Still got your bomb shelter? Good, because astronomers advise that an asteroid as wide as the Golden Gate Bridge is on its way….the biggest and speediest critter to take aim at your house in years. This giant space rock---secret identity 231937(2001 FO32)---is somewhere between a half-mile and a mile in diameter, so if it hits, there goes the neighborhood. Literally. Still, the smart guys at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory only regard it as “potentially hazardous.” That’s what Charlie Manson’s second-grade teacher said about him and look how that turned out.
So far, it looks like the asteroid will come within 1.25 million miles of Earth, but nobody’s saying how within. The Big Day is March 21, so Spring-breakers now have a great theme for their beach extravaganzas. Oh, by the way, it’s driving through space at 77,000 miles an hour so stay at least 100 feet from the landing site, a little more if you’re near the ocean. The Center for Near-Earth Object Studies promises they will keep track of the thing and let us know whether we should stay put, rush off to Bolivia or tap Elon Musk on the shoulder and ask if he has any more seats left on the Moonbound Express. If you’d like to see for yourselves, folks in the southern U.S. can point their telescopes south-southeast between the constellations of Sagittarius and Corona Australis at 4:45 a.m. EST on March 20. We here at The Flying Pie are not worried one whit because nothing big ever happens in Fairfield.
If we make it through this one, there’s an even more dangerous asteroid (alias 410777 2009 FD) headed this way in 2185. Scientists give it a 1-in-714 chance of punking us but Vegas odds have it at 1-in-638. The Caesar’s Palace over/under is 30,000 dead. All casino windows close in 2170.
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| Scientists probe Yellowstone's rambunctious Steamboat Geyser |
It’s A Blast
When the Steamboat Geyser started acting up in Yellowstone’s Norris Geyser Basin a couple of years ago, volcanologists went scurrying out to Wyoming to assay the issue. Reckless rumors insisted that a major eruption would devastate the entire Pacific Northwest, including Marty Jourard’s house in Kirkland, Washington. Others claimed such a blast would be devastating for most of the United States.
Drawing a circle 500 miles across surrounding Yellowstone, studies suggest the region inside the circle might see more than 4 inches of ash on the ground. People living in the Pacific Northwest would be choking on the fallout but there would also be short-term destruction of Midwest agriculture. Rivers and streams would be clogged by grey muck.
“People who live upwind from eruptions need to be concerned about the big ones,” says Larry Mastin, a USGS volcanologist and lead author of a major 2014 ash study. Big eruptions often spawn giant umbrella clouds that push ash upwind across half a continent, Mastin claims. The clouds get their name from the broad, flat cloud hovering over the volcano, which resembles an umbrella. “An umbrella cloud fundamentally changes how ash is distributed,” says Mastin. Strategically well-located California and Florida, which grow much of the country’s fruits and vegetables, would get only a dusting of ash.
Yellowstone Volcano’s next supereruption is likely to spew vast quantities of gases like sulfur dioxide, which forms a sulfur aerosol that absorbs sunlight and reflects some of it back to space. The resulting climate cooling could last up to a decade. The temporary climate shift might alter rainfall patterns and cause widespread crop losses and famine. Severe frosts could be an issue. But a Yellowstone megablast would not wipe out life in the United States, let alone the Earth. Unless, of course, you happen to be Marty.
Artificial Intelligence
When it comes to doomsday scenarios, runaway asteroids, supervolcanoes and The Plague get all the headlines but mankind could be taken down by a device of its own creation. Even superheroes like Elon Musk worry about Artificial Intelligence.
“AI could be the biggest existential threat facing humanity,” Musk contends. “As AI gets much smarter than human beings, the relative intelligence ratio will be similar to that between a person and a cat. Maybe bigger. We just don’t know. It’s hard to imagine how you control something that’s so much faster and smarter than a human being.” Why so, Elon---cats seem to control thousands of people?
If Artificial Intelligence goes rogue and decides to erase humanity, scientists expect it would do so with very quick action, too quick to allow humans to establish a plan for fighting back. But it’s also possible that the type of AI that Musk and others are worried about might not even be possible. Elon agrees that “There may be something in the nature of biological intelligence that we can’t replicate in machines.” Car companies, for instance, have finally come to the realization that the complexity of human driving will take a very long time for AI to understand and adapt to, something The Flying Pie told you years ago.
It’s also possible that Artificial Intelligence might have no desire to rule humans. We could be completely irrelevant to its agenda. Or maybe we’d be okay if we just stayed out of the way, only facing pushback when we cramped AI’s style….sorta like trying to dunk over LeBron James.
With the total botch mankind has made of ruling the Earth, could Artificial Intelligence do any worse? Naive Americans once thought letting women run their country would lead to a kinder, gentler nation. Now we’ve got dim bulbs like Marjorie Taylor Greene and gun-totin’ Lauren Boebert rampaging around the Capitol. Could AI be any worse? It’s immune to the temptation of Big Money or a nice dacha on the Black Sea, cannot be compromised by sex offerings and is not a bit interested in placing no-neck goobers on the U.S. Supreme Court. Like the rednecks said when Trump took over, let’s give the new guy a chance. Okay Artie, it’s all yours for a few years! Make us proud.
Global Warming
The newest end-of-the-world bogeyman is, of course, Global Warming, and with good reason. As the Arctic melts and Marriott begins inserting North Pole day spas, the oceans will rise up and inundate numberless islands and coastal areas which now support life. Populous cities will become uninhabitable, especially in countries which can’t afford the technology to keep the seas at bay. Hurricanes will increase over warmer waters, forest fires will continue to grow in size and frequency, agriculture will be compromised and air pollution will rise. On the good side, Gainesville will finally have a beach.
Necessity being the mother of invention (and you thought it was Frank Zappa), humans will inevitably find a way to prevent or delay the worst aspects of Global Warming, but that’s a tricky operation. Bryan Walsh, author of the book End Times: A Brief Guide to the End of the World, contends that geoengineering has its own pitfalls. “If you try to reduce the amount of sunlight coming to the Earth, or control temperatures, he contends, “unanticipated things could go wrong….could be interrupted by a war, for instance, resulting in termination shock. That would be devastating.”
Unlike many of his contemporaries, Walsh feels that Global Warming will occur slowly, over decades. “Human beings are pretty good at adjusting to things as they unfold,” he says, but a rash response to deteriorating conditions would be unwise. “Geoengineering accidents could be sudden and chaotic. When we change things VERY quickly, we can get ourselves in trouble. Global Warming is unlikely to end us unless we make a critical mistake and it gets really out of control.”
Yet another reason to keep Anti-Science out of positions of power. Dumb is Dead. There should be a bumper sticker.
Zombie Apocalypse
If there’s one thing doomsday experts agree on, it’s the growing danger of a zombie uprising. “Zombies used to be no problem,” avers Woody (Tallahassee) Harrelson, noted hunter of the undead from Zombieland. “They were slow…pathetic, really. A four-year-old kid could outrun them. But thanks to improvements in zombie technology and the institution of special training camps, some of them can move like blue blazes now. Even worse, Nike recently cut a deal with some of the medalists at the Zombie Olympics and now they’re out hyping Air VaporMax kicks. Pretty soon, their kids will be running rings around us.”
If a zombie uprising occurs near you, there are several important things to remember. Number one---find the high ground. One of the safest locations you can escape to and hold during a zombie apocalypse is a former prison. With their extremely high walls and body-shredding barbed wire, these places are ideal for keeping invaders out. You’ll need a prison with its own water supply and a stockpile of food. Marauding zombies will take one look and move on to those poor saps hiding out in the laundromat.
Nobody can hole up in a prison forever, of course. You’ll need supplies and Tonto is no longer available. Fortunately for you, Hyundai takes their zombie response research very seriously and has outfitted some of their Elantra coupes with a raft of security features, including armored windows, spiked all-terrain tires and a zombie plow with massive spikes to remove and/or impale transgressors. Zombies will flee in terror when they see it coming.
If you find yourself in close quarters, you’ll want Motoped’s nifty conversion kit which allows you to outfit your mountain bike with a Honda 50-190cc motor. You be in and out with the groceries before those slow-witted zombies know it.
As everybody knows, zombies cannot swim a lick. Thus the 4WD Gibbs Quadski is perfect for tackling not only tough terrain but can instantly (okay it takes five seconds) tuck its tires and hit the water. Thanks to its 175 horsepower engine, you can zip along at speeds up to 45 mph, leaving those zombies cussing on the riverbanks.
Sometimes, of course, it comes down to hand-to-hand skirmishing. It will pay you big dividends to invest in equipment specially designed for the task at hand, like the highly-regarded Zombie-slayer Axe. If the razor-sharp axehead doesn’t do the job, the spiked brass knuckles built into the handle surely will. From a short distance away, your tactical crossbow with ultra-stiff split-limb design gives you exceptional power and durability, plus an adjustable vertical grip for better accuracy. And if you want to discourage a crowd of zombies trying to break into your apartment building, there is always the highly effective piano-drop, best used from an upper floor.
There are, of course, many other end-of-the-world possibilities, from Alien Invasion to Nuclear Holocaust to Malthusian Crisis, but The Flying Pie can’t be responsible for solving all your problems. Come on, students, show a little initiative. Sister Louise Clara told us that.
That’s all, folks….
