GOOD news? How can that BE, you might ask, wary of collapsing Asian economies, endless Middle Eastern imbroglios and walruses without an iceberg to stand on. How can we have good news when we have sixteen Republican presidential candidates with the combined brain wattage of a paramecium? There are cops shooting black people and black people shooting cops and the barbarians are leaking through our borders. It’s a nightmare. And we’re talking good news? Well, as a matter of fact, we are. The Flying Pie is not afraid to go against the grain, to fly into the face of overwhelming public opinion to flash its tiny light. Think firefly in a blackened forest. Let’s start with the worst problem of all:
China has long exerted an outsize role in global warming, being by far the world’s leading emitter of greenhouse gases due to its enormous population, its rapid growth and its reliance on dirty coal. Not to mention the country’s influence over global politics as a consistent holdout in international climate deals. But now this Asian colossus, riddled with poison air and an increasingly cantankerous population, is backing off a bit. China’s greenhouse gas emissions are currently scheduled to peak, then begin to taper by 2025, about five years ahead of a promise made by the country’s leader, Xi Jinping, in November 2014, as part of China’s historic climate accord with the United States. And a new analysis released recently by the London School of Economics claims that China’s emissions could peak even earlier than that and begin to fall rapidly thereafter, holding out a tantalizing possibility: the world could stay within the internationally agreed-upon limit of 2 degrees of warming above pre-industrial levels. That limit is seen by scientists as a crucial threshold to avoid crossing if we are to prevent some of the most dangerous impacts of climate change.
Driving the shift is a decline in the importance of coal. The London report claims ‘It is now possible to say with confidence that coal use in China has likely reached a structural maximum and begun to plateau.” Natural gas use will increase rapidly over the next five to ten years. Combined with aggressive investment in alternative energy and new restrictions on coal consumption in response to China’s air-pollution crisis, the gas boom will help to tamp down greenhouse gas emissions. The report goes on to conclude that “Eventually, this increasing momentum could unleash a large wave of clean energy investment, innovation and growth—a new energy-industrial revolution.” Let’s hope. Anyway—GOOD NEWS!
Political Contretemps
We’re not exactly sure what the real Heaven is like but we know what heaven-on-Earth is for Democrats. It’s watching the 2015 Republican Debates, the first of which involved all 16 candidates tossing nacho plates at one another and brawling with the FOX News panel of questioners, even calling one of them—horrors-- a bimbo. Are we having fun yet? I think so. There are so many candidates in this mess they can’t even fit them all on the same stage, thus the poll bottom-dwellers are assigned to another venue. It’s sorta like the kiddie table at grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner. This way, the elders can discuss serious matters in the dining room while the kids squabble off to the side. In the Main Event, professional outsider Donald Trump insulted everybody short of Jesus and nice guy candidate Ben Carson told funny stories. In the Junior Jamboree, somebody named Carly Fiorina beat up all the other kids and took their lunch money. The upshot of all this being that those three candidates—Trump, Carson and Fiorina—now lead the Republican Presidential polls.
Now, some of you might be asking how is this a good thing? I mean, Trump is obviously a cartoon lunatic, Carson still thinks gays can be retrained and Fiorina is making it up as she goes along. All true, the positive aspect being none of them is an elected official, a critter that voters are finally looking to seriously punish for past inadequacies. This sort of thing has never happened before, perhaps it could lead to miraculous and unexpected consequences, like politicos eschewing the same old rhetoric. Anyway, at least for the time being, this is….GOOD NEWS!
On Living To Be 100
Agnes Fenton, 110, credits her longevity to drinking three bottles of Miller High Life and a glass of whiskey every day. Jessie Gallan made it to 109 by avoiding men. “They’re more trouble than they’re worth,” she said. Attention might be paid to Duranord Veillard’s practice of doing pushups every morning—after all, he’s 108. Then again, his wife of 82 years, Jeanne, does none. Adelina Domingues, 114, who never fractured a bone, took no medications and never saw the inside of a hospital, said her secret was “never wearing makeup.” Ruth Cohen, 103, lifts weights and practices Pilates once a week. But we like Paul Marcus’ slant on the subject. Paul, who is a mere 101, told the Denver Post the secret to longevity is luck. After that, “One, you gotta have good genes. And two, you should not eat anything that’s healthy. It’s true. I eat anything I want. I eat ice cream. Ice cream is the secret to longevity.”
The 70-Year Itch
Okay, we admit it. When we were young, we thought as little as possible about 70-year-olds engaging in sex . It was bad enough our parents might be doing it. Wasn’t there some kind of legal age limit on this sort of conduct? It didn’t seem proper. Now, of course, the shoe is on the other foot—or under the other bed, as the case may be. Now, it is us who are up to bat, if you’ll pardon the expression. And statisticians who are not mortified to be keeping these kinds of records report that a surprising percentage of septuagenarians are still out there, grousing in the goodie. Dirty old Lynn Brown Rosenberg is one of them.
“At 69, I was practically a virgin,” Lynn avers. “A sexually conservative nice Jewish girl from California. Then, at this late age, I began to regret missing out on a lot of the excitement my friends had experienced in their lives. My urologist suggested I start out with a vibrator and some porn. Not long ago, I would have considered that disgusting, but now I thought, ‘oh, well….’ So Lynn tiptoed down to a West Hollywood adult emporium called Pleasure Chest to survey the inventory.
“I bought a DVD called ‘Budding Bliss.’ If I was going to stoop, why not stoop all the way?” Much to her surprise, she began to have orgasms. “It became my new hobby,” she confessed. But after two weeks, she found herself needing greater stimuli. She began investigating free dating websites and found one she liked. “I cheated. I listed my age as 63, rationalizing that the further away from 70 I was, the more men I would interest. But that was the only thing I lied about. I even posted a picture. I didn’t want my face on there, so I posted one in which the hat was pulled down over my eyes. All it showed were my lips, chin and breasts underneath a t-shirt.”
A 33-year-old man we’ll call Harry contacted her and Ms. Rosenberg decided to give a chat a try. “Every time I took a new step, I was scared. What was I getting myself into? Was I going to end up in some kind of trouble? I made myself write dirty to Harry. I was embarrassed, but also excited. I was breaking with all propriety, everything I learned from my parents on how to be a nice Jewish girl. I would have two glasses of wine before logging on to loosen up. My conversations got nastier, more graphic. This was all forbidden fruit but very exciting. I felt I was finally discovering my true self, becoming free. Imagine! At 70 years old! Freedom at last!”
Be wary the next time you find yourself wandering the aisles of Walmart. That nice old lady giving you the ogle could be Lynn Brown Rosenberg.
Attention All Rickshaw Personnel!
In a symbolic blow against air pollution and climate change, the city of Paris will not permit automotive vehicles on its streets for the entire 24 hours of September 27. Vive la France! Even a blind pig finds a truffle every once in a while. International GOOD NEWS!
The Apple Of His Eye
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak doesn’t like Republicans one bit. He doesn’t like Democrats much, either. But he does like Bernie Sanders, on Monday night endorsing his run for the Democratic nomination, We’d call this political GOOD NEWS!
Good Racing News? A Possibility.
Cosmic Saint, in training since the dawn of time, first with Eddie Plesa in New Jersey and now with Larry Pilotti in Miami, is finally showing some signs of life. Her two recent works have been good and she enters today for a Sunday maiden race at Gulfstream. Maybe Siobhan and Bill will finally get their first track victory of the year. Maybe Hell will freeze over. Maybe little green men will land on the White House lawn (why not, everybody else does?). We’ll keep you posted. There could be more GOOD NEWS!
And Finally, The Requisite Doggie Tale. Or, Let Me Be Your Salty Dog….
A college student vacationing in Crete, Greece, was accosted by two men on a sparsely-populated beach. When she refused to go “have a drink” with them, one of the men grabbed her by the arm and started to drag her off. But wait! What’s this? (Cue in William Tell Overture in background). To everyone’s surprise, a stray dog suddenly appeared and began barking at the pair, standing at 25-year-old Georgia Bradley’s side until the men relented. Georgia named the dog “Pepper” and told a newspaper “Pepper shot out of nowhere and saved me. She jumped up at me and began barking and licking my hand. It made the men think twice. She must have noticed something was wrong. When I went back to my apartment, she followed me. We had an instant bond.”
Bradley, alas, had to fly home shortly thereafter, but couldn’t stop thinking about her new pal. Two weeks later, she flew back from her home in England to Crete and began looking for Pepper. She would fly over 6000 miles back and forth over a span of five weeks, looking for her rescuer. And then—NO—it couldn’t be—one day, there she was on the beach! Georgia had her microchipped, wormed and given a rabies shot, then adopted her and got a pet passport, before flying home to the UK. Shortly after arriving, she got a final surprise. Pepper gave birth to six puppIes. (Bring up the violins). WOW! GOOD NEWS or WHAT!?!
That’s all the Good News we can stand, so that’s all, folks….
