Earlier this year, we told you about the approaching population declines in virtually every country in the world. The reasons are many and varied, as are the consequences. While a thinning population will have many benefits for an ailing planet, a rapidly declining number of citizens will pose serious problems for most countries. Tax money will decrease significantly. Many jobs will go begging for lack of employees. Systems like Social Security which count on large numbers of young people in the work force will wobble. Nations will adapt, of course, over time and many of the anticipated hobgoblins will turn into paper tigers. But what if the downward plunge continues past all predicted numbers and dives right through the floor? What then, Mr. Wizard?
The Incredible Shrinking Sperm Count
The End Of The World is a fascinating subject we have speculated about almost since the day we arrived. When we were kids, we were told God might get pissed and pull the off-switch. If not the Big Guy, then probably the Russians, an allegedly insane lot with barnyards full of Atomic Bombs, or an errant volcano like Krakatoa. Maybe it would be a devastating plague like Tawny Frogmouth Fever or that scary Ebola. Maybe one day we’d look out the window and alien spaceships would cover the sky or perhaps the Martians would grow humanlike duplications in our vegetable gardens. However, nobody, but nobody, thought The End would come via the curse of diminishing sperm counts. It’s all too silly to contemplate. But Shanna Swann, an environmental and reproductive epidemiologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York warns, “Not so fast, my friends!”
Swan’s research finds that sperm counts have dropped almost 60% since 1973. Following the trajectory we are on, we could reach ZERO by 2045. Think about that. No babies, no production, no more humans. Darth McGregor of the Martian Expansion Program chortles in his grog. “Why waste ammunition when the Earthlings are offing themselves?” Why, indeed?
What are we to do about this awful news? Has anyone sped up to the roof to turn on the Batsignal? Is Mighty Mouse on his way? Where is Bill Nye the Science Guy when you really need him? Shanna Swann attributes the oncoming disaster to hormone-disrupting chemicals which are decimating fertility around the globe while the planet sleeps. In her new book, Countdown, Swann says the chemicals to blame for the crisis are found in everything from plastic containers and food wrapping to waterproof clothes and fragrances in cleaning products. The blight is everywhere, even in soaps, shampoos, electronics and carpeting. Still have one of those We’re Number One! styrofoam fingers? Zap, you’re sterile, or about to be. Many of the culprits---called PFAs---are known as “forever chemicals” because they don’t break down in the environment or the human body. They just sit there like Jabba The Hutt, accumulating and doing more damage minute by minute. Now, says Swann, humanity is reaching a breaking point.
Froggy---plunk your Magic Twanger. Please!
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in Earthville---mighty Penis petered out.
 |
| Lorena and John Bobbitt in happier times. |
New Hope For Eunuchs
If, like John Bobbitt, you have been the victim of a deranged knife-wielding wife, there is still hope. If you got a little too close to the power saw, suffered a failed circumcision or lost your genitals in an unfortunate explosion in Cambodia, we have good news. All the king’s doctors and all the king’s men can now put you back together again. You don’t even have to bring the things back in a bagful of ice because penises and scrotums arrive daily from thoughtful donors. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving.
The first penile transplant that anyone knows about was performed in China in 2006. We know beggars can’t be choosers, but if we’re having penile transplant surgery we will not be going to lovely Beijing. In that instance, the recipient’s body rudely rejected the organ. The next try in South Africa in 2014 went better for a patient who lost his jewels at the shaky hand of a rabbi during his bris. Few details, however, are available from either of these surgeries.
In 2018, a veteran who experienced a traumatic loss from his tour in Afghanistan underwent a 14-hour procedure to transplant a donated penis and scrotum at Johns-Hopkins Medical Center. In the years since the operation, he has been able to gradually regain near-normal functioning reproductively and urologically. A statement from the surgeon, Dr. Richard Redett explained “Our transplant is different from previous tries because it is a much larger piece of tissue. An improvised explosive device typically hits the pelvic region. We were able to design a transplant that would include all the tissue to replace the entire defect.” Sweet.
All this was just the beginning for the Johns-Hopkins crew of penis-packers. In addition to their surgeries for people suffering genital loss from combat injuries, the boys currently replace organs lost to penile cancer or accidental disfigurement. “In the future,” says the JH publicity department, “surgeries may be available to individuals considering gender reassignment surgery.”
Okay, that’s fine, but what about that other thing? Well, that’s a qualified maybe. “There may be a time sooner than later,” says Johns-Hopkins, “when we can replace abnormally tiny phalluses. We’re hoping for donations from retired actors in the porn-star industry.”
When you care enough to give the very best.
“It’s Not The Size That Matters….”
It’s what you do with the thing, right? If so, how does that explain the inundation of penis-enhancement propaganda which arrives in our little mailboxes day after day? All those porn websites are giving men an inferiority complex and leading naive young women to have Great Expectations. Bad news, fellas, most of that stuff doesn’t work. The only time-tested remedy for penis-lengthening is the old practice of pulling a bus a few blocks with the thing, and even that requires a long rehabilitation period.
Researchers in a study published in Sexual Medicine Reporting assessed 1192 men who had undergone either surgical or nonsurgical treatment to increase the size of a penis and declared them “ineffective and leading to severe complications such as permanent numbness (gulp!), penile deformity (double gulp!), shortening, for crying out loud, and erectile dysfunction.”
Nonsurgical treatments included extenders, injectables to increase girth and vacuum devices. Surgical interventions included suspensory ligament incision, tissue grafting and penile disassembly. We don’t know about you but when we’re making our list up, “penile disassembly” is on the lowest line possible.
So the next time you drive past the XXX-rated sexatorium with the covered windows, don’t just sneer and motor on by. Drop in and head for the Strap-On department. Try one on, we have models to suit every size and disposition. We do ask customers to be reasonable, however, to temper their expectations and adhere to our “as-is” policy. That means No Returns. You understand.
 |
| Roberto Cabrera, knee-high to Glory. |
Is That A Pocket Badger Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?
Bernard Arnault is the richest man in the world. Robert Pattinson is rated the most handsome. LeBron James may be the best athlete. But Roberto Esquivel Cabrera doesn’t care about any of this because he has something nobody else has. Roberto has the World’s Largest Penis. We haven’t seen it and we don’t think we want to but there is a video of his measurement ceremony. Total length: 18.9 inches. Good thing Senor Cabrera has a wheelbarrow.
Life at the top, however, is not all guns and roses. The enormity of Roberto’s asset makes sexual encounters with humans impossible. He has frequent urinary tract infections because not all his urine escapes his lengthy foreskin. He keeps his penis wrapped in bandages to prevent chaffing. He is even registered as disabled because of his large impediment. Be careful what you wish for. None of this bothers Roberto one whit.
“I am famous because I have the biggest penis in the world,” he says. I am happy with my penis. I know nobody has the size I have. I would like to be in the Guinness Book of Records but they don’t recognize this. They don’t accept it. I think Mr. Guinness is maybe jealous of my penis.” We think so, too, Roberto. You know those Englishmen and their tiny penises. James Bond, indeed.
We know. You’re wondering how Roberto got this way. Okay, we’ll tell you but you have to promise not to try any of these things in the privacy of your own home. First, as a teenager the now 55-year-old Cabrera began attaching weights to his penis to stretch it out. A doctor named Gonzalez who examined him to verify the size of his genitals, said Robert wrapped bands containing the weights around his penis. Sometimes the tension on his skin would result in small tears, but no pain, no gain, right? He just repaired the cuts, which promoted new growth and an increase in size. Gonzalez maintains that the bulk of Roberto’s pistol is pretty much foreskin.
Former record-holder Jonah Falcon (at a pathetic 13.5 inches), a New Yorker, says Roberto is a fraud. “Foreskin is just foreskin. Doctors have acknowledged that and said he could have a normal life if he was essentially circumcised. I think he is ridiculous and desperate. Whatever he says, I am the champion at 13.5 inches! If you can’t use it, what good is it?”
A question to ponder, indeed, in these weighty times of travail and meaty organs.
Are You Echidna-ing Me?
The world’s largest human penis is one thing, but what about the multi-pronged Australian echidna? The guy has four of them, one for every day of the French work week. Echidnas, if you didn’t know, are members of a unique group known as monotremes (so is the platypus) whose members lay eggs like birds and fish, but also produce milk like other mammals. Much about this group is still a mystery and that includes the bizarre echidna penis, which has four separate heads, or glans, at the end of the shaft. If that isn’t strange enough, only two of the heads are used during each erection and the animals can alternate between which two they use. They don’t even need a remote-control device to do it. Nobody understands how all this works and the echidnas aren’t talking.
Researchers are baffled by the little guys. “We’ve been trying to figure this out for years,” claims echidna expert Jane Fenelon. “It’s not a happy situation when you’re in such a limited field and you still have no answers. I mean, what are we doing here anyway? It’s not like when you’re a kid you aspire to grow up to be an echidna penis inspector. If I stuck with cuttlefish, I coulda been a contenduh.”
Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Cambrian Penis Worms
As everyone is aware, we here at The Flying Pie are not just fooling around. We’re here to provide our readers with occasional arcane knowledge not available elsewhere. Sticking with our theme of the day, we thought you should know a little bit about Cambrian penis worms so when that category pops up during your appearance on Jeopardy you can rush right into it without fear of insufficient knowledge.
The Cambrian Period (543 to 490 million years ago) brought the first great explosion of biodiversity to Earth, with the ancestors of practically all modern animals first appearing. One of the nastiest and most feared of these was the dreaded Penis Worm. Technically known as priapulids—after the well-endowed Greek god of male genitals---the Penis Worms are a division of marine worms that have survived the world’s oceans for 500 million years.
Their modern descendants live largely unseen in muddy burrows deep underwater, occasionally freaking out unaware fisherman with their floppy, phallus-shaped bodies and cranky dispositions. Fossils dating back to the the early Cambrian era illustrate that the critters were once the scourge of the ancient seas, widely distributed around the world and in possession of extendable, fang-lined mouths which could make a quick snack out of almost any poor marine creature which crossed their paths.
Imagine, if you will, the sight of a small army of hungry Penis Worms headed your way as you negotiate the friendly waters of Crescent Beach, leaving the shredded bodies of unlucky tiger sharks in their bloody wake. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, razor-fanged predators are on the march, promising mayhem. Best to grab your sun-tan oil, scoop up your blanket and head for the cabana. Oh, and somebody please remember to alert the pelicans. It’s a jungle out there!
That’s all, folks….
