“Christmas is the time you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
It’s that time of year again when everyone suffers from a common ailment and it’s not just Donald Trump Overload. No, this is the time we start asking ourselves what am I going to get for Shirley and Dweezil this Christmas? They already have frost-proof pajamas and a sterling array of Bulgarian coffees, so what’s left? As usual, we’re here to help our disciples in their time of need. As follows.
1.--If you’re looking for a Christmas present for the man who has everything, and who isn’t, we have a suggestion for you. Get him a $250,000 gift card from Australian aviator David Maymen and his Jetpack Aviation company. The outfit’s first batch of personal jet packs will hit the marketplace—tiny marketplace though it may be—in mid-2017. The JB-10, developed by Maymen and designer Nelson Taylor, has made about 400 test runs in Monaco, London and New York City with nary a glitch. The current model will fly a person up to 60 mph for ten minutes, but that’s just the beginning. The partners realize that the ultimate success of the product will require a reduction in the size of the fuel tanks so that the craft can be powered electrically, perhaps even faster and for longer periods of time.
It’s about time they came up with this gizmo. When we were kids, everybody thought about flying but there were no job openings. We had to watch Superman smugly zip hither and yon, intercepting asteroids and scooping up Lois Lane just before she got mashed by the Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe. Billy Batson and Freddy Freeman were clever enough to discover the old wizard Shazam languishing at the end of a deserted subway tunnel (and why would an old wizard be doing that?) and learned the secret to becoming Captain Marvel and Captain Marvel, Jr. They flew all over the place, battling the evil Dr. Sivana and picking up airline stewardesses, not bad for a layabout and a crippled newsboy. By the way, if you’ve been wondering all these years how Shazam got his name, and I know you have, it derives from his ability to dispense the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina 0f Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles and the speed of Mercury. People who neglect to keep up with The Flying Pie will never discover this indispensible information.
2--Want to surprise your sweetie and make up for the vacuum cleaner you gave her last year? How about a nice Secret Fantasy Bra from Victoria’s Secret? Selling for a mere $2.5 million, this 18-karat white and yellow-gold bra features 3400 precious stones, including 142 carats-worth of diamonds, selected fine pearls, and only the best citrines and aquamarines. All the stones have been set by hand, of course, and the bra took an unimaginable 500 hours to complete. Rest assured, even presented to the hardiest of female activists, this bra will never be burned, nor will it be thoughtlessly abandoned in a cheap hotel after some illicit quickie at noon. For a slight extra charge, the undergarment may be implanted with a tiny chip allowing it to be located at all times, though you don’t have to tell her that.
3--Everybody likes those Dancing Fountains at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas but you’d have to be a casino owner to afford them. Just in time for Christmas, however, WET, the company which created the famous Sin City waterworks, has a deal for you. For a piffling one million dollars, their stellar crew will show up at your very own residence with all the nuts and bolts to assemble a Bellagio-like Dancing Fountain for you. First, of course, you have to have a big yard and liberal water restrictions. Second, you’ll need that kiddie-proof fence. Small inconveniences seem as nothing, however, when compared with the thrill of blasting off the spritzers each noon to the musical accompaniment of the Star Spangled Banner or, if you live in Tuscaloosa, the Crimson Tide Fight Song. Trust us, the man who has everything does not have this.
4—If you don’t have a spare million to throw around, how about Dolce & Gabbana’s DG2027B Sunglasses, in a nice brown tint with gold frames for a paltry $383,609? Now, for the addled customer who is always losing his glasses, lovely and expensive chains can be attached to prevent such disasters, though they will look less cool. We have a question here, by the way, for either of the signors Dolce or Gabbana. Two questions, actually. First, what are you two thinking when you give a $400,000-dollar product a number like DG2027B? Are you kidding? If this thing was a car, it would be the Dusenberg 500 or the Silver Phaeton 711Z. And about that price—where did $383,609 come from? Did somebody compute the actual cost and just add another $383,000? Somebody should sit down and talk to Mr. Tiffany about all this.
5—For the less well-endowed gifter, there’s always The Row’s Alligator Backpack for a very reasonable $39,000. We’d like to say no alligators were killed in the production of this backpack, but come on. Also, there could be snide comments on the trail when fellow hikers, a cheap lot at best, take note of Mr. Fancypants Hiker with his shiny appendage. Mr. F.H. will never be invited by his unshaven trailmates to sit around the campfire, share fatback and grits and sing Woody Guthrie songs. And does it really seem fitting to inject a cheap bottle of Zephyrhills water into a pinot-noir favoring backpack? We think not.
6—If you’re embarrassed to have your teenaged offspring smashing around the neighborhood in torn jeans and disintegrating skateboard, listen to this! Louis Vuitton Skateboards are now available for sidewalk snobs at a pitiful $8,250, barely the cost of a good Neiman Marcus shovel. Inspired by 1980s graffiti artist and fashion designer Stephen Sprouse, whoever he is, these uppercrust items come adorned with brightly-colored graffiti statements packed into hard-case trunks bearing the famous Louis Vuitton monogram pattern. Most kids will want to ditch the box and carry the board around in a dirty pillow case, which leaves you with a primo container for your swim fins.
7—Remember when we were kids and couldn’t wait to go camping in a ratty old tent? You know--the one with the “Welcome Mosquitoes” sign out front. Funny how the thrill is gone at age 60 and up. After a day of thrashing up and down your favorite trail, you’re looking for a little more comfort at sundown. Have we got good news for you! For a mere $75,000, Neiman Marcus will deliver to your door the very latest bauble in Luxury camping--the fabulous Dream Folly Tent. This lovely overstated outdoor home measures 18 feet in diameter and offers a range of expensive furniture options, including a lovely crystal chandelier for the most demanding of girlfriends. For a few dollars extra, a sprightly quartet of carolers can be included.
8—Things been a little testy between you and your redneck friends since the election? Nobody buying you a Bud Lite at the bowling alley anymore? You can rectify all this with the purchase of one or more Redneck Plungers, now available for a shockingly low $13.99 from Cabela’s outfitters. Your regular every-day toilet plunger is attractively attached to a beautiful faux shotgun which, in a pinch, can be detached in a hurry to discourage mobile home invaders. Supplies are limited, so act today.
9—For that giftee with a sweet tooth, Dunkin’ Donut franchises are available for anywhere between $40,000 (Keokuk, Iowa) to $90,000 (Hollywood Boulevard). Another $125,000 will be required to actually get the place open but, hey, the minimum net worth of any Dunkin’ is a snazzy $250K, so let’s all think long-term. Buying your sweetie a franchise seems to be catching on in the entertainment world, by the way. That big showoff Kanye West went and purchased ten Burger Kings for Kim Kardashian so she could have it her way all around the world.
10—Nothing looks better in Christmas wrapping than your very own island, and we know where you can get one cheap. Angelina Jolie purchased the 11-acre Petra Island, a heart-shaped piece of real estate a mere 50 miles off the coast of New York City, for husband Brad Pitt when things were going better. The island comes equipped with a heli-pad and two homes designed by renowned architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Things being what they are in Brangelina-land, this might be the ideal time to make an offer on the place. You never know what you’ll find on one of these hastily-abandoned properties. Maybe there’s still an old vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood languishing on the lanai.
One Last Item
Well, that takes care of everything except a gift for the Trumpster. The FBI director has already given him the presidency and he has all the naked supermodel photos a man can fit in a vault, so what’s left? Maybe, like Dickens’ Scrooge, he could receive a visit from the ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and Future to get a clearer vision of his fellow man and the world around him. Ebenezer Scrooge was confronted by the Ghost of Christmas Past with the choices he had made in his life and the consequences of those choices, many of which he’d tried to forget. “Spirit,” he pleaded, “show me no more! Conduct me home. Why do you delight to torture me?”
Scrooge gave little thought to the choices he made in the present and future. The Ghost of Christmas Present introduced him to the crippled Tiny Tim, a member of what Scrooge called “the surplus population” and the old man began to regret never having taken an interest in poor people before. The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come revealed that he would die alone and his deathbed would be looted by louts. Eventually, he saw the light.
“Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead,” said Scrooge. “But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.”
Donald Trump, by all evidence, shows no inclination to look beyond the narrow borders of his own interests, but then again, neither did Scrooge. Are the three ghosts still available for counsel, do they float somewhere in the cosmic oceans waiting to be beckoned? If so, the time is now, you spirits, and the errand is clear. Hope hangs by a thread and the winds are severe for all of us, and that includes the future president. It’s Christmas, time for a miracle, time for the ghosts to return and make some magic. After all, who wants to die alone, his deathbed looted by louts?
That’s all, folks….
