Tired of looking at dour Covid statistics? Up to here with latter-day Trump antics? Did a QAnon recruiter show up at your door this morning wearing a weasel suit and a Rand Paul mask? Is anything else going on in the world? In a word, yes. For one thing, Tom Hanks has a nice little movie out called News of the World, which is worth a look. His 12-year-old co-star, Helena Zengel, gives a breakout performance as the ultimate orphan. Even a curmudgeon will like it.
Oh, and there’s something going on with Bryan Moss in Idaho. Bryan just won $250,000 with a scratch-off ticket he bought at the ExtraMile store in Meridian, but that could happen to anybody. Thing is, this is the sixth time Moss has cashed a ticket.
“I’m proud to support Idaho schools, that’s why I play,” Bryan testifies. Hmmn. Who’s supporting who? What is it about these serial lottery winners that allows them to cash in every couple months while the rest of us are lifetime shutouts? Do they somehow sneak back to the future, steal a peek at the morning paper, then rush back to current-day Idaho to invest? Are the Bryans just massively lucky? Or is something rotten in the state of Idaho?
Orlene Peterson of Coeur d’Alene told Idaho Lottery officials she stopped at the Albertson’s store in Hayden last Friday morning and decided to buy some scratch-off tickets. One of them was a $200,000 winner. Next day, she reinvested a smidge of her winnings at the Fred Meyer store in Coeur d’Alene. Bingo! Another $300,000. If you were wondering, the odds of this happening are 1 in 282.5 million, which begs the question: who’s getting paid in addition to Orlene?
Kevin Halterman’s dad has mixed feelings about luck. His regular Powerball number won the North Carolina Education Lottery but only after he was dead. In honor of Pops, Kevin started playing his old number and hit the million-dollar jackpot. “I just figure he was helping me out a lot,” Halterman said. “Nothing like this ever happened to me before.” He’s planning on adding some nice flourishes to the old man’s gravestone.
Carrie Middlebrook of Bono, Arkansas went off to Jordan’s Kwik Stop the other day to pick up an item her husband Michael had forgotten. While there, she asked for a $2 scratch-off ticket, two $10 tickets and a 5-Buck Bundle ticket. The clerk misheard and presented her with a $20 ticket in the Million Dollar Spectacular. Carrie scratched the thing off and almost fell over when she realized she’d won the million.
“When I opened Carrie’s car door,” said Michael, “she was crying like hell and shaking all over. I thought she hit a deer. When I looked at her ticket, I thought the deer hit me.”
Luck. Some got it, some don’t. Most of us will never sniff those kinds of roses but we still enjoy our own kind of luck. We have so far escaped the Covid Ogre. We have lived through the siege of Trump. And best of all, we are not Rand Paul in a weasel suit.
The Canadian Library Blues
In Nova Scotia, the Cape Breton Regional Library had a book returned a little later than usual. Jordan Muscyscyn brought The Adventures of Doctor Dolittle back about 82 years after it had been checked out. The library had just abolished their late fees, thus Jordan was off the hook for about $3000. He had an excuse, anyway.
"It wasn’t our book. We were putting a fan in our bathroom, so we had to cut a hole through the roof. While we were up in the attic, we found a bunch of old books. The Doctor Dolittle stood out because of the library markings. I have to admit, I might not have brought it back if the fines still existed.”
Ironically, the library which the book had been borrowed from burned down in 1959, books and all. Had the borrower been a responsible reader, the copy returned by Muscyscyn would likely have perished in the flames. There are 5 million stories in the Big City. This has been one of them.
Tie Me Wallaby Down, Mate!
Who knew there were wallabies roaming the streets of Belgium? Alas, one of them was spotted hopping around the city of Genk, Limburg and personnel from the Nature Help Center were alerted. Now, you may think capturing a frisky wallaby is all in a day’s work but the locals had no experience rounding up Australian natives on pogo sticks, so it was a difficult slog. After two hours of huffing and puffing around the busy center of Genk, however, the wallaby posse finally closed in and captured the critter, who was reunited with his anxious owner, all of which leaves us with but two questions:
Genk? Limburg?
Big Wheel Keeps On Turnin’
They’re at it again. Those lovebirds, Ed and Lori Harmon, just can’t seem to keep their body parts off one another. Arrested on June 16 for having sex in a glass compartment on the Myrtle Beach Skywheel and facing similar charges from another incident in a community swimming pool, the Harmons are now accused of performing sex acts in a supermarket parking lot and on a bench near a playground.
What’s love got to do with it? Maybe nothing. South Carolina police suspect the couple filmed their public liaisons to share on pornographic websites. Ed says it’s all in good fun but Lori has also been accused of public urination in multiple instances, including in a hotel elevator and on a pair of vending machines back in December. Not fun for the next guy lining up to buy a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Ah, the price we pay for smut.
“I’d Like To Be An Oscar Mayer Wiener….”
That’s impossible, of course, but maybe you could be the next best thing. The celebrated sausage company is looking for a few good men, college graduates ready, willing and able to pilot the internationally famous Wienermobile on an epic year-long winding journey across the United States. It’s not exactly Jack Kerouac stuff but it pays good for anyone willing to work their buns off. The gig will run from June of 2021 through June 2022, following a two-week training session. You don’t get to hostel through Europe like some recent graduates but Dubuque is surprisingly nice in the Summer.
The Wienercrew will stop at more than 200 events during the year, appearing on local news programs and creating social media content for Oscar Mayer. It’s also not unusual to make other news while traveling in the Wienermobile. Last year, the gang was pulled over in Wisconsin for breaking the state’s Move Over Law. Another hotdogger got a little attention for proposing to his lady love in front of the Wienermobile at Yellowstone National Park. We’ll bet that shot goes up on the mantle right next to photos of the ring ceremony.
“The longstanding mission of the Wienermobile has been to spread smiles,” says Emily Klein, senior associate brand manager at Oscar Mayer. “We’re looking forward to continuing this tradition with an opportunity grads are sure to relish. Candidates who can cut the mustard will be part of the 34th class of hotdoggers.” Emily thinks she’s cute with all those hot dog puns, but she didn’t seem up to the weighty challenge of sauerkraut.
Penis Envy
There are varlets afoot in the Bavarian town of Kempten, about 79 miles southwest of Munich. A mysterious phallic-shaped sculpture which was installed on a nearby mountainside without authorization several years ago has disappeared overnight. Local wags attribute the problem to the skyrocketing price of Viagra, but local police aren’t sure.
“It appears that the thing was chopped down,” said a police representative who wished to remain anonymous. “All that’s left of the thing is a pile of sawdust and some splinters.” German media outlets attributed the sudden disappearance of the 7-foot sculpture to a local legend which claims it was made as a prank birthday present for a young man whose family didn’t appreciate the gift. The 440-pound penis, (et al.) was then hauled up the mountain. The peculiar monument has become a hotspot destination for hikers in recent years (“We’ll meet you at the Erektion!”) and has even been recognized by Google Maps, where it was classified as a “cultural monument.”
Police are investigating, after a fashion. Spokesman Holger Stabik told the local newspaper Allgaeuer Zeitung “We’re a little confused, of course. Is this a criminal offense or is it not? No one was harmed, no person’s property was destroyed and what many regard as a schandfleck is now gone.”
We at The Flying Pie demur. What kind of world would it be if these colorful examples of artistic expression are chopped down willy-nilly by calloused louts? Next thing you know, Meromi’s Sunbather (rudely referred to as “Gumby” or “Pink Poop” by obvious barbarians) will be crated up and removed from Long Island City. Or maybe Anish Kapoor’s lively ArcelorMittal Orbit tower will suffer the indignity of having the highest slide in Europe attached to appease the bourgoisie.
With that in mind, we have a proposition. Believing in art for art’s sake, we will pay a modest reward and shipping costs for what’s left of the penile wonder, which deserves a second act in the more sophisticated bowels of the United States. Say, on the front lawn of that place down south in Palm Beach called Mar a Lago. No true art lover could misconstrue its succinct and simple meaning:
“The Prick is home.”
Whoomp! There it is
The historic Long Grove Covered Bridge in Illinois is getting a bit annoyed. The poor thing was hit by a motor vehicle a few days ago for the 14th time since it was reopened following repairs in 2020. “I mean, come ON!” said the bridge, not known to be a big complainer, but clearly frustrated at the bizarre turn of events. “Admittedly, I have kinda low clearance, but drivers got EYES, right?”
Witnesses say they saw a box truck approaching the bridge on Robert Parker Coffin Road in Long Grove and it was apparent the top of the vehicle was going to collide with the bridge cover and shouted for it to stop. “I just yelled ‘Goodbye to your truck’” said John Kopecky, who videoed the incident. “That bridge can’t catch a break.”
The covered bridge was struck by a bus just one day after its initial reopening. The following day, a car smacked it while a news crew was recording a segment on the original accident. “I was wondering,” mused the bridge, “….does the Guinness Book of Records keep track of this kinda stuff? I mean I must be right up there in the Top Ten. Still, it could be worse. My pal, the Golden Gate, is a runaway leader in suicides and is pretty bummed about it. No matter how sad your story is, somebody’s always got it worse.”
Philosophy we might remember, even considering the source.
Fastest Cake In The West
A state of Washington casino broke two Guinness World Records when it celebrated the opening of its new parking garage with cars that were 91% cake. The Ilani Casino near La Center, held the contest between two replica Formula One cars, each one consisting of a cake body mounted on an aluminum chassis.
The Cowlitz Indian Tribe, owners of the casino, said each car was 91% edible to ensure it met GBR qualifications (minimum cakeability 90%) in order to take the titles for Fastest Edible Vehicle and Longest Distance Covered By An Edible Vehicle. Those guys at Guinness must have a lot of time on their hands.
Formula One driver Michael Andretti, apparently not very busy these days, drove the winning cakemobile, a replica of a car he drove during a championship season. The other car was a replica of a vehicle once driven by his famous father, Mario. Andretti’s cake reached a top speed of 17.08 mph and traveled a distance of 349.81 feet to break the records. The winning cake was donated to Share Vancouver, a nonprofit specializing in food access. The loser was sent back to the bakery for retooling.
He’s B-a-a-a-ack!
Those fun-loving rascals at the Texas Department of Public Safety accidentally sent out an Amber Alert a few days ago for the scary doll Chucky, famous from the Child’s Play horror films. The message went to subscribers of the Texas Alerts System three times, describing the subject as wearing “blue denim overalls with multi-colored striped long-sleeve shirt” and “last seen wielding a huge kitchen knife.” Chucky was suspected of abducting Glen Ray, the cursed doll’s son from the film Seed of Chucky. The alert contained photos of both movie characters.
The embarrassed Texas Department of Public Safety said the fake Amber Alert was set up as a system test and was never meant to be seen by the public. “This was actually a test we were running on a dev server and it accidentally went out,” said DPS spokesman Ruben Medina in a KPRC-TV interview. He apologized for the inconvenience but said the department had received several tips as to Chucky’s location. “So far, we have not followed up on them, but we’re thinking about it,” Medina advised.
Meanwhile, Orlene Peterson just won $400,000 in the Idaho scratch-off Lottery.
That’s a joke, son.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
The Best
Over the past two weeks, The Flying Pie has featured the best days of Bill's life and asked readers to reflect on their own Best Day. In each Pie column over the next few weeks, we will present the responses. Forthwith:
Best Day: Sharon & John Cinney, Ocala
In June of 2016, we traveled to Alaska, a spectacular trip during which we were blessed with beautiful weather the entire week. Our Best Day, however, started with a flight on the Talkeetna Air Taxi. After a short hop, we circled Denali, eye-to-eye with the mountain, then landed on a nearby glacier. We got out of the plane and spent 15 minutes walking on the glacier, taking our jackets off because it was so warm. An incredible, exhilarating feeling which we will never forget.
Second place probably goes to our trip to Italy and a visit to the Vatican. When we entered Michelangelo’s Sistine chapel, it was an incomparable moment. Words can’t describe the beauty of that breathtaking ceiling. Regrettably but understandably, no photos can be taken inside and there are guards to reinforce the policy. On the same day, we visited St. Peter’s Basilica to experience Michelangelo’s Pieta, another daunting experience.
We may have better days ahead but it will take some doing to beat those two.
