“Punch is such a droll, diverting vagabond that even those who have witnessed his crimes are irresistibly seduced into laughter by his grotesque antics and his cynical bursts of merriment, which render him such a strange combination of the demon and the buffoon.”---Thomas Frost
“Our long national IQ test is over. We failed.”---Carl Hiaasen
When we were kids, our parents for some reason decided to expose us to an atypical branch of puppetry called The Punch And Judy Show, in which the male protagonist (Mr. Polichinello, or Punch), after some degree of bantering, dependably pummels his long-suffering wife (Judy) with a large stick. Judy is a slow learner and keeps coming back for more. Punch does not restrict his whacking to Judy, however. Anyone with whom he meets and disagrees—which is pretty much everyone—is grist for his mill. Mr. Polichinello is an avid adherent to the philosophy “Speak squeakily and carry a big stick.” If it seems peculiar that our straight-laced parents thought to foist this sort of entertainment on their children, consider that they never regarded Punch to be an acceptable example of husbandhood, just a ridiculous entertainer whom nobody would take seriously. After an interim of several decades, we know the feeling.
Mr. Punch has returned in all his radiant splendor, stick sharpened, scattering a dubious array of rivals in his path. Some of them squeaked and ran away, some of them barked in annoyance or trepidation, and a few stood up on their hind legs and resisted the stick for awhile before tucking their tails between their legs and drifting off to the land of Forgotten Toadies. Throw them a Milkbone when you’re passing by.
Thus, Mr. Punch is ascendant for the time being. But uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, and never more so than in this case. Bullies who live by the stick ultimately die by the stick and Mr. Punch will be no exception. The murmurs of dissension have risen to a roar, the proles are gathering in the streets and the pitchforks are coming out. Soon, the torches will be lit and the march on the castle will begin. Soon, the weight of Mr. Punch’s transgressions will bring the castle down on him. Soon, the dark clouds will fall back, the sun will again emerge and Judy will finally have been avenged.
The Aiders And Abettors
The civic duty of The Flying Pie, we have decided, is to advise and consent with regards to the new president. Or at least to advise. A man inexperienced in the ways of Washington needs all the help he can get, otherwise he might be inclined to opt for some damn fool like, say, Rudy Giuliani for Secretary of State or Steve K.K.K. Bannon for Chief of Staff. Mr. Punch has already chosen for Vice-President an Indiana yokel who believes that electroshock conversion therapy will pull gays out of their homosexual funk and put them on the straight and narrow, so anything’s possible. Therefore and without hesitation, our recommendations:
Secretary of State—Mr. Rogers. How can you beat this guy? I mean, with Fred Rogers every day is a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Mr. Rogers would fly off to North Korea and three days later everyone would be dancing down the street singing, “It’s A small World, After All.” This is a home run if there ever was one. Waittaminute, what’s that? You’re kidding. Okay, don’t worry, we’ve got backup. 2.—George Clooney. 3.—Lisa Simpson.
Secretary of Defense—Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Who’s going to mess around with The Rock? Nobody, that’s who. Vladimir Putin thinks he’s tough? Wait’ll Dwayne nails him with The Rock Bottom or The People’s Elbow. He’ll be dragging his sorry Russkie ass back to Leningrad in a sling. Missiles? You wanna talk missiles? Talk to our Assistant Secretary of Defense---The Incredible Hulk. He eats missiles for breakfast. And laughs.
Secretary of Education---Professor Dumbledore. Yeah, yeah, we all know about that phony death scene in the Half-Blood Prince, but those of us in the know are aware that Dumbledore, seeking anonymity, emigrated to the United States in 2015 and is currently making a living as a community pharmacist in Racine, Wisconsin. About time he did something for his adopted country. 2.---Principal Skinner. 3---Mr. Miyagi.
Secretary of Treasury---Scrooge McDuck. Nobody knows more about money than this guy. Makes Punch look like a piker. So rich he has $31.2 billion in extra funds piled into a money bin in his back yard. He likes to dive around in it like a porpoise, burrow through it like a gopher and toss it up and let it hit him on the head. Total wealth: one multiplujillion, nine obsquatumatillion, six hundred twenty-three dollars and sixty-two cents. And that was just through 2013. 2.---Willie Nelson. 3.---Martha Stewart.
Secretary of Clenched Smiles---Kellyanne Conway. And on the grins front, has anyone noticed Melania hasn’t been smiling much lately? Could it be all that touchy-feely business between KC and The Donald? Are there shenanigans afoot in the back seat of the limo? Only Vlad The Driver knows for sure and he isn’t talking. But look for his juicy tell-all book Hear No Evil, due out just in time for Christmas. Who says there’s nothing to celebrate?
Secretary of Vampire Rights---Paul Ryan.
Secretary of Latrine Maintenance---Chris Christie (The Incredible Shrinking Candidate).
Secretary of Penis Pump Development---Roger Ailes.
Secretary of Pungent Odors---Henry Kissinger.
There are, of course, many more seats to be filled, but you can’t expect us to do all the work. That’s what you’ve got Jared Kushner for.
We’re Number 1!
Well, maybe not yet. But we’re gaining steam every day. Until now, the U.S.A. has been sadly lacking in tyrants and you know how competitive we are. With Mr. Punch, we may finally have a contender. Granted, the competition is fierce but we’re confident that good old American know-how can eventually win the day. Let’s take a look at the competition.
1. Adolph Hitler. The standard by which all tyrants are measured. Often called “The Alabama Crimson Tide of dictators.” Obsessed with world domination, the total elimination of Jews and polka music. His army romped through Europe in the early 1940s causing a despicable and long-lasting croissant shortage in Paris. Five Stars.
2. Idi Amin. Third President of Uganda, ruling from 1971 to 1979. Ate People. Really. Cooked ‘em up in a big pot, put ketchup on and ate them. Famous for the statements, “You cannot run faster than a bullet” and “Sometimes people mistake the way I talk for what I am thinking.” Five Stars.
3. Kim Jong II. Supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of (North) Korea from 1994 to 2011. Father of current dunderhead leader Kim Jong Un. Starved the populace of North Korea to build an army. Like Hitler, a master of Propaganda. Supremely paranoid and distrustful of almost everyone. Wore lifts in his shoes to get a better view. Terrible human being but ate no one, thus: Four Stars.
4. Pol Pot. Not at all happy with his silly name, Pol (“call me ‘Eddie’”) Pot led the terrorist Cambodian Khmer Rouge for more than three decades. He presided over a communist dictatorship which imposed a radical form of agrarian socialism on his country. During his reign, the combined effects of malnutrition, execution, forced labor and poor medical conditions led to the death of over 25% of Cambodia’s population. BUT—did not eat anyone, so: Four Stars.
5. Jozef Stalin. Stalin was the dictator of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics from 1929 to 1953, ruling by terror. Millions of his own citizens died during his administration as the USSR was transformed from a peasant society to an industrial and military superpower. Collectivized farming. Had potential rivals executed or sent to forced labor camps. Caused scared little American kids to practice diving beneath their school desks in preparation for the day the bombs came. Still—didn’t eat anyone and you know how we feel about that. Four Stars.
On the Other Hand
Don’t worry, The Flying Pie is loathe to leave its little family on a sour note so let’s spend a little time with Winston Churchill, who saved his country—and maybe the world—from Adolph Hitler in World War II As Prime Minister of the United Kingdom deftly utilizing his remarkable oratory, Sir Winston rallied the British people from the brink of defeat to final victory. Maybe this is a good time to remember his inspiring words:
“Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail.
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and liberation of the old.”
Where have you gone, Winston Churchill? Half a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
That’s all, folks….
