With only 20 days to go until the official opening of the Killeen For President campaign in lovely Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, our Fairfield headquarters is a beehive of activity. Visiting dignitaries flitter in and out of town, offering support, promising votes, hinting at where contributions to their favorites charities might be sent. Volunteers are standing on street corners from Meddybemps to Rancho Cucamonga, talking up the candidate and wielding signs reading “All The Way With WTK!” and “For the First Time in Your Life, Feel REALLY Killeen!”
In Seattle, Washington, local saxophonist Marty Jourard led an impromptu jazz band through the cluttered aisles of Pike Place Market promoting Candidate Bill. In Austin, Texas, media columnist Harry Andrews and movie producer Bob Simmons conducted a mammoth Waffles ‘n’ Chili Breakfast at swarming Zilker Park. In Unicoi, Tennessee, radio hero Court Lewis ran 72 consecutive hours of Killeen commericals interspersed with Creedence Clearwater Revival tunes to keep everyone awake. In Miami, Florida, Richard Helms pulled a banner behind his dancing airplane which read “Guillermo, Si! Donaldo, No!” It’s all good.
Big Al Franken felt he had to turn down the vice-presidential post “since the evil Republican hordes and that snotty Kirsten Gillibrand would use it to frag the Killeen campaign.” Al said he’d be available for an ambassadorship, however, when Bill’s ship came in. “I’m thinking Paris,” he said, wistfully. “The French are inexplicably kind to weary ex-comedians. But anywhere is okay, except Finland.” One time presidential candidate Mitt Romney surprisingly agreed to head a Republicans For Killeen effort centered in conservative Salt Lake. To counter the staid Utahn image, Romney and Marty Jourard are working on a zippy campaign song titled “When the Latter Day Saints Come Marchin’ In.” And finally, lifetime conservative Republican Greg Poe, a Florida kingmaker, agreed to change sides when he was offered the plum position of Commissioner of Major League Baseball. “Politics is okay,” said Poe, “but Baseball is forever.”
Whodat?
There are a pitifully small but noisy number of you out there who think presidential politics should be left to the Big Boys, the three or four logical contenders on each side made famous by years of doing nothing in Washington. We beg to differ. Where would the country be today without the James K. Polks, the Zachary Taylors, the Donald Trumps? Okay, so maybe you’ve got a point. But consider the wisdom, the color, the Golden Moments contributed throughout history by the less well-known candidates. Like these guys:
1. Warren Ashe. Warren was a Democrat, which just goes to prove that no party is perfect. He worked for the Reagan administration, however, and while doing so developed a program of time travel communications that reached out “at least and no less than 500 years into the future.” Warren claimed to have transported sperm and DNA into the 24th century, no mean feat, but also participated in the construction of flying saucers “that are capable of going to another solar system at high warp speed.” Warren owned a company called Jyperonix Astrophysics Company, the purpose of which we know not what, and has been running for president off and on since the year 2000 without seriously bothering anyone. His hobbies include computers, pool, tennis, listening to Snoop Dogg and inventing electromagnetic hover devices. He thinks it would be a good thing if, when the aliens asked us to take them to our leader, that person turned out to be him. We do, too.
2. Jack Fellure. Jack was a perennial Republican candidate from West Virginia, which is bad enough, but in 2012 he switched his affiliation to the Prohibition Party after winning their presidential nomination. You remember the Prohibitionists, the swarthy foes of alcohol of any type, the country’s oldest active third party? Fellure’s platform was always “the authorized 1611 King James Bible, the supreme Constitution and absolute authority in the affairs of all men for all time and eternity.” Oh. That’s a big chunk to bite off, but Jack’s a determined kinda guy. And the only one likely to protect the nation from “a New Order takeover orchestrated by atheists, Marxists, Liberals, queers, liars, draft dodgers, flag-burners, dope addicts, sex perverts, anti-Christians and a partridge in a prune tree.” You go, Jackie!
3. Rutherford B. Hayes. Hey waitaminnit, you say, RBH was an actual president of the USA, the 19th, matter of fact. Well, now there’s another one (no relation). This latter-day Hayes vowed to rid Washington of the usual “socialists, communists and Marxists as well as sensatiable condescending egos,” whatever they are. Oh, and he’d also reestablish the Gold Standard and get the country out of Afghanistan and the UN. By way of credentials, Rutherford is the former CFO of the Miss Liberty America contest in which contenders are judged in swimsuit, marksmanship and founding-father trivia competitions. And Hayes wants to talk to you. He promises to respond to all prospective supporters’ Facebook messages, “even if someone is being a turd.” Can’t ask for any more than that, right?
4. Lester Byerly. Despite claiming affection for FDR, Byerly filed his papers as a Tea Party candidate. Mainly, he’s worried that what’s left of Obamacare will somehow put people in jail for not paying insurance, but he also has some ideas he wants to talk to you about. Lester is sure that regularly consuming hydrogen peroxide will cure cancers, colds and other viruses. He’s a little worried that might put a few doctors out of work and close down a couple of hospitals, but hey, “human health should supersede everything else, including the economy.” No arguments here, Lester. Byerly also said that as president he would hand out Federal Reserve debit cards to anyone earning under $50,000 a year. “It’ll start with $12,000,” claimed Byerly. Okay, Lester, so where do we line up?
5. Randall Trackwell. Well, he’s got the name for it. For some reason, Randall thinks it would be a good idea to bring back Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party, which was founded in 1912. He once ran for mayor of Topeka, Kansas, likening the job to being “kind of like the Vanna White of the city.” Trackwell is a former private eye and school janitor and told WIBW-TV that “it’s high time to get some common folks elected and take the billionaires out of politics.” Randall is pretty sure that both the Democrats and Republicans are globalists and are slowly destroying America. He means to put a stop to it but he’s not exactly sure how.
Not Quite Ready For Prime-Time Players
1. Prince Mongo. Robert (“Prince Mongo”) Hodges was allegedly born on the planet Zambodia over 300 years ago, give or take a decade. Although already a saint in his own nabe, the prince aspired to elected office on Earth, but first he had to clear up a few misunderstandings. Once cited for junk lying around his Tennessee property, he spent one week in jail after showing up for court in green body paint carrying a rubber chicken, always a no-no on the campaign trail.
2. Vermin Supreme. You’ve met Vermin in an earlier Flying Pie. He’s part performance artist, part-time activist and a regular prankster who delights in wearing a boot on his head and carrying a giant toothbrush. Vermin’s big moments in life include biting Jesse Jackson and hitting Paul Tsongas in the face with an enema bag, hopefully an empty one. Mr. Supreme claims to be the only candidate with a detailed zombie-preparedness plan, so there’s that.
3. Doctress Neutopia. Okay, we’ll ask you: would you rather be simple little Libby Hubbard of Tucson or mighty Doctress Neutopia? We thought so. The Doc is a firm believer in Arcology, a sustainable societal system dreamed up by futurist architect Paolo Soleri, who has no fancy nickname. She’ll be happy to discuss it with you, just give her a call. Oh, and don’t get her started on crop circles. The aliens who are creating them will eventually save us from urban sprawl. Good to know.
4. Saint Michael Jesus Arcangel. SMJA is a little high on himself, describing his station as God the Great Holy Spirit, Saint Michael the Arcangel and Jesus all in one. As if all that wouldn’t keep him busy enough, he is also CEO, president and general counsel for the United Domains of Heaven Treasury Corporation and has a secret CIA fax number. Oh, he’s also a Republican. Saint Michael thought you should know. If elected, he promises to use the War Powers Act to defeat Satan-worshipping Communazis and to free the world from poverty, war, taxation, abortion and gay marriage, not necessarily in that order.
5. Jello Biafra. Legendary frontman of the Dead Kennedys band and punk guru, Biafra tried to swipe the 2000 Green Party nomination from Ralph Nader but went down in flames. Maybe because his choice for a running-mate was death row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal, but who knows? Jello did have some good ideas, though. He promised to enact a maximum wage, abolish the military and lower the voting age to five.
6. James Traficant. Have you ever wondered what it might be like to have a convicted felon running the country? No, we said a convicted felon. Well, that would have been the case had James Traficant won in 1988. Previously, he was a member of the House of Representative in Ohio before being expelled for the chintzy crimes of taking bribes (who doesn’t?), filing false tax returns (who doesn’t?) and forcing his coworkers to perform chores on his houseboat (but he gave them free drinks). Jimmy served a whopping seven years in jail before being released in 2009. Naturally, he was a big hit as guest speaker at a Tea Party rally in 2009. Traficant, whose signature line during House floor speeches was “Beam me up!” was killed in a 2014 farm accident. There were reports of strange lights in the area at his funeral.
Inmate No. 11593-051. Keith Russell Judd, who wore that tag while an inmate at the Beaumont Federal Correctional Institution in Texas, actually won 41% of the vote in the 2012 Democratic primary in West Virginia. He was serving a 210-month prison sentence for extortion at the time. A self-proclaimed Rastafarian/Christian Democrat, Judd paid the $2500 filing fee but failed to get on the ballot in any other states. Because he won at least 15% of the vote, Judd qualified to have a delegate at the Democratic National Convention. There’s no word from Judd headquarters on whether he plans to take another shot in 2020.
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| Killeen supporter Deb Peterson amid the Oregon wildflowers. |
That’s all, folks….
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
