to cold cuts for the time being.
Rodent News
Let’s hear it for Scabby the Rat. He’s out there right now in the streets of Chicago, with members of the International Union of Operating Engineers Local 150, protesting some malfeasance of justice. You can’t miss him. Scabby is 12-feet tall with long pointy teeth, red eyes and oozing, pus-filled scabs on his belly. Despite his moniker, The big Rat doesn’t cotton to scabs, outlaw workers who cross union picket lines. And now, Scabby has free speech rights, the first rodent so honored.
According to a decision from the National Labor Relations Board, Scabby and any brethren he might have are legit. Giant inflatable rats have been used for decades as symbols of labor disputes, but last year the Board signaled it could be persuaded to outlaw their use in certain situations. After months of deliberation, however, the Board voted 3-1 to protect Scabby.
Most people love the giant rat, claims Acy Wartsbaugh, an organizer for the union, “but the people who don’t really hate him.” Scabby has been sexually abused, run over by vehicles and even “Smurfed”---graffitied with gallons of blue paint. “One location we were at, an irate old lady came out and started stabbing him with a butcher knife,” says Acy. “There’s scars right here on Scabby where he’s been stitched back up, but she was really going to town on him, trying to kill the poor guy.”
Scabby doesn’t talk much, but if he did he’d probably remind us of Jo Nesbo’s old quote: “A rat is neither evil or good. It does what a rat has to do.”
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
