It’s a tricky business, this survival thing, trickier still as one’s age keeps ticking upwards. The Grim Reaper is a wily foe with a pocketful of nasty snares who enjoys nothing more than head-slapping the cleverest of roadrunners. Aeschylus, the Greek tragedian, stayed outdoors to avert a prophecy that he would be killed by a falling object, but to no avail. He was ultimately felled by a tortoise dropped by an eagle which had mistaken his bald head for a rock suitable for shattering the shell of the reptile.
Death comes in all sizes and shapes, it hides around corners, opens manholes, causes accelerators to stick and bullets to careen in unpredictable directions. We are wary of the slings and arrows of our enemies, but not so much our friends. Draco, an Athenian lawmaker, was smothered to death by presents of cloaks and hats showered upon him by appreciative citizens at a theater on Aegina. We said it before and we’ll say it again---beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Avoiding the Big Surprise calls for a delicate balance of risk and caution, some knowledge of history, extremely well-honed senses which can spot a threat on the horizon and, as much as anything, an aversion to rash behavior. Eleazar Avaran, brother of Judas Maccabeus, was brave in battle and survived many. Then one day, he thrust his spear into the belly of a king’s war elephant, which collapsed on top of Eleazar, killing him instantly. Sigurd The Mighty, second Earl of Orkney, strapped the head of his defeated foe, Mael Brigtre, to his horse’s saddle. Brigtre’s teeth rubbed against Sigurd’s leg as he rode, causing a fatal infection. And speaking of caution, remember when you were a kid and friends warned you to check the toilet for trolls before you sat down? Very good idea. Edmund Ironside was stabbed to death while sitting on a toilet by an assassin hiding underneath.
Too much contentment is likewise to be avoided at all cost. Bela I of Hungary was seriously injured and later died when his throne suddenly broke beneath him. Crown Prince Philip, prancing merrily through the streets of Paris, died when his horse tripped over a black pig running out of a dung heap. Hans Staininger, the burgomaster of Braunau, died when he broke his neck by tripping over his own beard, 4.5 feet long but usually kept neatly rolled up in a leather pouch.
You’re not going to believe this, but it’s even possible to die from overlaughing. Martin of Aragon, suffering from indigestion wrought by ingesting an entire goose, called in his favorite jester to enhance his mood. The guy must have been hilarious because Martin literally laughed himself to death. Okay, give a slight assist to the goose.
Please Help Me, I’m Falling (and not necessarily in love with you)
Everybody knows someone who has died of a fall. The fall results in a broken hip or crushed pelvis, the victim is immobilized and next thing you know the church choir is singing ‘Amazing Grace’ or ‘Take Me Out Of The Ball Game.’ In 2013, unintentional falls resulted in a whopping 556,000 deaths, up from 341,000 in 1990. Falls are the second most common cause of death from unintentional injuries after automobile accidents and one of the main reasons people show up in emergency rooms. And they’re often the result of one hasty decision. Our old pal, Newt Simmons, decided to go to a Dollar Store in St. Pete one day without taking his cane. WHAMMO! Newt slipped, banged his head and wound up with a cerebral hematoma. Now he’s swapping jokes with the Heavenly Host, or at least we hope so. One split-second choice is all it takes. Simmons could just as easily be tossing puns to the pigeons at Pass-a-Grille Beach but he took the wrong fork in the road. It could happen to anyone.
Sunday morning, I was helping Siobhan cut a new path through the garden. A formidable obstacle in the form of a four-foot tall piece of metal wiring surrounding an abandoned plant stood in the way, anchored to the ground by a nefarious collection of roots and vines, difficult to dislodge. After several minutes of snipping and machete abuse, the metal began to yield. I stood up, wrestled with it and pulled back, gradually gaining ground. Suddenly, the varmint let go and I stumbled back and fell to the ground in a heap, disturbing a few back muscles and requiring a trip to the inimitable Dr. Schwanke, chiropractor-of-the-year in this household, who put everything back in order. As pure luck would have it, I did not smack my head into the dirt and wind up playing pinochle with Newt, but not by any deftness on my part. Sometimes, it’s just the luck of the draw. I should have listened to Barry Goldwater when he discussed the merits of Eternal Vigilance, but I’m not sure anyone wants to spend his life clad in bubble-wrap and locked in a closet. Still, I promise to be more careful so Chuck LeMasters won’t be forced to write this column next week. Chuck makes people nervous. He says f*#k a lot.
One out of three seniors falls each year, with half the falls requiring hospitalization. Gee, Mr. Wizard, how can I prevent this awful thing from happening to me? The Mayo Clinic says doing the following things will help:
1. Make a list of your medications and discuss them with your doctor. Side effects from many medications can increase the risk of falling. Perhaps you can take some of them before bed instead of when you are active.
2. Stay mobile. Physical activity goes a long way toward preventing falls. If you are at risk, try water exercises or tai chi, a gentle exercise that involves slow and graceful dance-like movements.
3. Wear sensible shoes. High heels, floppy slippers and shoes with slick soles can make you slip, stumble and fall, as can walking in your stocking feet.
4. Keep your living space well-lit and leave a clear path to bathrooms and anywhere you are likely to go at night.
5. Be born with seven toes on each foot.
One of the better aspects of yoga is its concentration on balance and the various postures practitioners can perform to enhance steadiness. In this case, practice may not make perfect but it might make the difference between continued residence on the planet and a sudden trip to the Valley of the Big Surprise. And you’d hate to wind up there without a reservation. In the older cabins, the air-conditioners don’t work so good.
Whoomp—There It Is!
Nobody wants a slow and agonizing death, but most candidates would like a modicum of advance notice so the house looks spiffy and the future is secure for Spot and Puff. The Grim Reaper, however, is impatient with all this foolishness, he has places to go, people to see, and like most other working men, he just hates to be late. That’s why helicopters suddenly crash on a clear day, why Mrs. McMalabar drives her Kia smack into the Jiffy Mart and why teenage goofballs aim toy guns at the SWAT unit. Even the wisest and most prepared have little defense for Reaper madness, however, as illustrated by the following misfortunes.
1. Joao Maria de Souza, a man of reasonable habits, was sleeping the night away in his humble Brazilian abode one calm evening in 2013. When, wouldn’t you know it, an errant cow fell through his roof and killed him deader than a mackerel.
2. Clement Vallandigham, usually a dependable nineteenth-century lawyer, was trying to demonstrate how a supposed murder victim could accidentally have shot himself, thus absolving his client. Clement’s efforts were incredibly successful when he accidentally shot himself dead in the process. Good news, though. Duly impressed with Vallandigham’s evidence, the jury promptly acquitted his client.
3. In 2007, the deputy mayor of Delhi, Surinder Singh Bajwa, died falling off a balcony while trying to fend of a troupe of attacking monkeys.
4. Alas, poor Monica Meyer. The dutiful mayor of Betterton, Maryland perished while checking her town’s sewage tanks. Her Honor slipped, fell in and drowned in 15 feet of human waste. Her last words were reputed to be “Oh, shit!”
5. Most racetrackers have heard of jockey Frank Hayes, the only dead rider to ever win a race. In 1923, Frank suffered a heart attack in mid-race but his body remained in the saddle until his horse hit the wire, a 20-1 longshot winner. Hayes is remembered with a small statue in the Handicapper’s Hall of Fame.
6. Paul G. Thomas, the proud owner of a booming woolen mill, fell into one of his machines in 1987 and died after being wrapped in 800 yards of wool. “Paul! Are you in there?”
7. A clever Austrian tailor named Franz Reichelt invented a spiffy device which he was absolutely positive would allow him to fly. Reichelt decided to make a big splash by gathering a large crowd for his debut and jumping off the Eiffel Tower. Franz is dead now, but he was right about one thing. He definitely made a real big splash.
8. Twenty-one people died in the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919, when a massive tank of the stuff burst on a warm day, sending a 25-foot-high wave of the sweet stuff through the city at a speedy 35 miles per hour. Fortunately, the Red Sox game was not cancelled.
9. Health fanatic Basil Brown tried to advance the cause of carrot juice, “the perfect food,” by drinking a gallon of juice a day. Brown died, of course, but everyone at the funeral thought he wound up a nice, orange tone. Everything in moderation, Basil.
And then, of course, there was the unforgettable General John Sedgwick of American Civil War fame and his famous statement which long outlives him. Sizing up the chances of enemy success, he promised, “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance!” Maybe not, but they could hit Sedgwick.
Post Mortem
So the next time you climb out on your roof to sweep away leaves, try to win the Belly-Flop Crown on Redneck Day at the Fair or start to rassle with the ol’ chain saw, remember the overconfidence of Aeschylus or Mayor Meyer or the late general. The Big Surprise is snoozing just around the next corner and you don’t want to be the one to spring the alarm.
That could be all, folks. But we hope not.
bill.killeen094@gmail.com
