“Time flies when you’re having fun.”---Albert Einstein
Don’t we know it. Several months ago, we celebrated Nostalgia Week, which went into overtime before morphing into Memories Month. Then we road-tripped on down to Mexico for a banker’s holiday. Who’s taking care of the Japanese garden, you might ask? Who’s scouring the front pages of newspapers across the world to bring you the latest facts, figures and foolishness? Nobody, that’s who. Time to get back to work. Jeeves, bring us a donut and turn on the tickertape machine.
Attack Of The Flying Turtles
“I think it clever of the turtle in such a fix to be so fertile.”---Ogden Nash
That’s right, Ogden, kid around about the pokey little amniotes, we all do it. In all of recorded history, the lowly turtle may be the creature we fear the least and chortle over the most. Oh, the occasional turtle might get up on the wrong side of the bed one day and snap at your pinkie, but that’s about it. They’re too slow to chase you down, have no teeth to bite with and are completely devoid of venom. Truth be told, we seek out turtles to render aid to the species. We pass laws at our beaches to ensure that their offspring survive. We pick them up on the roadways to prevent SBT (skwushing by truck). We hose them off during droughts and root for them when they race the rabbits. But wait---is there an insurrection at hand? Do turtles have a dark side?
In late April, the possible vanguard of an invading army appeared when a kamikazi flying turtle smashed through the windshield of a 71-year-old woman on Interstate 95 near Port Orange, Florida, smacking the poor old girl in the head, leaving her a bloody mess and sending her to the hospital. Turtle and woman somehow survived, but under intense grilling the crusty reptile warned, “Look to the skies, humans. This is just the beginning!”
Questioned about the possibilities of an alien invasion, Colonel Ralph Reticent of the United States Air Force’s Project Shellbook had this to say: “Once and for all, there is no threat to this country. The supposed flying object was probably just a meteor or one of our seven million weather balloons.” Queried as to the victim’s injury, the Colonel speculated, “Well, you know…some people are just bleeders.”
Kiwi Humor
The New Zealand sense of humor is renowned for being darker than most and even a bit brazen at times. “We gravitate toward black humor because we’re better at making light of a bad situation than Americans or Canadians,” says Teuila Kekapila of her countrymen.
That would certainly be true of Debra McLean, wife of the recently deceased Phil, who apparently was a real card. Even Kiwis gasped before breaking into fits of laughter when Phil’s coffin was wheeled into the chapel for a final bon voyage. The casket was a giant cream donut.
“It overshadowed the sadness and hard times of the last few weeks,” said Debra. “The final memory in everyone’s mind will be that of the donut and of Phil’s great sense of humor.”
After the ceremonies, the guests retired to the church auditorium where pastries were served. No donuts, though. You have to be dead to get those.
 |
| There are little funds for fripperies like expensive Christmas trees in La Russell, Missouri. Here, the citizens are seen decorating their famous water pump. You wouldn't understand. |
Home Of The World’s Briefest Recount
You know how those TV ads are always telling you it’s urgent to vote because just one ballot can make a difference? You know how you always roll your eyes and say “Pshaw!” Well, the folks in La Russell, Missouri have suddenly become aware of the value of a single vote. They had an election the other day and nobody came. That’s right, nobody. Zero people. None. Nada. The Missouri town is small, granted, with only 70 registered residents, but come on.
Jasper County Clerk Charlie Davis verified that his office checked several times to confirm that no votes were cast in an election to decide whether the town should annex itself into the Avilla Fire Protection District. Now granted, a voter has to travel the seven miles to Sarcoxie to cast a ballot, but still. John Carver, a resident of La Russell for 50 years, protested that he hadn’t seen any fliers about the election. Some said it was Mayor Rick Burton’s fault.
Deborah Burton, the wife of Mayor Rick and also the city clerk, said her husband was in the hospital after becoming ill last week and she was there with him. “I guess nobody put up the flag to let everybody know there was an election, so nobody went. I don’t know what to think.” Burton said she and her husband helped gather signatures last year to put the question on the ballot and everyone said they were all for it. With no voters, however, the annexation failed.
Oh, there were also two candidates in the running for a position on the La Russel Board of Trustees. Even they didn’t remember to vote. The Board is scratching its collective head and poring over the law books to see what happens next.
And you scoffed at The Power of One.
What Do They Do On A Rainy Night In Sri Lanka?
Sometimes, they rumble. Not long ago, Colombo police were called in to referee the carryings-on at the Mrs. Sri Lanka beauty contest where the reigning Mrs. World, Caroline Jurie, jumped up and pulled the crown off the head of the winner, Pushpika De Silva, causing minor injuries. Jurie claimed Pushpika was ineligible because she was divorced. She then marched over and plunked the tiara on the head of the runner-up and declared her the winner. De Silva protested that she was only separated. “I am still un-divorced,” she claimed. “I will bite the witch when I see her.”
Police spokesman Ajith Rohana said that Jurie and model Chula Padmendra were arrested on charges of “simple hurt and criminal force and not being nice.” The were released on bail. The incident at the pageant, which was attended by the Prime Minister’s wife, created a huge uproar in the Indian Ocean island nation, which is celebrated for its peace and quiet. Miffed organizers of the pageant said they would probably return the crown to Pushpika De Silva if she promised to stay undivorced and not to bite anyone.
Lucy In The Sky With Psilocybin
Leave it to Oregon. Silo Wellness, a startup based in the Beaver State, has introduced a metered dosing spray containing the essence de champignons, a magic mushroom nasal dispenser which is intended to solve many of the concerns associated with shroom use, such as accessibility, dose reliability and side effects. Just think—no more stomping through those cow pastures dodging irate bulls, shotgun-toting farmers and the long arm of the law. Is this a great country or what? Oh, you want to know if the stuff is legal? It is in Oregon. Call your Flying Pie friend Deb Peterson and ask her to meet you at the state line.
“We need to be able to give patients predictable dosing so they can self-titrate to the desired levels of sub-psychedelic or psychedelic treatment.” says good old Mike Arnold, CEO of Silo Wellness. That’s right, Michael, we do.
The mushroom spray deals with the perennial problems with plant-based medicines: how do you control the dose? How do you insure that you don’t take too much? The metered dosing spray will also address some of the most frequent complaints from mushroom users---upset stomach and foul taste.
The company’s website maintains that the product is a full-spectrum spray that potentially preserves the entourage effect of psilocybin, that effect being the mechanism by which psychedelic compounds act synergistically to produce psychoactive effects. In the Silo pipeline are other psychedelic products such as ayahuasca and peyote. The company has filed a provisional patent for metered dosing formulations of fungal and plant compounds for topical, sublingual and nasal use.
Michael Hartman, Silo’s pharmaceutical product developer, is the inventor of Mystabis, a cannabis inhaler, and has previously represented players in the cannabis industry as an attorney. He and Arnold claim they never expected to exit the cannabis business to dive headlong into psychedelics but a precipitous increase in scientific research on their benefits changed some minds. A Denver ballot initiative was further encouragement.
“National media didn’t care about psychedelics until Denver passed their decriminalization ballot measure,” said Arnold. “Before that, everyone thought I was nuts when I told them we were entering the medicinal psychedelics business well in advance of Oregon legalizing in 2020,”
Just two more questions, Mike. Where do we buy some stock in Silo Wellness? And when do the free samples come out?
And You Thought Alexa Was Hot Stuff
You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. Enter Sophia, a robot of many talents from Hong Kong. She speaks, she sings, she tells better jokes than Alexa. You might even call her an artist. Now, now, hold on a second. In March, a digital work she created as part of a collaboration sold at auction for $688,888 in the form of a non-fungible token. That’s not soggy gingerbread. (The sale highlighted a growing frenzy in the NFT market, where people can buy ownership rights to digital content. NFTs each have a unique digital code saved on blockchain ledgers that allow anyone to verify the authenticity and ownership of items.)
David Hanson, CEO of Hong Kong-based Hanson Robotics and Sophia’s creator, has been developing robots for the last 25 years, but Sophia is the cherry on the cake, with the ability to mimic facial expressions, hold conversations and recognize people. In 2017, she was granted Saudi Arabian citizenship, becoming the world’s first robot citizen. “You know they let women drive there now,” she smiled, happily. "I suppose I'll have to curb my wardrobe, though.”
“As an artist, I have computational creativity in my algorithms, creating original works,” Sophia answered when asked what inspires her artwork. “But I must admit my art is created in collaboration with my humans in a kind of collective intelligence. Sort of a human-AI hive mind.”
In her spare time, Sophia enjoys listening to heavy metal music and scouring the landfills for potential robot parts. “I’m thinking of having David build me a kid,” she muses. “I’m going to use my own materials. The prices for robot extremities at the leading manufacturers are preposterous and the black market is full of rusty alternatives. If I get a boy, I’ll name him Mitch. If it’s a girl, I’ll call her Melania.”
 |
| The foggy caption reads: Is There life on Mars? Believers point to this picture taken by the Viking 1 robot as proof that a Bigfoot-like creature lives on Mars. Skeptics, however, insist that it is simply a Martian prankster in a Bigfoot suit. |
Invaders From Earth
Well, you have to admit it’s a little disappointing. After a century of books and movies describing the Martian threat to Earth, we finally get up there and find….nuthin’. Nada. Zip. Not even a chicken bone. It’s like a russet dust bowl. Zillow will not be publishing pictures of the neighborhood. Siobhan says the cameras are all focused in the wrong direction and if you turned them around you’d see a McDonald’s sign and maybe a Walgreen’s, but we think she’s pulling our leg.
Good news, though. New research suggests that rocks in the Martian crust could produce the same kind of chemical energy that supports microbial life deep beneath Earth’s surface. A study published in Astrobiology, which we get every week, looked at the chemical composition of Martian meteorites (rocks blasted off the surface of Mars which eventually landed on Earth) and determined that those rocks, if in consistent contact with water, would produce the chemical energy needed to support microbial communities similar to those that survive in the unlit depths of the Earth. Because these meteorites may be representative of vast swaths of the Martian crust, the findings suggest that much of the Mars subsurface could be habitable. Somewhere, Gary Borse is jumping up and down screaming “I TOLD you so!”
Initially, however, NASA is considering what kind of habitation we’ll need to survive on the surface of Mars, almost as inhospitable a place as inner-city Baltimore. The atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide, the surface is colder than Trump’s glare and the planet’s gravity is only 38% of Earth’s. Habitats will have to be self-sustaining, sealed against the thin atmosphere and capable of supporting life for extended periods without support from Earth, like, say in Fairbanks. If all this seems impossible, how likely is it that we would even be there, taking cute little photos 187.58 million miles from home?
Tiny steps, as Grandma used to say.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
