Thursday, November 14, 2019

The News Of The World In Review




In the rat-a-tat-tat of the daily news onslaught, with its barrage of Trump escapades, Brexit updates, Democratic debates, Mexican drug massacres and the inevitable California forest fires, a veritable plethora of important current events are swept under the sooty carpet, never to be seen or heard of.  The television newsmavens are totally obsessed with the Top Ten Tragedies and the incredible shrinking newspapers have been reduced to 16-page leaflets featuring ballscores, crossword puzzles, advice columnists and woefully shrunken comics.  We conscientious reporters at The Flying Pie consider this to be a crying shame because there is vital information out there to be studied, fussed over, tittered at and hung out on the line to dry.  So, without further ado, here’s the latest:




England Agog As Toilet Thief Strikes

Now, you’d probably agree that local police would be all in a frenzy if a downtown jewelry store was robbed of $1.25 million in glamorous gems, if a Brinks truck was bashed and brutalized to the tune of a cool million or if a little old lady from Pasadena embezzled a similar sum from the coffers of her employers at the Church of the Blind Redeemer.  So why is everyone smirking in their Guinness at the news that a solid-gold toilet has been heisted from a palace in London?  Millionaires have feelings, too.

Thames Valley police believe a group of thieves used at least two vehicles to accomplish the task, breaking into the Blenheim Palace around midnight and carrying out the shiny package by 4:50 a.m.  The toilet, a work of art by the 58-year-old Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan valued at $1.25 million, had only been installed days earlier for an exhibition and was actually connected to the plumbing of the building.  As a result, its removal caused extensive damage and the Blenheim—a UNESCO World Heritage Site and the birthplace of Winston Churchill—was forced to close for the rest of the day.

The Palace is the principal residence of the Dukes of Marlborough, who appear none too bright.  One of them, Lord Edward Spencer-Churchill, told The Sunday Times on installation, “It’s not going to be the easiest thing to nick (steal).  Firstly, it’s plumbed in and secondly, a potential thief will have no idea who last used the toilet or what they ate.  So no, I don’t plan on guarding it.”  Well, ho-ho, Lord S., the joke’s on you.  Seems the culprits don’t mind cleaning up a $1.25 million toilet.  Odd as it may seem, while the thing was on exhibit, visitors were allowed to book three-minute appointments to use the art object for the usual ablutions.

“The fact that it is very welcoming, inviting for anyone to use, gets to the heart of a lot of questions around exclusivity in the art world and museums in particular,” said Nancy Spector, the curator who worked closely with Cattelan when the golden crapper was earlier displayed at the Guggenheim Museum in New York.  “This notion of having a very intimate, private experience with a work of art—and a work of art that speaks dramatically about its own value—is fascinating on many levels.”  Uh, okay Nancy.

It would be unfair to say that noone really gave a….well, you know.  British police eventually arrested a 66-year-old man in connection with the theft.  His name has been kept confidential, according to law enforcement, to protect an unconvicted party from heavy ridicule.  We’re not so sure about that.  Any man who steals a solid gold toilet from an English museum is likely to be flush with admirers, celebrated in pubs across the land, the ultimate working-class hero.  “Let’s raise one to ‘Enry!”  Long live his fame and long live his glory and long may his story be told.




A Note From The Tooth Fairy: “Would You Just Take A Check?”

A seven-year-old boy long troubled with a swollen and aching jaw was finally taken by his parents to the Saveetha Dental College and Hospital in Chennai, India.  Doctors poked and prodded and eventually called in the surgeons.  Good idea.  When they operated, they found 526 miniature teeth in his mouth.  We know this because when they were finished the team took five hours to meticulously search through and count the dang things.  “It was reminiscent of pearls in an oyster,” one doctor said.

Each tooth varied in size from 1 mm to 15 mm, displayed a crown covered by enamel and had a rootlike structure, according to the hospital’s statement.  “Though there is no problem in the growth of the other teeth in the boy, the growth of molar teeth is permanently affected and he will require molar implants after turning 16,” doctors reported.  Surgeons said the condition is known as compound odontia and is attributable to genetic or environmental factors.

“His parents thought he was screwing around,” said one of the admissions crew.  “He’s probably bought a lot of credibility for the next time he has an issue.”  In the meantime, he can resort to the age-old encomium: “Bite me!”





That’s a Stretch

These clever Miami burglars came prepared.  First, they cut a nice hole through the ornery concrete roof.  Next, they carefully shimmied down into the warehouse.  Finally, they knowingly disabled the alarms.  And what were they after?  Expensive electronic equipment?  Valuable museum relics?  Don Shula’s original steak recipes?  Nope, none of these.  The stolen booty: 34,000 pairs of high-end fajas, a Spanx-like undergarment popular in the local Hispanic community.  Yeah, but 34 thousand pairs?

Detectives from Miami-Dade’s Cargo Theft Unit—one wonders whether that’s an undercover division—noticed black market sellers exchanging garbage bags full of the critters and were able to bare the operation.  The burglars, alas, have never been found but local law enforcement agencies are on the alert.  Are Cuban penis-pouch briefs the next to be victimized?  Hysteria prevails on Calle Ocho at the thought.



Clauvino, After and Before

Next Time, Try A Valium

Shorty almost made it.

Clauvino da Silva’s daughter visited him often at the Bangu 3 prison in Rio de Janeiro, where he was ensconced for 73 years and 10 months for nefarious activities as a leader of the Red Command, one of the most powerful criminal gangs in Brazil and controllers of much of the drug trade in Rio.  Da Silva was nicknamed “Baixinho,” translation “Shorty,” for his limited stature.

As the girl was leaving one day, a prison guard thought her more nervous than usual and pulled her aside.  A video shows what appears to be a young woman with long black hair wearing glasses and a pink shirt, as did da Silva’s daughter on the way in.  Then, a guard takes off the girl’s glasses and lifts off a black wig, revealing an oddly smooth head.  With a deep sigh, the disguised person peels off the pink shirt and bra, revealing a muscular man with tattoos.  Then, a silicone mask, pulling it over his head.

The daughter was questioned by police along with seven other people who recently visited the prison.  One of them, a pregnant woman who was not searched on her way in, had apparently hidden the wig and glasses on her person without notice.  The cops are investigating the possibility of additional aiders and abettors.

Da Silva is no rookie at escaping from Brazilian prisons.  He was among a group of 30 who escaped a facility called Instituto Penal Vincente Piragibe in 2013.  On that occasion, he departed using the prison’s vile sewer system.  It’s hard to maintain anonymity, however, when you smell like a pig farm, and Shorty was soon recaptured.  Give the man credit, if nothing else, for improving his modus operandi.




Return Of ‘The Birds’

In 1963, movie director Alfred Hitchcock scared the bejezus out of everyone by releasing a film in which thousands of birds—mainly ravens, gulls and sparrows—unexplainably attacked the citizens of Bodega Bay, California.  Freaked out moviegoers emerged from theaters staring at the skies and temporarily regarding their feathered friends with a new respect, all the while reassuring themselves it could never happen.

Fast forward to 2019 where marauding bands of wild turkeys have invaded the town of Tom’s River (where else?), New Jersey, terrorizing all in their path.  The birds have broken windows, blocked driveways, roosted on cars and chased people, though no nipping has yet been reported.  “I can’t get out of my door!” one frightened resident told News12 New  Jersey.  “Sometimes, I can’t get out of my car.  They will chase you!”

Tom’s River spokesmen say its animal control officers are powerless to intervene since they don’t have licenses to trap wildlife.  Officials speculate the birds may attempt to dominate or attack people they view as subordinates.  Wildlife officers contend this behavior is most common in the Fall when young male birds start competing with flock elders and the behavior has nothing to do with payback for Thanksgiving.

These northern avian shenanigans cause us residents of Fairfield to feel grateful for our more civilized turkeys, which merely paddle across our paddocks in search of a stray oat or two, avoiding humans and behaving in a proper turkeylike manner.  They may sit on the fences for awhile discussing world events but they almost never play rap music and they keep their radios adjusted to a reasonable volume.  Big George, president of the local turkey colony, called the behavior of his obstreperous northern cousins “featherbrained and embarrassing and a breach of the turkey code.  And just when we were beginning to talk people into a vegan Thanksgiving.”



Holly, Before and After
March Madness Revisited

Hark back to the end of college basketball season when all the amateur prognosticators were filling out their brackets for the whoop-de-doo NCAA tournament, an annual rite of Spring.  Who doesn’t enjoy being the office King or Queen-For-A-Day, the lucky genius who collects the jackpot and gets to smirk for the next 12 months?  Well, if Alaskans missed their chance in March they got another one in October.  You see, that’s when Fat Bear Week occurs.  And no, we are not making this up.

There are an estimated 2000 bears in Katmai National Park & Preserve, a glorious and massive 4-million acre stretch of wilderness in Southwest Alaska.  Each year, the bears spend the Summer trying to get as fat as possible to prepare for hibernation, and most of them do a pretty good job of it.  Thus in October, bear fans get to vote on who is the fattest of them all.

This year, the bears were whittled down to a bracket of 12 contenders.  Naturally, the four heavyweights got first-round byes.  Voters on the park’s Facebook page then chose their favorites from each matchup, the winner moving on to the next round.

When the competition began, Katmai Conservancy media ranger Naomi Boak had her eye on two of what she called “mortal locks to advance.”  Those would be No. 435 and No. 747 (he’s as big as a jumbo jet).  “So big,” said Naomi, “that he looked like he was ready to hibernate in July.  He’s the size of TWO bears!”  Boak says she is not fat-shaming but rather fat-glorifying, since the biggest bear has done the best job of getting ready for the off-season.  “They lose one-third of their weight over the Winter,” she claims, “so they need all that weight to survive.”  Oddly out of this year’s contest is last year’s champion, Beadnose, who failed to show up.  Naomi is concerned and disappointed, she says, “But whatever happened, she went out on top.”

The ultimate 2019 Champion is No. 435, or Holly to her many friends.  She beat out Lefty in a landslide.  After 12 hours of online voting, it was Holly 17,500, Lefty 3,600.  The Katmai hype machine had this to say: “She is fat.  She is fabulous.  She is 435 Holly.  And you voted her the 2019 Fat Bear Week champion.  All Hail Holly, whose healthy heft will help her hibernate until the Spring.  Long live the Queen of Corpulence.”  Call it tough terrain, but they’re having fun up there in Southwest Alaska.




In an Octopus’ Garden In The Shade*

“It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of men’s fears and the summit of his knowledge.  This is the dimension of imagination.  It is an area we call the Twilight Zone.”

And that may be where Florida fisherman Alvin McCallister, 72, wound up when he was lost for two weeks off the Sunshine State coast.  Curious things happen in the Twilight Zone, none curiouser than those which happened (or didn’t) to poor old Alvin.  Rescuers ultimately found him on a small, rocky islet 200 miles off the nearest coastline where he shipwrecked 14 days earlier, subsisting off seagulls, mussels and urchins.  With the help of local mermaids, of course.

MCallister avers he was cared for and fed by the sea creatures but also was taken advantage of sexually.  He described to rescuers in graphic detail incidences of forced sex which left him with abnormal injuries and inflammation to his genital and anal area.  Apparently, where there are mermaids there are also mermen.

Alvin is believed to have ingested some form of toxin such as lead or mercury sometimes found in dangerous quantities in certain varieties of the mussels he probably consumed.  He was also severely dehydrated.  Doctors at St. John Baptist Hospital announced, “The patient shows symptoms of extreme dehydration and is still suffering from mild hallucinations.  We feel, however, that it is extremely unlikely he was sexually exploited or sodomized by living sea creatures.”

Sure.  Easy for you to say.


That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com


Addenda

*Alert anti-hoax journalist Maarten Shenk claims the above article was fabricated by an outfit called World News Daily Report.  He claims McCallister never made such claims and is not certain Alvin even exists.  Gilbert Shelton once posited that a story needn't be 100% true if it was good enough.  We're going with Gilbert.  Besides, Fake News is all the rage these days, right?