The Flying Pie: Good News

In these sooty days of the Trump miasma where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, where promises to allies are routinely broken and rapproachement with autocrats is sought after, where the dogs of pollution and decay are unleashed upon the land, it is sometimes difficult to see through the darkening smog and realize there is still good news afoot. Thus, it is up to valued institutions like The Flying Pie to machete their way through the underbrush, plunge through the darkness and break on through to the other side where Light resides. So consider these surprising revelations:

1. The Ozone Hole is closing. “We’re at the turnaround point,” says Paul Newman, a scientist at NASA’s Ozone Watch. A decades-old international treaty to ban ozone-depleting chemicals has led to their decline and a worsening situation in the polar regions has been avoided. A United Nations report on the subject published every four years (and now in its fifth iteration) tracks the ozone hole, originally created by chemicals commonly found in aerosol cans, air conditioners and refrigerators called chloroflourocarbons and hydrochloroflourocarbons which unleash chlorine into the stratosphere and break apart ozone molecules. As a result, more ultraviolet light from the sun gets to the surface, seriously increasing the risk of skin cancer. The problem was particularly noticeable over Antarctica, where the ozone hole began to form each Spring. If all goes according to plan, ozone levels in the region could return to pre-hole conditions within 40 years. Yeah, yeah, it seems like a long time but it will be here before you know it.

2. China’s ivory trade ban is working. The ban, which took effect in 2017, has had surprisingly positive effects on reducing the wordwide ivory trade. New research by World Wildlife Fund and TRAFFIC has shown that intention to buy ivory in China has already dropped by almost half to 26%, in comparison to 2017 before the ban was in place. Also, nine out of ten people asked in a consumer research study said they support the ivory ban in China. All pre-ban legal ivory shops visited by TRAFFIC in 2018 have stopped selling ivory and the scale of illegal ivory trade in most surveyed cities and online platforms has decreased. Those rascals covering elephant tusks with pink paint aren’t hurting either.

3. The United Nations has created a Conservation Treaty for the High Seas. Covering nearly half the planet, the high seas are international waters where no country has jurisdiction. These waters, which reach depths of nearly seven miles, are filled with life, from valuable fish to plankton. They help generate the oxygen we breathe and regulate the global climate. This treaty “is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to get ocean governance that puts conservation and sustainable use first,” says Liz Karan, senior manager for the high seas program at the Pew Charitable Trusts. “We should thank the ocean for every second breath of oxygen we take.”

After more than ten years of debate and discussion, countries voted at the United Nations to convene an international conference for full treaty negotiations. By the end of this year, the details of a legally binding treaty will be negotiated under the Law of the Sea Convention, which would have the authority to create large marine protected areas in the high seas. The hope is to have a treaty ready for signing by the world’s nations by mid 2020.

4. An Ecuadorian tribe stomps the oil drillers. The indigenous Waorani community won a landmark lawsuit against three government bodies for conducting a faulty consultation process with the community before putting their territory up for sale at an international oil auction. The ruling suspends any possibility the community’s land will be lost to oil exploration.

“The government tried to sell our lands to the oil companies without our permission,” said Nemonte Nenquimo, one of the Waorani plaintiffs. “Our rainforest is our life. We decide what happens in our lands. We will never sell our rainforest to the oil companies. Today, the courts recognized that the Waorani people and all the indigenous peoples have rights over our territories that must be respected. The government’s interests in oil is not more valuable than our rights, our forests, our lives.” You go, Nemonte! And congrats for turning down that Chick-fil-a franchise.

But What Can A Single Protester Do?

Ever feel helpless at the onslaught of government intervention into your life? Did the city eminent domain your property to allow a K-Mart to build? Was your gyro store zoned out of business when the county put up a new marina? Was your porn shop run out of town by the mayor’s religious inclinations? What if the powers that be one day decided to eliminate your entire village? That’s what happened to 97-year-old Huan Yung-fu of Taiwan, who immediately threw open his kitchen window and screamed to the world that he wasn’t going to stand for it any more.

Huang’s little piece of heaven once housed over 1200 families, but even he had to admit things were looking bleak. Seeking better living conditions, people began to move away from the Nantun district of Taichung City until only Huang was left. Surrounded by a neighborhood of empty houses, he decided to pick up a paintbrush and enhance his surroundings with color. You know how it is when you get on a roll with these things. Sometimes, you forget to stop. Before long, the lone Nantunite had created a Rainbow Village, catching the eye of local university students who rallied behind the painter and demanded the buildings be preserved. The government shrugged its shoulders and muttered, “Oh, well…” The area now attracts throngs of visitors, which thrills its sole occupant. He isn’t smug, though. Huang Yung-fu still gets up every morning at 3 a.m. to continue the job. “I think I’m entering my psychedelic period now,” he smiled.

Tales Of The Phantom Duster

Nate Roman, 44, of Marlborough, Massachusetts got a surprise this month when he returned home with his 5-year-old son. The back door was wide open and a strong odor of cleaning chemicals filled the air. Roman nervously tiptoed inside, but initially found nothing untoward. The kitchen was as he had left it, totally undisturbed.

As he wandered through the rest of the house, however, he noted that every other room had been thoroughly cleaned. He decided to notify Marlborough police, who claim to take the investigation seriously but wonder if Mr. Clean saturation is even a misdemeanor. One of the cops said his wife was willing to step out for a few days if the philanthropist would consider coming over.

Nate did say the phantom sweeper left one clue behind; toilet paper folded into origami roses, which caused him to suspect a professional cleaner might have stumbled into the wrong house. “If I was going to judge the merit of a toilet paper rose,” he said, I would call this one of the highest quality. In retrospect, though, things would have been a little clearer if the culprit left a silver bullet.”

Meanwhile, the search continues.

Ruby Slipper

Everybody’s heard about those lucky ducks, but lucky chickens? Not so much. Ruby is a Cornish cross breed, an unfortunate bunch typically used for meat production on large industrial factory farms. The average typical lifespan for the breed is 42 days before The Turk arrives at the door, implements of destruction in hand. Ruby was only two days old, however, when an empathetic farm worker noticed the baby chick huddled sick and near death in the corner of a shed. He was rescued and made his way to the Wildwood Farm Sanctuary, an eco-animal haven providing lifelong refuge and rehabilitation for neglected and abandoned animals on 98 acres of Oregon wine country. Shauna Sherick, the sanctuary’s founder and president, told reporters the chick was once thought to be a female, thus the girly name.

Alas, Ruby’s troubles were not over. He suffered from severe joint infections resulting in a right leg which needed amputation. “Oh, will my trials and tribulations never end!?” wailed Ruby. All things happen in their own good time, little chicken. A few days ago, the sanctuary posted on social media: “After many months of waiting for his amputation site to heal and setbacks with getting a proper fit, Ruby with his wonderful veterinarian Dr. Johnson was able to stand up and walk on his specially designed prosthetic leg.”

The notice didn’t say whether he immediately went out and played chicken.

Let Hexie Do It

Do you have a brown thumb? Do all your houseplants die because of your own sloth or ineptness? Afraid to let your friends come over because they’ll disparage your growing skills or call the authorities? Do we have GOOD NEWS for you!

The amazing new Hexa Plant is a six-legged robot that has been specially designed to care for the potted plant which it carries on top of its….er, head. Using light and heat sensors, the robot has the ability to carry its plant in and out of the daylight according to the plant’s level of sun exposure. If the plant needs more sun, Hexie will meander into the sunlight. If the houseplant is getting too hot, the Hexa will shuffle back into the shade. Is this a great product or what? Hexie will even do a little dance when it senses the plant needs to be watered. If the plant would like to watch the evening news, Hexie lets out a shrill whistle. Okay, we made up that last part.

The robot was developed by compassionate Vincross engineer and founder Sun Tianqi after he saw a dead sunflower sitting in the shadows of a nature exhibit back in 2014. “Plants are passive….eternally, inexplicably passive,” Tianqi wrote in a blog post. “No matter if they are being cut, bitten, burned or pulled from the earth or when they lack sunshine, water or are too hot or cold. They hold still and take whatever is happening to them. They have the fewest degrees of freedom among all the creatures in nature. So I thought we’d help them out a tiny bit.”

Does the committee award mini-Nobel prizes for compassion?

Grassroots Support For Bill Skyrockets

The Killeen For President Campaign reports increasing momentum for its candidate in all corners of the nation. Recent polls found Killeen surging past Beto O’Rourke by one full percentage point and now trailing only Biden, Sanders, Warren, Harris and Buttigieg, but closing in fast on Mayor Pete. Al Franken has sent mixed signals to candidate Bill as to his willingness to serve as vice-president on the Killeen ticket. Should he announce it’s a go, Big Al’s popularity could propel the Killeen-Franken combine as high as fourth in Las Vegas betting odds.

The campaign would like to thank all its supporters for continuing to show the colors in big cities and tiny hamlets, at grange meetings and bordellos, in red states and blue states from sea to shining sea.

Like these guys: