A few weeks ago, Alachua and Marion Counties both had 14 deaths and Marion had six hundred less Coronavirus cases. Gainesville promptly got serious about masking while Ocalans guffawed at the thought. On August 13, the viral count was 4309 cases and 26 deaths for Alachua and 6798 cases with 104 deaths for Marion. The Ocala City Commission noted the handwriting on the hay barn and mandated face masks in all buildings by a 4-1 vote. But common sense is never an easy sell in Marion County. Along came the city’s head goober, Mayor Kent (The Grey Goose) Guinn, to veto the whole shebang. “Does it help? Yes, it helps,” the mayor said, “but people fall into a false sense of security.” Oh, that’s a worry. People without masks, on the other hand, might fall into a pit of Covid vipers, but no matter.
The City Commission, in a rare stroke of genius, overrode The Grey Goose’s veto and made him stand in a corner for an hour with a dunce cone over his MAGA cap. Oh, the shame! But no sooner than it was Halleluja, drinks all around! here comes Marion County Sheriff Billy (Balsa) Woods to ding face masks for all 900 sheriff’s department personnel. “In light of the current events when it comes to the sentiment and/or hatred toward law enforcement in our country today,” Woods said, “this is being done to ensure there is clear communication and for identification purposes of any individual walking into a lobby. We can debate and argue all day of why and why not. The fact is, the amount of professionals that say we should, I can find the exact same amount of professionals that say we shouldn’t.” Oh. Woods didn’t say whether or not any of his professionals live in trailer estates, NASCAR parking lots or enhanced deer stands. “I am positive I have plenty of support in this matter,” he assured. And he may be right. Noone ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence of the denizens of Marion County.
The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia
As anyone who has ever wandered through the tailgating zoo at the Florida-Georgia football game can attest, the peach state is where rational thought goes to die. Pluck Atlanta out of the stew and what have you got---Mississippi lite. If it weren’t for the Claxton fruitcake company, you could wad tightly and heave and no one would know the difference; we can get our pecans elsewhere. On August 11th, true to form, Georgians exceeded even their own low standards by giving unrepentant bigot Marjorie Taylor Greene a big House primary win. President Fumblewits called Marjorie “the next big star” in the Republican firmament, right up there with Rand Paul, Newt Gingrich and The Incredible Shrinking Man, VP Mike Pence.
You might not know this but candidate Greene is a member of QAnon, a paranoid lot of wheezers and psychopaths which sees a Democrat conspiracy behind every tree. Clanging and honking, QAnon marches to the beat of an overcaffeinated drummer, unified in the belief that---among other horrors---an underground ring of Satan-worshiping, child-trafficking criminals led by prominent Democrats is on its way to Yourtown, USA. Oh, and they might be cannibals, too. Better banish the lollipops and lock up the kiddoes, who knows how long this siege will last?
QAnon arose from the slime in October, 2017, when some reeking poltroon---or perhaps a gaggle of them---going by the moniker “Q” posted a message on the anonymous imageboard 4chan website. Q has falsely accused many Hollywood actors, Democratic politicians and other prominent anti-Trumpers of being members of their infamous child sex-trafficking ring. He or they also claim that Trump feigned collusion with Russians to enlist Robert Mueller to join him in exposing the ring and preventing a coup by Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and sad old George Soros, who gets blamed for everything. The letter Q, if anyone cares, is a reference to the Q clearance used by the Department of Energy, if that explains anything. QAnon believers commonly tag their social media posts with the hashtag #WWWG1WGA, signifying their motto “Where We Go One, We Go All.” They have it plastered on their clubhouse wall, right where the “No Gurls Allowed!” sign used to be. We hope that when We Go All, the entire QAnon barnyard will be transported directly to the fetid bolges of Dante’s Eighth Circle of Hell, where the company should be to their liking. Until then, we’ll have to be content slapping them with the occasional Pie.
Candidate Marjorie Greene won 57% of the vote in Georgia’s goober-packed 14th Congressional District, handily defeating neurosurgeon John Cowan, who pitched himself as “All of the Conservative, none of the embarrassment.” Most high-ranking Republicans in the House of Representatives distanced themselves from Greene earlier this summer after Politico highlighted videos in which Greene railed against Muslims. A spokesman for House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy called her views “appalling.” Facebook has taken down an ad in which Marj brandished a rifle and threatened antifa protestors, saying it violated FB policies against inciting violence. Several media outlets have covered her avid support for the trolls of QAnon. None of this made any difference, as you might suspect, to the cane toads of the 14th Congressional district. “We know Marjorie---she’s one of us!” they exclaim to a man.
“Q is correct! Q is a patriot!” Greene exults of the man who assures his followers that a wave of mass arrests is about to take down high-ranking Trump opponents. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take this global cabal of Satan-worshiping pedophiles out, and I think we have the president to do it!” Oh, Majorie, behave. We know you’re only in it for the bestiality.
Clowns To The Left Of Us, Jokers To The Right….
The new slogan of the Republican Party should be “Conspiracy Theories ‘R’ Us.” Close the door, those wackos are coming in the windows. The entry level course of Conspiracies 101 is, naturally, Birtherism, which anyone with a tattered map of the world can pass. The first tenet of Birtherism is that any Democrat running for president or vice-president of the United States must have been born in some scary alien backwater like Omsk or Upper Slobbovia. Somehow, the culprit managed to finagle an official U.S. birth certificate, probably by injecting a courthouse clerk with liquid uranium in the dead of night, dumping him in the bay and replacing the poor schlub with a doppleganger growing in the Liberals’ podfield.
President Babbleon, himself, has often been complicit in aiding and abetting many a conspiracy theory. Recently, the prez has suggested that MSNBC host and former Republican Representative Joe Scarborough of Florida may have murdered one of his interns, tweeting “When will they open a cold case on the psycho Joe Scarborough matter in Florida? Did he get away with murder? Some people think so.” Yeah, and some people think the moon is made of spicy avocado dip. Florida police have concluded that the intern’s death wasn’t even a murder. Scarborough grumps that the Commander in Chief is teetering on the brink and should get a hard spanking on his bare bottom. Good luck finding a paddle big enough.
President Pretzelbrains has also fostered a bizarre notion that wind turbines cause cancer. In a December 23, 2019 speech, he reported “They say the noise of wind turbines causes cancer. I got that from a reliable source.” Maybe it was the same guy who told him there was massive voter fraud in the 2016 election in which Hillary Clinton beat him by three million votes. “I would have won the popular vote easily if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally,” he whined.
In August of 2018, the president tweeted to say he had “asked Secretary of State Pompeo to study the South African land and farm seizures and expropriations and the large-scale killing of farmers.” The tweet referred to a conspiracy theory that originated in white nationalist forums before reaching wombat Tucker Carlson’s show on funny old Fox News. The theory advances the claim that the South African government is perpetrating “white genocide” by passing measures to take land from white farmers while ignoring or covering up widespread murders of white farmers by black residents. Murder rates in South Africa have actually dropped in the past 20 years.
The More, The Merrier
The concept of climate change, of course, is a massive fraud perpetrated by and for the Chinese government in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. And watch those vaccines---they cause autism. The caravan of migrants passing through Mexico from Central American shitholes was “an invasion of our country by gang members and some very bad people,” according to the president and several of his sycophants. “Not to mention, I have it on good authority that terrorists and unknown Middle-Easterners are mixed in.”
President Thinlysliced, as you may remember, once accused former president Bill Clinton and ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton of multiple murders. They apparently went down to the Batcave in the dead of night, changed into their uniforms, drove the Batmobile over to Vince Foster’s house and whapped him upside the head with a guano pie. The local police refused to join in the fun, calling Foster’s death a suicide. The president also shared a 2019 story speculating that billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein had been offed by the Clintons to prevent his testifying about the extent of his relationship with them. Also during the 2016 election, Thinlysliced speculated that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered and a pillow found over his face. Don’t be so quick to blame the Clintons, Mr. Pres, that could have been any of us.
Local Yokel Eats Dirt
If earlier we seemed to cast Ocala in an unseemly light, it doesn’t mean Alachua County is perfect. The day after Joe Biden chose Kamala Harris as his running mate, Gainesville realtor and ex-Tea Party bohunk Susan Baird, once a county commissioner, posted a photo of “Joe and the Ho” on social media. As if that wasn’t good enough, she followed up with a rendering of a blackfaced Hillary Clinton. The next sound you heard was the heads of her employers at Bosshardt Realty exploding.
Baird was summarily fired, of course, and her employer buried in a mountain of complaints. Susan hasn’t been seen much since but one observant citizen reported noticing her wandering the backstreets of Pascagoula, Mississippi with a dazed look on her face and toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
