If you’ve been trying to watch your trusty 6:30 network news program lately, you’ve probably discovered there isn’t any. News, that is. The only thing going on in the whole wide world is the Covid-19 conflagration. We’ve watched Italy burn, then Spain, now New York. We’ve gasped in terror at the speed of the pandemic, its cruel efficiency as it skips along tornado-like, ravaging one community, hopping over a couple more and landing smack-dab in the middle of another. We’ve cringed at the terror’s unearthly radar, which allows it to home in acutely on the weakest, the most compromised candidates and quickly seat them on the bullet train to oblivion. We’ve marveled at the medical personnel who battle the inferno without fireproof slickers, gasmasks or fire axes, who keep going back into the flames to rescue another lost puppy. It is unending, this catastrophe, whipped by its own Santa Ana winds, ascending up hillsides, jumping broad highways, blazing through small towns and straight down Fifth Avenue, crackling, laughing, the heat from its breath searing anyone who dares to approach. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime cataclysm, it draws one in, you cannot look away until the bugle cry of the cavalry sounds, and maybe not even then.
Nonetheless, the Earth continues to spin, important events occur, even if there is no one available to report on them. The Flying Pie firmly believes in the time-tested advice of its elders: find a need and fill it, so we have decided to extend our hand, pick up the baton and explore the planet for vital facts and phenomena. In the meantime, we have this:
Where The Hell Is Kim Jong-un?
Please, do not try to convince us the little North Korean cherub is dead, we know better. This ploy has been tried before and found wanting. We will not believe this jolly point guard wannabe has been extinguished until we insert an index finger into the bullet hole, sniff the arsenic, investigate the petechial hemorrhaging. Covid-19? Please. Kim has too much hutzpah to allow himself to be struck down by a haphazard product of China. No, he is out there somewhere, playing with his little toy soldiers and clumsy intercontinental ballistic missiles. The likely possibilities:
1. Kim is playing PG for the Fighting Grasshoppers of Termoforgia Aurora Jesi in the San Marino professional basketball league. The former Supreme Leader shaved 80 pounds from his supple frame with a steady diet of diluted Mandoo guk and non-fried spring rolls, emigrated to the Grade Z San Marino rookie league and is currently hooping it up for about 7 minutes a game. Hey, you’ve gotta start somewhere. A big hit with the local press, Kim was voted “Mister Congeniality” for the month of March. “Aw, shucks!” he tittered when notified of the honor, “When do I get parade?” Dennis Rodman serves as life coach and food taster.
2. Kim has pared off 180 pounds and is a hard-knocking member of the rugged jockey colony at the Singapore Turf club. “I always have good height for jockey, but weight big problem,” he testifies. “I wish somebody tell me about Nutrisystem long time ago.” Kim hasn’t won any races yet but has fallen off only 16 of his mounts in April, down from 22 horses and one camel in March. Dennis Rodman serves as valet/jockey agent/ambulance driver.
3. Kim hasn’t lost an ounce, but is happily playing left triangle in a Baja Marimba Band cover group. “I like to get smiles, have approval from crowd without shooting someone,” he grins, happily. They say music hath charms to soothe a savage beast, and that’s obviously true in Kim’s case. The group is currently on tour in grouchy South Sudan, where audiences have been left smiling. “We give out free Neil Sedaka t-shirts,” he advises backstage. “Everybody crazy about Neil.” Dennis Rodman serves as backup cymbals player and band booking manager. Call him to set up a gig. Please. Availability is unlimited.
Around The World In Eighty Seconds
Brazil’s national tourism agency Embratur is rethinking its plans for hyping Rio de Janeiro. In the past, the focus has been on the city’s world-class beaches, samba-laden music scene and caipirinha-fueled bashes. Lately, however, the tourism boosters have taken to sharing Instagram reviews from visitors, most of them predictably praising the city’s delights. Unfortunately, tucked in with all the five-star ratings, there is always a dissatisfied customer. “I just spent 3 days in Rio,” griped one of these, “and in that short time our family was robbed, beggars mauled us on a main street and my 9-year-old sister watched another tourist get hit on the head and have his shoes stolen. How can I recommend your city when I’m afraid to even leave my apartment?” A fair question, wouldn’t you think? Embratur scurried to remove the criticism but not before it had been read by thousands. Bolivia is always nice this time of year.
In Japan, billionaire Yusaku Maezawa has launched a contest to find a girlfriend for his trip to the moon on Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket. Yusaku will be the first private passenger on the voyage. Always a gentleman, he is calling the future winner a “life partner,” which may be gilding the lily. So far, he has a mere 20,000 entrants according to streaming service AbemaTV. In order to insure compatability with Maezawa, contestants must take a “love diagnostic test,” which asks questions like “If you could go anywhere in a private jet, where would you choose?” and the much more personal “If Maezawa farted in front of you, what would you say?” We’d like to see the answers to that one. Maybe the rocket has a gas mask which immediately descends like those on conventional airlines to save passengers in an emergency. In any case, “Oops!” is always an acceptable answer.
While most businesses in Columbia are suffering during the Covid-19 lockdown, Gerson Monje is whooping it up. A red banner screaming SOLD OUT! is plastered across half his products list. Gerson’s online industry has seen an explosion of sex toy sales in the normally conservative country. “I can hardly believe it,” he exults. “Sales started going up on day four of the quarantine, now they’re through the roof. We’ve seen a 50% increase. People at home have more time on their hands and need fun in their daily activities. Sex toys are keeping their spirits up.” Other countries are following suit. Sales of sex toys in Denmark have more than doubled and British lingerie chain Ann Summers said product sales were up 27% the last week of March, and that’s in the face of…uhm…stiff competition.
The United States Department of Agriculture has, alas, removed the fictional country of Wakanda from an online list of nations which have free-trade agreements with the U.S.A. Wakanda, widely known as the home of Marvel Comics superhero Black Panther, has been portrayed in comics and the 2018 blockbuster movie as an isolated African nation with the most powerful technology on the planet. Powerful enough, apparently, to hypnotize American bureaucrats into thinking the place was real. And even now, the USDA is reluctant to face reality. “While it’s true we have removed the kingdom of Wakanda from our list,” a Department tweet reports, “our relationship with this wonderful nation will always be strong.” Usually reliable reports out of Washington suggest USDA officials are now carefully studying Narnia.
If That Doesn’t Work, Try Love Potion #9
Just when you thought it was safe to watch television again, here comes has-been televangelist Jim Bakker with his latest dog and pony show. Jim wants to save you from the Covid-19 virus with his wonderful new Silver Solution, a rare panacea which sells for a preposterously low 80 bucks per four-pack of 4-ounce bottles. Bakker’s flack, alleged natural health expert Sherrill Sellman will tell you all about it.
“Well, let’s just say that although it hasn’t been tested on THIS particular strain of the coronavirus, it HAS been tried on other strains and has been able to eliminate them within 12 hours. Totally eliminates ‘em. Kills ‘em deader than Mike Pence’s pecker.”
Just in case you have any other problems, Silver Solution might take care of them, too. Sherrill says the stuff has been proven by government scientists to kill every pathogen it has ever been tested on, including SARS and HIV. She’s probably too modest to say it cures gout, yaws and the heartbreak of psoriasis.
“Au contraire, mon ami!” warns the fuddy-duddy U.S. Food and Drug Administration, always looking to spoil a guy’s fun. Turns out selling a fake treatment for Covid-19 violates state and federal law. The state of Missouri perked up and filed a lawsuit against Bakker and his production company to stop them from selling advertising or Silver Solution. The Show-Me State’s Attorney General wants to be shown. Barring that, he avows “There is no product available to treat or cure coronavirus disease 2019.” Jim Bakker counters, “Well, I never said ‘Simon Says’ so it doesn’t count.”
In case you don’t remember Jim, he was hot stuff in the 1970s and ‘80s with his televised PTL Club, a Christian TV swindlefest he hosted with his then-wife, Tammy Faye, the all-time Queen of Superfluous Makeup. He stepped down from PTL after a sex scandal and later spent several years in prison after a jury found he had defrauded viewers out of millions of dollars. “How come all the OTHER television evangelists get to do it?” he protested at the time. Good question.
Why America Is Losing The Toilet Race
Greg Rosalsky of Planet Money went to Japan and fell in love with the place. The fascinating people. The volcanoes. The ramen, sakitori, sushi. And mostly, the toilets. “I can’t stop thinking about them,” he reports, disturbingly. “They are marvels of technological innovation. They have integrated bidets, which squirt water to clean your private parts. They have dryers and heated seats. They use water efficiently, clean themselves and deodorize the air, so bathrooms actually smell good. They have white noise machines so you can fill your stall with the sound of rain for relaxation and privacy. Some even have built-in night lights and music players. It’s all customizable and controlled by electronic buttons on a panel next to your seat.
In Japan, these high-tech toilets are everywhere: hotels, restaurants, bus stations, rest stops and around 80% of homes. It’s glorious. Then, I come back to the United States and our toilets are stuck in the age of dirty coal mines and the horse and buggy. They basically have one feature: flush. No heated seats. No nice smells and sounds. No sanitizing blasts of liquid. It’s like cleaning your dishes without water. It’s gross.”
That’s all well and good, Greg, but it wouldn’t work here. As everyone knows, the Japanese are excessively polite and consider the needs of people waiting in line to use the facilities. In the U.S., we are selfish. Everyone would sit on the thrones for hours playing Ode to Joy and squirting their warmed buns, smelling the patchouli-scented air. Nice thought, though. Orchestra---cue up The Impossible Dream please. It never hurts to imagine.
That’s all, folks….
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