Hardrock, Coco and Joe were bumfuzzled. Obviously, this was a rare opportunity to ingratiate themselves with the Big Kahuna-to-be, an occasion requiring reverence and gift-giving, but who knew what kind of presents to bring to a Messiah? Starbucks gift cards were grossly inappropriate, so we are told the boys settled on frankincense and myrrh, which is hard to believe since head shops didn’t even begin to appear until around 1966, almost two thousand years later.
In any case, they went, they gave, an everlasting Christmas tradition was established and we’re stuck with it, like it or not. We at The Flying Pie sorta like it. This year, Siobhan is giving Bill a photographic replica of the famous nude painting Grand Odalisque, in which she plays the subject role. Siobhan is being typically coy about the secret gift, saying things like “Not on your freaking life!” and “When Hell freezes over!” but that’s to be expected at Christmas time when gift-givers never reveal their sly intentions.
Anyway, we’re making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice. And then we’ll be calling the naughty ones.
They say nobody likes a conspicuous gift-giver, but they’re not asking the donee. Everybody knows the French like to toot their own yuletide horn and they blasted it loud and clear when they gave the United States the ultimate Christmas present in 1886. They used a Guinness Book of Records amount of wrapping paper and had to haul the thing over on an ocean liner. When the giggling Americans ripped open the box—SURPRISE!--the Statue of Liberty was inside. Apparently, the U.S. liked it quite a bit because after 133 years it has never been regifted.
Roman Abramovich a Russian oligarch and one of the world’s wealthiest men, spent an arresting fourteen million dollars on a bronze sculpture for his girlfriend, Dasha Zhukova, an art lover he eventually married. The bronze, “Femme de Venise” by Alberto Giacometti was just the beginning. He threw in another $120 million in valuable paintings just for the hell of it. Apparently, that wasn’t enough—Dasha later dashed off, loot and all. On October 19, she married Stavros Niarchos II. We can hardly wait to see what Stavros got her. We don’t think it’s a puppy.
The famous Indian film RA 1, featuring Shahrukh Khan and Kareena Kapoor was a blockbuster hit around the world, which left Khan in a very good mood. She gave several cast members new BMW7 automobiles worth a cool $10 million each. We’re not sure what makes a car worth a snappy ten mil or where an owner might put the thing. They don’t have valet parking at Walmart.
American film star Elizabeth Taylor got married a lot. She liked husband Richard Burton the most, probably because in 1972 he gave her a retina-blasting 69.42-carat diamond for her 40th birthday. Estimated cost: $1,050,000. While diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, apparently they aren’t everything. Like Abramovich’s sweetie, Liz eventually hit the road for even greener pa$tures.
Putting all the big-time spenders to shame, of course, was the champion, Shah Jahan, who created the most expensive gift in the world. In loving memory of his wife, Mumtaz Mahal, he built the Taj Mahal in Agra, India. The cost was 32 million rupees. We don’t know much about rupees, but that’s a lot of frosted gingerbread. At least Mumtaz didn’t dump her man. You’re still in there, right honey?
It’s A Tradition!
When German families decorate the Christmas tree, the last ornament to be hung is the Christmas pickle. Of course it is. This is a blown glass ornament passed down through generations, usually tucked into a far corner of the tree and difficult to spot (it’s green, right?). The first child who finds the pickle on Christmas morning gets a special gift and is promised to have good luck all the following year. Fine, except nobody in Germany knows about this wonderful tradition. The tale was fabricated by American purveyors of the popular German fruit and vegetable ornaments in 1880 when stores like F.W. Woolworth began importing them and selling them by the ton. An old legend never fails to bang up profits. I still have my coonskin hat.
Zwarte Piet—Black Peter, to you—is Santa’s well-known helper in the Netherlands. Sinterklass arrives on the eve of St. Nicholas Day in a STEAMSHIP, of all things, with his slave, Zwarte, and the two of them parade around town in various ports of call. Children who don’t behave during the year are subject to being hauled off to the bowels of Spain, where Sinterklass and Black Peter live. And you thought coal in your stocking was bad. Unfortunately, political correctness is threatening this fine Dutch tradition, as Zwarte is portrayed in blackface with an afro and exaggerated features. The traditionalists are holding on for dear life, terrified that Jesse Jackson will soon find them out and enter the fray.
There’s no accounting for those people in Wales. In their midwinter Mari Lwyd custom, still holding forth at Llangynwyd every New Year’s Day, the tradition involves the arrival of a horse and its party at the door of a house or pub, where the party sings several introductory verses of a song. Then comes a battle of wits knows as pwnco (and what have the Welch got against vowels?) in which the people inside the door exchange challenges and insults in rhyme, like at the Auburn-Alabama football game. At the end of the contretemps, which can last as long as the creativity of the two parties holds out, the Mari group enters with another song.
It’s important in this scenario that the faux horse be represented by an actual horse’s skull attached to a pole. The person operating the horse is well-concealed by sheets and has a contraption that works the horse’s jaw. It’s way better than the best Punch and Judy Show, but leave the pony-loving children at home.
Okay, we’re not making this up: every Christmas in Sweden, families gather ‘round the television set at 3 p.m. sharp to watch Donald Duck. Everything on Christmas is planned around the TV special and more than 40% of Sweden’s population tunes in like clockwork. The tradition dates back to the 1960s when televisions were a new commodity in the country and only two channels were available, one of which aired Disney cartoons at Christmas.
The Swedes are also fascinated by their Yule Goat, which traces back to the 11th century where a man-sized goat figure led around by St. Nicholas was said to have the power to control the devil. In the 17th century, it was all the rage for young men to dress up as the goat creature and run amok pulling pranks and demanding gifts. By the 19th century, however, the goat had transformed into a benevolent character, family men dressing up in caprine gear and distributing gifts to their clans. Today, the man-goat is out and the Yule Goat is in, often celebrated as a Christmas tree decoration throughout Sweden. In some cities, gigantic versions of the creature made of straw and red ribbons festoon the town squares, easy prey for those devil-may-care bonfire-lovers who hate to waste an opportunity.
For The Man Who Has Everything:
A Flying Pie Christmas
Christmas around the Ellison ranch will be comparatively quiet after the histrionics surrounding Siobhan’s 67th birthday. Gainesville musician Cathy DeWitt will not be coming out to sing any songs, party guests will not be driving over to sip celebratory limoncello and Siobhan will not be nearly as surprised at her clutch of Christmas presents as she was at the presentation of her home-made song, Limousine, professionally rendered by Cathy The Ubiquitous.*
We’re still holding on to a few presents. Harry Edwards has two round-trip tickets sitting here for the Sausalito-San Francisco Ferry, Bob Follett has a one-week vacation apartment ready in rural Fairfield and Nancy Kay gets a round trip ride to the beach (no dogs allowed) on the day of her choice. If anyone feels left out, we have a couple hundred Meyer lemons still on the trees, just let us know when you’re coming.
No whining about how “it just doesn’t seem like Christmas in the South what with all the warm weather and the dearth of snow.” Have you looked at the Winter’s bounty Mr. Weather has delivered to our friends in northern climes? Maybe you’ll take Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten (Island), too, but we’ll just suffer through the 75-degree days, sans snow shovel and icicle terrors, nog in hand. The merriest of Christmases to you and yours. Hey, I think I just spotted a green pickle!
https://youtu.be/F-6SZsPWmKk
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
