“Two different worlds….we live in two different worlds.”---Frisch & Wayne
“Blame it on the Bossa Nova.”---Cynthia Weil
So you think you’re a reasonably sophisticated guy, cosmopolitan even. You’ve been kicking around God’s green Earth for sixty, seventy years, eyes wide open, ear to the ground, you don’t miss much. Newspapers? You check the Times daily. Culture? You’ve read all the Great Books, traveled throughout Europe, support the local arts scene. Sports? You know who’s leading each of MLB’s six divisions. Music? You prefer classical, enjoy opera and understand rap, even though you don’t like it. Once, in a moment of weakness, you even got a tattoo. You’ve been around. You’re pretty confident there are no big surprises left. Then, they spring it on you. There is, believe it or not, something in this world called The Brazilian Butt Lift. You’re astonished at your lack of awareness. “How could I not have known?” you complain. Welcome to the club.
We, ourselves, have only recently discovered the Brazilian Butt Lift due to the chicanery and self-indulgence of one Natwaina Clark, who used to work for the City of Gainesville’s Parks, Recreation and Cultural Affairs Department as a staff specialist. During one especially lucrative 15-month period, Natwaina helped herself to more than $93,000 of the city’s money, $8,500 of which went for the derriere enhancement. She was interrupted on a sea cruise and asked to report to her local jail. The city asked for its money back but told her she could keep the Butt Lift.
Now, we know you’re asking yourself several questions at this point. What is a Brazilian Butt Lift? Why is it different, say, than a Ecuadorian Butt Lift? Does it allow you to dance a better samba? More important, where do you get one? Well, as with many questions these days, the answers can be found in Miami, where Doctor Constantino Mendieta is prowling the terrain, searching for flat-assed people with money. Dr. Mendieta---or “Connie,” as he is known to the locals---explains that “butt augmentation” is a procedure that involves the transfer of fat from one or more areas of the body into the butt cheeks and hip region. The procedure is designed to lift the buttocks, add volume and projection to the butt and enhance its overall shape, giving the recipient a more youthful and perky appearance. Dr. Mendieta offers two different methods to his patients, fat transfer and gluteal implants. We called down there, expecting to get his faithful assistant, Chiquita Banana, on the phone, but instead we got Tiffany. Wouldn’t you know it? Anyway, herewith is our conversation:
Tiffany---“Dr. M.’s preferred method is to use the patient’s own fat. ’The Mendieta Technique’ consists of 3-dimensional body contouring in which the doctor will create a sexy silhouette by contouring the patient’s midsection, giving them a smaller waistline with beautiful sexy curves and transferring the fat to the buttock and/or hip area to create more of an hourglass figure.”
FP---“Well, I’ve always wanted a sexy silhouette with beautiful curves, do you ever provide this treatment for men?”
Tiffany---“Well, not very often. We don’t have many male applicants. But occasionally, a certain kind of male will come in.”
FP---“What kind is that?”
Tiffany---“The drag queen kind.”
FP---“I’ve got to tell you, Tiffany, I’m a little concerned with lumpiness. How do I know I won’t come out lumpy?”
Tiffany---“Yes, we get that question a lot. There’s no lumpiness with Dr. M.’s treatment. His preferred method of injection is through layering---he injects small, bead-sized drops into different layers of the muscle and fat. By placing them close to a blood supply, the harvested fat cells are more likely to survive and not be reabsorbed by the body.”
FP---“Well, that sounds just wonderful. How much will all this cost me?”
Tiffany---“Anywhere from $9,000 to $14,000 dollars.”
FP---“But Natwaina only paid $8,500!”
Tiffany---“Then Natwaina didn’t get it here.”
We were somewhat reassured by our conference with Dr. Mendieta’s personnel, but you can’t be too careful with butt enhancement practitioners. Several years ago, a fake Florida cosmetic doctor named Oneal Ron Morris (aka, The Duchess) was arrested and accused of pumping a near-lethal formula of cement, mineral oil, bathroom caulking and Fix-a-Flat tire sealant into her customers’ bodies. The injections were sealed with cotton balls and superglue. To help decorate the proceedings, The Duchess wore scrubs and a stethoscope which she never had occasion to use. She jokingly told one client she would never again have to worry about “getting kicked in the ass,” since her derriere was now a footbreaker.
All this fun came to a crashing halt when one patient, Shatarka Nuby, eventually bought the farm from the effects of Morris’ shenanigans, her butt having hardened and turned black. The official cause of death was respiratory failure from “massive systemic silicone migration.” Your local Medical Examiner only gets to write that one up once in a lifetime. The Duchess is currently rotting in a Florida jail, which seems ironically appropriate. There are others of her ilk lumbering around, however, so best be on your guard. If you add one new motto this year, you might want to consider “Beware of Craigslist Quacks Bearing Cement.”
Penis Envy
While we’re discussing the nether regions, we’d like to report that Thomas Manning got his penis back. Well, almost. We thought you might be concerned. For the few of you who didn’t know, poor old Tom went to the doctor one day and got The Worst Possible News. Penile Cancer. “I couldn’t get Yaws or Guinea Worm Disease, like a normal person,” Manning complained. “I had to get cancer of the tan banana.” Manning isn’t alone, of course. About 2000 men in the U.S. were diagnosed with penile cancer in 2016, according to the American Cancer Society. It’s just that none of them are talking about it. In Tom’s case, alas, the malignancy (squamous cell carcinoma) had deeply invaded the tissue of his penis, leaving no choice but—gulp—amputation. After Dr. Alan Feldman removed the thing at Massachusetts General Hospital, only a forlorn stump remained.
Now, if you know our boy Tommy, he’s not one to give up easily. During subsequent conversations with Feldman, he repeatedly told the doctor that “if you guys ever do a penis transplant, I’m your man.” Feldman always chuckled and told him nobody was doing one yet. The primary issue was that the body aggressively rejects skin not its own. Constantly improving immune-suppressing drugs, however, eventually helped overcome the problem. In 2006, surgeons in China had transplanted the penis of a brain-dead male, age 22, onto a 44-year-old man who had a “traumatic penile deficit.” Doctors amputated the graft two weeks later, citing severe psychological distress by the recipient and his wife. Transplant surgeon Dicken Ko was one of the few people extant who were even aware of this incident and he began to consider the possibility of penile transplants in this country, discussing the matter with the MGH team which had performed the hospital’s first hand transplant in 2012 and also with plastic surgeon Curtis Cetrulo, director of Mass. General’s Vascularized Composite Allotransplantation Laboratory.
Manning met with Ko and Cetrulo, who were impressed with his upbeat personality and good health, feeling his circumstances made him a prime candidate for a possible transplant. The details were discussed and the surgery arranged. Proceedings began one Boston evening after 10 p.m. and continued on until 1 a.m., Cetrulo and several other plastic surgeons using microscopes and sutures as fine as an eyelash to painstakingly connect all the necessary arteries, nerves and veins. Just after 1 a.m., Manning’s blood began circulating through the donor penis. “That was a great moment,” the doctors agreed. Not to mention Tom.
Three months after the transplant, Manning began to gain sensation in the organ. "”Phenomenal!” agreed Ko and Cetrulo, jumping up and down. “We expected that to come much later.” A return of sexual function, if it happens at all, could take about a year. Tommy, meanwhile, is happy as a clam. He talks about one day writing a book about his experience, maybe giving talks to wounded veterans. “I believe everybody gets knocked down,” he alleges, “and then you get back up.” Hopefully, that will be figuratively and literally speaking.
Happy Days Are Here Again
Sooner or later, everybody needs some kind of rehab. Why should it be any different for vaginas, those poor, put-upon creatures which are constantly poked, prodded, lapped, stretched and often abused by invading forces? If that’s not enough, we have the miracle of childbirth to consider. Is there any other package so violently ripped open which can return to its former condition? We think not. Until now, however, the poor vaginas had to fend for themselves, subjected to difficult toning exercises and miracle tighteners which never worked. Now, though, thanks to the miracle of Modern Science, we have (get the bugles ready) Vaginal Rejuvenation! Those clever folks at Pour Moi Female Pelvic Health Specialists have created a little goodie called Intensity which is causing vaginas everywhere to jump up and down, rush to their pianos and break into accelerated choruses of Schiller’s Ode To Joy.
Intensity’s muscle stimulation automatically exercises all the pelvic floor muscles, resulting in a tighter, more toned vagina and stronger muscles. According to those braggarts at Pour Moi, this will lead to more powerful orgasms which could last, oh, maybe a week. Not only that, but the little wonder-worker brings tremendous blood-flow to the pelvic floor, resulting in a more lubricated vagina. Intensity’s internal and external vibrators stimulate the internal and external clitoris and combine with the rhythmic stimulation of the pelvic floor muscles, insuring that a mere five minutes use before intercourse will change the contour of the vagina resulting in a tighter sensation for male visitors and fuller sensation for the user. Is this a great product or what?
Now, Pour Moi does not want users to confuse their little creation with something so vulgar as a sex toy. That would be rude. It’s very clearly a health and stimulation device scientifically designed to pep those vaginas up, to give them a slap on the back and improve their confidence while it enhances their physical condition. Sort of like a visit to a friendly gym. Intensity comes in a lovely red and white package and is the perfect gift for the grandmother who has everything. Only $200. Act today.
Smile! Your Surgery Is On Candid Camera. Or More Likely, Snapchat.
Everybody’s using it, so why not the Plastic Surgeons? Procedures like breast enhancements, labiaplasties and buttlifts are showing up on Snapchat with increasing regularity as the plasdocs show off their skills. Looking for some entertainment during lunch? What’s more fun than watching a woman’s derriere being sliced open and reshaped with excess fat from her stomach? That’s what happens when you can’t get Roadrunner cartoons any more.
“It’s like having your own reality show,” says Dr. Michael Salzhauer, aka Dr. Miami, the plastic surgeon who posted his first snapchat story in February of 2015 and just lost out on the 2016 Shorty Award for Snapchatter of the Year. “But better than a reality show because you have no censors or network to answer to. You just do whatever you feel is entertaining or funny. Or maybe educational.”
“Did I know Snapchat was going to blow up? I had no idea,” the 44-year-old father of five told E! News, explaining it was his 15-year-old daughter who showed him how to use the app when his Instagram account (with 90,000 followers) was abruptly deleted “for violating community standards.” He’s back on Instagram now, by the way, and the audience is up to 411,000. Salzhauer also hosts a Facebook talk show called Naked Tea when he isn’t busy. His first Snapchat story got 2,000 views, not much compared to his Instagram followers, but the next day he got 4,000 and within a few weeks his posts were drawing a crowd of 50,000 a day. “It just kept growing,” says Dr. Mike, who now averages 1.5 million daily views.
Like the actual surgery, Dr. Miami has the Snapchatting down to a science. He introduces himself at the start of a story, gets a rundown of what’s on the schedule, banters with his staff at Bal Harbor Plastic Surgery Associates, puts on his blingy shades, does a few shout-outs to his fans and then gets to work.
“It’s fun,” the doctor insists. It’s entertaining and interesting for students. The human body is inherently fascinating. Most people never get to see it and the detail we’re showing now is really cool. You see real people, real surgery, real results.”
Alas, doctors have deficiencies, too, and thus become occasional patients. We asked Dr. Salzhauer about an upcoming hernia surgery of his own. Would it eventually be available for viewing? “Of course not,” he said, crankily “The hospital wouldn’t allow it. Besides, that would be gross.”
That’s all, folks….
