Two years ago, things weren’t looking so good for Emily Zamourka. A thug grabbed her violin after a performance and destroyed an instrument that was worth thousands. Emily found an electric violin she could play but then she was pushed off a bus, fracturing her wrist. In short order, Emily Zamourka found herself living on the streets of Los Angeles. To keep body and soul together, Emily took to singing on the L.A. streets and even in the subway.
One day, Zamourka wound up on the wrong train and got off, irked, at the almost-deserted Wilshire-Normandy Metro station. “I was just thinking I’d sing a little bit to make myself feel better. And I see this police officer walking towards me from a distance and it kind of hesitated me because they really don’t want people making a nuisance….and opera is LOUD.” But Officer Alex Frazier was not interested in deterring Emily, only in taking a video of her performance. He posted it online and the singer’s miseries came to a crashing halt.
The next thing she knew, Emily was standing on a Los Angeles stage on October 5th singing Giacomo Puccini’s aria, “O mio babbino caro.” It was her first time ever singing on a stage in front of an actual audience. “Eventually, I did touch your spirits,” she smiled. “I’m so glad about that, being able to touch your hearts with my voice. Thank you so much for all of this that’s happening right now. I am so overwhelmed.” Zamourka has also been offered a recording contract by a Grammy-nominated music producer. And for the cherry on the cake, two GoFundMe campaigns have routed up over $95,000 to help her find a place to live.
There are four million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them.
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| Emily Zamourka, belting out an aria. |
Up On The Roof
In an era of diminishing traditions and faithless fallow sports fans who abandon their teams at the slightest provocation, Jeff Lanham is a refreshing throwback. Lanham is the owner of the Hog Rock Cafe in Milan, Ohio and a lifetime Cincinnati Bengals supporter. In case you haven’t noticed, that once prominent franchise has fallen on hard times and remained winless for the first six games of the 2019 season. A couple of weeks ago before the battle with the Arizona Cardinals, Jeff pledged that he would take to the roof of his restaurant if the Bengals lost and remain there until they finally won a game.
Cincinnati lost to Arizona, of course, and again to the Baltimore Ravens the next week, so Jeff remained in his tent high above Milan, ever hopeful. “We just need to get our starters back,” he told WKRC-TV. “If we get them back in the lineup, we win and I can come down.”
The legendary Wildman Walker spent 61 days living on a billboard in 1991 waiting for the Bengals to stumble their way to victory. Wildman visited Jeff on the roof the other day, bringing with him a signed photo asking Lanham not to break his record.
“There is only one Wildman Walker,” attested Jeff. “I have no desire to upstage a local hero. I am merely up here duking it out with the Fates in search of an overdue victory. Maybe we can beat the Jaguars Sunday”
No, you can’t. Jacksonville 27, Cincinnati 17. And the ongoing saga of Jeff Lanham continues unabated. Next week, the Drifters will be over to sing him a little song.
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| Cincinnati Bengals fans Lanham & Walker roofing it. |
You’re Fired (tee hee)!
Nobody likes to get fired, least of all good old Josh Thompson of New Zealand. Things looked bleak, however, for the Aukland ad-agency copywriter when he got a note from management calling for a meeting “to discuss some matters in regards to your role with the company.” Uh oh. To make matters worse, the human resources department encouraged Josh to bring a “support person” to the meeting.
Thompson knew it was curtains for him, so being a merry man of mirth he decided to bring along Joe the Clown. Joe takes his work very seriously, so he made sure to construct a proper number of balloon animals for the meeting. When Thompson’s termination papers were handed over, Joe mimed the act of crying profusely. “He nodded sadly, along with me, as if he was also receiving the bad news,” Thompson told BBC Australia. “It was clown professionalism at its finest.”
The publicity from the affair soon netted Josh a job at another ad agency. “If anyone is in a similar situation, it’s only natural they’d want to bring a friend or family member with them,” said Josh, “but if there’s a clown available—especially Joe—I wouldn’t hesitate for a minute.” As for Joe, he relished the opportunity. “You know, as a clown you’re mostly relegated to kiddie parties and the like. There are not many opportunities like this one. When the boss clown offered me the job, I jumped in with both size-22 feet. It’s my first actual firing job but I look forward to many more in the future. By the way, they won’t let you in those executive offices if you’re carrying a big pail of water. Doesn’t seem very sporting, does it?”
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| Not as good as Clarabelle, but what do you expect in Aukland? |
The Bird Is The Word
The Franklin, Massachusetts Police Department is second to none in roadway diligence. Which is why Sergeant Jason Reilly and Officer Andressa Rosa promptly rolled into action when a large Australian emu galloped past them as they finished up a traffic stop. Unable to corral the fleet roadrunner and a little uncertain what to do if they did, the two cops tracked down the bird’s owner and set off on a chase that also involved an animal control officer and the Franklin Police Safety Division. The emu owner, one Kathy Gatchell, revealed the culprit’s name was Pippa.
“We tracked Pippa through the woods for over an hour,” Kathy told WFXT-TV. “Every time we got close, she’d run. I think she thought it was some kind of game. The police officers said she was laughing at us.”
Several members of Gatchell’s family showed up and tried to play emu calls on their cell phones to hornswoggle the bird. Pippa was a little curious about all these emus suddenly turning up in the area. While trying to figure out what was happening, she was quietly approached by Ashley Gatchell, who crept up, jumped on her back and prayed for deliverance.
Ashley’s gambit worked, and Pippa stood stock still as one of the pursuing officers took off his sock and placed it over the emu’s head, calming the bird. The posse was then able to bring the critter home, “where it could no longer terrorize the motorists of Lincoln Street,” according to police posts. The police department thanked everyone who had aided in the capture and signed off with their new motto:
“No Job Too Small, No Bird Too Big!” Who says cops have no sense of humor?
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| Either Pippa The Emu or Phyllis Diller, we're not sure. |
Elsie Never Behaved Like This
Not wishing to be upstaged by a mere emu, Hilda the cow escaped from her farm in Bavaria last weekend, leading pursuers on a merry chase. Hilda, no slip of a lass at 1300 pounds, got in a bit of a snit for no apparent reason, wrecking an entire greenhouse, trashing an approaching scooter, then damaging a police car and knocking its occupant to the ground. The cow’s frazzled owner tried to talk some sense into Hilda but she bull-rushed him and knocked him into the middle of next week, causing minor injuries.
The Lower Franconia police are not a force to be mucked with, however. They promptly dispatched a fleet of emergency vehicles and even a helicopter to deal with this “highly aggressive and outraged bovine.” The cops boxed Hilda in, then an accompanying veterinarian whipped out a blowgun and shot her with a tranquilizer dart. The cow was then safely returned to her farm, where she finally got her own television set.
“I like to watch Mr. Rogers reruns,” she smiled. “It’s not that much to ask.”
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| Bad cow Hilda, the only mixed martial arts bovine in Germany. |
Car 54, Where Are You?
Ever lose your automobile? I have. I was driving to Miami on the Florida Turnpike one day and stopped to use the facilities at the Fort Drum food and gas island. When I exited the building three minutes later, my car was gone. Damn fast thieves, I thought, in a dither. Back inside, I found a security officer—a very large, solemn African-American woman in full cop regalia. I gave her my unfortunate news, expecting her to immediately swing into action. She didn’t move a muscle.
“Have you looked on the other side,” she asked, calmly. It can’t be that simple—or dumb—I thought. But those who traveled this highway in the old days remember that these buildings were exactly the same on both sides. When I went to the other exit, there sat my vehicle. I went back to report to the security lady. Against her better instincts, she almost cracked a smile.
“I guess this sort of thing is not unusual,” I said. “Happens every day,” said she. Ever since this incident, I have had dreams of losing my car and never finding it. Once, while Christmas shopping in Jacksonville, I misplaced my car in a large mall parking lot and had to ride around on a golf cart with a security guard to locate it. Several of my friends have temporarily lost their vehicles at airports, which is easy to do. Years ago, I started writing the floor and row where I parked on the innermost currency bill in my wallet. Works great. Despite all the sparkling opportunities, however, I have never completely lost my car. Like, forever lost it, like Connor Spear did.
Connor was rushing to a music festival in Bristol, England, last month when he parked his black Vauxhall Corsa SXI on a residential street. When he returned to the area the next morning, he couldn’t find the road where he’d left it. Despite scouring the streets for hours, his car was still missing weeks later. Spear told Sky News “I parked it up before the festival started and have no recollection where I put it. Being in a different city was confusing. Not finding it where I thought I had left it, I was a bit shocked and really very confused.” Since losing the car, Connor, an apprentice at an electric company, has been walking to work . His mother, Sally, told the press, “You know what youngsters are like—parking there without taking a photo of the street.” NOW she tells me, thinks Connor.
Spear, obviously not a well-to-do man, offered a 100-pounds reward to anyone who could find hide or hair of his car. A couple of days ago, a caller from Bristol contacted him claiming he had spotted the Vauxhall meandering around the city. Connor will be investigating personally as soon as he can get a ride.
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| "I know I left the damn thing around here somewhere." |
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094 @gmail.com
