Ever think about the Capitol of Virginia? You’re not alone. Oh, we know it’s there, alright, not far from Washington, D.C., about an hour’s drive west of the Atlantic Ocean. Used to sit at the northern extremity of an endless line of toll booths, but I hear they’re gone now. If you’re driving north on I-95 headed for Washington or Baltimore or Philadelphia, you’ll just about smack right into the place, but you probably won’t stop there. Why would you? It’s Richmond.
There are other towns which might be a lot like Richmond, but for some reason they’re not. Omaha would be a candidate but Warren Buffet lives there and the city is the annual host of the important NCAA College Baseball World Series. Albuquerque might be a good bet but they have a spectacular International Balloon Festival each year in which hundreds of eye-catching hot-air balloons are launched into the ethers. Fargo? Funny movie. Louisville? Kentucky Derby. Chattanooga? Choo-Choo. Cheyenne? People name their kids Cheyenne.
Other towns are mentioned in song, evoking nice images. The Wichita Lineman is still on the line. Women there don’t treat you mean in Abilene. Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Mention my name in Sheboygan, it’s the greatest little town in the world! Who can beat that?
Some towns have impressive colleges. That helps. South Bend, Indiana was just a nondescript bump in the road before Notre Dame showed up. Who would care to visit pipsqueak Ann Arbor if the University of Michigan wasn’t around? Smelly old Baton Rouge would be dead in the oily water without LSU. You wouldn’t even know about Piscataway if it wasn’t for Rutgers. What’s that you say? There IS actually a University of Richmond? Please. Who do you think you’re kidding?
Some schools are known for their fearsome mascots. Florida has its Fighting Gators. Louisiana State has Mike the Tiger. In Colorado, Herbie the Buffalo is released onto the field at a full charge, dragging his handlers behind him. Florida A&M has its scary Rattlers. Auburn has a mean War Eagle. The University of Richmond has….well….a spider. Okay, so your Aunt Elsie may be scared of spiders but who wants a mascot which can be dispatched with one swat of a folded-up newspaper? It’s incomprehensible. And another thing: how does a mascot person move around in a spider suit? All those legs to contend with. It makes no sense. You might as well have a chinchilla.
Richmond needs a signature attraction which allows it to stand out, announce itself to the world. How about constructing the world’s tallest building? That would grab some interest. They already have the 449-foot James Monroe Building, they could just add on another 2269 feet and they’d be a smidge taller than the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. How about a big amusement park like Disney World? They could call it Rebel Land, celebrating Richmond’s history as capitol of the Confederacy. Merry guides in dusty grey Civil War uniforms would greet guests at the gate on horseback and direct them to the nearest hushpuppy stands, collard greens diners and fine grits emporiums. Spunkier visitors could don tattered soldier gear and try to stop Sherman from marching through Georgia. Maybe Scarlett O’Hara would show up.
Actually, Richmond has come up with a better idea. We think it will work, and fast, too. Remember when Fort Lauderdale was just a sleepy beach town and before you knew it hundreds of thousands of college Spring-breakers were running amok though its streets, bringing excitement into the city and revving up the economy? Well, that could happen in Richmond because someone there stole a novel idea. In Richmond, they would pay their criminals.
Mariachi Sign: “Will Not Play ‘Cielito Lindo’—One Dollar.”
Many years ago, the federal government decided it would be a good idea to pay farmers not to grow crops. This brilliant notion was a substitute for agricultural price supports designed to ensure that farmers could always sell their crops for enough money to support themselves. The price support program meant that farmers had to incur the expense of plowing their fields, fertilizing, irrigating, spraying and eventually harvesting the crops, which were then sold to the government and placed in silos to either rot or be consumed by clever rodents. Somebody figured out it was cheaper to just pay farmers not to grow the crops in the first place. If this idea worked for the USA, why not Richmond, Virginia? After all, it’s already worked in one Richmond, the one in California.
Officials in Richmond have not pressed the button yet but they’re seriously considering paying stipends to notorious criminals if they’ll just stop committing crimes. Police would identify up to fifty residents likely to offend again in 2016 and offer them periodic cash payments plus special training and educational benefits as long as they stay out of trouble. Richmond’s neighbors in Washington, D.C. recently decided to go in the same direction, authorizing funding in January. In Richmond, California, once overwhelmed by gun deaths, officials say their program has produced a 76% drop in gun-related crime, which sounds pretty good. But sometimes, what happens in California stays in California. I mean, we haven’t checked lately but so far we haven’t seen prominent local citizens smashing their hands into wet cement in Greenville, South Carolina. Nobody on the East Coast is taking boat rides to Sing Sing. Richmond, California’s success could be a mirage, an aberration. Before we take a giant step in the wrong direction, we’d like some answers to important questions. How do you qualify for the cash? Does a non-criminal go on a crime rampage, shooting up the mini-marts and liquor stores, to get enough points for consideration? Do you have to go to jail first? How many times? Will they have a ranking system, updated weekly like college football’s Top Twenty-Five, to rate the criminals’ proximity to the program? What if a qualifier has a momenty lapse and peeks into Mrs. McGillicuddy’s bathroom window or shoplifts a cruller from Dunkin’ Donuts? Will the town be invaded by thousands of aspirants looking for non-careers in crime? Should we get to work expanding the Greyhound bus station? What if this plan actually works and there IS no more crime? Will Law & Order finally disappear from television? Will tons of policemen lose their jobs? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
The city motto of Richmond, Virginia is “Sic Itur Ad Astra.” Or “Thus Do We Reach The Stars.” It’s a good motto, a worthy aspiration. And if things don’t work out, it lends itself to a simple addenda: “Or Maybe Not.”
“I’M NOT HE-E-E-E-E-RE!”
Crimestoppers International
My grandmother always used to tell us there was more than one way to skin a cat, knowledge we preferred to think she gleaned from book-learning rather than actual practice. People the world over, beset by crriminals, have come up with some remedies of their own.
Tourists visiting Japan may notice a plethora of bright orange baseball-sized orbs next to the cash registers of commercial establishments. They are not for sale. The balls are actually clever anti-crime devices. The little spheres are called bohan yu kara boru and they get their brilliant coloration from the neon orange paint which fills them. In the event of a robbery, store employees are instructed to grab the balls and fling them at fleeing perpetrators. When the balls crash into the thieves, they burst, dispersing their shiny cargo all over the criminals, making them easily identifiable to pursuing police. Obviously, in addition to filling out an employment application form, current Japanese job-seekers must also demonstrate their pitching skills.
Someone in England has devised an “anti-stab” knife, sure to be a hit with reluctant murderers. This smart invention has a rounded edge rather than the traditional point and will snag on skin, making it almost impossible to stab someone to death. There is some confusion as to what type of shop will actually sell such a device, but they’re still looking.
You’re not going to believe this but Japanese designer Aya Tsukioka has created a woman’s skirt which can be quickly transformed into a faux vending machine if the lady ever feels threatened and wishes to hide from her attackers. No word on what happens if the perps try to insert a coin.
Ten cardboard cutouts of a policewoman have been placed in strategic locations in Derbyshire, England to deter shoplifters, gas thieves and other nearsighted criminals. To date, at least three have been stolen.
If you’ve been wondering what you could do with all the unused fox urine you have lying around, University of Nebraska officials finally have an answer: spray it on your outdoor valuables. UN personnel routinely use the stuff on campus evergreen trees, popular targets for thieves around the holidays. Fox urine, it would seem, has a particularly noxious odor which gains intensity if stored indoors, as most Christmas trees are. This deterrent, of course, has its flaws, the thieves being unaware of the stench until they’ve actually stolen the tree. Oh well, back to the drawing board.
The toothed vagina or vagina dentata is a mythological legend no more. Now, there’s Rape-aXe, a South African anti-rape condom that women can insert into their nether regions to prevent unwanted entry. The thing contains sharp hooks that latch onto the intruding penis, buying the victim enough time to escape. Always make sure to remove before visiting your gynecologist.
Those clever Israeli police are now using bags of pig lard to deter suicide bombers on Jerusalem’s buses, often a popular target for your friendly neighborhood terrorists. Theoretically, Muslim attackers wouldn’t want their dead bodies buried in pig fat, an item forbidden in their religion’s dietary guidelines. On the other hand, pig items are also not popular in Jewish circles, so….
Nyquist To The Fore.
Down The Stretch They’ll Come….
Mohaymen blasted past lightly-raced Zulu in the stretch at Gulfstream Park Saturday to annex the Fountain of Youth Stakes and set up a Florida Derby collision with West Coast invader Nyquist on April 2. The winner of that race will be a likely Kentucky Derby favorite, although California trainer Bob Baffert will have his own armada afloat soon in important California, Arkansas and Louisiana races.
Mohaymen, trained by the wily Kiaran McLaughlin, is undefeated in five races, including four Grade 2 stakes, and leads in Derby qualifying points with 70. Nyquist, trained by veteran Doug O’Neill, is a perfect 6 for 6, including three Grade 1 stakes. Baffert has the formidable Mor Spirit, with three wins and two seconds, ready for the San Felipe at Santa Anita on March 12. Trainer Dale Romans will run Brody’s Cause, third behind Nyquist in the Breeders’ Cup Juvenile, in the Tampa Bay Derby the same day. Exaggerator, conditioned by Keith Desormeaux, will challenge Baffert in the San Felipe and Zulu, more experienced now, will be back to contest the Florida Derby. If we’re already talking the First Saturday in May, it must be Spring. Get out the lawn chairs and lemonade.
That’s all, folks….
