In a recent edition of The Flying Pie, we discussed the burgeoning gaffer population, the Gray Summer, the rise of the reprobates who don't trust anyone under sixty. We mentioned the ongoing progress in life extension, the slogan that 120 years of age is the new 100, the exploding senior citizen encampments coming soon to a neighborhood near you.
Alarm bells went off all over Youngsterville. “Oh, that will never do,” they said. “What about rampant overpopulation? We’re running out of beachfront property! Tickets to Red Sox games are absurdly expensive already. We need to put a tourniquet on this life extension business before people begin spilling into the sea!” Easy to say when you’re 25 or 30.
The fact of the matter is, however, that in his infinite wisdom, The Cosmic Arbiter seems to have put the brakes on population increase. Even before the Covid purge, the numbers were shrinking. A new report in the medical journal Lancet from researchers at the University of Washington’s Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation predicts the slowing population rise will peak to 9.7 billion by 2064, then plummet to 8.8 by 2100. Some countries are even expected to see their populations cut in half. By 2100, the average fertility rate is predicted to be 1.7 children per woman, well below the 2.1 children needed to maintain a stable population over time. Not all countries will shrink, of course, but 151 of the 195 the researchers looked at will have fertility rates below the 2.1 replacement level. The rate in the U.S is expected to drop to about 1.6. Gee, Mr. Wizard, I thought you told me to invest in real estate.
The Flying Pie thinks all this might be beneficial. For one thing, it will be easier to get a cab. For another, those overpriced tickets to Rolling Stones concerts are bound to get cheaper. They’ll whiffle you right through those heretofore annoying security lines at the airport and Organized Religion will have to close a few churches. Think of the environmental benefits to an ailing planet as fossil fuel use plunges, food animals diminish and the Republican Party collapses when there’s nobody left in South Dakota, Kansas and Oklahoma. Maybe the Indians can get their buffaloes back.
AStat Sheet
Italy. The population is projected to drop from 60.5 million in 2020 to 54.4 million in 2050, a 10.1% decline, a worrisome statistic for the pizza farming industry.
Cuba. The population is expected to fall from 11.3 million in 2020 to 10.2 million in 2050, a 10.3% decline. Don’t worry, though. The population of Miami is expected to increase by 10.3% during the same interval.
Greece. Faces a projected drop from 10.4 million in 2020 to 9.0 million in 2050, a 13.4% decline. Attention, Zorba---report to the fertility clinic stat!
Japan. The population will fall from 126.5 million in 2020 to a skinny 105.8 million in 2050, a 16.3% decline. Oh horrors, does this mean the Teahouse of The August Moon will close on weekdays?
Ukraine. The population is projected to drop from 43.7 million in 2020 to 35.2 million in 2050 even if Randall Roffe goes back. A whopping 19.5% decline.
Belarus. A scary proposition. In the next 30 years, the rate of population decrease will nearly double from –0.34 to –0.61. Will anyone be left to bake those delicious Minsk pies?
The Snowball Starts To Roll
The whole world is watching the numbers with trepidation. Population stagnation. A widespread fertility bust. Nobody showing up for Charley’s first birthday party. What’s going on here?
Maternity wards are shutting down in China. Universities in South Korea can’t find enough students. In Germany, hundreds of thousands of properties have been razed and the land turned into parks. Don’t even ask about Detroit, where the last person to leave has been asked to turn out the lights.
It’s an oncoming avalanche, a snowball rolling slowly but inevitably downhill. Demographic forces are pushing toward more deaths than births. Only in Africa are fertility rates stable. Virtually all demographers now predict that by the latter half of the century at the latest, the global population will enter a sustained decline for the first time. The government of China has seen the handwriting on The Great Wall and last week announced that families are no longer restricted to two children.
The strain of longer lives and low fertility will lead to fewer workers and more retirees and threaten to upend how societies are organized---around the notion that a surplus of young people will drive economies and help pay for the old. It may also require a reconceptualization of family and nation. Imagine entire regions where everyone is 70 or older….like, say, The Villages without the band concerts and the personal golf carts. Imagine governments laying out huge bonuses for immigrants and mothers with tons of children. Imagine Super Bowl broadcasts with glitzy ads promoting procreation. “Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it!”
There is obviously only one answer to the problem. So-called senior citizens must jump into the fray with both feet, bolstering the work force and reinvigorating the consumer market. To do this, of course, they must be poked, prodded, injected and protected, the beneficiaries of vast government programs to enhance life extension and elderhealth. Before long, you’ll see Willie Nelson anchoring the 6:30 news, Clint Eastwood reappearing as a leading man-grouch in Hollywood westerns, Gene Hackman running the Santa Clara Police Department. Network television will have programs like NYPD Gray, Son of Bonanza and Cheers II, the latter featuring a tavern full of geezers and seventyish barflies commiserating over vaginal dryness and sexual dysfunction. A white-haired Sam Malone will still run the bar and Betty White will be his cougar love interest. Pot smoking Woody Harrelson will be back to reprise his role as an unreconstructed doper from Indiana.
We like this vision of the new future. Despite an array of new problems, everybody gets more years and second chances. Mitt Romney can run for president again. Nancy Lewis can be named Miss Boynton Beach. Marty Jourard can find true love with a Roller Derby queen from Sheboygan. And Bill Killeen might even learn to hit the curve ball.
Expansion
Despite almost 11 years of brilliant literature, colorful stories and unparalleled advice, the most read column in Flying Pie history is the last one, an advisory of a social event. Readership galloped past the old records by mid-day and was in the stratosphere by late afternoon. It didn’t slow down overnight, nor early Friday and was at least 1000 viewers higher than the second-place contender by the end of that day.
The shares were only part of the story. Readers mailing friends the link to the Pie were the prime movers. As usual, Marty Jourard’s monster readership at Gainesville Rock History fed the beast. If anyone had any doubts about the attendance at the Subterranean Circus Grand Reunion, he has only to check the comments on GRH, where everyone was quickly making plans with one another to meet at the scene. The only real concern is overattendance, and we’re keeping that in mind when selecting a venue. We expect to have a final decision on that before July, when Bill takes off for his California vacation.
Likely attendees are advised to check Bill’s Facebook page on the first of each month for advisories. We’ll update what we know as the date gets closer and readers will be able to ask questions. Finally, and this is critically important: at the end of each monthly FB update, you can guarantee yourself admission by either pushing the “Like” button or writing your name in the comments section below. Anyone not on Facebook can email us at the address at the end of this blog. The guarantee continues until 2500 names arrive, that number being the maximum capacity of one of the three possible venues. Another of the locations has a larger area but all of them have their limitations. When and if we exceed the 2500 limit, we will seek additional spots so no one is shut out completely. All Subterranean Circus employees are automatically included but we would still appreciate knowing their intentions. By the way, if any of you crafty teenagers are planning to push the button and slither in, there will be a very big man at the gate. Don’t mistake his welcoming smile for ignorance of the law.
We’re making everything as easy as possible. The rest is up to you.
CRITICAL Shrinkage
Men 70 and over can rest assured of two things. First, at least once a month in their home mailbox or on their email, they will get a nice note concerning the comforts of burial insurance. Nothing can shatter the buoyancy of a bright shiny day in optimistic surroundings like a letter from the nacre man reminding you that the Grim Reaper is just two doors down kicking ass and taking names. Sure, we can block unwanted phone calls and set the dog on interloping Jehovah’s Witnesses but the funeral crowd is a tough nut to crack. The emails often have a slight tell, but the ones the postal service leaves arrive in plain white envelopes and are indistinguishable from a possible note from your Aunt Sarah.
I answered one the other day and told the offending company my grandfather was thrown into such a tizzy by their missive that he was driven to see a psychiatrist and later institutionalized. They profusely apologized but I don’t think they really meant it. At the end of the call, they told me if things didn’t work out for grandpa, I knew where to find them.
The second annoyance advises me that men my age may be having trouble downstairs and could need penile enhancement. I don’t think they mean things like piercings and the addition of functional jewelry, I suspect they’re telling me there could be shrinkage involved.
Now all of us know about temporary shrinkage from that Seinfeld episode where George Costanza was espied leaving the pool with a reduced dangling participle. But this is different, this is a likely permanent sentence. Now, scoffers might be inclined to say, well, so what, you’re not doing anything with it anyway, but we beg to differ. There is some degree of prestige involved. Some men are happy driving a Kia 500, but others need a Cadillac.
Just so there will be no undue concern, you should consider these facts.
1. The average length of a flaccid penis is 3.6 inches.
2. The average length of an erect penis is 5.3 inches.
3. The average circumference of an erect penis is 4.6 inches.
There are, as usual, drastic solutions to any problem. Some sexperts suggest hanging modest weights on the little feller. Others offer photos of stressed penes pulling delivery trucks. If your penis is not living up to expectations---and if you really give a damn---just send us your address on a plain brown returnable envelope. We have some important mail we’d like to forward.
That;s all, folks….
Next Week: How To Save Your Life In 3 Easy Lessons.
